Married to a Christian. What could go wrong?

Question

I’m recently married to a Christian woman and I’m agnostic. I grew up in church so the moral and values taught have stuck with me but I’m more open and doubtful to there being anything more than the world we live in.

During dating our lives have been quite separate and have done what we like to do but now that we’re married, the reality of how she wants the household and kids to be raised has me wondering ways of how best to navigate this. Does anyone here have a religious partner? How do you cope with the differences?

in agnosticby Regular_Jelly_3859

85%

xvszero

160

You're kind of supposed to discuss this stuff before getting married.

Regular_Jelly_3859

We did and I was initially ok with it but over time, my position has changed.

ImJustAreallyDumbGuy

I feel bad for her. What are y'all disagreeing on?

BetterLobster3576

-29

Is she catholic because protestants would not marry non christians.

Arseinyoha

I know some pretty open-minded Protestants.

BetterLobster3576

-8

Who are they and which denomination?

destiny_duude

wow, what a creepy thing to ask

VelvetScone

That’s wildly intrusive and inappropriate.

Dapple_Dawn

It's Complicated

There are absolutely progressive protestant denominations, idk where you got that

badquoterfinger

Progressive in that they don’t believe in heaven and hell?

Dapple_Dawn

It's Complicated

No, progressive in that their politics lean toward changing systems to be more fair for all people. Though, the church I grew up in didn't believe in hell

badquoterfinger

Being fair for all people doesn’t mean much when it comes to marriage. Majority of Protestant religions, including progressive ones, believe in a hell, and that anyone not accepting Jesus as lord and savior will be damned eternally. So… yeah I don’t understand your original point

Dapple_Dawn

It's Complicated

I kinda doubt anybody who believes that is particularly progressive.

BetterLobster3576

-5

Im from puerto rico US territory protestants here would never marry a non christian some catholics would.

Dapple_Dawn

It's Complicated

"Protestant" is an extremely broad category

Regular_Jelly_3859

Protestant. Yeah, she knew she was going against the grain by being with me.

BetterLobster3576

-2

Lucky man

xvszero

Lots of them do?

fluffy_assassins

When I married my wife she was still protestant and I was an atheist. We've been married 10 years, no problem.

BetterLobster3576

Interesting, you are a lucky man.

fluffy_assassins

Very.

zombiedinocorn

I think that depends on the denomination. Even Catholics have doctrine saying you're not supposed to marry outside the faith, but it's just not enforced how it used to be

stressedthrowaway9

This is a very huge assumption… plus, there are tons of different types of protestant religions… you can’t group them all together!

Joalguke

Protestants are very diverse, so blanket statements are unlikely to be true.

lilmeeper

Hahaha 🤣whatever

NewbombTurk

I'll take "Questions to Ask Before You Get Married" for $500, Alex.

Substantial_Post_237

I’m agnostic, married to a mormon (7years)… go figure 🤣 but we made it work. Our pros are that we don’t want kids, he already has two from a previous marriage so IDGAF about how to raise children, that won’t be a problem. He also doesn’t push his religion down my throat. He respects what I believe and I respect his as well, I like the positive things he has because of his faith (no drinking, being charitable and kind)so it’s good for me too. We are both very chill but I also have a very strong stance in my beliefs (or lack of) and that is the key. He knows I am not a convert project for him. It all comes down to how strict and pushy either of you are, and how much you respect each other. Edit to add, we knew about our beliefs before we got married so we both knew what to expect

Regular_Jelly_3859

So she wants kids and wants to raise them in what she believes. I was initially ok with that but now I’m more for having kids that are open minded and choose to believe because they want to and not because their parents force them to.

HelonMead

My wife is Catholic, and I am agnostic. We have been together for over 20 years. We had a Catholic wedding—found the right priest who accepted my way of thinking. The kids were baptized, which meant nothing to me but a lot to my wife. They have received many services from the church.

However, I have been spending quality time with them, teaching critical thinking, acceptance, skepticism, various sciences, philosophy and discussing the problems and positive things of myths beliefs churches and religions. Guess what? My teenage kids are agnostics just like me.

BlakeAdam

Sounds like this is a discussion about teaching your kids. Something to discuss with your partner. Being agnostic still means you have beliefs and they have a place in your family.

Substantial_Post_237

I was raised like how you describe you would like your kids to be raised, and I appreciate my parents never forced me. But maybe you can find a common ground, a middle point where she teaches her beliefs and you also talk about what you belief and you both agree to let them make their minds about it when they are old enough and never force it?

ReallyTracyQ

Talk with your wife. Explain to her that you want to also teach your children about your beliefs and see if she’s as open to yours as you are to hers. She may be fine with you not believing but draw the line when it comes to her children.

Sparkletail

Well she can't stop them having a choice in it. They'll see the way you live and the way she lives and make thir choice. I'm presuming you didn't sign up to brainwash your own children. They need to get a choice in whether they go to church or not and if they doesn't want them to have one, you probably shouldn't be with her full stop.

TaleofTwoHovels

I'm thinking that the trick is honesty: tell her that kids tend to push against what their parents believe as a natural instinct, which there are countless examples of, especially in this day and age with access to outside information like internet.

Ironically, by raising them to be critical thinkers and value thoughtfulness and respect, rather than unrestricted dogma, they might actually choose to be religious because you set a healthy example.

The alternative is brainwashing them. They might be christian until 25 but, like me, there is a very high chance that they realize they were brainwashed, and end up fucking hating you. I don't even hate God, I wish him and Jesus and those cozy answers were true, but I'm definitely no church boy anymore.

So she has to ask herself if she wants a picture perfect family that eventually falls apart, or children who authentically believe in what they say they believe, which could end up being Christianity! Those who seek, find, right? So teach them to seek, rather than to simply say "yes pastor, yes Sunday school, yes church" without a single braincell involved.

mossmillk

I don’t get it, if you’re not married in the Mormon church and he doesn’t believe you digs won’t be together forever in the afterlife …. Invalidates a lot of the Mormon faith and lifestyle (exmo here)

Substantial_Post_237

I know, and he says he will baptize me after death and since I don’t believe in that, he can do whatever 🤣 he understands I choose not to believe that and he can walk away and marry another mormon like he did before if he needs to be with someone for “eternity“. He is even president of elders or something like that (not sure the exact name) but surely we are not the first and only mixed beliefs marriage. Larry King’s for example, and it worked for them too. It’s a matter of the mind really. As I said, it depends on how strict each person is about their religion. Not all mormons are straight as an arrow either, I have gotten to know many who drink coffee or alcohol and know it’s against their covenants, but who am I to judge how they live their faith?

voidcrack

I think you'll be fine. Think of how many people went to church and came out feeling lukewarm or indifferent to it rather than embracing it. On top of that there are always posts here from people saying they don't like church but enjoy the community aspect.

If I were you I'd do that. Have your family join up and participate in the little bake sales. Have your kids befriend other kids and buildup their network early. If it gets to be too much you can be the voice of reason. Or just be the cool parent and if you notice that they're not into religion then you can be the one who makes them feel comfortable should they want to leave or ask hard questions.

Regular_Jelly_3859

Thank you. Very helpful

Ibarf_Freezerbunnies

Agnostic

I'm agnostic (F), My husband is in what's considered a high-control group. I'm smart enough to understand why he believes what he does, but wise enough to NEVER want to be baptized into it. Throughout our time together, I've always let my skepticism be known. So he knows what he signed up for and we both chose to love each other, because we're best friends despite it all. We have 2 kids already as for raising them. Fortunately, that's mostly left to me, so ofc I'm not gonna force nothing on them. When they get older, what they choose to believe will be on them.

bsknuckles

The best time to discuss these things was before you got married. The second best time is now.

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years and she’s always been somewhat of a Christian and I’ve ranged from atheist to agnostic in that time.

We discussed this early on and it is something we still discuss frequently just because of how deeply rooted religion can become. Her entire family is Christian and most of mine is, so any holidays together are often accompanied by group prayer before meals (as an example).

The best part of finding my way to agnosticism over atheism has been a shift in how I feel towards other beliefs. I used to resent them or outright hate them which made interacting with Christian’s difficult. Now, I understand that it’s ok for them to believe whatever they want and I can exist in their environment and respect it for the benefits it provides for them (a sense of purpose, a reassurance about death, etc.).

You’re going to need to be open and communicative with your wife about the logistics of this. It can totally work though. Just try to have an open mind and remember that agnosticism isn’t necessarily anti-anything else.

Regular_Jelly_3859

Thanks. Very helpful

Known-Delay7227

My wife is Christian and was pretty hardcore when we started dating. Over time I laid out my reasoning for being agnostic and I think she’s now leaning towards my side. We have a 6 year old who has been to church once for a funeral mass (my side of the family is Catholic) and thought the whole up and down thing was funny. The kid also fucks around when my inlaws pray before meals and I think it’s hilarious. I think my wife does too because she never punishes my kid afterwards. When my kid asks about the concept of Jesus and why it doesn’t make sense I think that tends to hot a switch of reasoning in my wife’s mind. Just be honest and explain why you are agnostic. Being agnostic makes way more sense to a person who can reason than flat out believing in all of Christianity’s wacky tenants.

ystavallinen

Agnostic & Ignostic / X-tian & Jewish affiliate

every couple is different. respecting boundaries, communication, and agreement about kids are key.

Zestyclose-Bag8790

I was married as a true blue believing Mormon. After many years of marriage I had crushing cognitive dissonance. My wife was a believer and it was difficult. We saw a therapist who had experience helping people with faith transitions.

It was a strain, and over time we have both come to respect each others beliefs. I personally found Jonathon Haidt’s book “The Righteous Mind” to be helpful.

It was painful knowing that former friends hoped my marriage (and life) would fail, because I no longer believed as they do.

I was lucky. My wife agreed that if “god” wanted our children to believe certain things and do certain things they deserved to have their prayers answered. We both agreed that some religious leader saying “god told me to tell you to do as I say” is unacceptable.

Regular_Jelly_3859

Thanks. I’ll look up the book. We try not to involve our friends. Most her friends don’t even know I’m agnostic but just not interested in going to church anymore.

PNW_Uncle_Iroh

I would get to marriage counseling and have the hard conversations early. Many Christian women have specific expectations of gender roles and you need to navigate those. They may also change over time. Christian women’s group can be increasibly toxic. For example my ex wife was very involved in a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers group) where all they did was complain about their husbands and glorify traditional gender roles.

After she joined these groups she refused to go back to work because “God called her to be a SAHM”.

When we divorced, her Christian community rallied around her and helped her get majority custody of the kids because “women are designed by God to be the primary caregiver” and get a significant alimony payment because “men are designed by God to work and support their children and wives”.

Please be careful and get on the same page before you have kids or she stops working.

Prestigious_Resist95

Yes, I am in one and to be kind I will just say it is very difficult.

lilmeeper

I’m spiritual with a Christian husband. We believe something

Dapple_Dawn

It's Complicated

Talk to her about it.

Lumpy_Lawfulness_

Depends on how religious they get. They’ll try to convert you. That will strain your relationship especially if you have children.

zombiedinocorn

Idk if I can be really help with your marriage but I can tell you as someone who was raised Catholic and became agnostic that there are a lot of incredibly toxic but subtle beliefs they teach you and start teaching you young. I'm still finding leftover toxic beliefs 15yrs after leaving that I have to stop and process. Not as many as when I first left, but still enough to be annoying. Most of it run of the mill mysogny, purity culture, homophobia, etc etc

You maybe able to be there as a counterpoint to your wife and the church, but you are still only 1 person. Depending on how active your wife wants your kids to be in the religious community, they will be surrounded by people pushing religious indoctrination and toxic messaging on them. Even if they grow up to be agnostic or more critical thinking based, that doesn't mean that they will necessarily escape unscathed from religious trauma or not absorb toxic beliefs.

If you want to stay with your wife, then you need to find out how active she wants them to be, where she stands on different toxic doctrines, and how she plans to counter them. Also, is she or will she expect you to lie to your kids and say you're religious as well so you have a united front?

You need to determine if this is something she is willing to compromise on or if she's considers it her way only. This could be a deal breaker if she suddenly starts changing what her expectations are.

Bubbly_Individual_12

My husband is agnostic. I was a very faithful and God-fearing woman 10 years ago when we married. Within the past year, my views have completely changed.

My middle son has gone through substantial health issues, and that mustard seed of faith, I just KNEW that faith would kick in eventually. I waited 7 long years. Praying, pleading, begging, trying to compromise, crying, trying to be more God-like.

My son never got better. He was diagnosed with an intellectual disability a year ago. He will never get better. He got worse.

And just like that, I got bitter and angry. I'd been duped.

The point of all that is to say...she may be a believer today, but in time, she may not be.

zombiedinocorn

Isn't conversion dating a thing? Like where some of the more extreme cults pretend to be agnostic or atheist so they can bring one if the "lost souls" into the fold and then pressure them to convert over time?

Not saying this was your wife's plan, but I'd be suspicious

Joalguke

My husband is Agnostic Christian, because he was open to listening to philosophical and theological discussion.

I think you need to talk about it, as much as you can, but with great respect to each other's viewpoint.

EternalII

If you're really Agnostic, then I think it shouldn't bother you that much. So what if you practice it with her if it makes her happy? If God exists, you're set. If God doesn't exist, your wife is still happy. So what's the issue?

What exactly bothers you here?

KungPaoDoge

Read into Ufology, most world religions are UFO contact religions. Read Jacques Vallee, I use to be very atheist but after reading into Ufology I’ve become more understanding and respectful towards religion. There’s a book by Jacques called Dimensions a casebook for alien contact. If you don’t believe in UFOs then I recommend reading a book called UFOs and Nukes by Robert Hastings. They are a very real phenomenon. This phenomenon is the bridge that will bring together Science and Religion as it perfectly explains paranormal religious encounters in a scientific way. If I were you I’d research this topic and try to convince your wife she’s basically in a UFO religion without her realizing it.

Two YouTube Channels I recommend: Red Panda Koala Jesse Michels

Both Make Very High Quality UFO documentaries.