Anyone struggle with their femininity as a girl who never “fit in”?

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Dam, I’m trying to comment more instead of just typing a paragraph but I could have written this. As someone who is trying to feel more ‘feminine’ maybe it will help if you redefine what that means to you? For me at least it means I make sure to oil my nails daily and have nice neat nails even if they are not painted and I try to treat everyone w kindness. Edit: Ik that’s not super feminine or whatever but it’s what is working for me and I slowly add shit as I’m going

this seems like something that would be much easier to understand with the help of therapy, i imagine one of the first steps would be to allow yourself to feel pretty and feminine, and to believe it. itll take work to build up the confidence and be comfortable in yourself but its definitely doable, best of luck on your journey

Yes, and when I was a teenager I thought I might be a lesbian or be trans. Now that I'm older, I feel very comfortable in my female body and love being female, but being a woman is still difficult. I always feel like I'm not performing femininity correctly or sufficiently, like I could "do more" to be more feminine, more womanly, if I tried. When I do try, though, I feel fake and inauthentic, as if I've put on a wig that doesn't suit me. I'm 36 and this is something I've struggled with since puberty, and still struggle with.

We’ve had a lot of discussions here about our inability to “girl” properly—everything from habits like skin care to sensory issues making makeup, clothing, or shoes problematic to an inability to be appropriately “demure” due to impulsivity with speech.

It’s ok. You’re in good company. :)

Had a similar childhood, and have sensory issues on top of all the emotional baggage that make it doubly hard to feel comfortable when dressing more feminine.

One thing that helped me feel more comfortable in my body was taking up weightlifting. Building and maintaining strength is something that I find pretty rewarding and is an easier, more clear cut goal than trying to achieve a certain look, because looks are subjective.

So much of gender is just a social construct. How you act, how you dress, how you present or see yourself doesn't change the fact that you're a woman. So, arguably, whatever you do is inherently feminine because that's what you are. You're not going to get your woman card taken away because you performed your gender 'wrong'. The important thing is that you get to decide what being feminine means to you. Part of figuring that out is trying out different looks & different ways of presenting yourself. It might feel a little awkward, but it's part of the process. Get to know yourself, who you are, and who you want to be, and what parts of that you want others to see.

Also, people aren't paying half as much attention as you think they are, because they're focused on their own issues.

I literally identified as a trans man for 4 years before desisting. So I think there’s a definite possibility that having ADHD affects the way we experience gender.

My strength is woman.

So what if my hair is short, rarely look in they mirror, never put on make up, drive a ute, my use power tools on the regular.

My strength is woman.

And I have clothes I feel comfy in. And clothes i feel good in

While our histories are very different, I identified with your "cosplaying" reference.

I'm nearly 39, but only since my youngest (of 3) was born 4½ years ago, have I really, really struggled with many symptoms of ADHD I used to have a good control over, before I was CONSTANTLY overstimulated all the freaking time.

I've said something kind of similar, that I feel like a "mommy barbie" and that where I used to have a sense of my own style, when I get dressed now I feel like it's more occasion-based, like "mommy goes grocery shopping" or "mommy goes to a parent-teacher conference" or "mommy lays in bed all day and doesn't do shit" outfits.

I have an excessive amount of clothing, with lots of mix & match options, but I still often struggle with putting outfits together, and rarely do I feel like my appearance is the outward expression of myself it uses to be.

Can't really offer anything more than solidarity, but I hear you.

I’m so sorry kiddo. Your mom had some issues.

That being said, I have never been girly. Always called a tomboy, always told by family that I was built for working (lived on a farm). When I had my own daughter I struggled at providing any guidance with girly stuff. I still can’t do makeup to this day and I’m mid 40s.

The thing is, you are still you. Society’s idea of femininity is flawed. There’s nothing wrong with you.

But I get it. ::hugs::

I never actively felt 'like a woman', not that I felt manmy, I just felt I am me... Which can be confusing when everyone is yelling 'I feel like a man/woman' no matter what body they are in. Never really understood myself what it meant to 'feel feminine' or 'feel manly'. I either feel good about myself or crap about myself. It can be because my tummy is getting too pudgy/bloated or because I lost muscles I used to have, likewise I can feel good about my face due to a line of eyeliner but feel good about my body because I can still do 100 situps even though I can't do my pushups anymore 🤷

So my personal advise to you is to find things you are happy about that is solely you and not 'because you are a woman'.

Someone said they don't feel feminine or beautiful with ADHD because putting a routine together is hard. Girl maintenence, self care, the everything shower. Whatever you wanna call it. 

I used to struggle there too, and also with an imposed idea that my beauty and sexualidad were dangerous. My mom didn't try to make me feel ugly, but she did give me the idea that if I was too pretty I'd be targeted. 

It took time and therapy (and beating the hell out of a guy who did target me) but it got easier. I hope you can keep working through it. You deserve to feel good about yourself. 

Yup and I was undiagnosed and always blamed it on growing up with a single dad. I really wish I understood accessories. I've done the hyperfemme thing but that's because I got into Rockabilly and just put the whole look on like it was a work uniform or a theater costume. I dropped it all in 2020 and I have no idea what my look is. All the grown women in my life were all very put together, grandmother and aunts all in Chanel suits. I struggle with feeling like a failure as a woman because I don't have a look. Even my sister has her own version of that, kinda Lily Pulitzer. I live in graphic tees and jeans with every leg style because I don't know what looks good on me. Each day, it's a different one😂 Why are clothes this hard?

I'm going on 34 soon, and I understand exactly what you mean by feeling weird when attempting to dress feminine 🫠 I've been slowly trying to be more feminine for a few years now, but whenever I do it feels like I'm cosplaying, as you said. I have no idea how to explain or remotely start making it better. I just don't feel like "me", even though I am genuinely excited to look that way, if that makes sense. It's so weird.

I struggled with this a ton in my teens/20s. I'm in my 40s now, for context. I found focussing on skincare really helped me (I didn't wear makeup back then). It doesn't even have to be fancy. Just tending to my face and dental care felt loving and nice and over time I felt better about my appearance and got inspired to get adventurous with clothes etc (NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO).

There’s a lot of trauma that probably needs to be addressed and unpacked. I think for the time being doing whatever level of feminity that you feel comfortable with is enough.

I had a lot of hang ups about my body in childhood as well and when I stopped trying to play by the rules and wore whatever I thought I looked good in I was able to accept and let go some of those ideas that were imposed on me by others. There was something about my outwards appearance not matching with my inner experience that would make me uncomfortable. Whether it was a certain hair style/ outfit or colour… but I would power through to try and be accepted. The other aspect was getting used to people commenting on my appearance when I wore something out of the box… I used to hate it because I didn’t like being perceived. But when I grew more comfortable in the things that I was wearing and being able to express myself, I didn’t mind it so much.

Watching RuPaul Drag Race actually help me break some of those ideas down. I hope you can find your own way to express yourself and be comfortable. Gender is a social construct and we are all just performing it, it depends on how you want to perform it!

Reframe/challenge what femininity means for yourself. Especially outside the context of a society that centers men. I am going to use myself as examples because I went through my own journey of reframing and redefining what femininity means for myself. It probably also helps that I am queer ymmv 😅

For example, you say you are muscular as if it's either/or. Being muscular does not mean you cannot be feminine. You absolutely can. I happen to be muscular and athletic because those are important to me so I prioritize them. This does not take away from my femininity; it only enhances it.

Also I want to point out that you do NOT need to wear makeup in order to be feminine. Society/media puts a lot of emphasis on makeup/beauty (its a billion dollar industry) but it is not necessary unless you want it. I happen to enjoy makeup from time to time, but most days I dont wear it. I use it to enhance my features and only for myself (or sometimes my partner).

I am still feminine even in sweat pants and a sweater. I am still feminine when I ride my motorcycle. I am still feminine when I am baking a cake.

Do you see what I am getting at? I am defining it for myself. No one else gets to.

I was raised to be a man's accessory, like a handbag with a pussy (sorry for being so crude). My mother alway told me how good I looked and encouraged my sexual relationship with an 18 yr old guy when I was 13.

Before having a kid I was always quite androgynous and only a couple of years ago realised I'm genderfluid (thanks Rick Riordan and Alex Fierro) and not at all sexual.

So I guess I'm kind of the opposite.

The common denominator is oyr mothers forcing us into THEIR perception of us, THEIR reality, without any consideration for who we are as individuals.

What she did to you is probably more far reaching than you realise. I fully agree with the person who recommends therapy to sort this out. It's worth it.

I’m diagnosed ADHD. I suspect I’m also autistic, but won’t get tested until later this month. I’ve been reading Unmasking Autism and I 100% identified with the person in that book that called themselves a “gender failure.” That’s how I’ve felt all my life. I was never feminine enough. As a kid I was a tomboy. But I’ve been mistaken for a boy, a man, a queer woman. The only experience that made me feel I could relate to cishet women was giving birth. Since then I’ve actually started wearing dresses (always hated them) because now my body type is totally different and pants are uncomfortable. But I still think “gender failure” best describes me.

Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel just a little less alone in my struggles.

I struggled with this when I was younger as well. I was raised in a very religious household and was kind of a tomboy as a kid, that coupled with struggling to fit in made me sort of reject my femininity. Leaving home in my late teens/early 20s was when I started to explore and enjoy my more feminine side and I discovered I am actually very girly lol and was able to embrace it. I think cultural conditioning of women being "less than" and competition with each other in the early 2000’s certainly didnt help!

Rock on, OP. There are so many ways of expressing who you are, including your femininity if you wish to. If it feels like cosplay at times, what’s wrong with incorporating a little bit of play into your life? Cosplay can be fun. And do try to bear in mind the power of “yet”. Trying something new? Of course it’s not comfortable… yet.

I had long felt as though I flunked “girly girl 101”. Now I’m old enough and have had enough experience to be OK with that. I am I.

At 22, you’re just starting to get your feet under you, so I hope you can give yourself some grace. If you’re patient and willing to experiment playfully, I know you’ll figure out what works for you. Not for society, not for your mother’s voice playing on loop in your head, not for whatever your former classmates thought you should look like or dress like. For you.

The adventure begins, OP. Happy experimenting!

Yeah I’ve always blamed it on my height (5’9”). For some reason I equate “feminine” with “petite” and “soft”. And it’s hard for me to feel that way when I’m usually the tallest woman in the room. I realize this is a me problem lol

That’s interesting. I’m thin, petite and my mother wasn’t controlling yet I would say that I’d never felt good at things that are traditionally feminine. Now that I’m diagnosed (was diagnosed at 23, now I’m 24) I believe that having adhd is what caused this. I’ve always despised jewelry because of sensory isssues (which I didn’t understood when I was younger). I enjoyed watching makeup tutorials as a teen but as an adhd person I suck at routines so having to do it everyday and having to remove your makeup every night it’s annoying, so I don’t wear it regularly aside for tinted lip balm. During quarantine I went through a nail art hyperfixiation and my nail care game improved but now I’m already out of it, so I don’t do much for my nails nowadays.

Would I say that I looked like a tomboy? Not really as I do like wearing floral patterns and having long hair, also I suck at sports (which I attribute to my poor time calculating skills due to my adhd). My social live was not good either, even though I did had a phone and social media since young. I had trouble starting conversations (I was painfully shy) and maintaining a long conversation as my attention starts to drift at a certain point and I have those problems weather I’m interacting with boys or girls. So, for me adhd it’s what caused me to feel like I don’t fit in.

But in your case your mother went the extra mile making you feel even worse, and it seems it would be better for you to talk about this in therapy so it can help you feel better about yourself. Remember that you don’t have to confine yourself in what it’s traditionally feminine, you can develope your own personal style that makes you feel like the real you, which it’s difficult to achieve but it’s imposible if you really don’t like yourself.

I do not fit the world's fashion. I'm too big for conventional, but too small for plus size. I have big boob so need to shop for the widest part, but no ass so my pants fall down. I feel like wearing dresses and skirts is fake on me and automatically over dressed and that I've been wearing clothes to cover me, not because I enjoy them or they flatter me. I'm classic hour glass with the only curve missing being my ass, and no off the rack clothing works for me. I'm also stupidly capable and independent (house, car maintenance etc).

I'm 39.

You are working against an upbringing where your physical presentation wasn't valued, but this doesn't have to be who you need to continue to present as.

I'm rambling, but the concept of femininity is a social construct, which changes so often. You don't need to be all of it at once, or any of it at once. If you identify as female that's enough.

I'm technically old enough to be your mother, so I give you maternal permission to go work out what makes you feel like you. This includes working with people to change things that's making you unhappy about your appearance, and to get therapy because all we can do is share and give solidarity, but they can actually help.

I felt similar to you. My mum never taught me how to girl because she never knew how either. So I went through a really girly phase where I focused hard on learning how to do hair and make-up and skincare and fashion, and I still pay attention to all that - but now my style is a lot more masc/butch and it makes me really happy. It feels like this is what I was going for all along.

Yeah, I did for a bit around your age and tried to cosplay as more feminine than I am, then I stopped pretending because I don't feel that I have a gender at all.

I like some things that people at some point started calling feminine, some masculine, but in reality, stuff is just stuff. I don't mind if I'm perceived as a woman, but it means nothing to me. Gender is kind of like names I guess, more for other people than for you.

Team muscular and apple shaped and cosplaying over here as well. It's hard and I'm sorry that it makes you feel uncomfortable too. I think you are spot on about neurodivergence playing a big role. Masking inner not-fitting-in feelings is extra hard when there's a sense that you look outwardly like you don't fit in either.

Two things that have helped me feel better:

1. I have a few Youtube channels that have helped me bring romance and a feeling of femininity into my life, not necessarily for others to see but for me to feel. Alexandra's Girly Talk is one of my favorite ones. While a lot of her recommendations almost feel 'too' feminine for me to feel comfortable replicating (acrylic nails, false lashes, etc.) others have brought a real sense of peace and luxury to my life. #1 was getting a little hand steamer for clothes: even if I'm just getting the wrinkles out of a shirt, I notice how much nicer it looks and feel like I did something beautiful for myself. Also, fleece lined tights (so soft!) in winter.

2. As someone else on this thread said, weightlifting! It seems counterintuitive, especially as someone who always felt 'big', but it's been one of the best changes I've made — maybe in my whole life. First, it helped balance my apple shape by finally building me a butt and making my waist look more tapered by comparison. Crazy that lifting heavy weights gave me a more feminine shape, but I promise it's true. Secondly, it just feels awesome to be strong. I still think about how other people see me, but so much less than I used to.

All the best on your journey. Unfortunately, I think a little part of us may always feel like outsiders, but we can at least feel happier as ourselves.

I've never been super feminine, preferring sweats or jeans with tees or hoodies. My mom calls my hoodies my "uniform" lol. But it's just cold where I live a lot of the year, and other warmer clothes either make me feel too warm, aren't warm enough, or make me feel weirdly claustrophobic.

Can't do hair, and aside from my mom curling my hair for special occasions, dance or figure skating shows, she didn't do anything with hair either. And just trying to sit still for getting my hair curled was pure torture, probably because of my ADHD, and it turned me off of bothering to do anything with my hair. Same sort of thing for makeup. My "full face" is just tinted moisturizer, with concealer under my eyes, mascara, filling in my brows ever so slightly, and a little bit of blush. I just don't have the patience or attention span to deal with any more than that.

Summer is really the only time I seem to like being a bit more feminine. I used to love buying all sorts of bikinis, though now I've gained some weight and am less into them. I used to hate dresses when I was little, but like them in the summer now, especially because I can still feel casual in lots of styles and not like everyone is staring at me because I'm "trying too hard."

Overall, I can't say I've felt too out of place because many of my friends are similar to me. Many of them grew up playing sports like I did, and so sweats/jeans were and still are common attire for many of us, but we still have times we like getting more dressed up. It's just not every day like some women, and for me that's okay. Just doing a little something something here and there can be fun, without completely changing my style (or lack thereof).

I wear (very light and minimal) makeup basically every day because if I don't do it I'd never do anything.

Find YOUR definition of femininity.

In my opinion femininity isn’t ALL about being outwardly pretty. If caring about your appearance makes you feel good then do you (nothing wrong with it), but if it doesn’t then don’t. To me, femininity is showing empathy, kindness, and compassion toward myself and others. It’s allowing myself to feel my feelings, and create a safe space for others to feel & express their feelings without judgement.

I recommend journaling or out loud brainstorming (in the shower lol) ‘What’s femininity mean to me? What makes me feel feminine? What makes me feel good as a woman?’

A podcast I listened to a while back mentioned that ND folk appear to be upwards of 30%+ queer. While not technically related, it adds to the gamut of ineffective masking moments. NT kids often have more than one hyperfocsed interest at the same time, so that too butts heads.

Oh, and kids are assholes.

Same same same but now you can’t tell me I ain’t the shit 💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼I love my graphic tees , sneakers. Can’t tell me shit.

I had similar but different struggles with this same idea, though I'm not sure if it's a specifically ADHD related thing for me. For me it's more trying to claim my femininity without feeling like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't. I went through a lot of phases of trying on different identities, and while I liked certain aesthetics, I still didn't feel like I could relate to other people wearing similar clothes or who fully embodied those identities. I always felt like when I was in those groups, I was never able to be my full self, and like other people wanted me to be less complex than I really was.

I went through middle school, then high school, then university, and about 3 years in the work place until I worked through all that. And then I decided that I was just going to be a little dumpy goblin creature who could do whatever she wanted and look however she felt. If I didn't want to wear makeup, I didn't have to. If I wanted to just put all my hair into a hat and pretend it didn't exist, that was fine. And I was certainly done with choosing clothes based on whether or not I thought other people would like them or they'd make me blend into a specific group better.

What worked for me might not work for you, but I had the epiphany while making art. I was drawing and I messed up some of the linework. Normally I would have restarted it, because it was done in thick black pen. But I was like. No. I worked hard on this, it doesn't have to be perfect to express what I want to express. And then I thought suddenly that oh, I should apply that to myself. And then I drew myself as my weird little creature avatar for the first time. It was the idea of this little creature that doesn't look conventionally beautiful, and just grabs scraps of things from other people's junk piles to create beautiful things in their everyday life. She was weird and had crazy eyes, and random spots all over her body, and her teeth weren't straight, and she was really short and rather squat. Even so, she had her own femininity, using the things other people had given her, or that she'd found, to create her own persona, and try to feel beautiful, and even though it was not the same as some of the other people and creatures in the drawings, she was able to be happy because her standards was just to do her best and live as who she was no matter what.

All in all, I don't know if any of that helps, but if it does, cheers. Self esteem and finding where you fit and combining that with your personal style can take a very long time when you've got underlying trauma, so I wish you the best on this journey.

As a dark-skinned, curvy and curly- haired girl growing up in South Asia, I can relate to feeling "ugly". I remember disparaging "praises" about how I had lovely eyes and only if I was fairer or my hair was less curly I would be quite pretty. The body shaming was always there as well, I could never be thin enough. My mother had been equally mistreated and she unknowingly projected her issues on me as well. The teenage years were the worst, I always wore clothes a few sizes bigger and boyish clothes, I felt so ugly and frumpy.

I have realised that those comments and mistreatment of the formative years never go away fully. ADHD makes everything harder, the justice sensitivity makes sure that I know it wasn't fair. Emotional dysregulation and feeling not good enough in other areas from having ADHD constantly erode away at mental wellbeing.

However, I am better at countering those thoughts now and maybe you (OP) can learn to do that too. I am doing a Master's degree that focuses on Gender development so I have to learn about how, where and when the currently categorised feminine and masculine gender expressions and traits became the norm. The current understanding of femininity and masculinity and the projections of those traits in dressings or mannerisms was only solidified in the 19th century during the European colonisation and conquests. There were many different ways to be feminine, and there is no reason why there cannot be many more ways now.

I focus on this a lot when I feel like I am not appropriately feminine. My approach now is my gender is female and I am a woman so surely my everything I do and I am (looks, clothes, traits etc.) is inherently feminine and womanly.

If you, a female and a woman wore makeup then it is a feminine. If a male and a man wore makeup then it is masculine. Funnily enough, I wear my husband's clothes all the time and I don't feel ugly or frumpy anymore when I do. I also wear makeup when I want to, wear a dress when I want to. When I do feel I am not adequately feminine or pretty, I ask myself if I want to follow those standards and if following them would benefit me.

Reframing my understanding of gender makes me feel less guilty for not being "feminine" enough.

♥️

For me when I was struggling with a lot of these same issues, reading trans women’s stories helped a lot. There’s a lot of parallels there for me, even though I’m female and probably more non-binary than anything.

Over the years I’ve learned to embrace more of my femininity. It’s hard though since there’s a lot about traditional womanhood that I’ve hated or had trouble relating to. I wasted a lot of energy trying to distance myself from those things thinking it’d keep me safer or less vulnerable somehow.

But yeah nowadays I give myself permission to enjoy the bright happy colors I’ve always loved, wear frilly things if I want to, etc. I’ll never have a proper makeup regiment and I’ll always struggle with things like body hair, but I do like being me more so now. It’s a journey!

This was my life too. I've always been a tomboy so that make me stick out even more. Trying to do hair and makeup has always confused me so I just gave up trying.

For me it's kind of the opposite. Grew up with my mum trying, without really forcing me to be more feminine but that never really felt right with me. I was more of a tomboy growing up and for a little while back then I wished I were a boy because I didn't feel like I was "really a girl" because of my "unfeminine traits".

One puberty hit and started going to secondary school I've felt more pressured if not forced to be more "traditionally feminine" because I never really liked makeup (guess it's the sensory issues, it just feels off) but still like other feminine stuff like skirts and dresses but nevertheless I still felt like I wasn't feminine nor feminine enough.

Now that I'm literally your same age I struggle sometimes but with the help of therapy I've definitely embraced my own version of femininity in which I'm still feminine regardless of some stuff that are considered such but don't align with me. Heck, I love wearing pink frilly dresses but still no makeup and such (since I'm not familiar with that kinda stuff I really don't know what else there is besides makeup and perfume I'm an ignorant on that whole topic). So maybe just try to find out your own version of femininity in which you're the most comfortable with and the happiest with yourself. And to hell with everyone as long as you perceive yourself as feminine

I don’t, but I would suggest having a routine everyday for skincare etc. for example, waking up early to feel polished, wash my face, pick out outfits without rushing .

No matter what, your feelings are valid. No if/ands/buts. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel comfortable in whatever you’re wearing and however you look.

I grew up with a mom who was very focused on “health” (being as skinny as possible); made comments about my weight (that I was overweight when I wasn’t); and would also buy me clothes 2-3 sizes too big. I also wasnt allowed, or taught how to, shave/groom my body hair or do my makeup/hair. My mom’s rules, coupled with my own sensory issues, left me wearing some ugly outfits, lolol. I can chuckle about it now, but the trauma impact is still there.

My best advice? Try to throw out any expectations from trends, friends, family, society. They don’t know you, like you know you. Even if you don’t know your true self well right now. That’s okay! You can be whoever you want to be. If you want to be the girl who only wears blue lipstick because you like how it matches your favorite blue shirt, that’s cool! Watch some YouTube makeup tutorials to find a look you love, or maybe no makeup makes you feel the most confident! You mentioned your body shape was muscular apple-ish? Pinterest outfit ideas for your body shape.

Reframing this situation into a “I get to experiment with different clothes/makeup/etc to find what makes me feel the most beautiful me” can be helpful, too.

Sending lots of love and positivity your way. I hope you begin to feel like your most beautiful self soon 🫶🏼

Trigger warning: CSA This post is whack because I relate to it for different reasons. My mother grew up poor and is from a different country so we had this cultural divide between us. I grew up as a tomboy but felt somewhat more "feminine" (🤢, I dislike this problematic term but I can't think of how else to word it right now) by like age 12. I was a tween and then a teen trying to figure out how to fit in. She didn't approve of shaving legs but I did it anyways.I was often uncomfortable in my body because I was sexually abused when I was a young child & feared unwanted attention from almost all old men. I learned how to do makeup from a friend who was also kind of a snobby bitch at times while I was passive and clueless. I haven't learned how to do my hair well or how to do my makeup any differently than how I did it at like age 11. I'm 38! I can't seem to learn how to curl my hair and I have a bad cowlick that even makes putting my hair into a ponytail a struggle. I usually sport a pixie but let it grow out this year. Now it's a weird bob that desperately needs trimming & shaping. I'm going all over the place with this comment because ADHD but sometimes I almost find nonbinary to be relatable except I think it's more ADHD related. I don't have the patience for beauty. I'm an empath, I focus on inner beauty & strength, I'm not into materialism/consumerism, anti-aging bullshit, & other things that would fuel focus on my outward image. I wear a large array of mostly thrifted clothing and I'm not sure what my personal style is.

One of the only things that has inspired me to sometimes look more put together is how some of the Queer Eye cast has explained that expressing your personality and upping your game with regards to grooming/applying make up/fixing hair/choosing clothes can positively impact your confidence. I'm not very good at any of these though.

I also had limited understanding of social norms, again linked to my mom's lack of understanding American social norms so she couldn't pass them on to me. My dad is probably an undiagnosed autistic with no empathy and no regard for social norms (he's old AF and still doesn't bother to bring a dish to pass at social gatherings yet he will eat like 3x his share of what everyone else brought). I didn't have sleepovers and I rarely attended them. I was a people pleasing class clown until 6th grade when I became an outcast and my 2 very popular best friends who went to a different middle school dumped me via phone call claiming I had called them sluts or something similar when I hadn't ever said that word and barely understood what it meant.

I'm gonna stop my rambling self now. I feel you.

I’m sorry your mom put you through all of that. I hope you are able to start healing from it with the help of therapy and a good support network around you.

Late diagnosed 37 cis F here. I’ve always felt comfortable in my female identity, but never comfortable in how I am expected or able to express it.

I was a “late bloomer” and what did eventually “bloom” was not what I expected or hoped for…and I definitely have always felt “less” of a woman compared to peers/societal ideals. I still shop in the training bra section, and I have hips for days. So I never felt like I was the right kind of “feminine” either.

Coupled with that, I really dislike wearing makeup because it feels so heavy, like a mask. I feel like it restricts my ability to move my face.

I was never interested in mani/pedis, hate people touching my feet, and basically anything “spa day” related = sounds like sensory hell to me. Never ever ever book me a massage.

I’ve never really liked the modern clothes that are fashionable, and wish I could wear like hyper femme, cottage core style, flouncy and full dresses/skirts every day without people laughing at me. And now that I am older, I totally would!! But as I age, I seem to have more sensory issues and can’t bear the feel of any fabric that isn’t super soft and stretchy. So I live in leggings and tshirts.

I also have trichotillomania (hair pulling) so I have not been able to do my hair the way I wanted to for 24 years now.

I feel like an alien; definitely don’t feel like I am “girling” the way society wants me to, and also I can’t even “girl” the way I want to!

So I get it - my only advice is just try to meet yourself where you are. If you try out something and are not comfortable, you don’t have to do it!

Edit: there’s not actually a right or wrong way to be a girl. I have decided the rules are stupid and make no sense. However you decide to express that, from one day to the next, If you are comfortable, and feel like you are “you” that’s what counts.

You're working through the issues caused by your mother. That's good. Very good.

My first question is do you feel like a woman? Is that your gender identity? Let's assume here that it is. There are no rules for feeling feminine despite what marketing tells us. Women can have long hair or short hair, wear dresses or jeans, makeup or not - it's what your're comfortable with.

That being said, if you want to feel more feminine by generally accepted standards, that's completely fine too. Here's where neurodivergence probably comes into play. It's easy to fall into rabbit holes and try to do too much OR to have trouble keeping a routine.

My honest thoughts are that this is more related to your trauma.

If you'd like to feminine it up, I'd pick one thing to start. Clothes or makeup or skincare, maybe nails, whatever strikes you. There's are so many tutorials on YouTube or ask a friend whose style you admire. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing.

Sounds like you are carrying around the voice of your mum

I don’t know. My mom modeled how to girl/allowed us to and encouraged us to be feminine. I do buy a lot of menswear but like doing my hair and makeup it’s like a shield…

But I still kind of feel the way you do. Like I’m disconnected from my body in a sense. And wearing sandals/ clothes of a certain type( colors, patterns/ short sleeves) does make me feel too exposed in a very weird way that I have trouble explaining… but my rules about what I allow myself to wear so I don’t have to think about what I’m wearing led one therapist to suggest I might have OCD. To which I said no thank you.

It would be interesting if this were yet another commonality!

Don’t feel pressured to fit in! I experimented with makeup, but don’t like how the “full makeup look” looks on me. I’ve been told I look better without makeup — I think I agree lol.

I have naturally big lips and high cheekbones along with some pink flush in my cheeks. The makeup look covers them up. You can definitely just add certain makeup steps to your routine like lipgloss or eye makeup and be happy with that!

Is this an adhd thing?

Yes. When I was younger. What I learned was there are many different ways to be feminine. Give yourself permission to be the woman you want to be right now. And it’s ok if it’s not like everyone else you know. It does not mean it’s wrong.

I genuinely think now I'm older (44) that a lot of "femininity" is a social construct exploited by capitalism. It's definitely the type of BS that us neurodivergents naturally question. The fact these standards prevail (ie feminine = makeup and dresses etc) is because the majority of people just tend to follow norms instead of questioning them.

Part of the reason I didn't get the help/understanding/treatment I needed for ADHD until so far through my life was because I was raised to be good, quiet, meek, "ladylike" and put others' needs before my own. This must be the case for a lot of women here. Therefore, I see the type of femininity that gets advertised to us ("conform to certain beauty standards in order to be accepted") as very harmful. I consider myself a feminist (recommending @farida.d.author on insta for some powerful food for thought).

These days I never wear heels or paint my nails, I feel free to wear band/slogan tees, play electric guitar and computer games, not shave my body hair etc. When I was younger I tried to fit in (i was rubbish at it), but I think that was part of my mask.

So sorry to hear what you went through growing up. It's great that you are processing it.

With you. I'm learning! Still. Pinterest is good to figure out what kinds of looks you like, then see where you go. I have a lot of fancy dresses, but don't go to balls, so that is a fact. You will learn what colors you like, when you see something and know immediately it would feel like yourself. Have fun!

We were raised in a very misogynistic society and we have a lot of internalized sexism that we have to unpack. Part of that is a very narrow definition for femininity.

I think part of my feeling othered was the adhd or cptsd. But part of it is just that I don’t naturally fit that narrow definition. I think a lot of people, of all genders, have difficulty fitting into the narrow roles we are assigned and that’s partially why we are seeing an expansion if gender definitions. People are trying to find alternative expressions for their sense of self.

Therapy is good for this sort of thing!

I felt this way for a long time, but I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing specifically. Society’s definition of womanhood is fucked up and impossible to comply with in real life, and we’re better off ignoring it and doing our own thing. If anything, I think ADHD helps you think outside the box and question these things a little bit more.

I remember I felt unable to say that I was « a woman » for a long time, because I didn’t fit the brief. I would hang out with boys, have « boys » interests, have hairy arms and legs, sweat a lot… until I learned about feminism and then later on came out as a queer woman. This really freed me from patriarcal expectations about how I’m supposed to present as a woman. I don’t identify strongly with being a woman, nor being a man, but I’m comfortable using she/her. I’ve found my own way of expressing my gender. I think one might say I have an androgynous style, but with a slightly feminine vibe?? Sort of? On most days I wear no make up, no dresses or skirts. And then there are days where I will want to lean towards traditional femininity more (by doing my hair a certain way for example) but I see it as a game, it doesn’t define me in any way. The same goes with the way I talk or walk, or the pitch of my voice, I’ve noticed I’ll subconsciously modulate them depending on the day or even the situation.

I think people look sexier and better when they stop trying to fight what comes naturally to them and when they embrace and explore what makes them feel the most comfortable and aligned with themselves (as opposed to others). I’ve even noticed that more people (women or men) were attracted to me when I stopped trying to dress like other girls, even if it was more masculine. Why would you force yourself to dress expressly feminine if it makes you feel uncomfortable? Just do what makes you feel good, there are no rules :)

i feel similar but kind of the opposite way. i do think im pretty, but I am not feminine. growing up my mom liked to dress me up cute (in a normal way). but every time i wore a skirt or something i felt so uncomfortable, like you said i felt like it drew attention. it was such a specific and intense feeling that i only got from dressing that way. i wanted to look plain and unfeminine. i am not really insecure now, i just dont like showing my body. by definition i am not feminine, but i like to think i am just being feminine in a different way. even though i mostly wear boy clothes and dont wear makeup, it doesnt make me any less of a woman. but i do still feel like i dont fit in and am still struggling with it

my advice to you would be to not wear something or make yourself look a certain way just because you feel like that's what you have to do as a woman. yes it probably has to do with your insecurities, but you also dont have to make yourself feel more insecure to try to mask your insecurities, you know? you should try dressing in what actually makes you comfortable, not wearing makeup that you don't want to, etc. and see how you feel. remember you have FREE WILL!!!! just do what you want.

I have never been very feminine. I was a tomboy. I still ever wear dresses. EVER. I have shorter hair. I used to wear eyeshadow, concealer, and powder in my teens in the 90’s and my 20s. But now I only wear powder to cut shine when I go out and that is it.

I went through a whole thing of trying to figure out if I was like transgender or something but finally decided that I am not. I am a manly girl who really has no interest in a partner at all.

Shrug. I guess I am just all the way to one side of the feminine spectrum

I’ve never felt completely feminine and in fact, been recently calling a full face of makeup, hair, nails, Drag for me. Normally it’s a lot of pants and shirts and hoodies. I’m 44 so it’s weird to be like, I feel very non binary ins lot of ways but also have feminine days. 🤷 But we never really had a word for it besides “tomboy” I vacillate and also have never fit in anywhere really. I have lots of acquaintances but very few good friends.

i stopped worrying about looking feminine or not and instead shifted my attention to what i want to look like. i like anime. i want to look like an anime character. i like kpop boys, i wanna look like a kpop boy. there. now i feel fine in my wardrobe. the only part i hate is how much weight ive gained :”) but yeah. throughout the years i collected bows, anything with a sailor collar, paper bag shorts (nobody will tell me i can’t wear them anymore just bc of religion!! no more heat exhaustion!!!) colors, etc. recently i want to look 80s/90s and cut my hair really short.

tldr// advice: shift your attention from “feminine” (vague and designed to be unattainable anyways so you keep spending on shit like products and waxing and surgeries) to things you personally like.