As an aro, why do you date?

I enjoy dating, but I don't enjoy relationships. Those two things are not the same for me.

I enjoy things like going on dates, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual), but none of those things are romantic to me. I want these things with multiple people and see myself as poly, so I opt for qpr with people that are more than platonic. But I absolutely need my independence. Can not stand the idea of sharing a room with someone or merging our finances together beyond any shared expenses.

I have to be super independent. Romantic relationships make me feel like I'm not a person the second there's a label put on it. (I understand for me a lot of that has to do with trauma, but I was never a romantic person in the first place).

Most people I date or if I imagine dating someone rn were/would be people who were still a bit more like friends to me, but not romantically. I’m not ace, so sexual activities definitely play a role in my relationships, and just having someone to cuddle with etc. I don’t do those things with friends, and I’m pretty committed to the people I date as I truly care for them. They’re special to me, like a best friend but with extra’s that most allo people would do in a relationship. If that feeling would be mutual, and we’re both monogamous, we’d just date.

I am too lazy for hookups and I enjoy caring about someone. I love them, in my own special way.

As an aroallo who first heard about aromanticism at age 40+, I was always raised to believe that you should have a romantic relationship in order to have sex and that having relationships was a "required" part of becoming an adult. I had a high sex drive as a teenager and young adult and having relationships was the obvious choice. In fact I thought it was the only acceptable choice. Internalised amatonormativity, basically.

I also feel very strong platonic and intellectual attraction and familial attraction, too. That adds up kind of like wanting to have a close, smart friend who's also a sex partner and a family member.

the last time i dated someone, its because i was forced by someone else. but now im just like 'romance ? relationships ? who ?' at the time when i was dating people i didnt identify as aromantic.

I date guys because i find them mentally compelling. My mind just says "dating this guy for like 4mo will be really fun". It's not traditionally romantic but it's still a lot of one on one time like museums, concerts and social events like that. Then after, my mind says "alright thats enough. We're friends who enjoyed each others time and have fond memories. Casual fucking is 100% on the table in the future"

Not once have i had any desire for something long term or somewhat resembling marriage

I dated a girl once. It got boring really quick. Never again will I date.

I kinda want to date because I want someone to hang out with and hold hands and cuddle with but it also means I'd have to kiss them which looks gross but I might have to get over it

I had a best friend who I'd do everything with and hold hands and cuddle but she has a boyfriend now so we can't do that anymore and I miss it. I realise if I want someone to do this with it would have to be a romantic partner :/

i consider myself lovequeer aro. i love my friends a lot and they mean a lot to me. i ended up dating one of my closest friends, and while i dont love him romantically, i still love him in other ways and i'm happy with him and he's happy with me. i'm still with him nearly four years later. i can still be emotionally intimate with someone in the absence of romantic attraction.

it doesn't work for everyone, and that's okay. but i'm personally very happy and satisfied in my relationship. i love and care abt my partner a lot, and my other close friends. if it makes him happy and i'm comfortable with it, then i'm happy to be in such a relationship with him :]

i have another aromantic friend who's dating someone and they said its for about the same reason.

I want a best friend I can live and sleep with. Dating seems like the best way to achieve that goal.

I enjoy flirting, cuddling and having someone I trust and can turn to if I need something

I only want sexual relationships where there's trust and commitment since I am unable to become attracted in that way to someone I consider a friend. I enjoy all forms of physical affection as well, though probably not to the same extent as allos. My personality is very nurturing so I love having someone to spoil.

For me it's like do you wanna kiss ok I don't mind but I need to consider you a friend a least a year, same rule to go to my house, basically I'm open if I know the person

I don't enjoy dating but I do enjoy partnership I don't know if that makes sense.. I'm in a fwb situation and it's going really well cause unlike dating there isn't a super big expectation of were together and only us, and I get casual sex out of it its pretty great.

I tried dating once, because I met someone ( also aroace) I just felt really emotionally connected to. They fucked me up so bad in the process that I will never try it a second time. I never felt the need to before. Should have stuck to it. Will never date again. ✌🏻

I identify as aro but have a high sex drive. So I date because I enjoy the companionship and physical intimacy of having a regular partner. Will we get married? Almost 100% guarantee that's gonna be a no. But I value his friendship and the benefits that come with it.

I’m demiromantic as in how I understand my romantic feelings is they’re not much and they come and they go and they’re very specific but when they show up they’re oh boy are they there

There's more to dating than romantic attraction and sometimes, a platonic relationship doesn't fill those needs. A Queer Platonic Relationship might for but those are significantly harder to come by opposed to romantic partners, especially if you're looking for a "boyfriend/girlfriend in everything but name" type of QPR.

A bit more depressing answer is that we live in an amatonormative society and sometimes having a relationship legally recognized by the government is the difference between getting to know where your loved ones are buried.

Romance, on it's own, is not love. It's the expectation of how one is supposed to act when they're in love, Who gets priority to your time, your energy and you as a person. This may sound dreadful to us being aromantic but romantic attraction compells people to prioritize their partner simply because they love them that much and adore them to the point of wanting to spend that much time with then. There's nothing wrong with this and it isn't inherently romantic but society tends to bundle these things in with having a romantic partner.

If you want to be treated like you're someone special to someone, you find a romantic partner. If you don't fit that style of love, you have a much harder time feeling special to someone. That's how amatonormativity works.

It's a unique kind of heartbreak to watch a friend drift away because they have a romantic partner and less free time on their hands.

As an aroallo I'm in a relationship for very NSFW reasons lol

It's a quite non traditional relationship and we're mostly long distance, so we meet up 2-3 times a month. This doesn't mean there's no connection tho, there must be a lot of trust for what we do and he knows things about me no one else knows.

But I wouldn't call him my boyfriend (yikes) not even a partner. I hate those words. And it's not even a FWB thing, cause we're not friends (yikes², I don't fuck my friends)

As a fairly romance averse aroace (questioning demi for either tho), it happened because I got close to partner pretty quickly, and he’s demi so we both weren’t actually into each other that way. We were really close emotionally tho and would cuddle and stuff and it just came up, so we decided to be committed to each other as people and not commit to be in a certain type of relationship. it’s hard to explain to others but yes we are in a relationship, no it isn’t what things “normally” look like, but yes we are on the same page (it’s kinda qpr-esque). many of our friends have been concerned or just confused but that’s just how it is lol

Aroallo here so there’s the sexual component that I prefer to have a someone with whom I can hook up with on a regular basis rather than having to hope I find someone willing to go to hook up with. I like to go to bed with friends rather than strangers

Plus I actually like dating. Dating someone outside your social group can introduce you to different parts of town that you would normally have no reason to go to and to different restaurants that you might not think of trying out.

When friends say “wow you really know some great places to go to” it’s always because someone took me there on a date

Sometimes the dates just drift off to nothing, sometimes they become friends sometimes they become another FWB 😊

I’m not really into booty calls so I like to do social things with people I regard as FWBs. It’s nice to go to a gallery opening or something like that rather than just going to bed. I usually get rid of those who see me as a just a bed fellow

Because of how broad a category the term "friends" can be used for. Sometimes friend just doesn't feel accurate enough to convey the level of trust and intimacy I have for certain people and how much they are and/or I want them to be involved in my life. Family works but within family there are also specific terms. And my queerplatonic partner, for example, does not feel like a sibling or any other familial term except the one that does fit is partner. They fulfill that role in my life even if the emotions aren't the same as a romantic partner. They're my platonic partner. Maybe this isn't quite what you meant because it's not a romantic relationship, but it's still a relationship. Although friendships are also relationships, though, so. We still call it platonic dating and they sometimes call me their girlfriend.

I like the idea of romance nd intimacy…. Just in.., occasional small doses… I’m aceflux aroflux to be fair…. In my head I just view romance different, it’s more like a symbiotic relationship to me and if one would be better off alone or with someone else I’d let them go, I don’t have a sense of needing them to be “mine” or whatever which I see with a lot of allo people

for three reasons: boredum, companionship, and usefully for when living together cause where I live the economy is messed up (nobody can afford to live alone)

plus I do feel sexual attraction and, as someone who is trans, rather to those acts with someone I trust

Companionship, a relationship that’s deeper than a friendship.

rent costs too much 🤷‍♂️

I feel the ick whenever 'date' and me are put on the same sentence, but I personally would like to in the future have someone I could call a partner. Someone I could care for and be cared about and who would put me amongst their top priorities. It'd be a relationship, but without all the expectations of a romantic relationship. I'm a romance-neutral guy, so it's not like I'd have trouble engaging in some things that could be seen as romantic, as long as they knew it's not really a romantic thing for me or something that's natural to me. Like, I'd do it bcos it'd make them happy and seeing them happy makes me happy- but don't think it's something that's going to come for me naturally and that it's going to be often. Idk if I'm explaining it correctly 😂

Granted, idk how it'd turn out since the last (and only) time I tried a QPR things went bad because they thought it was friendship plus and not a committed relationship, but that's a communication issue more than anything.

Love the curiosity, but, I have only sated once, that is because I wanted to know what love feels like in a romantic environment. And yeah, I was not around at the time, but it also helped me feel less lonely

I am oriented Aro/Ace so both of those labels come with asterisks. I don't feel and have never felt romantic love for anyone however I can feel other types of attachment and care. Weaker than typical people but it's there. I don't experience physical attraction but I am sex neutral and can fuck. I just don't care to seek it out. The condition is that I only top and that it's with toys. I never want to receive or use my physical anatomy. So you can see that my identity is complex and a bit confusing for some. I prefer to be alone. Dating and even friendship is rare for me but not impossible

I currently have 2 partners and practice ENM. I never want to be someone's "everything" and the obsessive fascination some people gets to their partners puts me off. I operate best in BDSM relationships as it's intimacy from an angle that I can bond with better. Vanilla relationships don't work at all for me. I do call them partners. I do view it as a relationship. It's just far removed from the norm in every way

I wasn't aware of my romance aversion when I was dating, I thought all the stuff I out up with was just stuff I "had to put up with" in order to have a relationship. I liked some aspects like attention, support, familiarity, physical affection. I thought friendships had to be inherently shallow and that I could only have a meaningful relationship with a romantic partner.

That's before I knew I was aro tho, I'm romance averse and I really really don't want a partner.

Personally, it's because I mainly want more consistent support than I could get from a friend (typically).

I'm transgender and struggle with a couple of mental illnesses, and I've just found in my experience that having at least one partner to lean on consistently really does help me. Especially since my biggest struggle is social dysphoria, while dealing with living in a conservative state. Having partners who understand and respect my identity helps a lot. I've been single for the vast majority of my life so it's not like I think I can't function while not in relationships. It just improves my quality of life.

But also, I want to do the same thing for my partners! I want them to feel like I'm a safe haven for them, who will be there whenever they need me.

Any relationship I enter is understood to be a queerplatonic relationship, bc I find that full-on romantic relationships are too much for me. I tend to date polyamorous people for this reason, bc I find that it's easier to find QPPs in that dynamic. I'm currently dating a QPP who I care for very much, and I'm kind of thinking that I might be developing actual romantic feelings for them. But I'm still not quite sure yet. We'll see. The strongest feelings I've felt to this point could really only be labeled alterous. Even if I am developing true romantic feelings, I'm confident in saying that I'd be happy continuing our current alterous dynamic.

I id as aro where the “little romantic attraction” is concerned because I almost never fall for anyone, turning 20 in a month and only ever fell in love twice, cannot causally date, can’t date someone unless I’ve known them for at least a year. casual dating is entirely alien to me and sounds scary. now to answer the question, it sounds like you’re on the “romance-repulsed” end of the spectrum which is okay! :•) I’m on the romance-enthused end. the relationships I did have were nice while they lasted, I like being in love, but sadly I have yet to meet someone who truly matches my personal values and needs (cheated on by both of them because I’m aroace and autistic lol it’s very complicated)

Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/jennareiko. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules.

If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules, report it to the moderators!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I personally don't get it, isn't this just friendship with a label? Saying you've gone "the extra step" when you never actually moved? Like good for these people for being willing enough to say it let alone do it but This just sounds like that movie I saw where the lesbian protags kissed on the mouth after one of them said "I love you" and the narrator was like "look at that friendship!" but without the kissing so I have no idea how to tackle this.

I identify as grayromantic, actually considering the possibility of demi as well though, but I've been labeling myself as gray for the last few years, so I'll stick with that. I enjoy the partnership and support in every way I get when in a relationship. Unfortunately, I've not found romantic interest in 6 years and counting, and I go through phases of very much missing the experience. Everything is more exciting when I have feelings and I look forward to coming home to someone who I'm excited to share my day with and who will be genuinely interested in what I have to say and share.

You mean a qpr or like romance? I mean aromantic is a spectrum- as for a qpr, idk, it seemed appealing. Just putting a label on the bond i had with my at the time partner. We scrapped the label due to confusion on both sides but no lost feelings :/