Childfree

Welcome to CF Lounge, our weekly off-topic discussion thread.

Feel free to talk about what's going on with you this week, what you did, your hobbies, pets, cars, travels, whatever you like. Discover new members, make friends and connections all over the sub. Share great news, get an ear and shoulder to cry on for not-so-great news.

This is also the place to post rants that aren't childfree related and/or aren't long enough for their own post.

This post will be up all week for your enjoyment. Have fun!

Hello r/childfree!

This post is specifically for CF people looking to meet up with other CF people (for friendship, dating, pen pals, etc.) in their area or online.

In your top level comment please include the following information: age (18+ only please), gender, general location (city, province/region, country, etc.), what you are looking for, and a little bit about yourself.

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Also, please consider cross-posting to our friends over at /r/cf4cf and r/ChildfreeFriendships and hang out with some fellow CFers on [Discord](https://discord.gg/Tdr3hhy).

I'm at a restaurant sitting at a booth next to a mother with her 8 or 9 year old daughter and an infant. The infant is shrieking, everyone is being like oh how cute while im cringing in pain cause of sensory issues, which isn't the infants fault but it is what it is. The daughter looks visibly upset and the mother says, "are you upset or something, you only have 10 years left with him and you won't have to deal with it anymore." Then the daughter says defeated, "actually only 9 years." And the mother goes on to argue about how old she is and when she will be 18 and stuff. But I'm thinking to myself, why did you have a kid if you are just going to invalidate how she feels when she's upset, like she's a person too and should be heard. It's not her fault you got knocked up again and refuse to control your child. This is my first post here so I'm interested to see what you guys think on this, I may be just hating for no reason.

My husband and I have several friends who, over the past few years, have had kids. And for at least 3 of those couples, it was so surprising because they really seemed like they were going to go the childfree route. The way they’d discuss their lives and convos we’d had made it seem like they wouldn’t be having children.

I had a medically necessary hysterectomy in October, but even before that, my husband and I were set in our choice. It feels depressing to hear that yet another group of friends are going to be expecting or trying for children. I guess my gut reaction is that it’s lonely, or that I feel like it’s going to cause distance between us. It’s a weird, new feeling to watch your friends take what feels like a total detour away from you. I don’t actually think we’ll stop being friends at all, but the intrusive thoughts get in the way.

Does anyone else ever get feelings like this?

Like.... what were you expecting? Him and his girlfriend have just had their first child together, note that they're both early 20's and still living with mummy and daddy.

"All the baby does is cry, scream, eat. It's never ending."

Yeah... what were you expecting? It's a baby.

"We didn't realise what we were getting into."

So, you didn't plan ahead? You didn't do any research? How can you just... not know what a baby is like. You never noticed that all they do is scream and eat?

No sympathy what-so-ever. Time to deal with the consiquences of your actions.

For example, people who are mentally ill. I also have autism, and am not in the capacity to deal with an autistic child, or a child in general, so I feel like it would just be selfish of me, as it would be for mentally ill people. Don’t get me wrong, people with autism can still be great parents, but I know I wouldn’t be.

For months a neighbor's kid screams every time the kid plays outside. I can hear the kid everytime the kid plays outside screaming. I never screamed when I played outside as a kid. Shut your kid up. Not everyone wants to hear a screaming kid everytime the kid plays outside. The kid doesn't consistently scream when the kid plays outside. It's enough to be an annoyance. I was taught not to be an annoyance by screaming everytime I played outside as a kid. It is really pissing me off that the neighbor won't shut up their screaming kid. ​I wish I could tell the neighbor why is your kid screaming everytime they play outside? Can you please stop their screaming?

“What if you meet the love of your life and they want kids?!”

Seriously?? Why would they be the love of my life if they wanted kids? That is a pretty important and LIFE CHANGING decision one makes. It’s not like if we disagree on having flowers in our front yard. We are talking about human beings we would have to raise for at least 18 years. I wouldn’t even date, let alone marry someone who wanted kids. I would make it known on the first date (maybe even before then) that I am not changing my mind about not wanting to have children. No sense wasting mine or anyone else’s time. So that argument is incredibly flawed and idiotic.

I (30F) feel like I’m constantly bombarded with parents seeking sympathy from me when they discuss their lack of sleep after having children or physical changes that happen to them during pregnancy or whatever it may be. I really have a difficult time genuinely feeling empathy or sympathy since I do feel they chose this route for themselves (assuming they did make the choice obviously). I understand there are a lot of changes within society that have made parenting seemingly more difficult (i.e. women tend to have to go back to work and tend to take on more of the household duties, etc), but I just have a hard time feeling sympathy towards a group that has decided to have children. A recent example in my life is my husband constantly has to reassure his brother who is going to have a child soon. His brother always is saying how stressed he is about having the kid and all the things that have to change in their life. He (37M) and his girlfriend (30F) of 6 months got pregnant by choice and now them and everyone in their family is constantly talking about how much difficulty they are going through and all the things they’ve had to change, but i keep thinking at that age don’t they understand that prior to getting pregnant? Not sure but just seems like a lot of sympathy is expected for a choice they knowingly made.

^(\I tried to post this under a different throwaway account to remain anonymous but couldn't. So I'll probably delete this late but here goes...)*

I am a Black woman in my late-30s, queer (bisexual), spiritual but not religious (so I don't follow any Abrahamic religions), and HAPPILY childfree. But I'm single and childfree, and people in my culture have painted all childfree Black women as selfish or former-whores that no one wants to "wife up", and all childfree Black men as gay. 😐 While I'm fine being single most of the time, there have been recent events that have been triggering me and making me feel like "my ship has sailed".

• The sudden death of a beloved single childfree relative. She was happy with her life and she was in her middle age. She suddenly died (heart attack maybe). Her siblings found her the same day she died when they didn't get her. But when the news got out WHYYYY did some of the pick-mes in my family comment on how if she had someone living with her (i.e. husband), could her life have been saved? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Do these folks know how many married people have died ALONE, some even with their spouse in the house to later find them dead? I was so fired up (because this relative is one of my favorite cousins).
• My father's health issues and me thinking of his mortality more these days. No, I don't want kids. However, being single, I do think about being without my parents as they're in their 60s.
• I have younger female cousins who are all in LTRs, and one of them got married and had two babies a couple of years ago. The other two cousins are deeply in love (they're in interracial relationships with white men), and I wouldn't be surprised if one of them gets married also. They're all in their early and mid-20s. And, deep down, I envy how they all found someone who loved and cherished them when absolutely NO MEN respected me enough to be loved all because I was on the fence about children in my 20s. That is because my cousins ALL WANT BABIES. If they didn't want kids, they'd probably have a harder time getting men to stay in love with them and it saddens me. Now, that I'm adamantly childfree in my 30s, I'm only seen as Jezebel goods.

Mind you, many people find me attractive (or maybe even beautiful), so I don't have issues attracting people of any race. In addition, I'm educated, and accomplished, take care of my health and body, etc. However, I don't want children and not even open to the idea of having them.

Years ago, I met a great guy who became distant when I mentioned I was unsure about kids. He was honest and told me that he wanted a woman to have his kids, and he wanted five kids. Hell, he even said he wanted kids more than marriage. We broke it off. He eventually met and married a woman who was willing to breed his many children and blow up from it like a broodmare.

My ex is a single father. Early in our relationship, he wanted one more child. I was on the fence again (in my early 30s). Then, he eventually didn't want another. Well after breaking up, I see pictures of him with his daughter and a mysterious little girl with them on trips. I'm assuming, he changed his mind again and would like another child.

Why do we childfree women have to only be the "fun time girls"? The so-called Jezebels, whores, Liliths, the "ran-through thots" too damaged to breed children for a man's "LeGaCy"? Why are we always diminished to the "woman who's luring married men from their wives"? This shit pisses me off.

It goes to show that in the dating game, even in 2024, women are only seen as valuable as how fresh their eggs are and how willing they are to breed. Men will lay out the red carpet for the future breeders in the dating game, but treat us happily childfree gals like shit.

So I was at my niece her birthday, I came early this year because my other sister didn't want to go alone and she had to study this afternoon. Of course all the people with children were there in the morning as well. So when I came in it was pure chaos of the terrible little children variety.

I decided to hold up in the kitchen and keep my distance. Occasionally talking to my stressed out sister who was tending to everyone because my brother in law, though a nice man, was completely useless. My other sister arrived shortly and thankfully most people left early.

After a while my other sister left as well and I was left with my sister, brother in law and one of her birther friends (they literally met at birthing yoga and having children is all they seem to have in common).

I was talking to my sister about some of my new hobbies, I just started on my first DnD campaign with friends yesterday and picked up gaming a few months ago. My sister asked where I find the time and I joked that not having kids frees up a lot of time. At this the friend turned around and sneered "and that's what you choose to do with it, Jezus". At first I was dumbfounded as I had made a joke at my sister and not at her and after a few seconds I had to make sure I didn't snap back with something equally vile as I was attending my niece her birthday and didn't want to ruin the mood. This bitch was gloating at my sister, saying that you got to hard when others go hard... Okay, saying I have free time because I don't have a child was apparently going hard....

But Jezus Christ woman, why would you be so nasty at a childrens birthday to someone who is not even talking to you. How unhappy are you that a small joke like that triggers you?

I'm a bit baffled still, but I'll go and enjoy some Stardew valley with all my free time I guess 😂 I'll definitely go in the afternoon next year, no kiddos besides my niece by then.

TLDR: a friend of my sister made a nasty comment about my hobbies because I joked at my sister that I have time to have hobbies as I don't have kids

The reason babies cry so much on a plane is because they can’t take the air pressure. And yes I understand that there are emergencies, but taking them on vacation is completely unnecessary because they won’t remember it. And for the love of god, don’t take your infant child on red eye flight. That is about a hundred who will be even more sleep deprived them on a usual red eye. Also, props to the parents who actually try to soothe their baby instead of just sitting there while they scream the plane in half.

Youve all witnessed it. A friend or a family member who were always so fun and happy and carefree turn into a boring, uptight stress head. It's so sad - but they insist they're so happy and the baby is the light of their lives

Um no, the baby took your light honey. You are not happy. You might be waiting for the time where the "difficult phrase"ends, but I'm sorry to say but it never comes. The phases just change forms.

I also hate watching them be fake and scream WOOOOOOOW at the baby doing the most basic thing. Are you happy performing all the time like that? I'd be exhausted

I hate seeing them look a mess. They forget about their own needs, they're broke, they have no time, they're sleep deprived. They used to look so healthy and vibrant even when we were chilling together in our PJs, but their glow has gone.

I hate seeing them sit at dinner but they can't eat with the rest of us because they have to convince baby to eat first. And no, they won't accept help because "the baby has this specific thing they like - you wouldn't get it".

I hate seeing them no longer have fun because if the baby is there they're watching them constantly, and if the baby's not there they might as well be because that's all they talk about.

I hate seeing them lose their identity. "How are you?" Is answered with the baby's most recent antics. No, how are YOU?

I hate seeing them become a monster of a husband/ wife because they're so stressed all the time they forgot how to have a relationship that doesn't resemble a millitary operation.

I hate how you can no longer complain because everything is a competition. "Oh you're tired? You might have worked 60 hours this week, but you don't have kids so you can't be tired".

I have seen this with every single one of my friends and relatives who has kids and it's tragic. How is this happiness??

I saw dads out with their kids riding bikes, mums gardening, garages open absolutely full of decades full of unused shit, and visitors going in/out of houses. I got a strange sense of dread and anxiety thinking about how people are trapped with kids 24/7, no escape and change to a regular routine. I've never been happier to be independent with my partner, childfree, and able to do whatever I want when I want.

It’s my ONE day off in the week from my 2 jobs. I came to my apartment complex pool, yay! Right? Wrong! I’m not a grumpy child hater, but fuck dude! 2 kids! Running all up and down the cement pool deck and around my pool chair! Splashing and crying! No! Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Update! 2yo boy is screaming because parents didn’t explain anything or respect boundaries (shocker!!) and just decided “you’re 2, if you can’t stop the activity you’re interested in and start getting ready to leave like an adult I’m going to physically restrain you and berate you for not letting me put a jacket on you that makes you feel even more restricted, then I’ll carry you while shouting profanities because you are jarred by the shock of going from 100% autonomy (running, splashing, swimming, jumping, climbing) with 0 consequences (you have to sit next to me for 2 minutes if you splash another adult that’s not mommy or daddy) to 0 autonomy and consequences (lifting kid out of the pool roughly, towel drying them aggressively, forcing their arms into a jacket, picking them up without explaining anything or why it’s time to go) I understand that if a kid is actively misbehaving sometimes you have to pick them up and remove them but literally every action the dad did to get the kid out of the pool made the situation so much worse and probably soured the mood for all 4 of them.

I remember about 10 years ago when I was still living with my parents after uni and was working in my hometown briefly, one late night after going out with some friends I went into our local kebab place for food.

This was about 1am, and a woman and child, can't have been older than 12, came in. As they were waiting the woman was calling him a "dickhead" and telling him to "fuck off" if he didn't behave himself. The whole time I was completely agast at how someone could speak to their child like this, even if they were an aunt or another relative. It made me think, "Why are you allowed around kids?"

What were your moments that made you think why was this person allowed to have kids or be around them?

I (29F) live in a small house next to a couple with a 3 year old boy. They’re nice people and I’ve met the boy several times. He’s mostly very sweet, from what I’ve seen, and it’s clear they adore him. They also once told me he is autistic, and sometimes I’ve heard them discuss his therapy etc. Also, they tend to leave all their windows open so I often hear what goes on.

Every once in a while, the boy starts SCREAMING, crying/wailing incredibly LOUDLY. It is ear-piercing. I assume he must have severe meltdowns. From what I hear, the parents do a wonderful job and remain very calm. They seem to have strategies to help him regulate during/after his screaming. These episodes sometimes lasts on and off for 10 minutes.

When it happens, I often think about how challenging it must be for his parents at times. Not only the screaming, but in general. SO MUCH attention and time has to be given to their child even when he’s feeling good etc. They seem like great parents, but it has made me realise how much energy goes into raising a child. I look at myself, and I just can’t see myself doing that (even with a partner). I don’t think I could cope with the daily EFFORT of parenting on top of my own life, issues, responsibilities, and other relationships. It seems full-on and just all-consuming. I actually don’t know how they do it. How do they find any time for themselves!?

Anyway, thanks for listening to my vent.

I am so freaking tired of hearing what do you have hard? You don't have any kids.

Pretty much because I Worked hard to be responsible adult, Go to university. And work hard at my job I am now being punished by being told by people all over and coworkers that whats so hard for me. I don't have any kids. I'm not allowed to be tired and I'm not allowed to sleep

One time I was Closing my eyes during my Lunch at work and my coworker said why are you sleeping? What do you have hard you you don't even have any kids. I've had coworkers tell me oh you're lucky you don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of kids You have it Easy. I've probably done the most work because of short staffing and I've even and if I even mentioned that I'm tired I'll get responses like you don't even have any kids. Are you kidding me?

I just don't get it ? Why am I being punished for other peoples choice to have kids? Why do women get jealous when they see a man that doesn't have kids, but don't bother their husband to help them With their kids? What annoys me is that woman always married lazy men that don't help them with the kids then they go around bothering Hard-working men because they're jealous that they couldn't get a hard-working man. They're just jealous that their husband doesn't know how to earn money and get maids for them

Your husband knocked you up and now you want random men to help you with your kids?

Why do you approach random men that haven't had kids and tell them how easy their life is because they don't have any kids? Your husband Wanted to have fun with you in bed and then you guys had a kid and now everyone else is getting blamed for it.

I just don't get Society. And what's crazy is I'm expected to work twice as hard work at work, Because I don't have any kids then people with kids because supposedly if you don't have kids, you have no right to be a normal human being that actually requires rest and relaxation.

What's crazy is if I I would have gotten some girl knocked Up in high school then the whole world would be showing me, compassion and saying wow, you poor man you had to work so hard. But in the real world girls never even talked to me in high school. I just don't get it. I think society is just stupid. It's always hard-working people that get the short end of the stick

I just don't get it. It's like that episode of Frank Grimes in The Simpsons. Somethings just don't make sense and it's best not to think about it lol

I can’t help but notice that if I am around a toddler for more than 2 hrs… I am drained. They are just terrible+terrible vibes all around. I’m so happy to be sterilized ! ❤️

If you ever get the feeling of baby fever just watch an episode of Supernanny on YouTube and it was get rid of it straight away

Which means my great grandma was pregnant for a combined time of over 13 YEARS.

Apparently my great grandma died young in her 50s (no real surprise there), and her husband/my great grandpa up and abandoned the rest of the kids still living at home and the older siblings had to take them in.

I can’t imagine having one child let alone 16 crotch goblins.

I (22M) was ringing up this one customer’s items at the store when he asked the bagger (14M) how he was doing. The bagger told him he was tired, so then the guy answered him by saying, “You’re too young to be tired.”

The bagger went on to explain to him that he was tired because he didn’t get any sleep, so the customer asked him if he had any children, which I guess was either a joke given the bagger’s age, or a genuine assumption that he must be older than he looks. I don’t know if he could tell how old he was.

The man in the lane next to us chimed in by saying he hasn’t slept in years since he had kids. They prattled on for a bit about how tiring it is to have children.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t dragged into this, but even though no one said anything offensive, I felt annoyed.

There’s a good chance that these people complaining about not getting any sleep are the same people who shame DINKS, SINKs, and CF folks in general because they envy their freedom.

Now I’m not saying these people do that, but hearing them talk gave me a glimpse of what probably goes through the minds of people who do.

Kinda bothered me to see a 14-year-old get asked that question too. Normally, this kind of shit happens to women and girls, but I guess the stupidity didn’t discriminate in this particular instance.

My upstairs neighbors kid has been OFF THE WALLS today. Usually he stomps throughout the day but for some reason today it’s AMPED UP. The stomps are SO hard my vents in my ceiling are vibrating loud. Then he’ll take a 2 second pause to bang both hands on the windows which I can hear clear as day. It’s currently Sunday and 75 degrees out. There’s grass area around our apartments why don’t they ever take their kid out to play?

This just proves I can’t have kids because I would go absolutely insane, I’m going insane currently I couldn’t imagine same room with them. I don’t understand how parents allow their kids who live above people to wreak havoc for hours on end without telling them to chill out.

if i continue to be forced to watch diaper and baby bullshit ads on youtube, i'm going to scream. according to my profile, i'm now a 24-year-old male instead of a 36-year-old female, because jesus FUCK i'm so annoyed. maybe next week i'll try being a 60-year-old male and see where that gets me. i'd rather watch commercials for arthritis cream and boner pills than fucking diapers and baby food and period panties. like please make it stoppp. ugh. if anyone knows another way to fix this, please let me know. literally EVERY commercial is diapers!! makes me wanna throw up. i've had it with having to think about children's bowel movements just because i'm a woman of a certain age. yuck.

Just a quick rant tbh because I can’t stop thinking about it. My dad rang this morning for a quick catch-up and as my brother recently had a child, my dad was gushing about the baby and kept asking when I was having kids. This has been happening ever since the baby was born last November, my brother, his wife, and both my parents have been asking about it whenever they get the chance, and they always laugh when I say I don’t want kids and don’t plan on having them.

Anyway, I repeated this when my dad asked, and he paused before he said “that’s quite selfish of you, isn’t it?” I was so surprised it took me a second to ask what he meant, and he said I was “denying” him and my mum grandchildren. I reminded him that my brother is planning on having more kids, so that’s not really an issue, and the conversation ended a little after that.

I just can’t understand it. Why tf would I have kids for my parents’ benefit? I don’t even live in the same city as them anymore, I moved to a different part of the state for uni, so even if I had kids, my parents wouldn’t be around to see them unless they felt like flying for a few hours?? I really, really don’t get it. It just makes me so angry that he’d think I’d do something like that to my life and body so he’d be able to say he’s a grandparent, I guess? What does he even get out of having a grandchild across the state he wouldn’t even see grow up??? Ugh. Thanks for listening.

(Sorry in advance if there’s weird formatting, I’m on mobile and haven’t posted to Reddit before.)