boundaryporn

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ValuablePristine8037

AITA for walking out of my engagement party and refusing to answer calls for three days?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Lynavi & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Spoiler

Original Post  June 18, 2024

** AITA removed the post because it violates the relationship rule.

My (now) ex-boyfriend proposed four days ago. Let's call him Tim. Tim and I have been together for two years. We talked about marriage, (we are both 26) and kids, etc, and till last week I thought I had the perfect love life. Now, Tim has his best friend Mimi (fake name). Tim also has a friend group he is very close to. The problem throughout our relationship was, that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house. Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. For context: His dad introduced us, and till last year, before I left the workplace which I joined straight after college, his dad was my boss. I still see him as a father figure and respect him a lot.

Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. Tim said he understood and promised he wouldn't do one when he proposed. Another thing I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. Tim said Mimi only wants the best for us. I kind of didn't press the issue after he got defensive.

Thursday, after I entered my flat, I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! Before Tim even said anything Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack, as I don't do well with lots of people. I calmly told them that there would be no proposal and to get the hell out of my flat. They looked like in shock, so I just left my flat with just my purse, called my best friend on the way and told her to get them out, and just called a car service and sat in the car, crying, for two hours and went to my cabin I brought. I texted my parents, so they wouldn't worry and told them to not take Tim's calls, switched off my phone, and stayed there. Luckily I had enough cash to make a grocery run, and the cabin was used last month. I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance.

I now feel that I reacted very badly and could have handled it with grace. I might have let my anxiety take over and overreacted and I cost Tim his money. AITA?

Edit: My ex-bf and I are both Indians. One of the reasons why Tim's dad likes me is that I am from the same culture (though I am not comfortable with this reasoning). I am a lawyer and make enough money to buy and maintain a flat and a cabin. Tim only has access to my flat.

Update  June 23, 2024

Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1di663j/aita_for_walking_out_of_my_engagement_party_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Most people in both my previous posts said that it wasn't my fault, and after properly speaking to my family and friends, I realised that I was indeed, not that wrong. The bit about changing the locks, I'll get to that later, but my best- friend (who is staying with me for a few days), said that she checked and everything in my flat was in the right place, so I guess that's one problem less.

People who keep sending me DM's saying it is fake because I own a cabin, I have no answer for that. Yes, I make enough money to live comfortably on my own and also have an extra place that I like to go to alone. And to some really funny gentlemen who have sent me more DM's on how I'd never find a husband if I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut, please eat shit. I don't have the mental space to argue with incels right now.

For the main update, I went and spoke to Tim's dad first. He was very mad at his son. He kept saying that Tim had finally crossed limits with that group and asked me to forgive his son. I respectfully told him that even if I got back with his son, my dad wouldn't approve. Which was true, and I said that, because I knew for Tim's dad, my dad's opinion mattered more. His dad then said that he was deeply sorry and that he would still support me if I needed help in the future. And I decided to take the things he left at my flat to him because I didn't want him over mine ever again.

Tim said he was very sorry, that he hadn't thought I was being genuine about my social anxiety (he has seen me get panic attacks in crowds ), and he thought that his friend's enthusiasm would be a positive thing. I asked him why none of my friends were there, and he said that because I have a very small number of friends, he thought we would have a nice dinner with them to share the news. Not gonna lie, his words hurt, because his friends deserved to be at the proposal but mine didn't because there were only five of them? Tim also mentioned that Mimi didn't like one of my friends because she was a single mom, and it just made me more mad. I told him that he would be better off marrying Mimi because it was quite clear everything in his life was about her. I told him that he was a shit partner and the reason why I wouldn't marry him and his dad is going to cut off his money is because he has let Mimi bully me throughout our relationship and it was Mimi's words that made me leave the proposal. Tim looked very hurt and started apologizing. He also said that he never cheated on me, that he loved me, and he promised to do better. I told him I'd give him a chance if he cut off every one of his friends and moved with me to another city. He started crying at that and said he possibly couldn't live that way and asked me to reconsider. I told him I knew he would never choose me over his 'friends'. And I was feeling very petty, so I told him that Mimi would also never choose him over her successful boyfriend nor would any of his friends choose him over their own families. He told me he was very sorry, and that he would limit contact with them, but I told him there was no way I was going to be with him. I dropped his things, and I wanted to cry because he wouldn't even get up from the sofa or apologize or say that he wouldn't speak to Mimi again. He just turned his face away. I left.

Mimi later came by to my flat and asked if we could talk, so I let her in. My friend says it was a dumb move, but I was working and crying at the same time, so I wasn't thinking much. She said that Tim yelled at her for 'ruining his relationship', and she didn't know what she did wrong. I honestly, had zero energy for her, and just told her if she was done talking to please leave. Mimi said that she just wanted to be there for Tim, and me making his dad cut him off was an awful thing to do. I then asked why she made a comment she knew would piss me off when I was being proposed to. Mimi replied that it was 'a joke' and I shouldn't have taken her seriously. I just asked her to leave, after that. She said she hoped I would be happy in the future, so I guess that was it. All of Tim's friend's numbers are blocked, including Mimi's. I blocked Tim and I'll get the locks changed next week.

I wish I could write something positive here, but alas. Hopefully, there will be no more updates on this.

*RELEVANT COMMENTS *

Responsible-Front900

I think you did the best. But if possible, could you explain these "friends" of your ex better to me? Like is it some kind of friendship relationship where they only stay close to him because he pays for everything for everyone?

OOP

They are friends from school. Mimi included. They are a group of 8-9 people and 2 of them are engaged and one is married. Tim is (technically) the most well-to-do guy in the group, Well, his dad is. Plus, Tim always helps them out. He helps build projects, always sets up decorations at parties himself whenever any of them hosts, and even pays a few of their bills and always gives them gifts. I thought he was a very good man, and very generous, but never did any of that stuff for me. Nor for his dad. He only helps out his friends.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ill-Ad4231

My mom is saying that I’m going to ruin my marriage if I didn’t stop my husband from having an affair. For me, if he ends up having an affair there’s nothing worth saving

Originally posted to r/Marriage

TRIGGER WARNING:Spoiler

Original Post  Aug 29, 2023

I don’t know if I want advice or just vent or just ask opinions about infidelity. I have very strong opinion that if my significant other wants to cheat, I won’t stop them. If they need to be stopped, they’re not worth my love. I deeply believe I deserve someone who 100% willingly wants to be with me and wouldn’t “fall for temptation”. Let’s say it falls under my responsibility to try and stop them if I knew they’re going to cheat but what about if I didn’t know?

I’m married. We have been together for 4 years and married for 6 months. We just moved to a new apartment and little by little we have been renovating it. We’re both crafty and we want to create our dream home. We became friends with our neighbors. Also a couple. The woman is very beautiful and bubbly and I got along very well with her. She said she envied us renovating since her husband doesn’t really like these things and refuses to give her money to start her own projects. She’s a SAHM. I don’t know about her situation with her husband but the closer we got to them the more I sensed that he’s very careful with money. So I get what she means although I don’t think he is financially abusive.

Both my husband and I work. My husband works a lot from home. I have noticed that my neighbor is getting more and more friends with my husband (instead of how it started as a friendship with me). She is very flirty and she seems to have more and more in common with my husband, especially the things I don’t really like, like hiking but even the smallest things like food or sweets. She “has so much in common with him” as she many times put it.

Since she’s a SAHM, she started making my husband his favorite food and my husband has said on many occasions how nice it is that she cooks etc, now twice I came home and she’s in there with my husband, helping him with the renovations or “has just brought him lunch”. My husband doesn’t seem bothered at all so it makes me think nothing is happening between them, yet.

I was telling this to my mom and she got so angry at my “indifference”. She said that I should ban my neighbor from being around my husband and tell him not to talk to her again. I told her that I wanted a husband who doesn’t want to cheat. There are 4 billion women out there and I can’t stop him from seeing all of them. He’s the only one who can decide if his marriage is worth it.

My mom called me deranged and she is very upset with me. I don’t know what to do. I have made my opinion clear to my husband that I didn’t appreciate our neighbor hanging around with him and I even started to cook more at home. Other than that I don’t plan on having a contest with women to win my husband. I always believe if they can take him, they can keep him. It may sound so cold? I don’t feel that at all. My heart is full of love for him and I can’t even imagine myself cheating on him even if I was in a room full of handsome men, I just want the same in return.

He hasn’t done anything yet but he has texted with her a few times. Nothing flirty but they have texted. I hate it but I don’t know. My mom said I’m enabling this just to see if he cheats and then discard him but all I wish is that he chooses me. Without him knowing that I’m watching and without me asking him to choose me.

I went home under my lunch break and sure enough my cute and bubbly neighbor was eating lunch with my husband in my kitchen  Aug 30, 2023

Ok, I started this as a comment on my post from last night but it became too long I thought maybe I should make an update since everyone is asking me for one.

I want to start with some explanations. My account is new because I’m not a reddit user. I know of it through relationship posts on instagram and youtube and when I had a talk with my mom, I immediately thought of reddit to get perspective. I must say I’m very surprised at the support I got here. I thought I was way wrong after my mom’s reaction.

Some girls here suggested that I don’t tell my husband next time I left work early, well I didn’t want to wait for that to happen so I accidentally on purpose left my gym bag at home, asked my manager if I could have a couple of hours break around lunch and sure enough, my neighbor was in my kitchen eating lunch with my husband. My husband looked nervous and guilty and said yeah we’re having lunch here. They had the leftovers from yesterday’s dinner and they’ve ordered a pizza because we didn’t have enough leftovers for two. So she didn’t even make him lunch this time. I just said that I was there to bring my gym bag and left.

Now I’m sitting in my car shaking. My stomach and heart are aching. He has called 3 times but I just couldn’t answer. He texted me this:

My love (it sounds better in my language) I know you don’t like it when she’s here but you have nothing to worry about. I love you.

Now I’m trying to calm my nerves before driving back to work. He knows that I don’t like it when she’s there and yet the few times I’ve left work early, she’s been there, which means she’s probably always there when he’s working from home. Which means even if he knows I hate it, he still does it.

We have been married for 6 months. I know the first year is always hard but I don’t know. We are in out 30’s and we don’t have children yet. We only own our apartment together. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s better to call it a day now before there’s more to lose. My mom will probably call me deranged again if I tell her how I’m feeling. But I’m very VERY turned off by this. She can keep him.

Edit again:

I’m sorry for editing all the time but I’m at work now and won’t be able to respond. I just got this text from my husband, I haven’t answered his calls or texts. I need to calm down before talking to him:

Baby, you were right about X (neighbor’s name). I told her that she shouldn’t be coming over anymore because my wife doesn’t like it and she said that she had feelings for me. You were right. I love you and I don’t want to lose you.

I didn’t answer him because what can I say to this? I need to go back to work now I can’t ruin my marriage and my work on the same day.

Edit again, sorry

Hi! Now I’m at my sister’s and I could just cry. I love him but I can’t do this. He has been calling and sending messages and screenshots all afternoon. I have just answered him this:

I love you but I can’t do this. I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. I don’t think we’re compatible because our definition of love, respect boundaries and friendship is obviously very different. We probably need to call it a day before we’re even more entangled and it gets more complicated. I need space to think. Please respect that and I will talk to you when I’m ready to discuss our future.

He just called 3 times more then texted:

Please don’t do this to us. I love you. You’re the love of my life. Please don’t throw everything away in a moment of anger. Be angry with me but come home and be angry. Take it out on me. Fight me. Hit me. If you only knew how much I love you and how nobody else in this world matter to me. Come home.

I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to say. I’m going to bed. I just want to cry. I don’t want him to text or call.

Good night

Thank you for listening ❤️

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Comestible

Well, I'm convinced that he already knew the neighbor girl liked him romantically before her big reveal, and he simply enjoyed the attention. You can't trust this guy and he has only himself to blame. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

OOP

He just sent me a screenshot from her. Apparently she texted him when she got home that she had feelings for him and wanted him and how he wouldn’t regret it. She said she knows he has feelings for her too.

He answered her that she was mistaken and that he never thought about her that way. He liked her and her husband as friends and neighbors and that he loved me bla bla

I guess this is damage control he’s doing because he has never sent me any screenshots from his conversations with her before

ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP

OOP's comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/a2t7yBiAdV)

Many are asking me about the husband (her husband)

I really don’t know what to do about this situation. I don’t really know him very well since he seems to be a bit recluse. Even when we hung out the four of us, he didn’t say much. I haven’t noticed that he is abusive even if he seems to be a bit frugal or at least carful with money but it could be because he works two jobs to support his family (they seem to live way above their means if I’m being honest).

I don’t know more about him. They have three small children. I don’t want to cause pain for them and I don’t know how he would react.

My reluctance comes from my gut feeling that maybe he could harm her or himself. I’m so conflicted and scared tbh. So I have not been ignoring you who asked about the husband. I’m just scared

I’m back home. We are separating  Sept 3, 2023

Hi everyone, it’s Sunday morning and I’m back home. My husband is staying with his parents.

Yesterday he showed up at my sister’s. Puppy eyed and all, with takeouts from my favorite restaurant, flowers chocolate and ice cream (why do they always think food solves everything?). He started apologizing and saying that he loved me and that he would never hurt me. I asked him to start being honest with me, if he had feelings for her and if they’ve done something. He swore nothing happened and that he doesn’t have feelings towards her. I told him that he wasn’t honest because why would he let her in my home, knowing how much it would hurt me (and cost him) if he had no feelings for her, why risk your marriage? He couldn’t answer that more that that he didn’t think it was bad since he was secure in his feelings and in our marriage. He then admitted that he liked the attention. So you knew before she admitted it that she liked you? -Yes.

He gave me his phone and all his texts and told me to see how he never once flirted or made any advances. I don’t know, I was very sad reading and hearing all this. I told him that they disrespected me. Her last text to him is that she loved him and she would make him happier that I ever could. There was also messages with mean things about me to him and instead of confronting her he ignored her or laughed it of. When I asked him about it he apologized and said she was obviously jealous so I didn’t want to engage.

I told him that I wanted separation because I didn’t trust him anymore. He begged me not. Then he said that I should at least come back to my home and he would live with his parents. He also asked if I could promise him not to start divorce yet and just be separated for a while and go to couples counseling. He said that he messed up very badly and wants me to give him time to make it right again and not just divorce him yet.

So I moved back home this morning and he was here. We had breakfast and he left for his parents. I didn’t want him to kiss me. He will be coming home when he needs to work in the office and probably if we start therapy. On these days I can be at my sister’s. She was more than happy to help. Now I don’t want to see him for a while.

I hate my kitchen now (I’m sitting in my kitchen writing this) which is sad because we put so much effort into making it exactly what we wanted.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP's comment

He said he didn’t “enjoy” the attention just that he suspected and knew she probably liked him. He didn’t think it was more than her feeling lonely in her marriage because her husband works all the time. He said he was never interested so he thought it was harmless because he knew he wasn’t interested. I don’t know why he liked the attention. He said she would come with lunch and says she’s bored home alone and that she loved renovations and wanted to see our progress and he didn’t want to be rude.

She had made fun of my appearance (I’m not blonde) and my style and he laughed it off. When I asked him he said “well obviously she is jealous why would I engage in that? If I had defended you it would have meant I cared about what she said and I didn’t” wouldn’t the better approach be to cut her off? How hard would that have been?

Most importantly I asked him if it was all innocent, would you have told her husband she was spending all days with you. He didn’t answer but stood silent, because he knows it is wrong.

I’m sorry but if MaNy PeOpLe LiKe aTtEnTiOn, then they’re not my type of people. If he thinks her opinion is flattering, he is not my type. He is not what I want to grow old with and have (not blonde children) with, as she wrote in one of her texts making fun of our children.

Please f off you obviously think you’re so much better and wiser than reddit wth are you even doing here?

~

MoneyPrinter12

You should invest in a front door camera

Definitely Tell her husband cause She was actively cheating on her husband with yours whether emotionally or physically and he should know what she’s doing.

He blocked her after the text or when he showed YOU the text ?

Do you believe he went to his parents ? Have you asked them if it’s true ? Cause why would she tell him that she loves him and could make him happier ? What was he doing that made her feel and say that ?

If you’re staying make sure you get a postnuptial agreement to protect yourself.

OOP

No he blocked her after that text.

Yeah he was at his parents. I don’t know why she told him that because I have no idea what they talk about when she’s here. I don’t know why she would make him happier tbh. She seems childish if she thinks making food and having the same taste in music makes a relationship. After I left and she confessed she wanted to sleep with him he told her he wasn’t interested at all and then she wrote some mean things about me and that she loved him and would make him happier. So he blocked her

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/I-Passed6789 in r/tifu

mood spoilers: Spoiler

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Original 16 January 2023

I started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago. Let me be clear, we have known each other for a long time because he was a friend of my cousin. He asked me out few weeks ago and I said yes. I have known him since I was like 15. I also know his family too because our moms were colleagues. So, anyway, he came to my house 5 days ago to pick me up because we were having a picnic date. I was in the living room watching a kid's show "Phineas and Ferb". I really like this show. I have been watching the re-runs since I was a kid. This cartoon had a huge impact in my life. I still watch it whenever my mood is off so that I can still cling on to the innocent child inside me. I was laughing at a part. And he was standing next to me. He was a little confused judging by his expression.

He asked me if my nephew was in the house. I told him no. Then he asked me then who is watching cartoon since all of my family members are adults. I told him I was watching it. And I really like this cartoon. I then proceed to tell him that I still watch this particular cartoon because it was a part of my childhood and I have some good memories linked to it. He told me it is really embarrassing and ridiculous. I asked why. He told me that I am a 24 yr old woman. Why am I watching something kids watch and I need to grow up. It really bothered me. I don't think there is an age limit to watching cartoons.

Since that day he would make fun of me. Whenever we go to restaurant he would jokingly order from the kids menu. He would talk to me in baby voice as if I am a kid. Whenever I tell him to stop he would say "Awww, lil 'op' got mad? How cute." and sometimes even use phrases like young lady. It was really frustrating. Today we went to a party, his friends were there too. I was meeting them for the first time. He introduced me and said to his friends that he needs to be locked up because he is technically dating a minor. He then tells them how I still watch cartoons and they all laughed. Some of them find it awkward. He also made fun of my height too (I am 5'4 and he is 6'1). He proceeds to shuffle my hair like people do on kids. I got mad and told him "It's funny how he makes fun of me being a kid, yet he still needs his mommy to do his laundry." His smile just wiped out of his face. I further said "Well at least this kid knows how to keep herself clean and know how to drive unlike him who failed the driving test 2 times." The room went silent.

Later when I got home, I got calls from my cousin that I overreacted and embarrassed him in front of his friends. And he was right to make fun of me because who the hell watches cartoon when they are adults. I told her I am not interested in entertaining boys who feels like they can make fun of anyone they want but when someone does the same they act like little babies. I guess that is it. Probably the shortest relationship I have been on.

TLDR: A guy I was seeing made fun of me because I watch "Phineas and Ferb" in front of his friends. So I gave him the taste of his own medicine. Now he is pissed.

Mini Update: Well my cousin again texted me. She told me he was upset and after the party he went home with his "girl best friend" and spend the night there. She wants me to apologies because apparently "I am letting a good guy slip." Well, let him slip. Slip inside a volcano.

​

Update (17 January 2023)

Hey gang, thank you so much for all the comments and awards. I am trying to keep up with all the heartwarming comments and people who are way older than me still enjoying cartoons like I do. I cannot reply to all the comments so thanks to all of you.

I wasn't going to make an update but a lot of things happened in the last 24 hours. D!ckhead called me this morning and asked if we could talk. He told me that he was sorry for making fun of me but what I did was wrong because I humiliated him in front of his own friends. He said if I want to continue this relationship, I need to apologies. I was like fuck no. You are the one who started it. I just gave you the taste of his own medicine. And you have the audacity to think I will give you a chance after you spend the night at some girl's house. I am not an idiot to think that you guys didn't hook up. Well he didn't confirm or deny it. But he still insisted that I was wrong and even went on to comparing me to his girl bestfriend. That she is way more mature than I am because she watches adult shows and not cocomelon. I told him to never speak to me and we are done. He can watch his adult shows with her but I don't care. Of course my cousin was pissed but I handled her. She should know how much I had to deal with bullying growing up and I was straight with her that I will not tolerate any form of disrespect. I should have dumped him the day he insulted me at a restaurant by ordering from the kids menu. And she shouldn't be asking me to keep him around when she literally broke up with her last boyfriend because he did a prank on her. She wasn't too happy but she understood and told me she wouldn't bother me about d!ckhead.

But there is a silver lining to all of this. I got a message from one of his mates on my instagram. He apologised for what d!ckhead did and him making fun of me because I watch cartoon was very tasteless. I remember him clearly he was the only one in the room who was pretty much disgusted by his jokes. Also he told he too likes Phineas and ferb. And ironically his middle name is Phineas. We talked a lot basically about our favorite shows and anime. Needless to say I will see him next week in animecon in my town. I am thinking I will either go as Mikasa or Yor Forger. But I am really excited to have a date for animecon for the first time.

And lastly CURSE YOU DARRY THE DICKHEAD. (His name is not darry).

Also I want to clear somethings out.

1. Guys, I am not a doormat. I found some comments calling me a doormat. If I was one I would have taken him back.
2. Also those who sent me memes of Phineas and ferb and those who sent me pictures of water and lemon slices, you guys are hilarious. I love your humor. And those creeps who asked me to send my pictures and asked me if I am milk chocolate or light brown chocolate, go to hell!! What the fuck is wrong with you?
3. Also those who are telling me to post it on relationship sub or aita. I don't think I am the AH. Or want to fix this relationship. But the reason I think I fucked up is because, I actually went too far with my insults.

TLDR: Broke up with him officially and already got a date for animecon.

Edit: To those who are concerned that phineas would be like dickhead, I hardly think so because they are not that close friends. They go to same grad school. Phineas was there because his friends dragged him to the party. He and dickhead only interacted few times.

Edit 2: It has only been 2 hours since I have posted this. People are already starting to call me a wh0re, a town bicycle and a shitty person because I didn't even wait an entire day before saying yes to a date. To all those people, F-U-C-K-Y-O-U. Don't act like you guys are pious. I don't understand what is the problem here? I made it clear to Phineas that I am not willing to date or have a rebound. Yet he insisted that we go to anime con together because we were gonna go alone anyways. We only bonded over our mutual liking of cartoons and anime. I am sure you jerks would have been at least fascinated by someone who shares the same interest as you. And when I say date, it doesn't mean it is a romantic date. I go on dates with my close friends too and guess what none of us have any intention of fucking the other. Stop suggesting me to go on therapy too. I am only breaking up with a jerk, not going through a divorce. I am done trying to justify myself to you pathetic gargoyles

Mini update

Wow I never thought I would end up in Boru. Also in case anyone is wondering, I went as Nezuko chan. I couldn't afford the Yor costume. Maybe next year. Phineas went as Kento Nanami. And between me and him, we are taking things slow. We are very different. So, possibility of romantic relationship seems kinda low. But at least I was not alone in animecon this year.

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\*Reminder - I am not the original poster. I am a 42 yr old woman who still watches Phineas and Ferb with my daughter. When the last movie came out me and my daughter had a "mother daughter movie night" I still watch it when I am bored. There is no shame***

[removed]

I am not the OP. OOP is u/ThrowRATucanTucans, who posted in r/relationship_advice after her first post was removed from AITA and on her own profile.

Originally posted in A I T A but was removed by the mods. 

My husband (M35) and I (F32) have been married for seven years. He lived next door and we just clicked - it was like a fairytale. One thing I have always thought made our marriage so strong was our friendship with each other and our trust in one another, although now my husband seems to think otherwise. 

Recently, my husband found out that his friend, 'Geoff' (M34), has been baby trapped. Basically, Geoff's wife (F32) stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant a few months into their relationship, and only came clean after the wedding. Geoff came from a very conservative family, which his wife knew, and so he felt obligated to marry her after the pregnancy. Unfortunately, he also now feels obligated to stay regardless of the clearly messed up dynamic because he feels that he has made a vow and will stick by his wife and child. 

My husband, for some reason, has been really rattled by this. I am currently four months pregnant with our first, and my husband asked me yesterday if I was trying to baby trap him. I first laughed because I honestly thought it was a joke. He was dead serious and doubled down, so I told him that we have already been married for seven years and a baby was not going to 'trap him' any more than he already is. My husband did not like that answer and said that there was no time limit on baby trapping, and that my intentions were clearly not pure given how I was acting as if his concerns were a joke. He said he had trusted me in the past, but me laughing in his face gave him no reason to trust me now. 

I did not really know what he wanted or how I was meant to respond, and I said we should talk about this in the morning. Today I woke up and my husband was gone, but I did have a nasty text from his brother (M28) saying that I had forced my husband into this pregnancy - despite it having been a joint decision! My husband is MIA and not responding to calls or texts, and now I am wondering how on earth to go forward! Any advice is appreciated.

​

Not sure if I am allowed to post an here again, but I wanted to quickly update everyone who was kind enough to give me some advice. I didn't respond to anyone because my post was locked quite quickly, but I have read every single comment and message. I am very grateful! 

I realised while I was reading the comments that everyone was right - I wasn't angry enough. My husband had insulted me and our marriage in a very hurtful way, and it just didn't really register for a while. I was so confused and upset that it didn't occur to me to be angry, but I think everything just needed to sink in. 

In the meantime, I called my best friend (F31) who has been such a rock in my life. She came over with some chocolate, and was furious when she heard. 

She called her husband (M34) to the house after I had gotten everything out of my system. He is a family lawyer, and he said that he would happily represent me if I wanted to go through with a divorce. This man is a saint, and will draw up divorce papers on Monday. 

My MIL (F66) showed up with my husband in the car not long after my best friend's husband arrived, and she practically dragged him to the door. My MIL said that he had showed up at theirs late last night saying that he was certain that I was using the baby to trap him. Fortunately my MIL is a smart woman and absolutely tore him a new one before dragging him to the house today to apologise. 

My worm of a husband did not look me in the eye the entire time, but said that he was scared about becoming a dad and projected his fears onto me. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready for that kind of commitment, but he will step up (as if he is some kind of hero - eye roll). 

I called him a coward and told him that he should stay with his parents until I am ready to talk to him. I didn't want to say anything about the divorce papers because I didn't know what his reaction would be, but he will find out soon enough. 

I also showed my MIL the text from my BIL, and her face was like a storm cloud. I don't know what will happen there, but I am sure it will be bad.

For now, I am exhausted and just want to curl up and cry. My best friend has said she'll spend the night with me and we can watch silly movies. I have also made an appointment with a therapist for next week, but for now, I just need to rest. I am exhausted and devastated that my marriage has come crumbling down. Sorry for the sad ending, everyone!

Thank you to everyone for all the messages and kind pieces of advice. I have received so many requests for an update, so I thought I would quickly post and let you all know how I am doing.

Overall, everything has settled a little bit. In good news, I had a scan with the doctor (my MIL attended with me), and the baby is happy and healthy. I finally found out the gender, I am having a little girl! I am over the moon. My MIL was a gem, and was so touched that I had included her in the scan. She is very excited to be a granny.

On that note, my MIL organised a family lunch a couple of days after the scan. I was a little reluctant, but I knew that she had good intentions and wouldn't do anything to make matters worse. When I arrived, my husband and BIL were there, along with my FIL (M70) and MIL. It was quite awkward until my MIL asked if anyone had anything to say. My BIL spoke first and apologised for his awful text, saying that he was swept up in the moment and wanted to support his brother. I explained how hurtful it had been to receive such a nasty and vindictive message, and that he knew as well as anyone that my husband and I had been trying for almost a year. He hung his head and mumbled something. That was pretty much the last I heard out of him for the afternoon.

Next, my MIL looked quite pointedly at my husband but he actively avoided anyone's eyes. Eventually she spoke up and announced that my husband would no longer be welcome to stay in their house. She said that she was ashamed to have her son behave the way that he has, and that she would prefer to make space for her granddaughter rather than have "some lowlife hanging around." My husband had opened up his mouth to say something earlier, but his eyes lit up when she said granddaughter. My husband had always wanted a girl and he was suddenly in tears saying that he was so pleased to hear the gender.

My husband was suddenly wanting to touch my belly and asked if he could come home and paint the nursery. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not welcome and that he had destroyed any trust I had in him. I told him that if I took him back, I would be worried that he would disappear at any kind of big news and that I couldn't have someone at my side who baulked at the first chance. He asked me if I was telling him it was over, and I point blank told him that that I had engaged a lawyer. My husband was kind of frantic but I felt so calm, like someone had put a blanket over me in the situation. Normally I am a big crier, but I felt so removed from everything.

My husband said that this was not fair - he had shown a little bit of panic and suddenly I am throwing away our life and denying him his daughter. My FIL reminded him that this is the same baby he felt trapped by no more than two weeks ago. My husband said it was a mistake and he was stressed, but my MIL asked him how he thought I felt. She asked him to imagine being so vulnerable and giving up your body to grow a family, and suddenly the one person you trust is accusing you of terrible things. He said it was a mistake and he projected his fears onto me.

I told my husband that I felt so broken when he left because I had all these dreams of a beautiful family which came crashing down in an instant. My husband said that he wanted those things with me and he wanted our baby girl, but that he let the panic overwhelm him. I told him that wasn't a good enough excuse for what he put me through, and that he certainly didn't seem panicked when his mom had to drag him to my door to apologise. He didn't have much of an answer other than to say that he was ready now and wanted our girl.

In all of this, in all the times he told me he wanted me and our baby, he never once apologised properly.

After a very, very long discussion, the lunch wrapped up and my MIL stood by what she had said about my husband not being welcome. He asked again if he could come home with me, and I told him that it was my house (I owned the house before we married), and it was going to be a safe space for me - that is to say, he is not welcome. As far as I know, he is staying at some hotel.

Finally, he was served divorce papers at work on Friday. My bestie's husband drafted them earlier, but I wanted to wait until I had thought it all through. I received a few missed calls and crying voice mails asking if I was really throwing away our family, but I did not respond. He even took a crying selfie sitting in his car, which my bestie laughed at quite a bit. My MIL called me when she heard, and told me that I am making the right decision. She said she never wanted my marriage to end this way or for her son to be so callous, but she said she is here for my baby and I, and that we will always be family. She even tried to apologise on my husband's behalf, but I told her that was not necessary. At the end of the day, his actions are his to own.

My best friend has been around all weekend and we went baby clothes shopping for a little bit of sunshine in all of this. She has been such a rock, and her husband has helped so much with the process. I don't know what will happen next, but I feel much calmer and like I am making the right decision.

I will update again if anything major or exciting happens, but for now, I just want to get through all of this and hopefully come out with a beautiful baby girl. Wish us luck!

I am not OOP. OOP is u/throwaway_1849573. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. I added some paragraph spacing for readability.

Since this post is about dogs, today's fun fact to cover up spoilers is about dogs. While there are many facts I could share, the one that piqued my interest today was that apparently dachshunds were originally bred to fight badgers.

Mood Spoiler: Spoiler

Original Post: December 16, 2022

I’m really upset about this right now. I’m 17F. My parents divorced when I was 12. It was really rough, they pretty much hate each other and still have trouble doing anything together where I’m concerned. I try not to talk about them to each other and just keep things separate.

All the fighting and chaos was hard on me and was effecting my mood and school work when it was all going down, so my dad felt bad and let me have a dog to help me feel better. Someone nearby had malamute puppies, so I picked out one and his name is Tycho and he’s my best friend. Even on the weeks I’m with my mom I stop by after school every day to take him to the dog park to play and get his cuddles in. I love this dog.

My dad started dating Melanie a few years ago. I don’t really connect with her, we’re just really different and she’s way too touchy, but she makes my dad happy so whatever. Her son Ben (9M) is autistic and needs a lot of accommodations, he gets really upset and has meltdowns when things change or are done differently. He’s also really scared of Tycho even though as far as I know Tycho has never done anything to scare him, he’s a really laid back and well behaved dog.

Dad and Melanie recently got engaged and they want to go ahead and move her and Ben in so that they can get rid of their apartment and save money. My dad told me about it and said that since Ben is afraid of Tycho and needs a stable environment at home, Tycho is going to have to go somewhere else. My mom’s townhouse doesn’t have room for him and my grandparents aren’t in good enough health to look after a big dog, so we would have to rehome him.

I admit I didn’t take it very well and we had a big fight. I told him that no way was I going to give up my dog and I’m going to college next year anyway so they can put off the move until the spring when I can find a place to take him with me. My dad says they need to do the move over the holidays and Ben is more important than a dog. I told him if he gives away my dog I’ll never forgive him and that he obviously thinks Ben is more important than me, too.

My dad is mad because I’m making this a choice between me and his fiancée basically, Melanie is having second thoughts about the engagement since I “don’t want to live with them”, my mom is mad at my dad and they’re fighting again, and I’m afraid to leave Tycho alone because he might not be there when I get back. My aunt says I’m being childish and my dad deserves to be happy.

AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Why do they need to move over the holidays?

"I think it’s something to do with her lease or something, I don’t know. Maybe also having time to move. My dad just said that it would be a lot more trouble and expense to wait."

Could grandparents foster the dog for a few month until she gets her own place?

"I’m going to talk to my grandparents again this afternoon I think. I’m so afraid my dad is just going to take Tycho while I’m at school so I might just grab him and take him to my mom’s for a couple of days until I can figure something out. She doesn’t have a yard and the place is too small for a big dog longterm. Maybe if I can move in with the grands I can help them out with chores the property and keep my dog with me, they have plenty of room. My dad won’t like that, though, and I’m guessing there’s going to be another lawyer show down if I do that."

How long have you had Tycho, and are you an astronomy or expanse nerd?

"5 years."

"Astronomy, after Tycho Brahe. I’m a space nerd."

Can you move in with your grandparents?

*"*I’m going to see if they would be willing, they could probably use the help anyway, but my dad is going to throw a fit and I don’t want him to make things hard on them either. I’m going to talk to them this afternoon after school."

Why would your dad throw a fit?

"They’ve been fighting over custody stuff since the divorce, and my dad is super strict about time. He won’t want me to move totally out, but I’ll have to if Tycho goes to my mom’s or grandparents to take care of him. I guess my mom “wins” if that happens."

OOP is voted NTA

Update 1 (Same Post): Approximately December 17, 2022 (Using wayback machine)

I talked to my mom and grandparents after school. I brought Tycho to my mom’s place this afternoon and I’m going to to take him to my grandparents tomorrow. I’m going to split time between them and my mom for awhile and my grandparents said that if I go to college nearby I can live with them while I study to make sure I don’t lose my dog. So I’m going to look at maybe doing two years at a local college and then transferring to a university later.

I haven’t told my dad yet, but I will after I get Tycho settled tomorrow, I already went online and made sure his chip information is up to date with all my info and my mom’s as backup. Pretty sure all hell is going to break loose but honestly, I’d do almost anything to not lose my dog including just not going to college right now if that’s what I have to do. He takes care of me so I have to take care of him.

​

Update 2 (Same Post): Between December 18-24, 2022 (The wayback machine didn't capture it and unddit only shows the last update.)

It’s been a rough few days, my dad flipped his shit when I told him I wasn’t coming back to his place and he and my mom are duking it out right now. My mom’s lawyer asked me a bunch of questions and then said not to worry about it. Melanie called to find out what was going on so I told her that if living with her and Ben means I lose my dog I’m just not going to live there anymore and she tried to talk me out of it because my dad didn’t want to lose me, but I told her that’s just how it is. I think they’re fighting now, too.

My grandparents said my dad is being totally unreasonable and he’s not allowed to come on their property. Gonna be a fun Christmas, I’m just going to stay at my grandparents and try to keep my head down until I go back to school. But Tycho seems to like it here, he has a lot more space to run around and still gets to sleep next to my bed, so he’s happy at least.

​

Final Update (Same Post): January 17, 2023

Ok, last update. So, Melanie broke it off with my dad. My dad didn’t talk to me for awhile, but he finally asked to have lunch so my grandpa went with me because he wanted to make sure I was safe and my dad didn’t yell at me. My dad apologized for trying to make me give up Tycho and wants me to come back home. I told him I would come visit but I’m still afraid he’ll take my dog.

Living with my grandparents has also been really nice, it’s quiet, they appreciate me helping out with the farm, and my grandma is teaching me how to cook. He wasn’t happy, but he said he understood and we worked out a plan for me to visit for dinner a few days on the weeks that used to be his weeks and I’m dropping by to see my mom most days on her weeks, but spending most of my time with my grandparents.

I got a scholarship to the local branch of the state university and it’s only an hour and some away and has the degree program I want, so I think I’m going to go there for at least the first two years. I’m going to talk to admissions about getting a waiver from living on campus since I’m helping my grandparents. Both my parents are going to chip in on an allowance for me and Tycho while I’m in school, my mom says my grandparents can relax more and are feeling better with me there (also they love Tycho being around now too) so it’s the best option for everyone and I’ll be able to budget for vet visits and everything. My dad is still mad at my mom and Melanie, but he doesn’t want me to miss out on college and he seems to be more himself after the first week of visits.

Thank you all for the advice. I’m so relieved this has worked out, I’ve had hella anxiety over Christmas about all of this, but I get to keep Tycho, things are mending with my dad, and I’m on track for college.

Originally posted by u/Throwaway-Row4401 in r/aitah on Dec 19, '22, updated about 5 days later.

TW Warning Cat Fact: DID YOU KNOW...

That a female kitten can reach sexual maturity and become pregnant at just 4 months old?

The youngest I have seen a female become pregnant was at 3½ months old. This can be dangerous for both the mama cat and her babies. Don't wait to spay and neuter! Feel free to hit me up if you need information on finding low-cost spay/neuter clinics.

Content Warning: Spoiler

Original post

AITA for refusing to apologize for accidentally breaking my BIL’s nose and kicking him out of my house?

Some context, I (32F) was r*ped when I was 17 during a home invasion (I was home alone). It has taken me years of intensive therapy to learn to live with what happened to me, and I am now in a great place, and overall happy. I should mention as part of my healing process I’ve taken Muay Thai (Thai kicking-boxing) since I was 18 to help develop a sense of control and self-defense. One of my few triggers due to the nature of how my attack went down is being grabbed from behind. Being grabbed from behind automatically makes me panic and triggers my PTSD. All my close friends and family are aware of this. They don’t all know the reason behind the fear, they just know not to do it, including my BIL.

Now, onto the AITA part. Last week, I hosted a get together with a couple of family and friends at my home. My BIL(29M) has always been something of a prankster/jokester. In the 5 years that he and my sister have been together, we have gotten along fairly well, and his prankster ways has never been an issue as he’s never really directed them towards me. At one point during the evening I went upstairs to change. My BIL thought it would be “hilarious” to scare me as a prank. While heading back downstairs in the hallway, he came out of the guest bedroom and grabbed me from behind.

I lost my shit. In my panic, I elbowed him in the face, which ended up breaking his nose. Even after everyone rushed upstairs, and I saw it was just him, I could not stop spiraling and was in a full meltdown. I ended up calling him every name in the book and kicking him out of my home.

Now that a few days have passed, my sister reached out, stating that she thinks I need to apologize. Her reasoning being that he had no way of knowing that pulling a “harmless prank” would have caused such a reaction, especially since he didn’t know the reason behind my fear. I stand by that, it doesn’t matter that he didn’t know the details of why I was scared. He was aware that it was a debilitating fear caused by something traumatic and should’ve known better. Not to mention that he has yet to apologize to me as I “broke his nose”.

Our family believes that my violent reaction was justified. However, they do think that kicking him out was a step too far. So AITA?

UPDATE:

First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for all the support and wonderful comments. Especially all the comments calling me a bad ass for learning to defend myself and get to the point where I am today. Truly thank you, you all put a genuine smile on my face. Also, all the F around and find out comments made me laugh, which, after all the recent events was definitely needed.

I wanted to first clarify/answer some common questions I saw. For those wondering what I meant by being grabbed from behind it is not a simple tap on the shoulder or a gesture someone would make when simply trying to get your attention, when I say grab from behind think bearhug. Also for those wondering, my attacker was caught and is currently still behind bars.

I ended up sending my family, sister and BIL included, the link to this post. After reading the comments, you all have made the family members that were previously thinking that I took it too far in kicking him out apologize and agree that until I felt comfortable, my BIL is not to be invited anywhere I am. Especially since he I am told is doubling down on that while “maybe it was messed up of him to scare me, it was still just a prank and I still broke his nose and need to apologize”.

So with that being said, I decided that he could kick rocks and I hope his nose heals crooked. My sister and I have not spoken. She sent me a text asking to meet me this weekend to talk.

Throughout this ordeal the thing that has hurt the most has absolutely been the way she has downplayed what her husband did. She more than anyone knows how hard everything was for me, and was there to see the aftermath of my attack. Depending how everything goes this weekend I will take the advice you all have made and make the decision on whether I need to go low/no contact with her. At least, until she fully understands the severity of the situation and apologizes. I will possibly update this post one last time after this weekend to let you all know where we stand. Again, thank you all

2nd UPDATE:

Hello all, after a very difficult and tearful conversation with my sister, I have come to the decision to go low/no contact with her. Completely no contact for sometime. She, like the rest of my family after reading all the comments you all have made, finally saw it from my perspective. She did apologize and state that she truly does understand what her husband did was wrong. However, she feels for the sake of her own marriage that she needs to stick behind her husband. And so, in the meantime, if her husband is not welcomed somewhere, she will not be there either.

I will say I am very hurt and disappointed, but that was her decision to make just like I made my decision in keeping my distance as it’s become clear that it will not be possible to maintain a relationship with her without maintaining one with him, which is not something I am willing to do for the foreseeable future.

Almost 3 weeks after the event and after reading hundreds of comments, this man is still doubling down. Even apparently had the nerve to say that the reason why everyone is on my side is because I provided a “sob story” beforehand. He still apparently fully believes that despite it being “messed up” it was still just a “joke” and I “overreacted and I am lucky that he doesn’t decide to sue me for the medical bill that he is going to receive for the broken nose.” Not that it will go anywhere as him grabbing me is considered assault.

I will no longer be updating this post. Again, thank you all for the support, and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday ❤️

I am flairing this concluded as OOP has talked to her sister, is standing her ground on no apology to BIL, and has decided to go low/no contact. This appears to be the (albeit sad) resolution (I say sad only because her relationship with her sister has been affected; BIL can suck dinosaur balls)

Originally posted on r/AmITheAsshole by u/basicallyalazyass , who gave permission to poste the update here, since AITA mods removed it there. (I'm a first time poster here, hope I'm doing this right)

Original posted 1 month ago

AITA for getting my job back to get out of taking care of my husband's autistic niece?

My husband (30M) became the legal guardian to his sister's daughter (17F) two months ago. She lost her single mom last year. My in-laws took her in but they were too old. That was when my husband became her legal guardian despite my concerns. He told me that he would take care of her completely.

We got married a year ago after 15 years of dating. I had a very successful career in a very physically and mentally demanding field. I had to travel a lot. We wanted to start a family and I agreed to be a stay at home mom. I quit my job few months into the marriage when I got pregnant. Sadly, I had a miscarriage. Then his sister died and everything is on hold. In the mean time, I took a part time job in a related field which allows remote work so that I am not bored out of my mind.

My SIL was a nurse. She quit her job to take care of her daughter full time. Her daughter has a variety of issues including non-verbal autism, a series of development disorder like dyslexia and severe sensory issues.

My husband says that he does most of the work. But he doesn't. Since I am working from home part time most of the caretaking falls to me. She gets angry and has meltdowns all the time. She doesn't like the food I make and most of the time she ends up throwing to food at the floor or at me. I am at my wits end and it is just so emotionally exhausting.

Around Dec 15, my husband was working late and asked me take care of dinner. She is very picky about food. The slightest change in texture or taste from what she is used to can cause a meltdown. She threw the plate at my feet and I ended up bleeding. At that point, I called my husband and asked him to be home asap. He said he wouldn't be able to. I went up to my room and told him I am not dealing with this anymore. He came hours later and she was still crying. He was absolutely furious at me. He called he heartless and irresponsible. I told his I have had enough of both of their ungrateful behaviour and told him that I am going to my mom's and I wouldn't be back until New Year's.

He panicked and tried to apologise but I left. He called me everyday asking me to come back. I finally came back and he told me that my stunt had forced him to all available leaves to stay home with her. He told me that he was glad I was back. I told him that I contacted my former company and got my old job back and it starts next Monday. It is in-office and requires lot of travel. He asked me who was supposed to stay at home as she cannot be left alone, he has no more leaves and full-time caretakers are too expensive. I told him he promised to take care of everything when he became her guardian and that it was his problem.

As you can guess, my family supports me and his family thinks I am being extremely selfish. So I am asking judgement from impartial strangers.

AITA in this situation?

Update posted today

Update to AITA for getting a job to get out of taking care of my husband's autistic niece?

Lot of people were messaging me for an update. So, here goes.

I wish I could say things got better.

My husband took a few days off to interview special needs nanny / caretakers. He ended up finding a good and experienced person to take on the job. He hired her for 9-6 during weekdays.

One day, she ended up saying she cannot make it for a couple of days due to an emergency. My husband had a meeting he couldn't miss and asked me to look after his niece for the day. I refused and he took my car keys while I was getting ready and left before I noticed so that I could not go to work I grew up with a narcissistic, gaslighting father who did stuff like this all the time. I told him to come back in 1 hour or I will call CPS and once they get there, I will call a cab and get to work. He ended up driving back and this turned into a big fight and I told him that of he does it again, I will walk out and never look back. He apologised and said that he was just desperate.

The worst happened 2 weeks ago. I needed to travel for a couple of weeks for work and I could not find my passport. I am a very organised person and I knew that I did not mispace it. I ended up calling the non emergency helpline. They ransacked the house and found the passports hidden in his gym bag. It is a crime to steal passports and they asked me if I wanted to press charges.

I said no. Another fight. He told me that he needed me at home that weekend due to a social welfare visit and he knew that I would not stay even if he had asked me.

I kicked them both out of my house and I told him I would call the police if he came near me again. My house is a premarital asset, thank God for that. I told him that I would be filing for divorce.

The welfare visit turned into shit as neither of them were living there when the worker showed up and the social worker also knew about the recent call to the non emergency helpline. So, all in all, she was not impressed with our bullshit.

He came by 2 days ago. He told me that ended up moving in with his parents. They own and live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. That doesn't qualify according to welfare norms. He ended up asking me for another chance. He asked if I would consider letting him and niece stay until they figure it out or she would have to go to state's care. He told me that there is no way he can afford rent and a carer and begged me. I told him that I could never forgive what he did. He knew my past with my father and he still went ahead and did it. He suggested they could move in and we can work on this at couple's councelling. I told him that I could never trust him again and that it was over. He asked me if he could get his parents to take in the niece or even relinquished her care to the state, if I would give him another chance.

I think months of worth of anger burst that day. I told him that even though it may appear as if the problem between us is niece, it was actually him. He didn't ask me before taking her in. He did nothing to help. He waved my concerns away whenever I felt burnt out. He took on a responsibility without consulting me and dumped everything on me. He chose to take my keys. He chose to hide my passport. I told him things may have been different. Him, niece and I may have adapted and become a family if he hadn't made the wrong choice, at my expense, at every turn.

I told him to get out of my house, it was over and I never want to see any of them ever again.

I still don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong. I know people wanted some sort of happy ending, but it is what it is. I still have not started the divorce proceedings yet but I will soon. For now, I am taking a break as it had been a very emotional and draining couple of weeks.

I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL POSTER!

I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/throwawaydisgusted1 in r/trueoffmychest.

Trigger Warning - Spoiler

Original (10 Oct 22)

My husband (a white convert) called me (a Pakistani Muslim) a sand nr during s*x

The title says it all. I'm visibly Pakistani Muslim so it wasn't the first time I've been called that, but he has NEVER called me that. We are NOT into degrading, so I don't know where it came from. I'm so embarrassed. I can't even tell anyone in my life. I haven't spoken to him in two days. Every time he comes up to me he says it was a joke and he is sorry. But I don't know, I just can't. I feel so disrespected. Like shit. I don't know what to do

Adding this in here so people stop in the comments - just because I didn’t know Muslim porn existed doesn’t mean I’m naive. I’ve watched porn before I just didn’t know that existed. AND I know I need to talk to him, I’m just in shock.

EDIT: I didn’t think this would get more than a few comments. I’ll answer some of the commonly asked questions in the comments. A white convert is a white person that converted to Islam.

He doesn’t watch porn. We have both agreed it’s not allowed in our relationship. We have spoken multiple times, even before we got married about what we like and don’t like and degrading was NEVER on the table. I can’t just leave someone who I’ve been with for 7 years, who I have a life with. I have to really think about this.

I can’t tell my family, he is my brothers best friend, he basically grew up with us, my parents love him and I don’t really want to tell my parents or my brother about what he said during sex.

I don’t feel comfortable going to a Imam and sharing this with them. I didn’t make him convert, he grew up around Muslims, he converted on his own. He knew it was a slur before, it’s not something he’s never heard before. He does not have a history of dating South Asian or Muslim women since we are each other’s first everything.

EDIT 2: so many comments are saying I’m okay with him saying it was a joke, I never said that or implied that. I didn’t say his excuse was okay. The fact that he’s writing it off as a joke pisses me the fuck off. And okay yeah maybe I’m being naive and he does watch porn. This will be one of the many things I will bring up when I finally get my shit together to confront him. Another thing some people are commenting, my family didn’t arrange this. When we told them we were together my brother was pissed and my parents were just shocked.

Update (16 Oct 22)

Update: My husband (white convert) called me (Pakistani Muslim) a sand nr during s*x

I am going to divorce my husband.

Some may say this is a hasty decision and I should sit on it, but no. There is no way I can look at that man the same way again, no way I could be intimate with him again, no way I could have children with him. I will be taking time off work so I can start the Khula process and get a civil divorce.

Once I got my shit together I sat with him and explained how I felt and I asked him to explain why he said it and why he thought it was funny. He said it was a joke, cause we've joked during sex before and that I was being dramatic. That I'm taking this all too seriously, that he didn't mean it. I'm not a violent person but it took everything in me not to hit him. I asked to see his phone, he gave it and said he wasn't cheating. But I wasn't worried about cheating, I wanted to check his history. And y'all were right, I was naive to think he wasn't watching porn. He was watching a lot of hijabi and BWC porn. I didn’t even know that existed. I still can't believe the disgusting things I saw in his history. I thought we had a good sex life but I guess I wasn't enough for him. I left him and went to my brother's and told him what had happened. My brother went to my place and they fought. They're not friends anymore. I’ve also told my parents. My family were disgusted at him and told me that if I stayed with him it would happen again and I would be disrespecting myself, so I knew I was supported by my decision to leave him. I told my friends and they said what many of you guys said in the comments, he was fetishizing me. He grew up around us and then married one so all this time I was just a fetish to him. I was an easy target since he had known me since he was 14 and was friends with my brother. Some people bought up microaggressions that I may have become desensitized to over the years and I think that may be the case. I thought the phrase came out of nowhere but there had to of been a build-up to it. My brother also told me he had called him out for saying sand n****r and some other weird stuff in the past. He argued and tried to apologise but there was no coming back from this. I cannot be with the man who fetishised me and betrayed everything we had built together.

Thank you to the many people who commented with kind words and advice. To those who were asking why was I even thinking of staying after he said that, after being disrespected and dehumanised like that, and that 7 years is nothing - I'm sorry. I'm sorry that a small part of me didn't want to believe the man I married would say that. That MAYBE he had some good reason for saying it. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but I was in so much shock and had so many things that I had to think about.

Also, some people bought up the niqabi whose husband filmed her and posted it on a porn site. I wasn’t worried about being filmed but after seeing his phone I was scared that he had posted videos/photos we had taken with consent. After going through his phone I couldn't see any evidence of that so I deleted it all from his phone. And many people commented on how I didn’t know that Muslim porn was a thing. I’m sorry I didn’t think to search for hijabi or Muslim porn when I did watch porn. Fetishising myself isn’t my thing. Just because I liked a white man doesn't mean I would search up hijabi-white man porn.

Reminder - I'm not the OOP

OP's note. I just realised most you don't know what it's like being fetishized and thus are confusing preference w fetishization so I'll give an example from my life.

Preference - oh yeah i like brunettes, i think they're prettier.

Fetishization - Konnichiwa! i love Asian women, they're so sweet and demure and feminine. They're so respectful and small and so on.

Questions?

Reminder that I am not OP. Formatting slightly edited for readability.

Original post with update

ORIGINAL POST:

Throw away account

Also, first time poster so please excuse any mistakes.

I (f30) have been with my bf (m33) for a little over a year (16 months). Bf has 4 children (12m, 7f, 7f, 5m) from a previous relationship. I met the children around our 7th month dating after meeting their mom around month 5. Bio mom and I get along well. I understand her concerns of being replaced and assured her I'm not trying to take her place in any way.

On to the situation. About 3 months ago I received an invitation to the wedding of a friend. I am allotted a +1 and naturally invited my bf. We discussed the theme of the wedding (cannabis wedding), transportation (open bar) and a few other details. I also discussed these plans with my bff (f31) incase there was an emergency (she is my support system as I am LC with my family). Fast forward to the big day. After spending months discussing plans, bf shows up to pick me up for the wedding...with his four children in the backseats. I look at him with a confused look and ask him what's going on. Him- what do you mean Me- why are the kids in the car, did you forget you were picking me up for the wedding today Him- I didn't forget, I just thought this would be a good family outting.

At this point, my mind is blown and I am frustrated. I asked him why he thought that, seeing as how we discussed the plans. He said it's not a big deal, they'll only be attending the ceremony. I inform him that my invite is for me and my +1, and not a +5. And besides, nothing about this event is appropriate for children. He then says "ok, we can skip the wedding and just have a family day". I told him absolutely not and that his bad decision making was not going to be my problem. Sent him on his way, called my bff and 2hrs later we attended the beautiful ceremony.

Bf sees this on Snapchat and goes ballistic on me. How could I go without him, how could I replace him, how his children felt rejected, how I should've skipped the wedding for a family day. I waited until he ran out of steam and calmly told him that he made these choices. We had plans and he chose to try and change them last minute. That his changes were inappropriate and also not my problem. He called me an asshole and is refusing to speak to me until I apologize to him and his children. He also wants an apology from my bff for attending the wedding in his place.

UPDATE:

Finally talked to my bf. I showed up at his house this morning at 5am because the silence was driving me insane (he works overnight and gets off at 4am so I knew he was up) and we discussed the situation and he did apologize. Apparently he spoke to his children's mother and she ripped him a new one. She did text me this morning (I don't think she thought I was up) to try and help his case. Informed me that he didn't really grow up going to social events and the only wedding he's ever been to was family. Apparently they just show up with friends and family (whatever that means). She also thanked me for having common sense and not taking her children to a "fucking weed wedding"and if she had known she would've switched weekends with him or came with me herself lol.

She told me to call her next time something like this happens. I just told her not to worry about it. Anyway, the conversation was productive. After he apologized he explained that his babysitter (his sister) fell through (she tested positive for the Vid) and he didn't know what else to do. He said he understood where he went wrong but was too embarrassed to admit this to me.

This was the🚩🚩🚩 for me. I told him that I understood what happened and wished he had just talked to me. He told me it wouldn't happen again. I told him that he was correct, it won't happen again because this would be our last conversation. 4 days of not speaking really spoke volumes and the fact that he was too prideful to admit his faults didn't sit well with me. I also showed him the post and he got upset with me for sharing personal business with strangers. I told him it really didn't matter at this point and he accused me of not considering his feelings. I took Reddit's advice and just left. Didn't say goodbye, just walked out and blocked him once I got to my car. My brain started to hurt at the thought of continuing the conversation let alone the relationship.

Just wanted to let y'all know that I handled it the way it needed to be handled. Thank you for the last 2hrs because I seriously thought I was wrong for how I spoke to him in front of his children. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend! I'm going to sleep now, because this situation has been plaguing me for a week and I'm tired.

OOP’s post from 5 days ago (thanks /u/tiemeupinribbons!) here:

I don’t know if ages are required or relevant here but I’m 29 Husband is 29 His colleague is 36 Her husband is 34

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I love him very much even now that I want a divorce I still love him. I found out about 3 months ago about his colleague when I visited his office and she was there. Apparently they have been working together for 5 years and they’re very good friends and yet I never heard about her until I saw her. Something didn’t feel right at all. Now I was paying more attention to his texting habits and yes he does text her almost every evening and a few times a day in weekends or when he’s working from home or on vacation.

I asked him why I never heard about this good friend of his and he said we rarely talked about work since I never understood his field. I hate playing games so I told him it was still odd that I’ve never heard about someone who he is on daily contact with. He gave me his phone and said that they haven’t been on daily contact constantly but it came in waves when she’s having troubles at home. I read their conversations and it’s a lot of joking around. Calling each other cute names. Her complaining about her sex life (jokingly). Her asking intimate questions about me. Her asking if I threw a good birthday party to him (his birthday was in on June 14th: this text stuck with me because he was texting her at the party and she answered “you must be bored at your own party or you wouldn’t be texting me instead of being with her (me)”. I told him that I didn’t find this back and forth texting appropriate and I considered it flirting. He was taken aback but said he would stop if it bothered me so much.

A month later it has started gradually again and I showed him that I wasn’t happy about it. This time he came home with HER to let her reassure me that nothing is happening between them. She was very ironic and disrespectful (according to me, thats her sense of humor according to him). She was smirking and basically telling me that if I had low self esteem and felt threatened by their friendship, it wasn’t her fault. When she left I told my husband that I never wanted to see or hear anything from or about her anymore and that if he would rather have her as a friend than me as a wife, that he should say so. They stopped texting.

We had a 3 week’s vacation and we spent it in Santorini. She probably texted 2-3 times a day. He answered her at the end of the day when I was in the shower or something. When I asked him why he said “she had marriage problems” I asked him if he was a marriage counselor on top of his career and he just laughed it off. When we came back home from Santorini we still had one week of vacation left. We went for a dinner and a movie (she probably knew because she was at the same restaurant later) we exchanged hello’s and she asked if we wanted to join them. I said yes. She was very pleasant and asked about our vacation. Touching my husband in a “friendly” way. I then asked how it was with them because I’ve heard from my husband that they were having marriage problems. All three froze. Her husband asked what? Who said that and I answered that it was my husband who told me. My husband tried to explain with some dumb excuses and I said but you showed me the texts she sent every day about her having problems but that I was sorry if I got the wrong idea. She looked very angrily at my husband.

When we got home he told me that I was out of line. I had enough by then. I asked him if they have slept together and he said only once before he even met me. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I’m thinking they’re having an affair. At least an emotional one. He denied it and called me silly wanting a divorce over texts with a friend.

Now I’ve been thinking about it for 2 weeks. And I’m adamant about my decision. I want a divorce. We’re not fighting but I asked him to move to the living room and I have refused intimacy and any type of physical connection. I spend more time out of the apartment. Work, work out and long walks. I spend a lot of time in a library or the movies (alone) and when I come home I’ve already eaten dinner. I just take a shower and go to bed. I have spoken to my mother about everything I’ve written here. She thinks I’m making a big fuss about nothing. And my in laws have heard about me asking for divorce from my husband and they also think I’m making a big fuss. I haven’t told anyone else yet because I’m not prepared to hear how immature and rushed my decision is. He has tried to talk about compromise. Stop being her friend, marriage counseling and even find another job or move to another city but my guts are telling me something is very very off and that marriage shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early.”

Notable comments

"I would be feeling the exact same way. Trust has been lost. Respect for you has been lost. And the fact he brought her to your home so you could meet her. I’m glad you got those comments in with her husband. Good luck to your future. I am positive you’ll be much better off and I’m sending good vibes."

OOP: I thought that too. He’s known her for 5 years and me 4 years and yet I never heard of her until 3 months ago. Someone so close to him that she could openly discuss her sex life with. NO!

"I’m confused why they were upset when you brought up marriage problems. Did she expect him not to share things with his wife? Idk divorce seems rushed if you still love him."

OOP: She probably didn’t know he told me or that she wasn’t discussing problems in her marriage with her own husband because he looked dumbfounded

"Damn girl! That's a queen move with the restaurant scene..You got them like deers in headlights. Imo, you're doing the most mature thing a scorned wife could ever do. And outing them in front of her husband was a good move. Maybe it wasn't intentional on your part but still that's the best way to do it. It's never too early for divorce. You had a gut feel and it turned out right, your mom and in-law were just speaking as moms would but I'm rooting for you OP. You deserve a good ma."

OOP: I was provoked by the touching like they were on a date and m and her husband were chaperones or something 🤷🏻‍♀️

"This woman is after your husband and he’s obviously not opposed to it. You’re completely right."

OOP: This was what I told him in one of our last talks. That she’s after him. And he’s at worst reciprocating her feelings and at best just enjoying the attention. Even then best is far from what I’m comfortable with. He said he is neither and I told him that he should stop lying to himself because I’m not buying it. At least have the decency to he truthful to yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

"Why don't you let him just cut contact with her if he offered and save your marriage,? If that friendship is the only thing that's affecting your marriage, if he gets rid of her, there works be no problem. Isn't marriage supposed to be until death ( not problems) do you apart?"

OOP: He had 4 years to cut contact on his own and 3 months with me asking him

"Is there anything that he can do at this point to repair the relationship?

OOP: He is denying everything. Maybe if he took responsibility for some of his questionable actions but no he’s playing 100% innocent. He’s having an affair at worst or enjoying their flirting at best. He doesn’t want to admit even that

"Is he still trying to backpedal and get you back even now?"

OOP: He is. And he isn’t giving me anything to work with. Deny deny deny. At least admit to someone small like you’re enjoying the attention but no. He’s so innocent. And I have asked him about when he slept with her. She’s been married for 12 years. So if it truly was just that one time (I don’t buy it) he basically slept with a married woman😞💔 I thought he had better morals

"I might’ve of missed it but did you say how your husband responded when she made a joke about him being bored at his party? I really don’t think you’re being rash or making a big fuss because your husband has been so disrespectful towards you and your marriage by letting this woman take jabs at you and not telling you from the beginning about this friendship and their past relationship. I hope you are doing okay and I’m so sorry you’re going through this!"

OOP: Every time she would make a “joke” where I’m the bottom of it he just doesn’t answer. It wasn’t just about the party it happened multiple times, but the party stuck with me because I spent hours in the kitchen making delicious tapas for 25 ppl and I thought he was happy because he’s a foodie 🥹

OOP’s STBX posted his take today here. He originally looks for sympathy, but he finds none in the comments.

My wife is leaving because she thinks I’m unfaithful with my married coworker. I’m not. She wrote a post here that went viral

And now she got all the reassurance she needed to believe that she’s doing the right thing.

She’s the kindest, gentlest, funniest and most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. And I’m all hers.

I love her and I’ve never loved anyone like her. I’m hers mind, body, heart and soul. Everyone who knows us is shocked. Everyone who’s seen us together and been around us is saying that she’s lost her marbles. Yet she trusted internet strangers to tell her I’m bad news.

Notable comments

”You the dude who brought home the bitchy married coworker to gaslight your wife? The one who continued to text the coworker even after she told you it was making her uncomfortable? The guy who slept with this married coworker before your wife met you? Yeah, dude. That’s a fuck ton of nope from me.”

STBX: That was so stupid and I apologized. Being stupid and being a cheater are not the same

”Honestly man, if you’re not actually physically cheating, you’re 100% emotionally cheating.”

STBX: What does emotionally cheating mean? I have no feelings for my coworker. Not even before I met my wife. She didn’t tell me she was married and we had sex on my first day at work. I was 24

no feelings for my coworker

we had sex on my first day at work

Pick one. Sounds like you felt something, even if it was just little you calling the shots.”

STBX: I was explaining why I did a married woman. I didn’t know she was married. You can do people with having any feelings towards them

/u/burnt-----toast pointed out this one, which I think is the most telling:

”Did you make this post to try to change your wife’s mind?”

STBX: yes

"“I love her and I’ve never loved anyone like her …” But you didn’t love her enough to respect her boundaries that you not text your coworker anymore. She said you offered to move jobs or even move cities. You’re only offering that because she said she is leaving you. Why is it men only understand women when the consequences of their behavior come back around and smack them in the face? You’ve made your bed now you know what you must do."

STBX: I wasn’t thinking in terms of boundaries and I’m sorry for that. I just know my own feelings and I thought my wife had no reasons to doubt my love or worry about anyone else. She’s all I think of. I thought she knew this

"I then asked how it was with them because I’ve heard from my husband that they were having marriage problems. All three froze. Her husband asked what? Who said that and I answered that it was my husband who told me. Hey OP, what was this all about?"

STBX: I was surprised that my wife would discuss some else’s private business the first time she met them. That’s not her

"Have you stopped talking to the woman to start? And have you told her husband the truth? I believe your wife told you to do so."

STBX: Yes. And started looking for new jobs. I have been going on interviews and I’m going on a few more next week. I haven’t told the husband no, I thought his wife should be the one telling him. Out of respect. They also have small children.

"Your wife asked you to tell the husband but you're too much of a coward to do it. Have you even told your coworker to tell her husband she cheated on him or you will?"

STBX: Not a coward. I have respect for him. His wife should be the one telling him

"You're a home wrecker and emotional cheater with gas lighting AH to boot. It isn't from stupidity, it is from your on going choices. Stupidity was it first happening. Choice was when you allowed it to keep going knowing how your wife felt. You dug your grave, now lie in it."

STBX: You're a home wrecker and emotional cheater with gas lighting AH to boot. It isn't from stupidity, it is from your on going choices. Stupidity was it first happening. Choice was when you allowed it to keep going knowing how your wife felt. You dug your grave, now lie in it.

"You don’t even realize how much of an emotional affair you had.. it doesn’t have to be physical… you snuck around texting this woman and hanging out with her and your wife asked you to stop. It’s about boundaries. Your coworker clearly wanted you.. you should never need to talk to another woman 24/7.. that woman was just as wrong and clearly was lying to you about her married life to keep talking to you… which you found out when her husband responded to your wife. If you had no feelings you would’ve respected your wife and cut this woman off… but you couldn’t stop and snuck around… that’s emotional affair. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/is-your-friendship-becoming-an-emotional-affair-0822184/amp/"

STBX: This is not true. I never spent any time with her outside of work. And yeah I could have answered a few texts from her. Not on daily basis and never behind my wife’s back. I just felt awkward ignoring all the texts

"Is it possible that this co-worker has strong feelings for you? That would explain your co-worker's behavior as well as your ex's suspicion of you cheating."

STBX: Maybe. Or maybe she just wants an affair because she’s not satisfied with her sex life

Notable comments on OOP's post after STBX posted

"I know you’re not changing your mind, but what’s he done so far to rectify the situation? Has he cut her off or not? Is he telling her all about his problems with you since apparently they bonded over that. Has he told her husband that she cheated on him with your husband?"

OOP: He’s not doing anything to rectify the situation. He’s just denying any wrongdoings. Not even acknowledging that he was enjoying her friendship and/or the attention he’s getting from her. Thats not the way to solve problems. You at least confess to a lesser charge to be credible. He’s panicking and begging and it’s hard to experience because I’m not heartless and I love him and I hate seeing him in pain

"Is he still trying to win you back?"

OOP: Yes, he is panicking and very distraught. I feel sorry but I can’t help him. He must understand that this is over and the best way to do it is to be firm💔

"You don’t think him leaving the job and blocking her with some counseling is worth trying?"

OOP: I don’t want this type of relationship tbh. I don’t want to be the one telling him this is wrong. I don’t want someone who doesn’t take my feelings seriously until it’s too late either. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve ever taken and it hurts so much because I miss him but sometimes we need to take difficult decisions

"She set her boundaries multiple times and he still violated it and even gaslit her. That’s enough"

OOP: I don’t want to have a husband who can’t see how wrong keeping a friendship with someone you’ve had history with from his gf/wife for years is. And I don’t want to have a husband who doesn’t do right until everything is lost