I don't know if this is the right place, but I'm searching for some advice from anybody who is, or has been, in this position.

11 years ago I was diagnosed with testicle cancer. The moment those words left the oncologists mouth my view of the world collapsed. Anything that I found interesting suddenly became non important. Everything.

I used to love programming. I used to love marketing, and had my own business. I enjoyed reading and learning. I enjoyed making music. I enjoyed life.

And then I didn't.

The only thing that became important was survival. And the mental torture from the tests, and waiting for results, and hanging in limbo is something I've still not got over.

I beat Cancer. But I don't feel any success, or joy. I remember feeling relieved, and celebrated. But after the celebration I was left with "now what"?

I dealt with a lot of mental health problems. It got really bad and many times I tried to tap out. I got a second chance, but why did I still want to leave?

6 years ago I lost my Dad to Cancer. He died young. And a year after that I lost my stepdad to Cancer (he was in my life 20 years since my mom met him). He died young, and his diagnosis was sudden and shocking. These 2 people were my idols, and now they're gone.

I feel like I cheated death. I feel like modern medicine saved me, but I was meant to go. I feel like I exist, but my ego has already left.

There's no enjoyment in life for me. I don't look forward to a future because I've felt, and seen, what destruction Cancer does. It's that uncertainty. I'm practically certain I'll die within the next 10-15 years of Cancer because it's killed all the males in my Dads side of the family. It's genetic.

Today I'm on many medications to help my mental health. I've battled alcoholism (I'm sober). I've got other addictions I need to tackle.

There's just no enjoyment in life anymore. The only thing I am enjoying right now is learning 3D modelling, and building 3D architecture. I've some interest in making games, and I spend my time studying that. But I can only hold the interest for a couple of hours a day and then I'm mentally exhausted.

I seem to be in a state of self destruction, and not caring.

If anybody has any advice and has been through this, or knows somebody that has, I would really appreciate your input.

Thank you.