I drove home in shame and embarrassment, told him that I lost my job. Told him I'm an alcoholic and I need help. After saying nothing, going out to smoke a cigarette and returning, his first suggestion was to look for jobs in other towns. I said I don't know if I can work in this industry any more. He's at the same level as me in the food and beverage industry so I asked if he wanted to go back to work full time. He said he could go back but that I'd be miserable at home. Felt a little cutting but not untrue. So that left me feeling kind of stuck. I asked if we could talk about the elephant in the room which is that I have a drinking problem and need to address it. He asked "what does that look like?" I said I don't know. That's when I began looking into resources and we sort of stopped talking about it. Today he returns home from the grocery store with two packs of beer. I'm not really sure what to think or say. I never did ask him to not bring beer into the house.
Lost my job because of my alcoholism and my husband brings home beer the next day
emotional rollercoaster 🎢Aw man, OP, I'm so sorry you're in such an unsupportive situation. It takes GUTS to admit that you have a problem, and I am SO, SO proud of you for realizing and reaching out. I would love if you joined us over at r/stopdrinking, which is the absolutely most loving and supportive sub on this app. Post there, get some love and understanding for your situation ❤️
That said, I wanted to tell you about my experience being the child of an alcoholic mom. I love her and she did the very best she could, but it was really rough. I remember my mom having two very distinct personalities - one fun, outgoing, loving one, and one gloomy, weird, embarrassing one. I didn't realize back then that she was drunk, but I knew that I couldn't really rely on her because you never knew which one you'd get.
Because she drank to deal with all her problems, she never modelled any healthy boundaries or coping skills for me. She was (and still is) emotionally stunted and Immature, which is one of the reasons I don't trust her to babysit my kid. It took me most of my 20s to get enough therapy to function somewhat normally, develop a normal frame of reference. It was hard, really hard. I wish so much that I was important enough to my mom to quit, but I wasn't. She still can't admit she has a drinking problem, which is the other reason I will never leave her alone with my daughter.
But I appreciate you wanting to implement changes so much. You deserve that, and your kids deserve that. Please start over at r/stopdrinking and ask about resources. Some people thrive in classic AA/step-program settings, some need a little more help. Please don't give up, please keep trying. And please be the one parent your kids have that finds them important enough. I'm sending you all my love ❤️
I thought this was on r/stopdrinking until I saw your post. I absolutely second this. There are so many supportive peeps in that group, there is no shaming. It’s helped my situation immensely!
I’m not even a drinker and I subscribe to r/stopdrinking just because it’s such an uplifting and supportive space.Â
Thanks for spreading that love here. OP is brave to confront this now.Â
r/dryalcoholics was a better resource for me. None of that preachy stuff. More, this is my day to day.
What ever we need to get through.
The good news is that this can be your rock bottom. This sucks and it won’t be easy, particularly off your husband isn’t on bored with quitting as well, but it is doable. AA isn’t for everyone but it is a good place to start. Also talk to your doctor and see what your insurance may cover for treatment.
My husband also refused to give up when I did, so I did ask him to leave it on areas I don’t go to. Out of sight out of mind. Not ideal but it did help. Getting sober is so worth it though, both for you and your kids. I feel so much happier and am a much better parent than I was before. I am here to talk of you want to chat with someone who has been there.
That's funny you say that because I literally asked myself "what am I waiting for, a lower rock bottom?"
Unfortunately as i had just began this job I do not have insurance. Thirty days from now I can apply for Medicaid though.
It's a hard conversation to have, that's for sure. Are you both alcoholics?
I think so. To be honest he has never had an issue with my drinking. He's never cared. He drinks two six packs a night. If I say I want to quit drinking he just shrugs and says go for it. But he has no intention of quitting so there's always alcohol around.
This comment is going to rough, but I genuinely think this is what you NEED to hear right now. He drinks two six packs every single night and you “think” he’s an alcoholic? That’s a needing to go to rehab or a clinic level of alcoholism. Seriously, that is DOUBLE the recommend amount of alcohol someone should have in a week. In a single day. That’s almost 85 beers in a week. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is able to take care of children while drinking 12 beers. I genuinely hope you both don’t get piss drunk with your children home. I went through your post history and you’re looking being evicted solely because of your alcoholism and choices. Please, put your children and health first, and stop allowing alcohol in the house. Go to AA TOMORROW, even if it’s a virtual meeting. You have to do something before this harms your children more than it already has. If you’re in the US, call 988. Tell them what’s going on. They can help you. Don’t stop talking about it. Do something about it because this is not the life you want for your children.
As the now-adult who was raised by a mom who was putting away that many beers per night: I can only agree with these other commenters that your husband is without a shadow of a doubt an alcoholic, and shouldn’t be taking care of children.
I’m very, very proud of you for realizing you have a problem and need to address it. That’s a huge step, even if it doesn’t seem like one or it feels cheesy to hear. My mother never acknowledged her alcohol dependency and still denies it to this day. You’re a good mother and you’re trying to get your life in order. That’s a fantastic start.
I’m also going to say something that won’t be fun to hear: if your husband is drinking this much and you’re trying to get sober, either your sobriety is doomed or your relationship is doomed. If you are committed to getting sober and getting your life on track, you need to accept there’s a good chance your marriage is going to end if your husband doesn’t also want to get sober (note: want to get sober for himself, not want to get sober for you).
Ok, a bit to unpack here - I agree with another comment that having 2x6 packs of beer a night is excessive and worry for your kids. I would also suggest banning alcohol from the house and if he doesn’t want to do that, maybe he needs to find somewhere else to reside.
For now though, focus on what you can control; work out what recovery looks like for YOU, what YOU need in order to get better and go from there. Supporting and joining you on this journey are two different things and only your husband can make that decision, but you need to be strong enough to start your recovery NOW. If not for you, then for your kids. Good luck OP.
I commented on your last post about getting to an AA meeting today. Please seek help. I was raised by alcoholics and it fucking sucks. There is help out there but you have to take that initial scary plunge into the world of recovery. You can do this. You have to want this for yourself. You cannot do it for anyone but yourself. You have to realize the way you’ve been living isn’t (and probably hasn’t) working.
I have no clue what to suggest about your husband. I want to say separation but it doesn’t seem like you have a place to go with the kids. Can he leave for a while? You cannot be around another alcoholic while trying to get sober. And it seems like he doesn’t care. I can’t imagine my spouse telling me they have a serious problem and me just glossing over it. Please seek some sort of help today!!! You can do this.
Thank you. I am seeking help. I know how valuable AA can be, I grew up going to meetings with my mom who is still struggling with her addiction. I reached out to lionrock and should be receiving a call. I'm struggling with the idea of AA because I struggle with the religious aspect, and the fact that I live in a VERY small town and worry about being seen. But it's not like everyone in my industry community doesn't know about it. Service industry is all there is in this tourist down and new flies quick, so finding that community could still be good for me.
If you look online, you can find online AA meetings that aren’t religious. Look for ones that are secular. If your town is so small, you might benefit from going to a meeting where you don’t know anyone so online would be perfect
Zoom AA meetings!!!! You don’t have to go in person locally. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Getting help and actually getting into recovery is admirable. Realizing you have a problem and doing nothing about it while it’s literally destroying your life is something you’ll be judged for.
I'm so sorry. I've been in a position where I wanted to quit and my ex would fill the fridge with cases. It sucked. It made it harder for me to have the temptation accessible. I needed a team mate, not someone who's actions kept testing and tempting me. He didnt see himself as having a problem and didnt see it as his responsibility to help me. Personally, the best decision for me was to leave him and still it took me few years on and off to get sober but I did it. I really hope he and you can see how to support you right now and maybe bringing/being around all that alcohol isn't right for you. Goodluck. Join an AA group or attend a meeting. Maybe counselling. Just some options. Different things work for different people but don't think that you have to do it alone. I'm glad you began looking into resources.
Oof. The example of your relationship could have been written by me.
My husband is my best friend, i can't imagine life without him. But I can't imagine life continuing doing what I'm doing.
I've never outright requested or demanded that he quit. I think I'm scared to because what if he says so? What if he choses drinking over me?
My dad had a similar attitude to your husband but about smoking. My entire childhood we begged my parents to both quit smoking, my mom tried but it was exponentially harder because my dad wasn’t doing it with her. He finally did quit but only because it was affecting his own health. He always was a bit selfish, although he’s been much better the last decade. Mom eventually mostly quit too, though she vapes (with 0 nicotine).Â
You may need to separate from your husband in order to focus on and work towards your own sobriety. Losing your job sounds like it’s been a big wake up call for you, and that’s great. Isn’t the first step admitting you have a problem? Your husband also sounds like he has a problem but it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to admit or deal with it.Â
Hey friend? A really good place to start is the Online Intergroup of AA meeting list. You can get into a meeting RIGHT NOW, and just listen in while scrolling Reddit and figuring out your next step. Everything right now is huge and scary and full of shame and guilt and anger and fear, but hearing from other people who are there or have been there can start bringing some sanity to you. I’ve done my entire recovery online.
Don’t be afraid to seek medical help for detox. I’m begging you. Don’t fuck around with your life like that.
I’m pushing 3 years sober and it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done, hands down. Head over to r/stopdrinking (like others have suggested). Surrounding yourself as best you can with folks who are trying to do better helps tremendously. My DMs are always open, especially to another alcoholic. 💙💙💙
I am another child of an alcoholic family. I was lucky. My dad mostly kept me away from the alcoholic members, and mom's side, my grandma went cold turkey before I was old enough to remember her drinking.
I had 3 uncles and a grandfather who were heavy drinkers. The youngest shot himself in the head at age 19. I was too young to remember, but from what I was told, he was drinking to self-treat depression. 2nd youngest couldn't cope and attempted. He survived, though, and ended up dying in his 40s of something called esophageal varicies. Basically the excessive alcohol makes blood vessels form in your body around your esophagus and they cannot handle blood pressure, so they burst and you bleed to death. 3rd uncle developed cirrhosis and metastatic cancer and since he couldn't keep a job, he had no health insurance, so he was drinking and using heroin until he died from the cancer at 61.
Grandpa, my memories of him were him getting home from work with a 24 pack and sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and a cig in the other. Functional alcoholic, but too foggy and glassy eyed most of the time. I was about 7 when he reached for something and burned my hand with the cigarette. I still have the scar.
I am proud of you for seeing that you have a problem and are acting on it. Your health, security and safety will be so much better for your efforts, and it will get easier over time. Hugs to you!
I’m so sorry he’s being unsupportive. My husband is also in the restaurant industry (manager now, but was a bartender until recently) and he used to have a huge drinking problem too. He got fired for his attitude last August, which was related to the drinking. That was his wake up call that he needed to stop. He switched to NA beer if he had a craving and had soda water with a little bitters in it just to get the bite of a cocktail. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got this! Tell him that you can’t be around alcohol right now so he needs to leave the house if he wants to drink. Home needs to be a safe space for you
"so I asked if he wanted to go back to work full time. He said he could go back but that I'd be miserable at home. "
I'm confused by this - is he working part time so he can of kids???
Or were you doing that on top of working full time?
I worked full time while he stayed home to take care if the kids. I worked in a restaurant so I had constant access to alcohol. I'm not sure what you're picturing but alcoholism doesn't mean I was slobbering drunk all day every day, that's actually a major piece of alcoholism as I understand it; making rules for yourself. So I wouldn't drink until the evening and I was astonishingly functional. That's what functional alcoholic means. I was terminated vecsyee the behavior was directly seen, not noticed from my behavior. It's scary to think how long it's been going on and how long it might have continued without this wake-up call.
Girl - zero judgement whatsoever from me or this sub.
I understand where you are coming from - more than you realize.
I only asked about your husband … to understand more about the situation.
Aside from the alcohol stuff with your husband, it’s struck me as a little strange how he was so quick to say you would be miserable staying at home. I don’t mean to come from an automatic place of negativity toward your husband, but I worried it was a situation where he just did not want to work full-time and was piling onto your stress basically.
If you take the alcohol situation out of the conversation, it seems like he needs to increase his hours immediately if he can. Whatever the situation, it’s no different than you getting laid off.
I also agree with other comments or suggestions for the stop drinking sub. I recently joined that and it seems like a great place.
Above all, please don’t beat yourself up. This is a situation where there are likely scenarios:
You are indeed, an alcoholic. If that is the case, you have acknowledged that, which is huge. It is a disease and their needs ti be a certain level of grace there, IMO.
Or - you may not be an alcoholic. You may have very well just fallen into some really bad habits you just need to correct those.
Above - it is NOT fair that you confided this in him & he seemed so dismissive. (Buying beer the next day/not discussing things with you.)
But again, beyond that, and maybe I’m wrong here, but the thing that bothered me most is that it seems like he was very quick to not want to work full-time … given the situation.
(Using voice to text - forgive typos)
Sorry - I’m in a rant now after reading your responses, OP.
So, you lost your job - and do not have health insurance., waiting for Medicaid & your husband goes out & buys two packs of beer???
Dismisses your fears about yourself…:
Dismisses your suggestion that he work full time in the time being….
Not cool. It really doesn’t seem like he’s being supportive in any way.
I’m very sorry.
Look for support in the stop drinking sub. You can do this on your own … if need be. If your husband refuses to go to work full time while you are unemployed, then go get whatever you can find in the time being until you a better fit. There is no shame in that & it may help you … just on a personal level to be out of the house.
I’m alcohol dependent OP. I’ve shown up to work, still lit from the night before, not enough sleep to sleep it off. Ive shown up hung over, I’ve shown up with the “hair of the dog” still on my breath.
Sucks living like this.
When you are ready to get it under control, you need to tell your DH, no more booze. You’ll let him know when you’re ready to have it back in the house. r/dryalcoholics has been a godsend too.
Best of luck to you and that monkey on your back.
This sounds so hard, but you’ve gotten over a humongous hump here with admitting you have a problem. You have a journey in front of you, but you’ve started on it now. I wish I had more helpful things to say but I don’t. I believe in you.
I applaud you for admitting that you have a problem. Please look into an AA program near you. They will get you a sponsor and you will work at getting and remaining sober. What was your alcohol of choice? I ask this because my dad was an alcoholic and his choice was vodka. My mom still drank (beer and wine) and would have it in the house, but she never had vodka in the house. Getting sober may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be the best thing. My dad became very involved with AA and was a sponsor to many. You can do this but it’s hard. If your choice of alcohol is beer, please ask your hubby not to bring it into the house at least for now.
Oh man. I’ve been sober in AA 12.5 years now and it’s, unfortunately, extremely common for a partner to be actively unsupportive of sobriety when they also have drinking issues. I’m really sorry that you’re in this spot.
My rock bottom was pretty rough, but not as bad as it could have been. What worked for me was going to an AA meeting every day (there are all women’s groups and online zoom meetings!) and I asked women with long term sobriety and happy lives what they had done when they were new. Then I did the same. It was raw and painful and uncomfortable, but honestly it was so much better than desperately trying to “manage” my alcoholism.
My homegroup meets on Sunday afternoons and we often have kiddos watching iPads in the corner. If you need to bring your kids, that’s fine. There’s a whole world of support.
Sending you love and hope đź©·
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