Just wondering. I know people already say men don't really ever process their emotions. More of just bottle it up but I've seen some posts that tell me that men hurt just as much and feel very similar to how women do. Interested to see other people's perspective.
To a normal "friend": "dude i feel free again, single is best thing ever!"
To my brothers: " i haven't slept in a few days, survive off of energy drinks and frozen pizza, i dont even have the energy left to shower and every waking moment my mind is not stunned by dope or im fully sunken in a game, im thinking about her."
I'm so unbelieveably glad i have 2 brothers i know i can dump everything on, as they can on me. If i need a couch to sleep on and a shoulderto cry i can go to them.
I hope everyone has someone like my brothers but i know most people dont. Thats the saddest part
I am so happy you have people you can truly express yourself too without being judged!! It's so important and I value the friends who let me vent to them so much. I agree that many people don't have that support system. It is very sad :( no wonder depression is at an all time high.
Men have never had a support system. Our support system is "what a pussy". Which apparently worked for a long time until recently with the share your feelings stuff.
I have brothers. Definitely not as great as yours sound.
Well, we went through a lot together.
Im the oldest, and me and the middle one served together, and both of us nearly died multiple times.
Our youngest is adopted (does NOT change anything) after being my best friend for 15 years and his father died. Gov wanted to deport him as he doesn't have citizenship. Aint gonna happen as long as we have a say.
If you hear us talk tho, you would think we hate each other :D
I didn’t sleep for 2 days just went through life on auto pilot. It took a while to process
Ha, thats how i deal with family member's death.
What helped you to process it?
Pink Floyd Breathe album on blast, then focusing on other non romantic relationships with my frienss.
Self destructive behavior. I drank a lot and smoked a lot to not feel anything. Eventually went to therapy after I learned one of my best friends from home died in a a car accident.
because being emotional as a man isn’t as societally acceptable it’s common for guys to just bottle things up, of course it hurts as much as anyone else it’s just about how men handle it. As a guy we all need to make it more common to process our emotions healthier.
When my 1st gf broke up with me, i behaved the same as before. But i was broken for good 6 months. No one ever noticed and only my mom kept asking if everything was alright. I told my friends 2-3 years later that i felt like shit back then and they actually were very supportive.
It's mostly us getting in our own way. Always appear strong and stuff like that.
I'm sad that it's the case. I do think a lot of dating issues that come up in this day and age comes from lack of emotional intelligence and poor communication from both parties.
But men are much more open than they were in the past. The fact this is even a discussion or topic is proof of it. What do you think men fifth or sixth yeahs ago did?
I have a group of friends and we are close to fifty. Some married or not. But thru the years we all had heart break. We ask if they alright and try to talk but it’s not much they share. One got divorced last year. We talked but he was ok and didn’t need to say much. Maybe that’s just men’s nature. I mean, I get annoyed if they kept asking me if I was ok ? How I am feeling? I don’t think women handle break ups significantly better. And they talk to each other about things a lot
I think it's happening. It's slower than we want, but a few guys ik are more invested in mental health and are open about themselves being in therapy.
Like most traumatic events. Numb for 3 or 4 months. Then cry for a month. Then move on.
I can't speak for everyone nor will I try to, But I've "processed" breakups by not being able to process them, don't have the luxury, confidence or the looks to jump straight back into another one, instead I've had a few depressing years of isolation until the next woman came along and I landed in another situationship, with that ending and me being left even more hollow, So the cycle continues.
Only difference is the last one ended so badly that I have no choice but stay alone now, can't survive another risk anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes it's important to have time alone as well to reflect and see where the relationships weren't working. Someone told me before that if you wouldn't want to spend time with yourself then why should anyone want to spend their time with you? It's taken a lot of reflection for myself as well and I do think that every relationship I have been through, I learned more about what I want and what boundaries I need to set and also how to respect my partner and be a better person for my future relationships. It's hard and scary but I know I want to be the best version of myself for when I find the right person.
Good outlook to have, hopefully it works for you
I hope you also can find what you are looking for!
I felt the same, but after 4 or 5 years, I started to feel like I have to risk it again. I want to have a family. I mean, it feels like winning the lottery is about as probable as a) finding a girlfriend b) staying with her and marrying her c) having kids and d) still staying with her at least until the kids are grown up. The plan is likely to fail at each step. I know men who have lost their children and have no more contact with them after a break-up. That must be next level heartbreak. But I still want to try even if I may not survive it.
Hey man. The best I can say is if you feel you can’t risk it, don’t. But do what little you can in a day to build your resilience. One day you’ll feel ready again
A clean cut heals the quickest
I bottled it up and told myself to stop acting like a whiny bitch. Then I hit the gym hard to fill up extra time and make myself feel better. After a few months of that I decided I can get my revenge by living my life better and got my money and body right to be attractive. Moved to a new city, got new friends, eventually found a new gf who became my wife.
Just pumping weights can be enough as an emotional outlet, too. Letting my anger out with every rep, with proper form of course.
Did this while increasing my deadlift from 40 to 100kg. It's nothing to brag about, but the progress makes me proud.
doing this rn to get my body in better shape and also get over my ex who left
That's one way to do it
Hmm not sure “whiny bitch” is what you meant to say. Is there a non-misogynistic way of saying what you meant to say?
Whiny baby?
Sorry. It did come off that way. It’s just colloquially used in my area by a lot of men in my life when I would complain. I guess I often heard the term “bitch and moan” when I complained and just associated it strongly as “bitching=complaining.” Please excuse my ignorance. I didn’t mean to connect women with it although it came off that way
I appreciate your respectful reply!
It's not that deep
sometimes appearing to bottle up emotions, while women might express their feelings more openly. both genders experience hurt and loss, but societal expectations can influence how they cope. What are your thoughts on this?
I process my emotions as quickly as possible. I've made it in to an art form. I have literally three different professionals, my therapist, my coach and my eft-therapist, that i turn to. Also my family, friends, meditation and psychedelics. On top of distracting myself with work, working out and hobbies.
I'll have you processed and out of the system in a month or two no matter how badly you fucked me over.
You've got it down to a science
Like i can give you a f'ing step-by-step guide to the process. That's how much practice i've had. The end is literally the part of a relationship i am most comfortable with.
Can you give me the step by step guide haha….dying over here. Month 4 of separation after a 13 year marriage. It hurts like crazy still.
Find stuff to throw yourself at. Exercise and diet, dial it in. Start working out every day. 1 hour walks, at least 10 000 steps. Heavy strength training. If you are a noob, start something like 5x5 Stronglifts. If you do not do this part you can skip all the other parts too, this is the most important part.
If you have a job that you can throw yourself at, do it.
No alcohol. Only use weed if it helps introspection, don't use it if you use it to numb out.
Talk to everyone you can. Do therapy.
Study traditional stoicism.
This is not actually my own step-by-step process, but it is an outline you can start with in order to find your own.
Lost me at weed lol
Of course men process their emotions. Sure, traditional gender roles have an influence and women are perhaps on average more adapt at managing emotions, especially in some societies, but we are not different species. You need to consume different media.
Mhmm and I acknowledge that it is an incorrect misconception but it is true that men process differently. I'm just here to explore the different perspectives
Never had a bad breakup, all mutual. However I have experienced couple of rejection and friendzones that are worse. We ususally just find a way to not think about it. Most man are more emotionaly invested than you think, they just doesn't show it, bcause they don't want it to hinder their work and affect others around them. I'd say most man will cope in a somewhat the same way. Overwork yourself and going to the gym. I'd say it's quite good and effiecient as if you're doing something productive and at the same time you won't have the time to drown in your emotions. Work > gym > sleep > repeat. Works everytime until you find your new source of happiness.
It's similar. We also need tissues.
I've been through tears and denial. Grief and loneliness. My recent ex is going through a midlife crisis and I don't know if that's one of the reasons he thinks he doesn't want to be with me and his process seems to be not thinking in to it at all
A young man going through a breakup is completely different from an older man going through the same thing.
We learn with age how to deal with loss, and we learn that it's never "the end of the world" when a relationship ends.
By the time I hit 30, I got pretty good at moving on.
I remember how hard it was for me as a teen and in my early 20s. Now that im mid 30s I seem to process bad things really fast.
Here is mine. My ex-wife left me a decade ago. She got married again and have a new baby. It took me 8 years to get over the grief phase but somewhere inside it still hurts. Never had something after her and probably won't but she planned her next move months before leaving me.
My self esteem is tied to other people’s opinions of me, whether it’s what they’ve told me or what I make up in my head when I’m not sure. I need to be liked. So when I get rejected in any fashion it is devastating to me and can mess with me for months or even years to a degree
I was never the type of guy to go back for second and third rounds. If we were done, we were done. Cut off contact cold turkey. Once you break up you break up again typically.
That being said that’s akin to someone dying. Got to stay away from drugs cause that makes things worse.
It depends on the person. Men can be very emotional too, though we'll often suppress tears in public except maybe for sudden deaths of loved ones.
We often bottle emotions up because the environment may be hostile to us processing emotions in a more natural, more organic way, especially showing them externally, especially showing them around women or children.
With women, this mostly matters if that's your wife or gf; otherwise they'll likely to be supportive, but SOs often can't unsee the sight of you being weak or 'weak' and that's often something they don't like, though they might not know in advance. So they keep saying men should open up about their feelings more, but when we do open up, suddenly there's the realization that she's creeped out by it. This is something many men notice, and we are exasperated by how women seem to lack the self-awareness to predict this, because it seems to us like something that should be easy to predict.
Specifically regarding break-ups, I used to think/fee that women actually process them more easily than men on an emotional level and just care less. This can depend on how emotional, sensitive, sentimental or just touchy-feely a person is individually rather than their sex. I've heard a reputed therapist say women seem to care less about their partners than men do. My own experience kind of seems to confirm that women have a lower regard for men than men for women, attraction seems to be lower also than vice versa, so a man is easier to let go of than a woman, unless maybe the man is criticially depended on for a living.
On the other hand, I see women are sometimes hurt by break-ups too, and of course they are hurt by rejection, and sometimes they obsess.
Perhaps this depends on who is breaking up with whom. This may be the crucial distinction that everybody is missing — the distinction should be not about man vs woman but 'breaker' vs 'breakee'. The person breaking up will still be hurt, but the person being broken up with, especially all of a sudden, without any prior warning, taken by surprise, will experience a shock and will be hurt all the more severely.
Good point about the dumper vs dumpee. It of course sucks more for the one getting rejected. However I hope you know that not all women find displaying emotions a sign of weakness in men. I have seen my friends cry and I just want to give them a hug. The only thing that's difficult for me is if men display big shows of anger. That's just a bit scarier for me because of my childhood trauma issues.
Thank you. Well, I think men displaying emotions is sometimes not problematic if that's a son, friend, uncle, nephew or some other kind of relative but not husband, similarly to how also preferably not father out of all people. This does put husbands in the same basket with fathers, perhaps explaining a thing or two about how some people view marriage — husband as a sort of dad to his wife, which is something that causes a strong aversion in me because to me a parent or child figure is someone you don't or shouldn't want to sleep with, and if a person seems to be (acts) mentally, even emotionally, below the age of consent or marriage age, like below 16, for example, at 13 y.o. level, then obviously that evokes associations with statutory rape. Who would want to sleep with someone who can't form consent on an adult level, at least 18, at the very least 16 years (if emotionally there but intellectually a bit older)?
Men putting up big shows of uncontrolled anger is something I don't like either as a man myself (a bit of a childhood trauma too), but that sometimes seem to be somewhat expected. It sometimes seems that an angry, stern and generally not so nice demeanour and way of being is somehow expected of a husband or boyfriend, even though he's also going to be criticized for it — but if he didn't show it, he wouldn't register sexually as a man or at least wouldn't be able to elicit attraction. By contrast, a man who is nice, kind and meek, although he is going to be praised as the ideal boyfriend or husband, is actually not going to be wanted as a husband or boyfriend because his meekness and easy emotionally accessibility and warmth is going to deprive him of the much-desired male mystique linked to the ability to be scary, intimidating, somewhat mean, somewhat unpredictable, dangerous and hopefully on the woman's side, as obviously more likely to come out the victor from a physical altercation with the former man (who is wanted as a friend but not as a husband or boyfriend).
This makes evolutionary sense, but it's kinda sad in a civilized society.
Call me a fortunate outlier, then. I’ve been married, happily, for twenty years, and wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been emotionally available. People let the plumbing get in the way of understanding humans, being. I’m prideful about being patient and kind.
Men handle it on their own for the most part. Women from studies i have seen, have it more intense in the beginning. But get over it better than men. Men can steel feel it years after
They run through the promiscuous route. unfortunately, men are praised, women are shamed.. By I still think the time would be better spent going the stoic route and just focusing on yourself!
Denial and anger if I'm the dumpee. And that can take weeks or months to process, depending on the length of the relationship. If I'm the dumper then my mind was settled long before.
I don't think it's that gender specific. For me? Mental breakdown.
Yeah I bottled a lot up, not everything, but my ex wasn't able to process emotion either, after we ended I made a conscious decision to do the work on myself, it's been two and a half years and I'm only now starting to feel ready to date.
Therapy is hard work, I've found coming out of a good session I can feel like I've just been beaten up, it can sometimes take a couple of days to recover.
I recently had a serious breakthrough doing shadow work that fucked me up so badly I was on sick leave from work for almost a month. 😅.
My relationship was abusive, but the shadow work uncovered so much stuff it scared the shit out of me.
Unbelievable how much stuff you can have locked inside you. Scary to think about if I'm honest. I was so gungho with my attitude towards shadow work, didn't expect much, but when I got the breakthrough it was like a freight train hit me. Fucking wild!
Good for you for doing the work on yourself!! I'm proud of you :')
Thank you! ☺️ Once you start making progress you don't want to stop, despite knowing how difficult it can be. I've made so much progress in the past couple of years I can hardly believe it!
Onwards and upwards as they say. ☺️👍
Personally,
Currently going through this. I'm messed up
I isolate myself, I don't talk to anyone about it. I am constantly (like all day every day) thinking of her and the pain she has caused.
How do I process it? I just do what I need to do for the day. In my down time, I just get as high as possible and watch or play something then repeat the next day.
Music helps a lot too. Especially rap, rapping along gives a good feeling and is a nice distraction.
I'm trying to pick up drawing again too.
Time>Pain
I had nightmares for two years after my divorce. In my dream I’d wake up next to my wife and be relieved that the divorce was just a nightmare. Then I’d wake up for real, with her gone, and the despair would wash over me. No one knew I was taking it that badly, for so long. Stoic or not, we feel it
That's heartbreaking. I wish I could just give you a little hug :(
Cocaine and hookers
On my last breakup, I cried for 3 days, then tried to win her back for a full month, trying things I knew I didn't like but she did, just so I could show I could change (doing meditation, being more social and extroverted, etc.), all this while eating and sleeping very little and poorly. I then went to a stage of resignation and "f### this, I'm going to live my life", so flipped to something I've never done in my life and was totally against what I believed: casual sex, one night stands and not really caring about the future. I got lucky and, in the middle of that mess, I found a good woman whom I fell in love with and got my head back straight. Married that woman and had a beautiful boy. This all happened while I was living in a foreign country, with no family or friends around for support, so I was pretty lucky that I found my wife in the process, otherwise I would be very lost.
It was really hard at first. My last long term relationship ended after she cheated on me. For a long time after I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship. I started focusing on improving myself in any way possible. I felt I had to be the best version of myself. Some good came of it, but it wasn’t a good mind set to be stuck in.
To a man it’s a loss, to a woman it’s a victory. That’s just my perspective though. I’ve reached this assumption by observing people in real time, of my 29 years.
You feel an immense sense of relief, independence and regaining control of your life. Until the sadness hits in a few weeks.
Is this in the context of being the dumper?
Not only do guys bottle up their emotions but they also are generally less emotionally capable than women.
The same way that men judge women for their physical fitness, women judge men for their emotional fitness.
Emotionally alot of us men are just like that proverbial woman thats never spent a day in the gym that we make fun of.
We dont believe its necessary to hit the emotional gym. Consequently we are really pissed off about bad dating prospects and inability to handle breakups.
The comparisons in this comment are probably the most ground and realistic I’ve seen. The girl who’s never been to the gym = the guy who thinks emotions are dumb. Accurate.
You put it better than me.
From my perspective, and I’m not a guy so what do I know? Guys tend to go out and get drunk, flirt/hookup, hang with friends, feel free for a few weeks and then the sadness hits. Women tend to have the sadness first and then do the other stuff after awhile. Seems to be opposites.
only really had one big breakup - my ex wife. She cheated on me and I found out - First I was very angry, luckily for me and him, the guy ran pretty fast so I never got to do anything stupid. The next couple of weeks I was sad ofc, didnt really cry much, but just a feeling of depression. I drank like there was no tomorrow, and fucked around a bit with a couple of girls until I realized it was time to "man up", get over it, and carry on with life as best I could. All other breakups have ofc been sad, but its been a mutual decision without much drama were we have just realized we are not meant for each other.
Punch bag n drunk weekends? A few flings? They're just processed in different ways.
Not sure about process..but I can't move on , ever,even after years
Thugging them out
i bottle it up and wait until it gets better eventually
I've had breakups that devastated me, and breakups that I was thrilled about. I've had breakups that were difficult but relieving.
My most recent breakup was weird. I sort of felt it coming from a long way off, and I didn't want it to happen, but I saw no way to avoid it. I was disappointed, but mostly OK with it at first, but as time has gone on, I miss her more, and regret not trying harder to fix things. I think there was a period where we could have gotten back together, but I missed my window.
Feeling free for the first few nights. After a week. you'll have to be real drunk just to get a 4 hour sleep
We don’t have the support group that women have. Ladies usually group together to help their peers get over it in some sort of tribal defiance. Men are just left to be wallow on their own.
I think women tend to lean on each other for emotional support regularly so when big events like a break up happens we know just who we can go to for emotional support.
Bad because you are alone…. again, but also good because you have a little more money to spend on yourself instead of her.
We process them internally and maybe externally. But what we don’t do it’s process them socially or outwardly for the world to see.
Also depends on the breakup I’ve broken up and just walked away felt no hurt or sadness. I was checked out mentally a few months prior. Then a there’s been times where I fucked things up and I suffer in silence for a few months to a year.
I think like other comments have mentioned, men will bottle up emotions rather than face them, which can lead to them initially seeming to take the break up well but it also means it takes longer for them to move on from the break up. Just my two cents.
Was miserable and hopeless for some time, then some other girl walked by and noticed me - Done.
With 350 raw horse power.
3 months of heartache then I’m mostly over it. Dive back into my hobbies, enjoy the freedom. Eventually meet someone else and the whole exciting ride starts over again.
Once I figured out the above pattern I never worried about the possibility of a breakup because I knew I could handle it.
Thats how I feel! Depending on how long the relationship was I think that might affect me more but overall for shorter relationships I'm sad but I know that once I find my routine I'll be okay again. After you go through a few breakups you kind of figure out what you need to move on.
Sit down with a close friend say that it sucks and get drunk until you forget. Then fuck around until you forget. Then focus on things that matter work and the gym.
It depends with the right group of guys we process our emotions. My gunshop is known as the police hang out I was also an officer. I have a lounge area and lots of guys have had good talks on the couch and cried it out including me.
From work to relationship issues we had a solid group of guys giving support. It takes a lot of work to break down walls.
Outside of that group it’s be a normal guy.
Can answer this from recent breakup (3 months) after relationship of 9 years.
I don't really care much about social rules that men dont cry, its bullshit.
I did my fair share of crying to process the initial impact.
Talked with good friends about it (yes, also feelings) and processed as much as possible by talking it trough.
Then after some time life decided to throw a freak meeting my way and I met someone special, that certainly helped for final closure.
When my first gf and I separated (amicably after like 7 years, we were 19) I was a wreck for about 2 years. Didn't date, didn't hookup, didn't really do much other than meet new people and expand my friends group. I just was so lonely and couldn't make the first moves, because through my formative years I had never made any move except the first move once. So I really just didn't know how to buffer my emotions against possible rejection.
In private, a mess of emotions and pain.
In public, I’m doing okay.
I dislike the rhetoric that men are these sex pests beasts of human and women are these pretty little humans. It's not that way
Men often are shamed to death. Women have more of an ingroup bias and men have an outgroup bias. Basically women have more of a sisterhood than men have a brotherhood. The classic is that women can go out the same night of the breakup and fuck her "friends", the man if he is good and not one of the "bad-boys", is devastated and he has to rebuild. So a man processes breakups by building himself and doing stuff. Not forgetting or avoiding emotions, but it's not like anyone cares about the average man
If a man dares to open up, it's the usual "quit bitching and do something; man up; stop being an attention whore, etc". So actually it's far more difficult for a good man to process a breakup compared to women
I usually go through the “Depressive TV detective character” phase while listening to Come as you are.
Until I’m good enough for the cycle to repeat with another girl.
I've only experienced true love once. The breakup was extremely hard. I did cry and expressed my feelings to her. It took about a year to get over her. And I'd been married before. Those didn't hurt as bad.
Women approach it different. Long term relationships the woman checks out mentally, usually over 6 months. Then breaks up. The men usually have no clue this is happening, apart from getting a little cold shoulder from gf, but you guys change emotion daily, so we just accept it as usual. Then we can get the break up and it either destroys us, or if you have been unbearable, it is a relief. Men usually have no one to rely or lean on, as no one gives a shit. Then we go through the grieving process usually hitting the gym or bottle harder than ever.
They hold things in, and blow up at a later time.
Men are raised to suppress emotions. Women are raised to express them.
18 months later still building myself back up
Went through a very bad breakup, it bottomed me out - i learned to love myself tho, it wasn't easy and it took a long time, but it's everything to me now. Men aren't taught to love themselves, we're taught to be tough and stoic. That's BS. Happiness comes from within, other people can't make you happy (long term) if you aren't happy on your own, tough but necessary lesson.
That really depends on so many variables that it’s hard to answer
Don’t feel like dating for a long while. Go let it out on the heavy bag. Think about where it went wrong or right. Eventually let it go and look to the future. Maybe grouse to a friend a bit or maybe not.
Crying and beers, video games and weights, tv and books. Inviting a random girl over, then laying lifelessly after she leaves.
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3d
Oof that sounds like such a toxic relationship. Sorry you went through that. However just want to say that I think you processed in a very healthy way! I hope you find the love you're looking for!
I usually have to take a long break between relationships. Like a year or more. Takes me a while to process the hurt and leftover attraction and love. I also don’t like bringing baggage into a new relationship. I don’t like hurting a woman I love with the memory of someone before her.
Most men I know become self destructive drugs alcohol some get into fights some want to drive too fast some attempt suicide some succeed
Most of the guys I know will lull over the fact they will never find anyone else and then years later they were right
The women I know aren't even phased by break ups they have them every couple of months and sometimes every couple weeks they process by hopping onto the guy they lined up while with the previous they are never single never alone their beds have never been empty
The only woman I've ever seen affected by heartbreak was my mother when she fell in love with a guy who wanted to focus on his career and asked her to wait which she did but years later and she was done waiting so she moved on to someone else but everytime she sees him she always talks about what could have been and gets a little teary eyed
I just got out of an 8 year relationship. knew I would have to keep myself busy. I dug deep and utilized the things I had to do when I first got sober 12 years ago.
It wasn’t really an emotional toll because the relationship had been over for a while; we were just together because we had been together for so long.
Sometimes I do miss her but I know we’re both better off and I do enjoy my new found freedom. I also think it would be much more difficult for me if I didn’t have my dog. She really is my best friend and I look forward to occupying my days off work with her in mind.
Buzz cut + gym usually does it lol.
im not sure if its a men thing or a me thing, but when i get into a relationship i also prepare for the eventual breakup. I do the same with pets, i know they will die sooner then me and so i decide beforehand if i want to deal with the grief of losing my pet and therefor the death hits less hard (i always do, i love my pets way too much)..
Coldplay and bed.
I got divorced from someone i was with for 7 years, who cheated on me, treated me like shit, who i abused, who put her own priorities before ours, who ridiculed me publicly, who to this day calls me fucking ugly and stupid etc. I am almost out of the woods, i moved out just over a year ago. I did some pretty 'down bad' stuff and pretty much came to the conclusion that my self esteem was and has been so damaged that now its a concious effort to make it function properly again. Making great strides but pretty fucked up for about a year. Processed it by spending money, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, therapy, hiking, playing music, reading, trying to be social. I was at a point where i swore women away for life but I am realizing that there will always the potential to be hurt just make the reward worth the risk.
I have a hypothesis that male-conscription throughout the ages has created not just a generational, but societal/civilisational PTSD. In wars, getting emotional can get you killed, so the veterans who come back having learned to bottle it up and only open the bottle with a whisky-chaser.
This has lead to many boys learning an unhealthy view of what it means to be a man and many girls with an unhealthy interest in men who behave like their fathers, which in turn creates an additional pressure for men to behave certain way in order to be an eligible batchelor.
If you allow me to anthropomorpise countries a bit, can countries have PTSD? Not the people living in the country, but the country itself.
It depends on the breakup. I’ve had breakups where I locked myself away and moped for weeks and I’ve had breakups where I felt relieved that it was over with. For the most part I think I’ve cried over my dog passing away and been more updated about that than any other breakups. Usually when a relationship ends for me it’s because it’s time.
Jumping into the next relationship, that’s how.
I think men are more reticent to express their feelings sometimes but feel things as strongly as we women do.
A little anger and a lot of depression. Granted all my past relationships ended when the person I was seeing confessed to cheating on me.
When my ex and I broke up a few years ago it hurt me, I started having unhealthy coping habits, drinks, sex and hanging with the wrong crowd then for a moment it clicked on me, the sex was soulless in comparison to my previous relationship so I stopped and started to improve myself went back to college, started going to the gym and got a better paying job, not gonna I miss her, she was a great human being but she thought me very important lessons that I still carry with me and I hope she is doing great. So bottomline a break up is what you make of it, some guys just fight through it but there's a lot of fuel to be used in it.
I'm a bit weird on this. After the break up, I'm usually on a bit of a downer like someone slightly out of it. The closest weekend I'd hire an escort for a lot of sex, the physical actions help me process everything away. I'm of the kind that decided to be happy single first before pursuing a relationship so when the breakup happens it only stings a bit.
When a friend I wasn't even close to died to covid, though, I was pretty much shellshocked for weeks, running life on autopilot while wondering about time left, mortality and all the usual existential bs
I think the quickest way is to find someone you trust to talk to who will validate how you’re feeling. As lots of the comments on here show, the problem men have is that you will almost alway be told, indirectly, that you should not have these feelings and the steps you need to be taking to get rid of them asap. If you listen to how girls share emotions it’s all about validation and then the moving on/processing occurs as a byproduct of the validation. I think as guys we think we will be stuck wallowing in our own self pity if we just validate each others feelings without offering a 5 step solution to ‘man up’ but that can lead to feelings getting stuck and it taking much longer to process imo.
The gym helps immensely.
I’m going to have to start working on my abs now.
Every single person deals with it in their own way, regardless of gender
I checked into therapy and did my hobbies for 5 months. Still processing but starting to be okay with seeing ppl
As someone not even dealing with a break up but a I gotta go, not well
The first 3 years are the worst
Five months post breakup here and I have really just bottled everything up on the surface. I was torn up and ended up going no contact with the girl. The breakup was amicable, but it really wasn’t something I wanted.
“Bottling it up” doesn’t mean I’ve moved on. I’ve simply put those emotions in a drawer and locked them up. I only hide those emotions on the surface to friends and family, but inside I still think about her every day, even if it’s more nostalgia these days instead of lingering feelings. Those five months were agonizing but it’s slowly getting better. I’m not “sad” about her anymore but I still miss her.
Five months after and family and friends are saying “you dating anyone yet?” and I just give a simple “no” but the reality is I’m not close to being ready. Maybe if someone magically pops up in life or a friend tries to set me up, but I’m not even remotely close to putting myself back out there.
Men suffer sufficiently more, at least from personal experience.
I guess it really matters how much you truly loved that person. If you didn't care to much about her then it's "oh well", but if you truly loved her, the world just crashed down on you. I couldn't even do my job for 3 months.
I wouldn't say I processed it, I think i just brute force faced it in a stupid way that allowed me to appear ok to people.
I acted fine, not bothered about the whole thing despite walking around with what felt like a constant adrenalin dump, angst and absurd levels of frustration that flipped into sheer doom emotions.
For the first week I would give my phone to my roommate every day after work, so I didn't text her, then I'd play video games, cry a lot, play more games, and eventually fall asleep. I didn't really speak to anyone and didn't let on I was suffering.
I had immediately deleted all social media except reddit and youtube so I was safe enough to use the laptop at home.
I worked late every night I could even when there was nothing to do I just wanted to be busy.
Then followed a period of way over the top gym workouts, I was trying to get rid of any and all energy I had but ended up just brutalizing my body. It did help me sleep a bit. I avoided alcohol completely as I was afraid I'd find a way to contact her or be contacted while drunk.
Took weeks to be OK and months to be back to myself.
I know people already say men don't really ever process their emotions
It's a lie. Simple as that. We talk to our homies
First days are bad.
Then you recover and live. But sometimes something reminds you of your ex, you throw punches to your door because you're angry that it ended that badly, and your door is left with a hole in it
True story, I can post a oic of that door
Was deployed when my gf decided to break up with me. Had no choice but to compartmentalize it because I still had a work center to run and a flight schedule to deal with. Eventually I became so busy that I didn’t have time deal with it. It’s been 2 years since. I’ve become physically stronger, advanced in rank, and am stationed in another country, and I still occasionally wonder why I wasn’t good enough. Oh well. It is what it is.
Sucks until you get used to the adjusted routine. Me, I used a bunch of alcohol and women to make the pain go away. It was a rough time
I remember being extremely extremely sad for months after the break up, I really thought she was the one and it was so unexpected. It eventually got better and I’m over her now but damn I was suffering in silence for over half a year. Not eating well, not sleeping well, crying at night, etc etc. I think the difference is that men don’t really tell people what’s going on (atleast from what I’ve experienced)
Depends on the relationship. Deep romantic connections are rare for a man. That’s not to say that men can’t have multiple good relationships or convenient relationships. A guy usually only has 1 to 2 partners that is HER and when HER leaves, that’s when the emotional processing and devastation occurs. It clearly doesn’t apply to all men but from my experience I’ve seen it many times including myself. I’ve been involved with two women I’d ripped the skin off my back for to keep them warm. The first one broke me on levels I never thought imaginable. The second one repaired me and we are still married. If she leaves, that’s it for me. I would’ve been fortunate to experience love twice.
The first one was really bad. Real psychological and physical symptoms. Waking up from nightmares. Severe depression combined with anger. This weird constant anxiety. Food lost its flavor. Took about 2 weeks for those symptoms to subside.
Gym
7 years later it hurts the same
My ex broke up with me about a month ago after a 1.5 year relationship. It was my first and it absolutely broke me. I still haven’t moved on. I love her still but she moved on before she even broke up with me.
It hurts. A lot.
For me it's terrible, what with the PTSD and add bullshit that complicates my thoughts.
One of my friends cried his heart out. Was really sad.
I go walking and talk to myself. I try to ground myself and let the emotions take over me. Happiness, sadness, doubt, and optimism. Its a roller coaster of emotions and i talk to anyone about it. I am not good at hiding my feelings so instead my face my emotions head on and i try to be kind to myself and just love myself. Time heals all wounds but feel everything and talk about it.
I always processed them by trying to get laid as quickly as possible, which with hindsight isn’t ideal, but I did end up meeting my wife from it so that was cool
Terribly. It kills me. I think people are different tho. I had a really fucked up childhood and it messed me up
Year and a half in and I still can't get over the sheer anger. But that was 20 years and 2 kids, your milage may vary. But I spent my entire adult life taking care of her, since her mom took off and she came to live with me and my family when I was still 16. I don't even know what to do with myself now, just trying to slowly improve my own situation and not spiral into depression and alcoholism. I think it's getting better, slowly, and with a lot of work and self reflection.
In my experience, they move on immediately and try to find another woman. There seems to be an inability or unwillingness to just be alone for awhile and process.
My own dad was remarried within months after a divorce from my mom to someone he had just met weeks after their divorce.
Time. Distance. Other people.
We go again
I'm going through it rn. We are amicable, yet somehow that makes it worse. Like we had this amazing connection and relationship for 5 years and now we're just done. It's hard to process. Part of me is thinking I feel a sense of relief and freedom, but the other part of me is terrified and sad that we are parting ways. Im extremely conflicted, and I feel like I change my mind every day on how I feel. I've got a good group of guys that support me so I can rely on them. I typically do bottle up my emotions, but I'm trying to express them, so I can move on in a healthy way.
It takes time and work but I think you really are moving in the right direction! Just remember that healing isn't linear and some days are going to be harder than others even when you think you've moved on.
men are human and so have emotions. how they express them or process them is cultural
For me it often was feeling guilty for being sad because it meant I had emotional needs. I don't know why but from being a young teenager up into my 30s, it always felt like my emotional needs were something to be ashamed of for having 😟
It's better now. I don't feel ashamed for it anymore in general. I still wonder why my life was so strongly dominated by this feeling..what it originated from, because it did such massive damage to myself for a long time.
Could be the way you were raised. If you were always taught and shown that these feelings were wrong and shameful then that's what would be embedded into your mind. Even as a female my father always made me feel wrong for crying. I stopped crying at all for almost 5 years. But boy when I finally released that emotional flood gate I started crying over every little thing haha. I think I'm finally more stable now
I think this varies more on attachment style than gender. I have more of an avoidant attachment style, so at the end of the day alone feels safe. I just had a breakup made official in the last 6 weeks, but clearly built up for six months. I am not enthusiastic about getting into another relationship, or even dating. That's the closest I've come to being "devastated" after a breakup. From what I hear, my most recent ex is less devastated than that, kinda ready to find her next ex and I think she leans avoidant.
For other guys, I've literally been the shoulder to cry on, or witnessed serious benders. I can't imagine feeling like that.
Never easy. Never get easier with age either. Broken hearted wondering around life, wondering if I'll be alone forever. Eventually it gets better.
Same as women. Ya get sad for a bit then move on
Depends on the relationship. With my first, when I was 21, I remember just being a bit sad, and that was it. My next I was in complete shock and ended up having a panic attack at work the next day. The day after, a friend said to come to their place, and I had an anxiety attack while driving and had to pull over until it subsided. The one after that didn’t affect me at all. I literally just got back to my life. The next, who I was married to for 14 years, also left me unaffected, but that was because I was so unhappy that I’d mentally checked out years before. My latest relationship left me feeling numb for weeks, but as soon as I heard she’d moved on, I ended up crying for 3 weeks solid because if she was able to move on that quickly, it means I didn’t mean that much to her, which was heartbreaking. The only reason I stopped crying was that it was getting too hard to do my job, so had to consciously suppress my emotions.
All differently, just like women.
Depression, feeling a bit hollow, end of the world. Crying can occur. Feeling no joy or just too exhausted to enjoy anything. Heart hurt in some weird fashion. Crippling anxiety. Especially when you were truly in love.
Less emotional if the emotions weren't all that invested in the relationship.
I varies, but men can sure as hell feel hurt from it. Lots of us do process our emotions. Bottling shit up is just dumb.
Though bottling the emotions with the bottle is fairly standard. Drown your sorrow in booze.
Depends. I'm unusual, in that it takes me a very long time to develop an emotional connection with a woman, at least 6-10 months. Most of my relationships fizzle out before then, since a lot of the gals I've dated have wanted to know where they stand with me much sooner (I don't fault them, I know I'm the odd one). In these instances, there's nothing to process. Routines get immediately changed, resources and time are reallocated, and life moves on that same day.
In the event there is an emotional connection, I've found it's one of very few things that causes me anxiety. However, I've learned that this nervous energy is terrific if I redirect it. I use it to hit the gym, to pick up hobbies, and to be extra productive with my personal projects. And I just carry on like that for a few months, until the nervous energy burns itself out. It's incredibly motivating while it's on. It honestly makes me wish I could develop more emotional connections to make more use of it.
Ohhh! It gets bottled then explodes!!! Once we find another woman or trend thru grief deep enough; we surface…. Or don’t
I hope you always surface
Men don’t have emotions so they don’t process break ups at all
If I ever split with my wife, I would 'bottle it up', in the sense that I wouldn't spend my days just crying about it. You can feel emotions without needing to express them which I think is a difference between men and women. Women tend to feel better if they express their emotions if they are upset by crying for example, but for men they generally prefer to not express their emotions. I don't think bottling up emotions is any issue at all unless you are unable to actually process them internally.
I've found that if for example I get absolutely furious about something and I am about to blow my top, I will remove myself from the situation and fume about it silently alone to prevent any further escalation. I generally tend to be back to normal the next day and if the issue that caused my anger still remains, I can come back to it without the emotional aspect affecting me and it'd be more productive. If I am incredibly upset about something, I may well cry, but I will keep it relatively brief and prefer to control it as much as possible because I believe that if you always let yourself express your emotions whenever you have them your ability to control them when you need to is diminished over time through lack of exercising it.
i am from Eastern Europe where we still more conservative but even here i have lots of male friends who are happy to share their emotions. men are capable to share their feelings absolutely in the same way as women. and yes, they also feel better after. the stigma stops them. and yes, bottle up the emotions can lead to lots of health issues. it is proven.
yes! stress related disorders is a very real thing. My mom definitely went through that. It was unrelated to break ups and stuff but she bottled up too many things and it really affected her health down at one point.
Hang out with my buddy’s have some barbecue and do other fun stuff and a lot of gym time
I've always had the "Well, that's over I guess" mentality and I move on within a month; it doesn't really matter how long the relationship lasted for.
It sucks, badly, and for a very long time. I still think about my exes now and then, and it’s been almost 13 years in my current relationship.
Screaming into the pillow, then putting one foot before the other.
Men that display suffering are shunned and despised.
What ive noticed is women move on way faster. My ex moved on before she even broke up with me and here I am 2 years later still feeling empty and like i’ll never find someone as perfect as she was
🏋️🍺🏋️♂️🥃✈️🛬🇹🇭👩❤️👨✈️🛬🇺🇸👰♀️🤵♂️👩❤️💋👨
Hahaha good answer
I was a little too proud of that comment😂
Grindr or my number is great for this one too
Break ups hurt.
Every one responds to a breakup by being hurt.
Based of what I've seen, men tend to focus on working out, alcohol/party abuse, not legal substances and work.
Women I've seen/heard of tend to sleep with A LOT of men, in addition to the party abuse, which kind of go together usually.
Simple I say “NEXT!” and get on a dating site and find an easy milf.
Women can fall in and out of love on a dime. Men tend to take longer but fall harder. Most people will feel the same way: inadequate. But from my observations, women will quickly jump into the first relationship they can because society makes them feel 100% useless if they're single.
i don’t know i just don’t think for a few months
There is no culture of bitterness or anger with men.
Newly single guys who are bitter or angry chose to feel that way. Yikes.
When my first wife left me suddenly, I eagerly dated. And dated. Thank you, first wife!
I stopped eating and lost 40 pounds. Can't say I recommend it, although there was a brief part in the middle where I looked kinda good.
I cannot and will not speak on behalf of other males or females. As for me, personally, I have emotional issues. So, typically I won't feel any kind of way to break-ups. Out of the 5 I had, I sometimes miss 1, but I mostly forget about her. It's just how my mind is. It's not my fault.
Get blacked out and cry for a couple nights. Be numb for a month. Then hit the gym
We never ever return to the cheery man we once were. There is forever a guardedness, even with extensive processing.
And the average man doesn’t even do that. They don’t fall apart, they dissolve.
Edit: in the short term I literally went to the hospital for fear of a heart attack. I couldn’t eat normally for a month. I was a zombie. In the long term I was exceptionally suicidal and hateful. The only thing that stopped me from hurting myself and others was what little humanity I had left.
Im sorry to hear that. Breakups affect us all differently and it definitely changes our mindset. I think that's why they say that no love compares to your first love. It was the most innocent one where you were the most open and giving. After the hurt and pain no other relationship is really the same.
I can attest that heartbreak physically hurts so much. I was having panic attacks after my worst break up. My chest felt so heavy and painful all the time. I hope one day you can find a love that you trust and feel secure enough to open up again :)
I usually see a prostitute afterwards to help me relax and forget.
Basically just shut down, trying to think positively, but spending time in bed sleeping most of the time. Until I get comfortable to try again. Last time it took me about 2 years to go back to dating.
Lots of ways, depending on the man and the culture he comes from.
Why do people on this sub insist on pretending vast groups made up of literal billions of people share a common thought process?
I handle it in private. We are human obviously.
I just had my last woman leave me for someone else a month ago. Couldn’t really tell because we were chilling in the car late night good vibes all around, then once the weekend was over it’s like a flip switched in her head.
Couldn’t say hi back, couldn’t talk to me, couldn’t even look at me for long. We never argued or had conflict so this made no sense. So I just sat back and watched and found her overjoyed whenever he came around.
It was my first time and it killed me for 3-4 weeks. I couldn’t sleep, I grew resentment, I hated waking up to this feeling. Being replaced, feeling so valuable just to be tossed away like trash, how did this even happen?
My best friend is “too busy” like he always fucking is, so I couldn’t go to anyone for support. I had to reconnect with family I haven’t seen in years just to get over this. And I’m glad I did.
I’ve since started my second job and spare no time for anymore bullshit. I’ve been getting more sleep, exercising more, earning more, and I’ve never been happier with this resolution
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