im an 18 years old male and i’ve been sexually assaulted but a woman once when i was 5, sexually assaulted by men at the sage or 13 15 and 16 and raped by a man at the age of 17. After being sexually assaulted in public at 16 everything changed, i hated everyone about me i felt weak for freezing instead or speaking up, did these men know i was an easy target? What was it about me that looked like an open invitation for these men. Deep down there was a part of me that was convinced that sex was the only way anyone would love me for so i started having sex with strangers here and then as a way to cope with how i was feeling; every time i felt disgusting i would cope with sex. Worst part was, i only felt even more disgusting afterwards i couldn’t even shower or look at myself in the mirror. All these things ruined my relationship with the girl of my dreams i never felt like enough of a man to be with her. I couldn’t even protect myself how could i protect her? So i started running away from any kind of romantic relationship. Idk what to do i dont feel like living anymore