My sister never says what she wants, but gets annoyed if I don’t do the right thing. How much should I cater to her unspoken wants?

Emotional Regulation & Rejection Sensitivity

I’ve suffered lots from RSD over the years, and still do. I’ve managed to get to a point where I’m trying to be as true to myself as possible, at least in my personal life. Being constantly exhausted from my ADHD made me realize: I don’t have enough energy to always cater to others needs.

Me and my bf live very close to my sister and often hang out with her. When questions such as “what should we eat” comes up, if I do have a preference, I’ll state it and add that I can be flexible. My sister’s approach is to say “whatever you want”, even if she does have a strong preference. We’ve talked about it, and she has admitted that she struggles with voicing her preferences.

The other day a similar scenario came up. I stated what I preferred, and asked what she wanted. She dropped hints about what she wanted, but responded that it didn’t matter, so I opted for what I wanted since she wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I could tell that she was annoyed with my choice. My bf stated that I should’ve just chosen what I suspected she wanted, to make her happy, but I argued that it’s not fair to just expect me to read her mind and act accordingly. I don’t mind compromising, but I find it difficult to compromise when I’m the only one saying what I want. Yes you can communicate in other ways than just verbally, but the constant guessing game tends to worsen my RSD.

I want to be a good friend/sister, but I also don’t want to spend my energy on decoding her words so that I can guess how she’d like me to act. It can sometimes be difficult to tell when she truly means “whatever you want” or when she just doesn’t want to say what she actually thinks.

Have you been in a similar situation? How do you navigate this?

in adhdwomenby Mundane_Mixture_7541ADHD-C

85%

1mo

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Fredredphooey

1mo

If she can't articulate what she wants in full sentences, then don't react or try to anticipate her wants. She's not a baby, she needs to use her words.

Tell her that you're not going to guess anymore and if she doesn't say what she means, you're going to do what's best for you without considering her.

EatsTheLastSlice

1mo

I would not cater to her as it enables her behavior.

Tattedtail

1mo

Can you talk to her about why she struggled with voicing her preference? Like, have her preferences been routinely disregarded in the past? Has she gotten the message that she's too demanding?

Or is this a trend that's present in your wider family? Where people use hints and vague expressions to negotiate.

Also, how well do you know her preferences? Like, are you regularly picking food that you love but she hates? Or is it more like,

You: "I want pizza."

Sister [internal monologue]: Curses. OP doesn't know I've had pizza three times this week. My body will rebel against me if I have it one more time... But I can't disrespect my sister by rejecting her choice, the good she loves, the food... that poisons me. I can't show weakness!

Sister: "Sure, whatever you want is fine."

One thing to try is to stop having these "what do you want to eat?" conversations with her. Some things you can try instead:

Tell her at the start of the hangout (or before it starts) what you're having for dinner, and ask if she wants to join you.
Take turns picking a restaurant/cuisine. Let her know in advance that this is the new system, so she's not put on the spot. If she says "I don't care, whatever you want", say something like, "I want you to pick a restaurant, because it's your turn", or "I don't really care what we eat, but I want someone else to make a decision".
Eat a places with a range of cuisines? Food courts, buffets, family restaurants.
Stop eating together. Hang out for a few hours, then part ways and feed yourselves.

Mundane_Mixture_7541

ADHD-C

1mo

I would say that it’s a trend in my wider family. And I think the inner monologue is spot on. That’s why I feel so inconsiderate when I do what I want, because I know her being vague is often stemming from a type of anxiety/fear of confrontation. I want to help her deal with it, but I don’t know how. Right now it feels like doing what she’s hinting at enables the behavior, while going with what I want puts my feelings above hers.

Thank you for giving me recommendations of what to do. Thing is though, this behavior applies to EVERYTHING. What to eat, what activities to do, if I should take her dog for a walk or if she wants to do it. Even if she does take lots of decisions, I’ve found that the times she says “whatever works” is often when she has a preference, but feels it would inconvenience me to just tell me what she wants. I know friendships are give and take, and you sometimes need to do things for the other person even if it’s not what you want. I’m just struggling to find a balance of what that means when my sister is being vague.

Tattedtail

1mo

It's hard when it's a family thing, because the vague person can think that they ARE communicating clearly. Other people can understand what they mean when they give coded responses!

Can you try changing how you spend time with your sister?

I get the impression that you currently kind of just get together and THEN try to decide what to do. Could you instead figure out what you want to do, then invite her along? If she doesn't want to do the thing, she can not come/make an excuse. If she does want to do if, everyone wins! If she doesn't want to but comes over anyway... Well, that's her choice.

kittyspray

1mo

So happy to see people who are trying to see the sisters POV.

I struggle massively with verbalising my wants, needs, preferences, and when in this exact scenario with my partner, just end up telling my partner to pick somewhere.

In my case it is that I am worried that I will pick a type of food he doesn’t want or will be too hard on him with his digestive struggles.

I will literally beg him to pick the place and then we will figure out if we are sharing something or getting our own separate meals based on our individual needs.

It has taken years of trying to be able to say when asked where “I don’t mind, you pick a place and I will find something I can eat but could we not have Chinese tonight bc I’m really not feeling it”. I get crippled by indecision and the fear of what I actually want getting shot down so I almost never make a decision, it is just as frustrating to be unable to choose as it is to have someone never voice their choices.

Tattedtail

1mo

I think having conversations outside of the moment where you need to make a decision can help.

Like, would you feel comfortable telling your partner that you'd like to try [food place] sometime? If they seem keen, send them a link to the menu and ask them to check whether they can eat there.

Have some conversations about what food they like, what food you like, what foods either of you just can't eat.

Another thing you can try to do is become familiar with being shot down. I'm assuming your partner isn't mean about it? If they are, that's a whole other conversation.

But like... It's really healthy to be able to discuss and negotiate things in a relationship, and what to have for dinner is where a lot of couples start.

You mention worrying about whether your partner will like the food or whether he can eat it. In theory, you shouldn't have to worry about that, because he should just be able to tell you if you ask. There's nothing wrong with not being able to read someone else's mind.

LittleFirefIy

1mo

I am also someone who struggles to convey preferences, and while sometimes it’s because I’m having a big ol RSD moment and have decided the other person will shoot it down cruelly or worse, agree and then resent me for my choice because it’s not what they wanted - more often than not it’s actually just decision paralysis. When asked ‘what do you feel like eating?’ My brain panics and just yells ‘Everything? Nothing? What’s an acceptable food for this time of day? Do we like food? Do we even have a mouth??’. There’s just too many options and if I haven’t been actively thinking about it, I explode.

My partner started either asking what I dont want, which could help us narrow down acceptable options, or else would list 2-3 things he’d be happy eating, and I’d pick one from those. In the first case I could comfortably say ‘I’m happy with anything except XYZ’ and he’d know it’s truely just a ‘I don’t really mind’ situation. In the second case, I can practise voicing an opinion in a safe space, knowing that the options given are all acceptable.

It helped me start having an input in decisions slowly and it paved the way to resolving the mental blocks, without him feeling like I was resenting him for his choices or like he’s making all the decisions. Now I can confidently say ‘I’m really feeling XYZ, but if you don’t want that I can take whatever’.

I don’t know if it will help for your situation, if your sister really just wants you to read her mind you may be out of luck. If she’s struggling with RSD or Decision Paralysis, it might be an option if it’s a compromise you can come to terms with :)

Sati18

1mo

I love this answer. Offering two or three choices is such a good shout, and it's often way easier to tell what I don't want, than what I actually want. The process of elimination is a great strategy

Embarrassed-Farm-834

1mo

I had to go to therapy to learn this, so this is straight from my therapist:

If someone refuses to communicate that's a them issue, not a you (or anyone else) issue. As far as you're concerned, their verbal communication is the only thing you should take into account. It's not anyone else's job to observe them and try to decode their true thoughts through their behavior or tone of voice. If they want to be understood they will learn to communicate like an adult, with words.

Similar-Ad-6862

1mo

I'm someone who struggles to convey preferences because I have trauma. I also get easily overwhelmed. My fiancee encourages me to choose things and I'm slowly working on this.

We had a whole adult conversation about it though where she explained she was frustrated because she didn't want to choose all the time and I explained that I was frustrated because I was overwhelmed and afraid of choosing 'wrong'. Once we did this we could see where the other was coming from and come up with a plan to tackle it.

You shouldn't cater to your sister but I think you should have an adult conversation with her to see what is going on for her and see if there's a way to handle it. Or do other things together that aren't food.

Fianna9

1mo

My dad is like this, but he is emotionally abusive and has given me so much stress. I hate choosing out of fear I’ll choose wrong. But he demands I choose because he says he wants me too.

I have learned to either ask for some options, it’s easy when visiting to ask what some good options are.

Or I’ll list two or three and ask what they think. Hopefully she can get comfortable giving her say.

Because you shouldn’t have to cater to her, she has to learn to express herseld

Mabel_Waddles_BFF

1mo

Both my mother and mother in law do this (for very different reasons) I tend to ignore it because neither of them are interested in working on why they do this. It seems like your sister is aware this is something she has trouble with find this so maybe next time try ‘I’m sensing that you do have a preference, could you tell me what it is?’ If nudging her along a couple of times doesn’t help (don’t turn this into a constant guessing game every time you go out) then leave her to it. Giving people a hand up isn’t the worst but ultimately they need to be willing to work on their issues.

Mundane_Mixture_7541

ADHD-C

1mo

I like this phrasing a lot! Thanks!

cyclemam

1mo

Would writing it down help her?

fionsichord

1mo

You’ll have to be loving but firm that, unless she speaks a clear preference she hasn’t communicated her wants. And while you are very interested in her wants - which you clearly showed by a asking “what do you want?” and waiting for a clear answer- when she doesn’t provide one she has no grounds to get upset and behave as though you have deliberately wronged her.

She will probably put you through a few testing situations where she tries to punish you emotionally for not reading her mind, but stay calm and remind her you can’t read minds and she needs to get the strength together to actually say what she wants. If she can’t, she does NOT get to act out. Simple as that.

AntheaBrainhooke

1mo

Oh my darling. What a good sister you are!

Thing is, your sister needs to learn how to state a preference or she's going to live her life disappointed or annoyed that she doesn't get what she wants.

Dropping hints isn't working in this case — you don't hear them or have the energy to parse them. That's unlikely to change. I think counselling or therapy could really help your sister become more assertive, which could help her in a lot of ways — if it's hard to state a preference, she may also be finding it hard to establish boundaries, for instance.

Your sister is not wrong, bad, or broken, just like you aren't! I do think that with a bit of help your relationship with your sister, and her life in general, could be much happier and healthier than they are.

Status-Biscotti

1mo

Let her know that you need direct communication. If she says “whatever you want,” that’s what you’re going to do. It sounds like this is an ongoing thing with her.

That said, it wouldn’t hurt to listen to the queues sometimes and respond accordingly. IRL there are lots of people like her, so it’s good to get practice with the nuances.

CuriousApprentice

AuDHD

1mo

It seems that you both have issues with stating your wants, because of overthinking what will other person really want and then you end up sour (you because you feel you went against her, she because she didn't get what she wanted).

Obviously, your 'I don't care' really means that, while hers doesn't.

I had something similar with my husband. Took quite a while to convince him that I WILL state my preference when I have it, and also, that it's exhausting that I have to choose every time.

So, my advice would go to same route as another comment - take turns, and each has a right to veto (and reject) if they really don't want something however they then have to give another proposition.

Took a lot of time for my husband to exercise his right to veto, however very fast I was relieved of duty to be sole decision maker.

Stay clear in communication, and encourage her to say her wants. Explain that 'mutual decision' happens when both wants are known and could be assessed, and not in someone's head alone. That's not even compromise, that's denying/negating yourself, which isn't healthy. And you can't compromise / make decisions with unspoken thoughts.

Also, sometimes it will be an option that you get both, and sometimes you both will have no preference and you'll toss a coin. All approaches are perfectly fine.

It goes for much more stuff than deciding for where to eat, and many are applicable for any relationship, not just partner ones. Like, which movie we'll watch, which soda to buy, and so on. Usually there's no need that any side has to suffer for the sake of other side, eg I can watch my thing on phone/laptop and he'll watch on tv, and we'll sit on same couch.

And also, when you're doing something for someone else, like, I'll go to museum with you because I like your company and have zero interest in museums, that will be like a gift, and not a burden.

It's perfectly fine to also go together but then I stay outside reading book and he looks exhibitions. We don't have to share everything completely to still be involved in each other's lives and feel companionship.

Just because you're sisters that doesn't mean you have exact same taste, or exact same wants at exact same moment in time. And that's ok. Good companionship is when you're both free to be who you are and figure out solutions that work for both, even if they're not conventional.

Especially when both sides have specific needs at this very moment, then you'll have to be creative how to satisfy both needs, so that no side feels stomped over / they had to give up on themselves.

Usually that's actually rare, when people start to be honest with themselves about their wants, they see not all wants are 10/10, some are lile 3/10 or 7/10, and sometimes it brings you more joy to do other person's 10/10 than yours 5/10, and you drop yours completely easily.

That being said, this system works if there's relative balance and desire to cooperate. If someone only wants theirs, and isn't able to assess own scale (eg everything feels like 10/10), and is sour whenever it doesn't happen, that would be good topic for therapy discussions. It could be much easier to open up to professional strangers about own flaws than family.

Still, it's worth trying 'fair play communication' and explain the rules. :) it's not a competition, it's collaboration.

Good luck!

Mundane_Mixture_7541

ADHD-C

1mo

Thank you for your thorough response! It’s really insightful. It sounds like you and your husband have been able to grow together in this, so it’s definitely giving me inspiration.

CuriousApprentice

AuDHD

1mo

Definitely! We're together for 12+ years, first few months the issue was huge, then it got better. Can't remember when he first time used his veto, probably when I used mine several times. I was constantly encouraging him to tell me wants, tell mine and we'd discuss openly, basically I'd share my thoughts in real time.

There’s still some situation where his anxiety kicks in and he double checks, however he also trusts my answer. Sometimes my anxiety kicks in and I have to double check. But it was really intensive work put into it from both sides. And many errors but then we'd discuss later.

I think you two might not have that much struggle, because she is speaking, just not transparently. He would cave in immediately, and that drove me crazy, I wanted to hear his wants... And also, you will proceed even when you suspect she wants something else, so that's also much better position.

No need for pliers to get any word out :) but yes, even when pliers are needed it can be figured out, if both sides wants it.

Today we can even 'play fight' or 'negotiate' if we're in playful mood :)

Chance-Lavishness947

1mo

As others gave said, the middle ground here is to have a conversation about the impact of her unwillingness to voice her opinion, ask what happens for her when she does this, and problem solve a solution that meets both of your needs.

You have the right not to participate in inferred communication. And you care about her and want her to be happy. They are not mutually exclusive.

Most likely, the best path forward will end up being either you giving her a choice of 2-3 options or you guys not eating together. There are a lot of other options too. This is a mutual issue and you can absolutely draw a line and say you won't participate in the dynamic, but you can also support her to develop this skill within a safe relationship without sacrificing your peace for it.

DogEnthusiast3000

1mo

Simple answer: I wouldn’t cater to her unspoken needs at all. I am not a mindreader, therefore people must speak to me if they want something from me. Simple as that.

La_Baraka6431

1mo

NOT.

If she can't use her big girl words to tell you what she wants ... well, that AIN'T YOUR PROBLEM.

ximdotcad

1mo

What do you mean by “she hinted at what she wanted ?“

Mundane_Mixture_7541

ADHD-C

1mo

What she does is that she brings up two options such as “we could go for pizza or hamburgers”. I say that I’m leaning more towards hamburgers. She then starts to reason about why it would be better to get pizza as in “if we get pizza, we can save the leftovers” or “there’s a new pizza place” and finishes with “but it doesn’t matter I’m happy with both”. I think it’s clear why she’s arguing about one thing over the other, but she always avoids saying “I want this”. Most of the time I’ll go with her reasoning, but if I really want burgers I’ll stick to saying that I prefer it. It’s those times when I feel that it’s clear she expected another outcome and becomes disappointed/annoyed.

This is why I’m a bit torn. She is communicating what she wants in all ways but saying it straight.

ximdotcad

1mo

Ah, I see. I feel extremely uncomfortable dictating to others, so was curious what her pattern was.

I will usually just say the foods I am unwilling to eat and let them choose anything but that.

Melsura

1mo

Is she 3??? She needs to state what she wants. You shouldn’t have to guess.

Your boyfriend is wrong. Next time, HE should make the decision based on her hints then if he thinks it’s so easy.