do you feel like you belong wherever you are?
do you feel like an outsider as a black woman?
Discussion š¤glad you're embracing who you are. as for feeling uncomfortable around black people, you just gotta take the jokes and stand up for yourself. my peoples are from the island and it's the same thing. i think it's a survival tactic, a way to ensure you ready for the "outside" world.
I was about to say āyes, Iāve been there onceā. But thinking more about itā¦ I donāt think I ever did. Iāve definitely felt like an outsider before, but I never was one. And I donāt think you are either.
There were plenty of times where I felt like a weirdo and an outcast, but never when I was around black girls/black women. I donāt how, but I always managed to find my people. Even when I felt othered by the black community as a whole, there was never a lack of black girls (or black boys) that were just like me. As weird as me. And with interests like me.
And now with social media, black women that are just like me are everywhere.
So no, I donāt feel like an outsider at all.
that's cool that you were always able to find your people.
This, so hard. Iām with you. I found my people.
Yes. Thereās only 3 Black women with my work (myself included). Weāre all in different departments. I used to work in a different department where my supervisor was one of the Black women but since switching due to being bullied out by white folk, sheās just slowly stopped acknowledging my existence. I could tell my asking how her day was and saying hi was a nuisance so I just stopped interacting with her altogether. I canāt help but feel that maybe sheās pleased/relieved to be the only Black woman in her department.
Ik ik āwe arenāt a monolithā but it still hurts to essentially be on your own even with other Black women present who know the struggle of being in all white spaces.
Also by the time I finished undergrad I was the only Black student in all my classes.
Iām looking to move to a more diverse area like Toronto but Iām priced outš¤·š¾āāļø
sorry you have to experience that. if you haven't read all about love by bell hooks, it's on youtube. be yourself. you don't have to conform or twist up yourself to make others feel comfortable.
it depends on where i'm at. in majority black environments, i fit in fine bc i can find my people. in places where black people are the minority, i definitely have a harder time fitting in. i never really get why...
as i told my friend. there are three types of black people: the acceptable, the threat and the unknown. the unknown is a threat by default. if you are not an acceptable black, the vibe around you will be different. it's not your fault.
When I was in my second Masterās program in top 5 university, yes. They tell you to network and you always have to code-switch or fit their standards.
i was never good at code switching. guess that's a privilege. do you still feel like you have to code switch?
To be honest, I stay to myself. I speak when spoken to but I have two people I trust with my personality. I learned everyone doesnāt deserve to know you outside of work or college.
that's true.
My sister always say work friends ain't friends even though I feel differently since I had made my friends at previous work places. But as I get older, I'm very content with being by myself now. My social skills have dwindle lol. I'm just tired and want to focus on my life and my child's now.šš¾
I have been doing this years before the term "code switch" became a thing of existence. I'm in my early 40s now. It's interesting that the newer generation are literally re-shaping/repackaging the things we used to do. I feel comfortable not to switch gears because I work in a predominately place in BK, NY. Even though it's diverse, it's still predominately black. I feel like I'm at home but of course, the professionalism is differentš¤£š¤£š¤£. No place is safe but I have done worked in my places where I was the token and I'm so tired of that life. No amount of money can make me go back to being a token or one of the few in predominately white workplacesš¤£š š¾āāļø
I used to feel like an outsider everywhere I went but now I donāt care anymore.
Same!
A lot of the time yes regardless of the color of the people around me. I donāt really worry about it though. Iāve always been kind of a do my own thing kind of person but I do notice it.
have you tried connecting with the ladies of this sub?
I have connected with people on this sub as well as multiple other places too. Iām not saying itās not possible to connect with people but you asked if Iāve ever felt like an āoutsiderā, which I took to mean just different than the prevailing group at any given time (not necessarily bad but different or donāt quite belong to that group). To that, how I interpreted the question, yup, absolutely. My opinions and outlook, quite often, differ from the people around me but not on purpose. I notice it but donāt necessarily think itās something that needs to be fixed. I hope that makes sense because the way I worded it may not.
If I had to think of any groups Iāve been in where I fit more often than not it would be the black girls š¤ horror group and the equestrians of color group but both of those are online mostly and if we are talking in person, both groups practically donāt exist where I am, which is fine. We are a bit spread out, especially the second one.
no, i understand. recently met a black woman who is into horrors. i would like to know more about these opinions and outlooks if you're willing to share.
I guess it depends on the topic and which group I happen to be in at the moment. I guess a more controversial difference of opinion came up when the George Floyd murder happened and before anyone was actually held accountable. I agreed with the other black women in one of my groups that Chauvin should have been charged with murder at any degree they could reasonably convict him on. Where we differed in opinion is when referring to officer Lane. Personally I didnāt think he deserved nearly as high of a punishment because of a few reasons. He was the only one that spoke up and said anything in the moment but unfortunately even he was out ranked and outnumbered, considering he was basically a rookie nobody was going to listen to. The other women felt like he deserved to be charged and convicted with murder as well. I was the only one that felt differently about that aspect and believe I was being reasonable and fair but I understand why they felt differently.
oof. i understand. i've realized that, in our current reality, nuance expose how dogmatic many people are.
I felt this. Sometimes I hate being āinformedā and really trying my hardest to have nuanced opinions. I often leave myself out because I donāt want to appear as a know-it-all or antagonistic.
I think we are talking about two completely different things. Why wouldnāt you want to be informed? Even if you are, if itās a topic that doesnāt have a clear right or wrong answer, I would expect people to have differing opinions even with the same information.
If I actually acted as my full self I definitely would be one lmfao
we can always be our full selves in private.
Yessss! I feel like Iām living in the twilight zone or like Iām experiencing imposter syndrome. Some days feel like Iām living an out of body experience, like I canāt believe this is how I feel everyday. Itās hard to explain.
you deserve to be where you are. no one can take that away from you. have you read all about love by bell hooks? it's available on youtube.
Thank you so much! I will check that out š
no problem. peace
I feel like an outsider to most young women. I dress like an old woman, have no friends, and donāt have a zest for living anymore. Also have extremely bad anxiety. I used to not talk at all. Now I copy the standard pleasantries and repeat them just to get by.
do you "dress like an old woman" because you want to or because of something else? when was the last time you felt a zest for life?
Because men donāt know how to act and because I donāt care what people think anymore. Cant remember.
i hear you.
I only felt that way in white spaces but I have not felt that way in a long time.
glad to hear that. lets hope you never have to feel that again.
I'm racially ambiguous so I live life as a woman of color (but people don't view me or treat me as black). When I'm with other habeshas (or africans in general) I feel like I belong but I did used to feel like an outsider when I was around non-africans.
For the most part. In the places where I frequent, yes. But I have been places where I did feel uncomfortable and like an outsider for being black and/or simultaneously black and woman. Pretty much only at Hispanic grocery stores can I remember acutely feeling that way, especially in recent years. Literally the only reason I will go is for the avocados (because theirs are superior to the ones sold in typical American chains) and the tamales. Not all, just some. I havenāt felt that way at Asian grocery stores though. But other than that everywhere else yeah I feel like I ābelongā.
Who do you view as being an āinsiderā?Ā
We are the insiders to me, soā¦ no, not really. But when I centered other ppl and revolved my life around being included by them and not my own, then yes I did.
"We are the insiders to me"
i like that
Yes, I belong.
Iām my Blackity Blackity Black self in all situation so youāre going to get this if Iām there. And Iām not modulating it to ease youāre comfort. My comfort is based on me being myself.
I didnāt get here on day one. But Iāve reached a point in many aspects of my life where thereās no material heat from me being myself. And itās possible that āmyselfā if tolerable to enough of the population that Iām not betting tons of blowback.
love having breakthroughs.
Not really, but I do notice when white people cluster together and exclude others.
But that is a them personality flaw ... Not me as an outsider.
"But that is a them personality flaw ... Not me as an outsider."
in learning to truly love yourself you start to realize this with a lot of people.
I've only felt like an outsider in 2 male dominated industries that i worked: waste management and ship supply. Never with other women.
how was it working in male dominated industries?
So Waste Management. The one I worked at was a family-owned business since the 1800s. Women could work in the office, make the coffee. Plan the lunches. And Italians got all the good jobs. When I started they had just lost a federal law suit and were working under a consent decree because they lost a lawsuit against the black truck drivers.
I worked in the office basically doing admin functions. A job opened up at the scale house. So that's basically roofers and contractors coming to dump their loads. The scale house supervisor would weigh them in and then weigh them out with their empty trucks and then take payments.
I interviewed for that position in front of four men. They loved me in my office function. But in the interview they asked me all these questions that they would never ask a man. They basically told me you know you can't wear high-heeled shoes at the scale house. Duh. I have not worn high heel shoes since I was 20. I'll never forget it. They thought I really couldn't deal with gardeners and roofers and contractors which is ridiculous.
I went back to my desk called the local State University and had them send me an application, filled it out, got accepted and quit. That's how bad that interview made me feel.
And the ship supply business you're dealing with a bunch of operations men, truck drivers, and Warehouse people and your customers are sailors. That company was truly like the Wild Wild West until we got bought out by a company from Denmark and then suddenly they were all these rules that most companies have. Suddenly had HR people and sexual harassment seminars. All the cussing had to go away. All the old guys used to inappropriate touching and speaking to you with Endearment had to stop. Not an easy transition for them.
damn. couldn't imagine what that felt like. hope your in a better place.
I would've left myself but I have worked in an industry filled with men and they were all trying to hit on me, I was 19 the time. Where Google is now located in NYC on 14 th Street, another company was there for years. I forgot the name but I used to work; it was a menial job for 6/hr. The men were sleazeballs, alot of ish use to be said in my presence. But I dealt with it until I got a better job as a college student.
fellow NYer. sorry you went through that.
Awwe, thanks,Ā i know. We survived through lol
Boo, you strong to withstand that but I hear yuh as those industries was their own world and also back than, SH and all the "rules" that folks have to follow were not even a thing before. But as folks started speaking up for themselves, and integration of other cultures and genders enter fields that had certain demographics, things had to change. Honestly, I think it's for thr best, how do you perceive it now? Do you like how certain workplaces (that were predominately men) changed? I bet they retired too lol.
I live in Vancouver Canada and black people make up 2% of the population. I'm out of here after I advance more in my career. Probably won't come back idk.
damn. that's out there. wishing you a speedy advancement.
Most of the time no. However, Im okay with being a lone wolf in situations where I don't fit in with the group. I think the bigger issue is if the group is okay with me being an outsider if I don't fit in with them. I think this is true for any person though
"I think the bigger issue is if the group is okay with me being an outsider if I don't fit in with them."
love that observation.
Often but I can usually enchant people after awhile and I never coon.
i know what your saying but ik they out there. i just need to move from this city.
nothing wrong with moving to a more friendly/comfortable environment.
Yes in my high school years, the class is predominantly white and I had a hard time fitting in at all, theyāre are 2 mixed girls in the class(both half black) that I thought would be my friends but they didnāt wanna be my friends, the second year I had friends but they kind off bullied me the entire year so that didnāt work and now the last year Iām alone. I have friends in the school but theyāre in other classes. I feel so sad I havenāt gotten friends from high school because everyone I know has high school friends they go out with after school and come to school with, but Iām just alone. It affected me so bad I went home after 1 lesson because I couldnāt handle being alone and it even affected my education. Now itās much better because we end school early but still kind of sad I havenāt connected with people in my class that good.
it doesn't feel like it, but you'll rise above it. remember that self love is probably the most important thing a person can have outside of food, clothes and shelter. truly love yourself and learn to enjoy being alone and quiet. if you can bring yourself joy, it will attract people. but by then you'll realize that they are only their to siphon energy.
I used to. And then I found my crown and realized that anywhere I wanted to be was where tf I belonged so...there's that lol folks just hate on us and I can't blame em š¤·šæāāļø you feel out of place because you're surrounded by your lessers
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. No because to anyone, Iām just a black woman. They donāt care if I feel I belong or not; thatās who I am to them. I also feel deeply connected to my ancestors and family, and since they are black, Iāll be the best black person I can be. Everyone should strive to be the best version of themselves.
Yes because there is rampant misogyny and homophobia (Iām bisexual) in our community and sometimes I do feel left out.
Once or twice both with non-blacks and black people. Not everyone can truly deal with weirdos and crazy people so š¤·š½āāļø
nothing wrong with being weird in a messed up system.
Apparently it is, especially from the black side if you āsound white,ā interests and experiences that somehow arenāt black, and have a different and idealistic viewpoints.
that is unfortunate. go where you are loved and avoid the toxic.
I live in a major city and, I hate it here. I hate living in America at this point in my life in general to be perfectly honest. I live in a city that is known for being the best place to be....invisible. I feel painfully lonely and invisible in this city and the quality of life for me is depressing.Ā
If I won the lottery, I would head to Europe and other places that make me feel more at home. I was at work a few days ago, working with Caucasian males who are so Narcissistic and moody, that I've gotten to a point where I don't even speak to them often. I am the only Black employee (what's new) and I feel like our lives are worlds apart. If I'm not bringing up random topics asking them about their lives, they literally don't give a crap about mine. Over the past few months, I've literally been quiet whenever around them. I can see the wheels turning trying to figure out why I'm quiet, but they have zero increased interest in my life. They love the attention they receive from me, but that's about it.Ā
I'm just tired of America honestly. I know I would be happier living elsewhere. I've been to many other places around the globe, and the way I'm treated as a Black person in other areas of the world are better than this country that has all of this money and diversity. I don't know what to do because I was saving my coins and readying myself to get out of here, but stuff happened, and now that's postponed until the universe comes up with something else. š
don't compromise yourself for the comfort of other people. love yourself, be yourself and find joy in yourself.
I don't. I zone out, make my money and go home.š Yet, I am still cognizant and observant of peoples behavior.Ā
I enjoy my own company, however, I still need to move out of this country. It's about improving my overall quality of life.
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I struggle with this A LOT. I have always lived in predominantly white spaces. A majority of my friends are white. They're allies though. ;-) Because I was raised in such white spaces, I actually feel quite uncomfortable around black people a lot of the time. Then, on the flip side, usually being the only brown person in the spaces I am in, also makes me uncomfortable. I grew up in Alaska, then moved to Western Washington, Northern Idaho, and now Eastern Washington.
I grew up in Anchorage which is actually, a very diverse city. With it being a military city (we have Joint-Base Elmendorf-Richardson or JBER for short) up there, so once I hit middle school, I got hit with a culture shock. This is when I was introduced to other students of color. This is when I started getting teased relentlessly for "not being black enough" hence, I feel uncomfortable around other black people a lot of the time.
It wasn't until the last 3 or 4 years or so that really, REALLY started to embrace my blackness. Being in a severely racist space like Northern Idaho and some of Eastern Washington where I currently live really made me realize I am who I am and I don't want to suppress it. It's been quite a journey, and I am still learning and growing, but it feels rather amazing now.