Making new friends at this point

My friends have largely become assholes who compulsively talk about politics, whether they understand the actual substance or not.

At your age, you’re probably going to have your best luck at some sort of volunteer activity or a class of some sort. You’ll have to be open to your friends being much older or much younger but hey, Benjamin Franklin hated hanging out with people his age.

No friends.

I go to work, have work friendships with my coworkers, then come home to my best friend: my wife.

It’s taken me years, but I actually love myself and have the ability to be totally fine while I’m alone. When I’m with my wife, we couldn’t be better friends and she’s the only friend I’ll ever need.

20 years ago, I would have been very hard-pressed if I wouldn’t have had friends. Now, I could give a shit less.

I went out looking to deepen my social circle after moving to a new town and not knowing many people about a year ago with the same skepticism, and it’s working out great so far. I’ve found at least for me, the key has been to sign up for interesting activities that have the potential to better me as a person and that are engaging enough where if I never meet anyone, it’s still a great use of time. These things draw in other outgoing people also looking to do something positive on a Saturday morning or whatever it is. I joined a gym, took up F45, volunteer at a childrens hospital, have a few meetup groups i go to etc and in a good 75%, I’ve made some great relationships and in the ones where I haven’t, I have a great time anyway by myself and look forward to going.

The internet has flat broken the filters we look at the world through. I’ve found it’s easy to tell yourself why it will be weird, paint yourself out to be a desperate weirdo if you try to socialize, worry maybe somebody you meet will be too clingy etc, when at the end of the day there have never been more lonely people in this world who want a human connection and don’t know how. I follow like 30 local subreddits because i travel for work constantly and the story is the same in every single one: how do i make friends in my city?

BIGGEST piece of advice I can offer is the overwhelming majority of people feel the same way you described, so if you wait for other people to make the first move you will wind up being disappointed. I’ve found the key is just to put yourself in reoccurring activities, introduce yourself as new the first time, smile and say hi by name the second time, and by the third time you’re basically halfway to being friends. No pressure needed on yourself, maybe the person just ends up being an acquaintance you look forward to seeing at something you were going to do anyway, maybe they end up being part of your social circle. Actually making myself do it has been one of the best things I’ve done in ages and i forgot how nice it was to be around non work people not complaining about work in my free time.

Met a friend on Bumble BFF. Had to still filter through some odd ones, but finally did find someone I can actually vibe with.

What are you looking for in a friend?

I'm one of those married with children squares, but I know a couple of people who are never married gen xers who have a ton of friends and an active social life, despite not being from this city. One in particular is very popular and he's a local club DJ. So he runs in those circles, going to the dance clubs, spinning from time to time.

Not saying you need to become a club DJ, but if you find a community like that with similar interests that are active, it would probably happen quite organically.

Find another social hobby like a gym, bowling league, martial arts school, etc.

I could always use a new friend or so.

Got jam sessions or open mics near you? I moved to a new area a few years ago, and owing to the well, you know didn't start really getting back out there until two years ago. Started going to a weekly jam session, now I've started hosting a once-monthly jam session at my house, and have plans to hang out with some of the folks separately from musical contexts.

All my current friends are coworkers, riding buddies, or both.

Shared hobbies? I make music, walk, read, learn, take photos - alone.

Stop doing them alone. It's not a guarantee, but it might help open you up to things.

• See if there are open mic nights or open jam sessions where you might play music with other people.
• Libraries and book clubs may help with the reading situation.
• Some colleges have classes / groups that are informal, affordable, and not for actual college credits. You may look for an informal photography meetup through them.

Shared hobbies have been the absolute best way for me to make friends as an adult. Just keep showing up. Someone will eventually say hello.

A lot of volunteers ARE older retired people but not all of them. It depends on what you do. I have done quite a bit of volunteering for environmental organizations, it’s skewed younger because a lot of people use it as a way to break into the field.

Taking classes can be a good way to meet new people and build up your work skills.

Hanging out at your local coffee shop can lead to good things. Or frequent shops that provide you with your hobby supplies and chat up the employees.

Basically, just being out in the world and being open will help.

Maybe sign up to take a class in something? Pottery? French?

The music thing is a good way to make friends. I’ve been a DJ for 15 years and I have a huge community across the state I live in that I’m part of. It’s a very friendly community. Everyone encourages and helps each other. It’s crazy because there is no overall structure. There are just deferent factions in each city that work with each other.

I myself am in rural Montana. So I had to start reaching out online to meet people. I ended up building an online community in discord of DJs and producers of all skill levels and genres. I really active on it and so are some others. If you’re interested hit me up and I’ll send you an invite.

Regarding volunteers: I work in a place that has a volunteer program (animal shelter) and our volunteers are all ages, from college students to retirees. College students seem to be the biggest age group in this particular program but there are people our age too. Like most things, I think the age range of volunteers depends on the type of volunteer work being done. Certain interests attract people of a certain age while others attract people of varying ages. 

And don't discount intergenerational friendships! I understand wanting friends close to your age but you can still develop strong friendships when there is an age gap. I have several friends who are 20+ years older than me and it's been a good experience. 

I know this involves kids, but hear me out. I just recently joined a big volunteer organization with my son and I am already heavily involved in it. I have met a ton of people, probably the most I’ve met since I was in college. I would find your passion for a cause and run with it.

I’ve managed to keep two close friends through the years, otherwise I surface level talk to people at work. So I have no advice to offer other than maybe a bowling league?

I can’t imagine making friends these days because it’s socializing and that’s….tiresome.

That’s it, I just wanted to share I’m old and tired and just the thought of trying to make more friends makes me tired.

I’m a mountain biker and weed grower. Those are two great ways to make friends who like to ride bikes and smoke weed.

Hobbies and bumble BFF are what has worked for me. People with kids haven't panned out so I skip those ones. I don't begrudge these people, my kids are adults now, but the reality is that they are solely focused on their kids/family with little room to grow friendships, even if that's what they say they want.

You also have to commit to showing up regularly. Even if nothing comes of it for a month or so, keep going. At some point you will connect with someone. And I say this as an introvert with social/communication differences.

THE HAPPINESS LAB podcast with Dr. Laura ​Santos. Check out Oct 9 23. How to Make Friends and Compliment People. There are other great episodes also. www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos. Reaching out is the hardest - you rock.

I'm one of those married with children squares, but I know a couple of people who are never married gen xers who have a ton of friends and an active social life, despite not being from this city. One in particular is very popular and he's a local club DJ. So he runs in those circles, going to the dance clubs, spinning from time to time.

Not saying you need to become a club DJ, but if you find a community like that with similar interests that are active, it would probably happen quite organically.