Why I don’t like being compared to his wife

🌬️Ventilation💨

I have to get this off my chest after two glasses of wine.

My AP has said a couple of times that he thinks I’m much hotter than his wife. His dumb man brain probably thought it was a compliment and I would love to hear that. WRONG

PSA to the men of adultery: women do not want to be compared to your wives.

Why? Even if it’s a favorable comparison? Because I’m a supplement to your life. If you are comparing us, guess what? I lose. I’m not your life partner, the mother of your children, the person who knows all your friends and family. Direct comparisons burst the adultery bubble and make me feel like a cheap whore.

in adulteryby TalkRefined

102

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Son_of_Riffdog

PSA to the men of adultery: women do not want to be compared to your wives.

(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ so compare them to your moms..they love that even more!

hotcoffeencream

Just as long as you don’t compare me to your dental hygienist and their perfect teeth. I know I don’t floss enough 😭

NREIsAHellOfADrug

Always go to the dental hygienist with the messed-up teeth, because they're the ones who helped the dental hygienist on the other side of town get their perfect smile.

sndy80fun

I think you are reasonable and I agree but a lot of posts on here would make me think a lot of women do want to hear this.

I think there's two types. The ones who know the reality of the situation and are not in a competion with the wife and then there's the opposite of that.

kinkva

Yeah, I think I've read more messages on here of APs that are jealous of the wife than otherwise. BUT those are the ones you have to be really careful of. They're not compartmentalizing well and they could end up ruining your life.

sndy80fun

Exactly. And they are the ones who are wondering why he is doing the slow fade.

hotcoffeencream

This will make my beautiful flower dry up like a potpourri satchel. Pass!

User deleted comment

hotcoffeencream

Pass that wacky tabacky to the left hand side 💨

anonmouseqbm

I’m glad you said this bc I thought they were saying they had a vag and were calling it a fat bowl of electric lettuce 😅

ipreferpetdogs

Maybe his wife likes it when he tells her about your flaws so he just assumed…

kate_86f

poor wife...

TalkRefined

I agree! It is a terrible thing for him to disrespect his wife like that. That’s what bothered me about it first, but then after thinking more about it, I realized it bothered me because of how it made me feel as well.

User deleted comment

TalkRefined

I should have said an additional layer of disrespect. Insult to injury. I don’t discuss my husband at all with my AP. I have my justifications for doing this, but I know it’s selfish, a choice, etc. I wouldn’t want to disrespect him further by disparaging him to someone I was sleeping with behind his back.

XX-Difference339

I ran into mine at the grocery store with his wife, I had never seen her before and I just got up and got TF out of there. He saw me a couple days later and said he saw me but implied that I didn’t need to get up and leave because she doesn’t know who I am- she’s never seen pics or whatever…. And I couldn’t believe it- I mean OBVIOUSLY sticking his dick in me is disrespectful, but to have zero shame about bumping in to each other in public?

It totally landed wrong with me and I ended things. It was like the perfectly clear moment that this was not what I wanted to be doing, and it was fairly easy to let go.

kate_86f

well mine was like" l don't give a f** if we meet in public because l trust you and l know you wouldn’t approach her..without any feelings about l could have felt or shame..that was the deal breaker.. he is not in my life anymore

XX-Difference339

Boy, bye. And good riddance. I hope you find better 🫶

throw-away2257

-8

I don’t think you can add an additional layer of disrespect 😂 true you shouldn’t be bringing up each others SO but I mean affairs are the biggest one so anything is kind of below that

Radiant_Guidance_700

False. When I found out my SO had spent most of our decade and a half relationship cheating, that sucked. But it was actually the mad shit he talked about me to get sympathy from his APs that felt like the real betrayal 🤷‍♀️

throw-away2257

Yo that’s fair thanks for giving me insight ☺️

CalmThrustChaos

Y’all don’t realize 75% it’s way more than sex. They fizzle out fast if only sex. So the husbands are missing much much more .

lane_of_london

But having sex with a married man does not bother you, but him saying you're hotter than his wife does

Glad_Kiwi_272

This would be a permaick for me. Nope.

TalkRefined

I told him I didn’t like the comparison, and he apologized immediately. I’m willing to forgive and forget but it bothered me enough to post, haha.

MustKnowTruth

We experience our human life as a series of lessons occurring in random order... endless opportunities to learn and modify one's own behavior. Many people will share in your opinions and views, and possibly behave just as you do... just not RIGHT NOW. Time / timing is really the only thing that makes us different.

(Translation: he likely agrees with you, and understands your feelings... He just wasn't in YOUR head space when he said what he said. Or did what he did.)

finickyguinea

Tell your mom I said hi

That’s not great.

Even if he’s not saying it out loud he’s comparing and contrasting in his head.

The comparison is favorable for now, but the minute you do something either just like his wife or “worse than” his wife he’s going to think it to himself.

oIl_Opal_Ilo

🪷 gAPing asshole 🪷

Disrespecting the spouse is a huge turn off.

At the end of the day, if your wife let herself go, there are emotional issues at the heart of that. Have some compassion and self awareness to see your role in it.

I want to be a good partner, a good listener, a good friend - a myriad of things way before hotter.

Why_so_serious0819

Yea….that’s not what “this thing of ours” is about. Venting about them and being there for each other is one thing but matter of fact direct comparisons is not the thing to do

GrouchyYoung

“Bursts the adultery bubble” is so fucking funny

Readyyes12

I had an AP that wanted to be told hot much better she was than my wife, it turned her on but I agree with you. That just didn't seat right with me. I admit indulged her a few times but I stopped.

Realizes_Things

I was offered to see a pic of wife’s ass… hard no there. He did it as an incentive for me to show mine, basically saying it would look better. It was ick on a few levels for me.

cant_find_faults

This is interesting, and it would be nice to hear some of the deeper thoughts about this.

experience-matters

This would be one of those times my experiences with women do not align with what the women on here are saying. I've had women want to know how they compare in some regard to my spouse, and I almost always get an unsolicited comment from women in comparison to their husband. I do think the original guys statement was crude. I also know that many of the women I spend time with are absolutely pissed at their husband's neglect and want to speak poorly of their spouse in a safe environment.

realityescape0420

I met up with AP yesterday. We did our thing and while he was dirty talking he told me to tell him that I was so much better than his wife at what we were doing. Honestly, it was a HUGE turn off for me. Like I know he has a wife. He knows I have a STBXH but its also one of those things we never talk about or bring up unless its in brief passing or to tell the other we are with our spouses. But yea, him having me saying I'm better than his wife just really is an ick to me!

No_Percentage9182

Congrats on the humblebrag post. It doesn’t speak well of him for saying this, but he knew you wanted to hear it.

TalkRefined

I didn’t mean it as a humblebrag. It was a big turn off and did not make me feel good. It took me awhile to figure out why.

cheekyk155

💯

OP you made a post about it…spouses should be brought up rarely. It sounds like they were comfortable discussing this with you.

TalkRefined

I agree. It’s our first affair, for both of us, so we are learning boundaries as we go. We don’t discuss spouses except in passing to explain our current circumstances (e.g., my husband is working late so I’m solo parenting tonight). My AP has never described what his wife looks like or her personality, and I only have a little insight into their relationship so I can understand basic motivations for an affair.

I think he got horny, wasn’t thinking, and blurted something out that he thought I would like to hear.

I’m an overthinker and like to reflect, so I needed to vent about this because it threw me off.

ohiophil

This is awful but he's probably trying to pay you a compliment and is failing miserably?

Why_so_serious0819

The only compliments I give are that he’s stupid for not giving them compliments….and then say what I would do

Ok-Pomegranate7660

Dumb man brain indeed.

But - have you told him this bothers you?

TalkRefined

The first time, I didn’t say anything. The second time, I told him I didn’t like the comparison and he apologized. I don’t expect he will do it again and we moved on in our conversation. After some wine tonight, I needed to write down why exactly it’s bothersome.

Conscious_Swan7224

Dumb brain do dumb things.

He probably thought he was complimenting you. It’s twisted logic but yeah..I do not want any comparison here…it’s the thief of joy!

I’d be like…Please don’t compare me to your wife and I won’t compare you to my husband. Natch

anyaagain

"You're hot as hell!" He didn't need to add the comparison, it's unnecessary and icky.

RevenueNo3543

Well, having sex with a married man kinda of unsavory thing.

nomnomyourpompoms

I get your point. Comparisons are bad form.

His dumb man brain

But can you imagine the response if I posted this comment about an AP? "Her dumb woman brain"...

You obviously despise this man. Let him go and find someone more perfect. 🙄

TalkRefined

-4

I don’t despise him at all. I adore him. I think all men can be a little dumb sometimes. It’s a gross generalization, but the women in my life have shown far superior emotional intelligence than the men, so it was a little dig to all mankind.

reignoferror00

Shown more emotion? sure. Emotional intelligence? not so much. I've let a lot of what I'd deemed as, at best, poorly chosen words slide for a little while; said something if it became a repeated occurrence. Over the top praising of something we both know isn't true/accurate about me is almost as annoying - that may be more of a me thing though.

nomnomyourpompoms

-3

Ah, okay. Misandry. Much better, thanks. 👍

la_bruja_del_84

Did you tell him that? Maybe have a conversation about it and set boundaries? Perhaps?

BigBlaisanGirl

I 100% agree with this. I still have one who doesn't seem to get that I don't want to freaking hear about her. At all.

"You do this better than her." "You do X, Y, Z and I live that! So much better than her!" "See, she would get mad about A, B, C but you're so much more reasonable!" "I love that you are so much better at this!"

👉 😵‍💫

MustKnowTruth

What you (OP) said is logical and true enough. So, you certainly have NEVER asked him: "Is my ass cuter than HERS?" (or any similar questions)

MakingMyEscape

The least terrible option

I've never been asked anything remotely like that in years of doing this. What an odd type of question.

fussyfella

Ageing Philanderer

Why do people (it works both ways) even do this beyond some minor conversational things? It just feels weird to mention my wife much at all to my AP, let alone to compare her.

palepale26

Interesting. I think men would like that comparison and to know that the ap is hotter than hubby

geocantor1067

I am curious, are you married as well? I am not judging.

karatepenis

-2

Kick him to the curb.