That's it. That's the post. They said it's my fault
Yo my partner just told me I'm the reason they are abusive to me
They have to blame you because it would absolutely destroy them if they admitted they were not perfect.
My abuser was very careful with written words, but unhinged in person. I've repeated things he said to me and at best he's "shocked" he ever said that, at worst there's a wild but deeply rooted reason why he was forced to say or do it - always justified BUT makes sure he states how much he is aware and there is no excuse. Like saying I know you're upset but here's all the reasons why I can't care and how dare you insult me.
Oh I just read about emotional reasoning in an abusive person. "Because I feel upset about something is proof you have done something wrong to me".
mine won't even ackowledge the things he says...he "disagrees with my characterization" of him and says we have different understandings of "what it means to be a human being."
That's messed up, I'm sorry. But seriously what the actual f*#&! What does that even mean? All it says to me is that he is inherently unable to empathize with another human being. Like they have some construct in their head about how people "should" be and if they fall short of that they're not worthy. Mine has that, when I was in mourning he had an idea of how my grief should look and when it didn't go that way he blamed me for not showing up for him during that time.
My sister died 2 years ago and I’m still grieving her, but I try to limit my misery to the month of October as it’s when her death anniversary and birthday occur. I even take off from work during this time period to mourn. He took this opportunity to start fights and berate me over trivial nonsense and thinks I should “just get over it.” I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’ve been through a lot.
Dude....My husband told me a month after my dad died that I just need to get over it. He told told my family members that too. Only two years later did his own parent die and he did apologize to me about his behavior. I never forgave him though
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to endure that kind of cruel indifference from your partner.
Grief is different for everyone, the worst thing we can do for ourselves is ignore it or try to control it. I give you a lot of credit for taking the time you do to be with the memory of your sister. I think emotionally immature people can feel threatened by people dealing with heavy emotions in a healthy way. It takes a lot of strength to sit with those feelings.
Mine did a lot of things for himself then assumed I would just follow his lead, shamed me and called me lazy and fat in covert judgement ways (he wouldn't dare be caught saying it directly). He also unequivocally stated that he cannot be around depression. How do you think that worked for processing my grief? My god, the more I talk about it the more I am shocked with what I put up with.
Wow this! I’ve not read something so relatable in a while. The way we are not allowed to process feelings unless it suits them.. even when it’s due to the loss of a family member or someone close to us. I remember going through an extremely hard time and my ex was not supportive at all, his response was to not talk to me, check on me or take me out anywhere as I ‘didn’t smile’ enough for his liking and I didn’t take pictures of my food which he would buy me.. I was literally grieving and just wanted him to cuddle me and watch films with me. But as I didn’t match his vision of what grieving should look like I deserved to be discarded for that period of time.
I'm so sorry, you deserved to be nurtured and seen during that time (and always for that matter).
When I needed to veg and recharge he would seem fine... But then some time down the line he'd throw an insult at me for just wanting to watch TV and that our major accomplishment as a couple was finishing so many series (despite having a pretty active social life and active outdoors). So then I started getting anxious when I was sick and needed actual rest, feeling like I needed to justify and explain my symptoms, which is odd for me because I normally mask well. But I was also so exhausted all the time and felt so confused all the time that I really needed the rest.