Ladies, I could use some support

My husband is sick with a sore throat which is apparently so bad that he will physically spasm if he tries to swallow. As a result, he been either sleeping or laying around on his phone. We are on day 4 of our vacation in a foreign country. He’s taken over the hotel room with his mess and housekeeping can’t even come in because he won’t leave the room.

I’ve been running around all week getting him medicine, porridge, getting us water, etc. I’ve been trying to keep it together and make the best of it, but something just snapped today. We got in a fight. He accused me of not thinking his sickness is a big deal. I told him I don’t think it is but despite that I have been running around like his personal slave regardless. I offered taking him to a clinic or hospital every day and he refuses. If it weren’t for me, he would have refused to get medicine too. He just doesn’t do anything.

He says he’s sorry he can’t meet my standards as if I’m asking so much from him. He says he hasn’t been able to sleep well and he’s in pain so he hasn’t prioritized being a good partner. He says that he appreciates everything I’ve done but I want him to engage and he doesn’t want to and there’s nothing for him to engage with.

After all that he’s suddenly ok to leave the room so housekeeping can clean. I’ve been crying so he left to get food. Housekeeping of course came into the room just after so I had to explain via google translate why I was crying my eyes out. Im so mortified and deflated 😔

Edit: A BIG THANK YOU to everyone for the replies. I really appreciated reading the comments, and I think a kick in the behind was what I needed. I felt super poopy after crying so I took a day to sleep. I think he either found this post or realized just how mad I am because he’s left me alone and also stopped groaning out loud.

For those that suggested getting him meds, he already has pain relievers, lozenges, and throat spray. Since he has the essentials, a working phone, and is a grown adult. I am going to go out by myself tomorrow.

Thank you again for the empathy, and in some cases, the wake up call that we are both adults. I got caught up being so frustrated that I just felt stuck. I’m going to get a big glass of sangria tonight and enjoy tomorrow.

in TwoXChromosomesby clarityperception

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OryxTempel

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All Hail Notorious RBG

Seriously. A sore throat does not equal incapacitated. Guy is perfectly capable of getting his own food/meds and staying in the room. JFC this makes me so angry. OP YOU ARE NOT A SERVANT.

Anticode

243

Some basic care/concern is expected ("expected" - anticipated, perhaps) in any relationship, friendship or otherwise, but that's a two-way street. I would absolutely not expect my partner to tend to me with a level of care beyond what you'd get at a hospital, and I'd be flattered if they wanted to make me some soup or something.

But... I would almost immediately feel guilt if they were investing more than a handful of minutes into my care. Especially if those acts are merely symbolic (eg: It feels good to have someone fluff a pillow for your comfort, but it doesn't really help the sickness itself - it says "I care" more than it says "This will help").

Once the point has been made I'd be trying to push them to go enjoy life without me. Nobody needs hours of "care" and attention. Especially if they don't feel sick enough to seek medical aid on their own. That's just pointless emotional greed. I'd probably even argue that it's a sort of emotional blackmail - "Waaah, I'm sick. You have to care for meee."

Anyone who cares half as much about their partner as their partner is showing to them would be trying to shoo them out the door in the first hour, apologizing for messing things up, promising that "some pictures of you [doing the thing] will make me feel better", etc. The moment I realized my partner felt like she "had" to take care of me, I'd be trying to convince her to go out and have fun, not to worry about me, and thank her for helping out. Maybe I'm insane, but to me that feels like how most people would react.

Unless this whole thing is a bizarre, uncharacteristic anomaly, I think it probably represents an immense red flag. He's probably utilizing similarly unfair expectations/demands in daily life, dividing chores/expectations along gender roles, displaying insecurity when masculinity is threatened, so on. If you're bad enough to do one of the behaviors on the 'massive list of shit-tier relationship stuff' list, you're pretty likely to be doing many more. It's practically a certainty.

Even if I assume everything OP is describing is an exaggeration (and the opposite is probably true - it's likely worse than "just" this), his choice to respond by whining about his circumstances despite her obvious, time-consuming attempts to help and show concern tells me that there's probably a lot more bullshit going on behind the scenes. If this isn't a manifestation of his typical behavior, it's a manifestation of his true nature.

I'm not saying break up... But I am saying "take a step back and squint a bit".

KongKing3751

A lot of men are unable to properly state their emotions. This guy probably enjoys being cared for but doesn’t know how to ask for that in his daily life, so he’s trying to milk the shit out of it. It also could be that bad if he has strep throat, as women have stronger immune systems due to the presence of estrogen.

Fit_Try_2657

So what, we’re supposed to coddle them as a result? Oh poor you, you can’t express your emotions so I have to read your mind and then take care of you like a baby/be a servant and miss out entirely on my vacation? F that.

KongKing3751

-2

Lmao relax, when did I say that? There are people violently overreacting to this when it could probably be solved with just a conversation, people like you lol

ReferenceSwimming741

I get where you coming from but with all due respect, if roles were reversed… I’ve seen enough women suffer from PCOS or endometriosis, and mind you… Heavy cramps are already a pain in the ass on their own during our period. I’m blessed to have a hubby who truly does try his best to keep it in consideration but it’s 50/50 since we’re human and ofc I don’t go shouting that I’m in pain or something. My period isn’t announced you know lol. PS: There’s enough simulators out there that have proven when put on men to showcase the pain of period cramping, that they can’t tolerate it and start whining. It’s no joke yet society expects us to just keep going. And honestly I frankly don’t expect to be treated by hubby the way OP was doing it during my period.. Just keeping it real.

KongKing3751

-3

Again, when did we start the pain and suffering olympics in here? I’m just saying that people in this thread are really overreacting? I tried to give an explanation behind why he might be acting the way he is.

And there’s a general trend of women complaining that their S/O overreacts when he gets sick, but did y’all know that estrogen is a massive immune response enhancer? Maybe your partner actually does have it worse when he’s ill.

And if you’re gonna say that strep is nbd, I have cluster headaches which make the max setting on those pain simulators look like a joke (I have tried). I would rather have a cluster headache than the worst case of strep I’ve personally experienced. Maybe he does just really feel bad, people telling her to divorce him over this make no damn sense if he’s otherwise a good partner.

On a scale of relationship issues this shit is like a 5 at most, where is the emotional maturity here

ReferenceSwimming741

I just gave an explanation since you mentioned people overreacting here. So I’m not playing devils advocate, just giving the opposite side’s view based in context on what OP wrote down. And I frankly thought I explained both sides. No way did I mention whose pain is worse. Just saying that you’re assuming things on your own now buddy. And I know the effects all too well so I get your explanation of the opposite side. Especially since my own hubby has similar issues. Hope you’re doing well tho!