How do I, an "asian" woman, not get creeped out by my bf's asian preference?

“Why does he like you?” is the question you need to get answers to.

“Insert Asian characteristics here” or anything specifically about you? If latter - sure, if former hell no. Not because of race or whatever but because “I” don’t exist there.

At least personally that is what I would do.

Everybody is entitled to having their preferences. That doesn’t mean you have to “provide it” so to speak. And you are also entitled to feeling creeped out by someone fetishising billions of people.

I was once with a guy, Boricua for reference, who slowly revealed that he EXCLUSIVELY «did» Korean women, but he would accept me although I’m a «mutt» (his words), because my other half of genes besides Korean is a northern european indeginous group, and because he liked that I was a redhead. Yeah. I walked away and lever looked back. I’m skeptical of men to begin with and mostly go with women, but add fetishizing me down to a science and percentages and it made my hair stand. How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? I mean who talks like that?

I think a lot of the bad men get uncomfortable when you ask them how they feel about having an Asian son? Because many of them have never thought of asianness as anything other than hot woman. How do they feel about having a child that's going to spend their life as an Asian man? 

If he's worth his salt at all he's going to say he wants his son's to be half their mom, and she's perfect, so they're going to be perfect too. If he has to think about it then he has a lot of work to do before he can be a true partner to you.

A lot of people have bad things about them that they have to grow out of and change. And if you feel a REAL unmistakeable connection with this guy through years of dating and seeing him be dumb as shit, then it might be worth it to help him change even if he is bad.

Your relationship should feel like you're two blobs who love and care for one another 95% of the time. Your bodies don't matter, let alone your race. Like with family. You deserve a love like that. And if you have that love with him then I would not worry about it.

I work with men who have outright stated that they prefer Asian women because they are more submissive and tend to stay thin. I really wonder about these guys.

The one dude I knew like this turned out to be secretly an extremely racist person.

I'm half Chinese, half white. I really don't mind if who I date has a physical type. However I see that as a TYPE not a racial preference. My husband has dated many 'races' (so weird to type this) but typically there are a few similarities that have nothing to do with race but with what he finds attractive.

So a man who exclusively dates only Asian women? It's a bit creepy. But does he make you feel fetishized ? Is he creepy? Does he expect you to fit into racist stereotypes of subservience and service? Does he fixate so much on Asian women that he cannot see any other race of women are actually human beings who can be interesting and charismatic also?

or is he just attracted to his physical type? Only you know the answer to this. If you're suspicious, your gut may be telling you something. Just talk to him honestly and ask why he loves you.

people are allowed to have preferences, but it's completely valid for you to feel creeped out by these preferences

ETA because I feel like it fits here, I did know someone who would say things like "I prefer Asian women because theyre respectful, theyre traditional, they're not like white women..."

Just something to watch out for. It's stereotyping, even if they're considering it positive.

Anytime I see anyone whose exes all look too similar, I get weirded out. It could be a fetish, could be they’re trying to recreate the one who got away or it could just be that they have very strong visual preferences and that’s their most important criteria in a partner. In any of those cases, ICK.

I had the same thought process at the beginning of my relationship. I'm Japanese-American engaged to a white man.

Two things reassure me here. First, his last serious relationship before me was with a white woman, so it's not like he has a pattern.

Second, we've been deliberately building up our relationship based on things we can do together. We're both musicians and we perform together sometimes. That helps, so I feel reassured it's not about what I look like.

I am not Asian; I am extremely pale and tomboyish/borderline goth, I wear glasses, and I come off as dominant. Because of these things, I endure people fetishing my skin for being “porcelain” or “doll-like” saying that my skin makes me look innocent and that they could taint me, my glasses for being “a nerd who’s probably wild in bed,” a brooding girl who they hope cuts, and a “dommy mommy.” When I was extremely underweight, it was being “slim like a girl” (I.e., pre-teen). All of these have disgusted me and shaped what I avoid in others.

I got grossed out to the point of just losing all attraction to an ex of mine who was OBSESSED with Korean women and Madison beer. He followed SO MANY Korean egirls and plastic models that I struggled to like him anymore, despite him being kind to me, and my realization was that I don’t want to be with somebody who fetishizes people and whose likes/personalities are easily influenced by the photoshopped and highly curated media they see online, whether I check off the list of what they want to conquer or not. Personally, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m competing — whether I’ve won, lost, am currently competing, etc, and I don’t want my partner to like me because of some surfaced “type” or fetish where he feels like he’s living a fantasy by being with me nor feel like I’m always going to be compared or not even on the same level as some fetish he has.

That is not something I would ever try to shake. There’s people out there who will not look down on you for who you are and will respect who you are and see beauty in who you are, but without the fetish. The fetish is dehumanizing.

I can’t tell you how to not get creeped out. In my opinion, you are probably creeped out for good reason. The most I can suggest is to find out if it’s coincidental or if they really just have an Asian fetish and are with you as a form of conquering.

I’d find it weird that’s the only type he’s dated. It is weird to find only 1 race attractive enough to date. Sure, I prefer guys w brown eyes and brown hair, but I dated all sorts of different colorings.

Reviving a dead account just to comment on this lol.

So I’m also Asian American, and i’ve worked mostly in/around Asian American non-profits, and so this is a conversation that happens a lot. I think there’s two sides of this “coin”: your perception of the relationship, and his reasoning for a relationship.

On the first, it’s happened on more than one occasion where a friend of colleague of mine has stumbled into this exact situation with a partner, and had their whole perspective shift on the relationship as a result. It’s not dissimilar to finding out a partner cheated to be honest. Fetishes (specifically asian ones) tend to be rooted in racism and white supremacy. Not accusing your partner of anything, but it’s a very common trend. Either way, it’s up to you to decide if knowing he has an asian fetish shifts your perception enough to be irreparable.

The second half of this is how he perceives you as an individual and his reasoning. The thing with Asian fetishes is that it’s rooted in both racism and misogyny. I don’t want to shatter glass (or again, accuse him of anything), but there is a scarily common trend of men with Asian fetishes essentially seeing women (not even just Asian women) as lesser. If you can reflect upon why it is he likes you and is interested in you, this is again and area that will cause a shift in perception. People of all races bring value to relationships regardless of their race, but if it seems like it is rooted in your race, I would personally reconsider.

I guess going back to your main question, it’s not up to you to “not get creeped out” or “get over it”. His actions and habits caused you discomfort. It’s up to him to settle your concerns, and if he can’t and you’ve decided it’s a dealbreaker, then that’s that.

My ex admitted his preference for Asian woman when we were early in our relationship. I'm not Asian. You're creeped out because... It's creepy. 

you do not get comfortable with it. i am asian (half Japanese) and let me tell you that when someone has a racial preference like that it is normally a huge red flag and should be taken seriously. it is normally because of some sort of fetishization which is normally a sign of some sort of racial stereotyping and possibly even sexist mindset or belief based on that racial stereotyping. i have spoken to and net several people with a preference for asian women and this has been true in every case. so what you do whether you continue to be in a relationship with this man or not is up to you but it is not something that you should ever let yourself become comfortable with. if you start to turn a blind eye to that kind of behavior it will open a door for you to let other bad behavior and viewpoints slide too.

I find a lot of guys who openly talk about their "racial preferences" almost always have some good old-fashioned racism and sexism backing it up. Like guys who fetishize Eastern women for being "submissive" and hate Western women for being "masculine." These men treat women like they do places. They're just tourists looking to have a good time at your expense.

I always say. If someone only dates a particular race, which is their preference and they are not that race themselves nor did they grow up around that.

Then it's most times a red flag. Or something to be suspicious about. Cause it's usually built by stereotypes or expectations

This isn’t an answer to the question you asked but I will say I do find it a bit unsettling that you started your post with “I’m not Asian” but you are genetically half. I’m half Chinese half Italian/irish and I have always proudly described myself as both Asian and white. You don’t need to erase who you are just because of how/where you grew up. Just my two cents.

You don't have to get over it. It's allowed to be a dealbreaker for you. The fact that these guys are even telling you this, much less EXCLUSIVELY dating Asian women, speaks way more to a fetish than a "preference". People who prefer straight hair are not outright turning down curly haired men/women who are otherwise attractive. It's not a "type," it's objectification. You don't need to put up with it.

I always find it disgusting when they have to tell me they date 'big girls' on a date. Like no shit. Obviously we are here on a date I assume you are attracted to me. I didn't realize my being fat was the highest factor in their selection process tho. Dump his and move on to someone who likes you for you.

Benevolent racism is still racism

Are you me? LOL. I always considered signs of an Asian fetish to be a red flag but I also think it’s funny because anyone who thinks they are getting someone close to the ideal Asian stereotype is SADLY MISTAKEN and in for a shocking surprise when it comes to me

It’s strange that it’s race based, not physical features based. I’m a bi woman (currently in a hetero relationship). I find the features typically associated with “Asian” women very attractive, but I don’t find every Asian woman attractive. I also find some white, black, Latina, and Indian women attractive. Funny, I’ve never dated an Asian woman, but I have dated a Chinese man.

I’m afraid men who only date Asian women may be fetishizing them. I’m sorry!

Every time I read a question like this, I feel terribly sad because it reveals a serious problem with the way that society thinks of Asian people - they are happy to sexualize us, but we are not people to them.

I also like to think of this sort of question as a question about dating the wrong men, in general. I guess you should also ask yourself how you, as a woman, can avoid feeling creeped out by a man who exclusively dates any women, because there are so many misogynists out there or men who are adjacent in some of the thinking.

It really says more about the people judging your relationship than it does about your relationship.

I know a man who loves blondes, exclusively dates blondes. Now, even though he has a physical preference, he does treat all his partners like they are individual people. It is just that to the outside observer, it's hard not to see a pattern. He could have a fetish, or he could just have a preference.

I also know a woman who goes crazy for men who wear glasses.

And so on... .

We have p0rn and racism to thank for the way that people think when they look at Asian women. And I hate this. Because this mentality affects not just your confidence in dating, the people who will bother dating you (some people might avoid dating you altogether because society deems "Asian" to be some sort of deviant choice), but it also affects the way you are treated EVERYWHERE.

I wonder... . Would your question be different is you felt you had a connection to any sort of Asian culture -- because they are all different, and I guarantee you that none of the women in those cultures go about dating expecting to be treated poorly.

The only way you will know if the person you are dating is a decent human being is by getting to know them. If they really DO hang out with friends who will look you up and down and think racist thoughts, you should not date them because people share similar values with their friends.

You don’t have to stop finding it creepy. It’s one thing for a man to find you attractive, but if they have a history of exclusively dating “Asian”-looking women then it’s probably a fetish, regardless of how open they’re being with you about that. Feel free to stick to relationships where you aren’t a “type”.

I think any one who announces their visual preferences for a partner, to a partner, is behaving in a way which is demeaning and untactful.

In my experience as a mixed Asian woman - men who let “preferences” like this slip out in conversation do so because they think it’s flattering - BUT it always leads to uncovering deeper hidden capital R Racism later in the relationship once you’ve already invested time and emotions and may feel like it’s too late to bail. Find someone who sees you as a whole person. Don’t rationalize that because it’s an “aesthetic preference” and not a full blown fetish that it’s okay for you to continue to be creeped out. Listen to your intuition.

Not an overreaction. As a Black woman, I've dated cocoa connoisseurs. The thing I do is look for the following to avoid the creeps:

1. Exclusivity - "I only date ..." Not alone a problem but ask why. His answer may reveal a fetish or stereotype. This is different from "I've dated different kinds but I prefer ..." When you think about it, that's a fair statement. Just be sure to ask why.

2. "I hope this isn't racist, but ..." He's racially insensitive for telling you something that he thinks is possibly racist.

3. "I always wanted to date a ..." One foot's out the door on that guy. Ask why, and pay attention if he starts bragging about all the different ethnicities of women he's been with."

It's all about the why, and it takes getting used to in order to drop those insecurities. If you haven't done this before, consider dating an Asian guy with a similar background to yours. There's some good ones out there. I know. I've dated a Filipino guy who was a really good guy. Distance was an issue.

Way beyond red flag for me. I noped out when a guy told me he moved to our area because he likes "little brown girls." For the record, when I'm not tanned, I am whiter than my English-rose-translucent-white-skinned coworker.

The guy ended up married to a Filipina. I hope it worked out for her.

Just be creeped out, it is justified and it is fine.

You wold be amazed how much more you will achieve when you stop finding excuses for shit guys. It will not be many of them left around you, but much better quality.

There's a big difference between having a looks based preference (imo, fine, everyone has this) and a preference based on perceived/generalised personality traits due to race. One is creepy, the other is not

I am sorry you need to deal with that stuff :(

But i guess it depends on the guy.

If it’s strictly aesthetic I don’t see a problem. Some people like blonde hair, some people like a tan complexion, some people like almond eyes, some people like curvy bodies.

If it goes beyond that like really immersing themselves into a different culture, hyperfocusing on stuff attributed as „foreign“ or in your case „Asian“, it’s definitely creepy.

Unfortunately there is no way of looking into a persons head, especially on a first date. One tell tale sign to avoid a fetishist could be:

if he had other girlfriends, were they all East Asian? If it is simply a PREFERENCE of a look/feature, he wouldn’t be hyperfocused on it. Sure maybe he’d have approached Asian girls more often, but liking someone visually is not what leads to a relationship. Unless he’s really shallow, in which case maybe you shouldn’t be with him either.

Another thing that might help you is watching how much he tries to inquire about the cultural differences. Of course it’s sweet to try to bond with your partner by being interested in their heritage and being integrated in their family, but You said you aren’t connected to your culture and don’t speak the languages, so after your partner finds out about that, there is no reason to to further press that topic. If he brings it up anyways, you can be sure that „asianness“ is on his mind a lot.

Additionally you can try dating people from other cultures too (if you haven’t done that already) because correct me if I am wrong but I feel like white men are more prone to fetishize someone because they feel „exotic“, other mixed people or minorities might be more likely to relate to your worry of being fetishized, having been through similar situations.

Good luck to you, the dating market is hell ❤️

You might be right to be skeeved out. Sure, it's fine to have a preference but sometimes it is actually creepy. 

You want to be a person, not another collectible from someone's favorite toy line. 

I've heard a lot of anecdotes suggesting that guys with an Asian fetish are really likely to cheat, often repeatedly and with multiple partners.  

Anecdotal, of course, so don't go throwing accusations around without proof. But maybe something to keep an eye out for.

Anytime someone says they are attracted to a certain “type” (race, height, hair color, age, etc.) it is creepy IMHO because they are attracted to the “idea or object” and not the person.

No. It's creepy. I (caucasian F) dated a person years and years ago that thought back men should be with black woman, white men should be with white woman. And Asian men should be with Asian women. Why? The penis size fits the corresponding vagina size.

He figured black women had the biggest, most cavernous vaginas to accommodate their races men's "ginormous" penis sizes and so on and so forth.

He was a white man. I was the only white woman he had been with. His whole family was surprised he was with a white woman.

Needless to say he cheated on me with an Asian woman. No hard feelings to her. She didn't know he was with me.

I did not care whatsoever about his penis size but I was terribly insecure when he cheated on me because my stupid brain just said "he thinks you're like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. You're not good enough for him."

15 years later my perspective has obviously changed on that situation and he was just fetishizing Asian women and found a way to hurt me when he cheated whilst telling on himself about what he thought of his peen.

Turns out I'm gay anyways. HI BESTIEEE! I'm glad he's happy with his life now but he had a very creepy, fetishized, and racist mindset.

All female characteristics are just a fetish for men.

As an Asian, I find it creepy. Also as someone who used to be into anime, it’d be extra creepy bc the guys at conventions 100% had a fetish.

Never dated a non Asian.

I'm Asian. I have male cousins (also Asians) who date exclusively other Asians because it's easier to blend families and they want to be with someone who is culturally similar. In that aspect, I think having race preference makes sense.

If a white guy tells me they only date Asian girls, I see that as fetishizing and would be creeped out by it.

Can you ask him to be really honest with you? What it is about asian women that attracts him?

It may be that when he was young, there was an asian woman in his life that was kind, loving, appealing to him in a way he couldn't understand, and now he's attracted to that in a romantic partner.

My partner is a ginger, and I'm attracted to gingers (because of experiences in my youth with a ginger that I found really hot imprinted on me, I'm aware of this, but I don't think I "fetishize" gingers) but the funny thing is I didn't know my partner was a ginger when we met, because he had a shaved head. His facial hair looked more "dark blond" or "auburn", didn't come across as ginger to me. When I saw pictures of him when he was young and found out he was a ginger, it was strange, because I didn't know that when we got together, and I find it funny now.

For his part he admits (regularly) that he loves the look of men with dark hair and beards (my ancestry is german / eastern european, at birth my hair was totally black, despite my parents and siblings ALL being white blond as children, growing into darker brown as they got older) so it goes both ways. 23 years together and going strong :-) but both of us have mostly gray hair now :-)

i dont have much advice but i feel the same as a product (child) of what you describe. irks me out on a primal level. i love my parents but i just cant get over it. and i dont think were crazy either.

Ummm.

Do you mean fetish?

Because that is creepy.

I totally understand thinking certain physical traits are attractive. But, when you reduce someone to a single trait, that's gross.

Like:

"I don't care about you as a person, I just like the phenotypical traits of your ancestry. I can just drop in anyone with those traits..."

🤮

Not advice, but just an opinion: anyone whose skin-deep (literally) preferences are their highest filter in selecting relationship partners is highly sus.

I have ‘preferences’ on a purely aesthetic level, but it doesn’t drive the goddamn bus. I’ve hit my aesthetic preferences just once and after a few weeks of feeling super lucky, it soon was the just the same old relationship stuff that came to the front.

It is VERY creepy.

It's the main reason I didn't date white guys.

I only went on two dates with white dudes when I was in my 20s, and they both made me feel so fetishized. Like they would tell me how they had dated women of all different kinds. Like OK, bruh.

But seriously, it feels so demeaning. I'm South Asian, and one guy I went on a date with my friends kinda warned me he was hung up on desi girls. It felt gross.

Do yourself a favor and avoid these men like the plague.

He doesn't like you as a person, he likes you as a type, just as someone will go to a dog breeder for a specific breed. Don't you want to be loved and appreciated as an individual? You don't need to accept this, you can search for someone who meets YOUR needs, not just you meeting his.

Like on one hand, if they're not expecting you to act like a submissive waifu, part of me feels like them simply being attracted to Asian girls isn't much different than my husband being attracted to white girls with big butts. He likes what he likes physically, and he likes me for me so he got lucky that personality and physical traits were both compatible for him.

But I don't think you should see yourself as "just another Asian in a line of many". Would guys have to date entirely different types of women to make you feel like an individual? Or are you all alike in other ways besides being of Asian descent? Does your boyfriend engage with you on things that are your individual interests? Does he compare you to his past girlfriends in negative ways?

I think it's sometimes easy to feel like we're reduced to our body parts when really fit our partners preferred aesthetic, but don't forget that you are also attracted to him too. Does he share any features with your previous partners? Or fit into an aesthetic that you're into? If so, I'm sure you don't see him as just another dude in a line of dudes.

Have you talked to him about what it is about Asian women he finds attractive? Maybe that would help you feel a little better.

Okay, I’m going to attempt to phrase this as best as I can. I don’t mean to blame Asian women but moreso acknowledge that people tend to go where they’re wanted. I’m not Asian but notice that a lot of Asian women prefer white men. I have a lot of Asian female friends and they all date white men exclusively.

I find that Asian woman, at least where I live, are the only group that tend to prefer dating outside their race then inside. In the sense that if I see an Asian woman, regardless of what she looks like, I would assume she prefers white men. Whereas for any other race, I would only make that assumption based on their physical/personality attributes.

Given how difficult dating is for everyone these days, I think white men feel as though they have a better chance with Asian woman compared to white women and therefore may be more likely to approach Asian women, with the assumption that they won’t get rejected.

I’ve also noticed that when I see a white man who I think would have a hard time in the dating world, if he’s with a woman, she’s often Asian. Again, I think this makes men assume that they have a better chance with Asian woman.

Some men absolutely festishize Asian women for being petite, submissive, and having “traditional” values. But I think there another large chunk of white men who are insecure and struggling in the dating world and find dating Asian women to be easier. Which leads to a positive reinforcement loop.

I don’t think you should accept this. If it’s making you feel a certain way you shouldn’t anyway.

Sounds like the type of guy who watches exclusively porn with Asian women being dehumanized. Extreme cases of this lead to the massage parlor shooting in Atlanta Georgia a few years ago

White men who “prefer” Asian women are the ultimate red flag. You are a fetish to him.

I get where you're coming from, from a standpoint of being a commonly fetishized type. But if I'm being honest, a lot of us are commonly fetishized types. I'm obese, and yeah, they're are guys who have a fetish for that, or for super thin, athletic, or for black people, Hispanic women, particular hair colors, etc.

And yet, there can also be preferred types that are NOT fetishist. I have a couple preferences of my own. My husband isn't exactly any of my physical types - though I'm certainly attracted to him. I think that's one litmus test. If he will not consider anyone who doesn't fit his narrow parameters, that's a red flag.

You've mentioned another - if he expects stereotypical behavior from you, it's about his fetish, his fantasy, not you as a person. I would generalize that into whether he treats you with respect as a whole person.

There is a very important distinction here for what having an "asian preference" means.

Nobody can help what they're attracted to. Whether that's certain ethnicities, a personality trait, or the person's gender. People like what they like.

If a woman isn't into shorter men and dates only taller guys, should her tall boyfriend feel creeped out? Of course not. That's just what she's attracted to in a partner. That sucks for those short guys, but thinking a woman is creepy just for being attracted to a certain physical trait would be absurd.

If that's all there is to it, viewing it from that perspective can help.

That being said, asian women absolutely are frequently fetishized. Like, a lot. The only way to deal with that is to learn to recognize the red flags so you can bail.

My ex never lived a day in Mexico, but 100% referred to herself, and considered herself, Mexican. Both of her parents had been raised there before coming to the States. While it brings up questions of what it even means to be a “nationality,” I wasn’t going to question that identity or certainly argue with it.

When someone living in the US (for example) says they are Asian or Portuguese or Mongolian, etc, they don’t necessarily mean they lived there. In fact they rarely mean that. It’s more of an ethnic identity. Your definition of Asian is likely not what most people define it as, someone who lived in Asia for some amount of time, even though it is of course perfectly logical to use your definition.

In the context of a dating preference, when someone states an ethnic preference, they likely mean mostly in physical attributes, but possibly to some degree in perceived personality and cultural traits. As far as appearance, we can’t really judge people for being attracted to who they are attracted to. And ethnically derived traits could certainly fall into that category.

As for perceived personality and culture, there’s a lot more gray area. Way more room for incorrect stereotypes, fetishizing, etc.

The point is that unless there is very obvious fetishizing behavior (wish I could find the post from years ago from a black woman who found out she was very obviously being fetishized as an example), it’s hard to distinguish between that and genuine attraction preferences. If you believe there are disingenuous reasons your bf prefers ethnically Asian women, address it or leave him if you can’t get by it. And to be clear, fetishizing is disgusting behavior. But it’s not some clear line separating it from harmless preference/ attraction.

Like, I’m only attracted to women, like many people. Does that mean everyone who is exclusively attracted to women is fetishizing them? Obviously not. But I’m not attracted to all women, or even all types of women. How narrow does the category of people we are attracted to have to get before we automatically call it fetishizing? That’s the point, is that it’s not about the characteristics someone is attracted to, but why. And that’s what makes it hard to define and distinguish, even though one is harmless and natural, and one is gross and demeaning. Don’t know if that’s helpful, but I guess it’s just about what makes you believe it’s fetish and not just acceptable preference.

I’m hafu too. Honestly, it depends on the situation. If the guy likes Asian girls the same way someone else might like blondes, that’s one thing. If they talk about submissive women, weird anatomical difference myths, or view me as the final piece to their Asian culture fetish collection, that’s the end for them.

That said, I also got some weird reactions when I lived in Japan. There are creeps everywhere and we are not required to fulfill any emotional support waifu pillow fantasies.

I mean I am an Asian woman who near-exclusively dated Asian men. I think there was a very short, brief fling with a nonAsian in my 20s.

For me, I wanted someone who didn't look at me and think "Asian" but rather saw a person, a woman first. Because I was raised in a bubbled diaspora, I think of myself as the default, so I wanted someone else who would look at me first as who I am, not my ethnicity

It's racist but you gotta consider if you'll accept your partner's racism. My exes knew I dated Asians, my husband knows my thoughts and feelings on this. Maybe some Asian who had a problem with me dating only other Asians with the Asian American experience may not have been cool with it, but then we wouldn't be suited for each other anyway.

It’s totally natural to be grossed out. Listen to your gut instinct because it’s not just a preference, there are so many layers of white supremacy and racism behind it.

You don't, you are not over reacting, it is creepy as hell.

There is no distinction between aesthetic preference and true fetish when it comes to solely liking women from a country they are not from and a culture they are not accustomed to, only in the magnitude of fetishisation.

People are entitled to have racially specific preferences, but unless its with your own ethanicity or with one that you have grew really accustomed to, it is always some degree of fetishisation.

Think about why their dating history is like that and why they just have to tell you that they prefer Asian women.

First off: Given the context you've provided, it's totally fine to be creeped out. This sounds a lot more like a fetish than a "preference". Even if they're not fetishizing asian cultural stereotypes, but just the appearance, it still sounds fetishizing.

What physically about asians do they prefer over other women? Honestly. If you think about it in that context, it starts to become a little suspicious. This isn't "I have a preference for blonde hair" or "I have a preference for tall men" having a preference specifically for an ethnicity starts to tread into some questionable territory. Most (not all) asians have dark hair. But he didn't say "I have a preference for dark hair". There are specific physical characteristics exclusive to asian women that you partners have. And that's the point where it starts to seem a little skeevy. Even if they don't express their racial biases to you, there could absolutely be some internalized perceptions of how asian women "traditionally" behave, that have burrowed into their subconscious desires without fully reaching the surface of their cognition. And then, if you fail to meet those perceptions, they may start to build resentment for you, even without them being aware of it, because deep down they want you to fit a mold and you're not doing it. This can lead to problems with performance later in life, and even potentially cheating because they aren't satisfied with the relationship, and may not even fully know WHY they aren't.

Preferences are fine- nobody should be shamed solely for the physical quirks they find attractive. For example, I have a preference for short hair. That doesn't mean I won't date someone with long hair, but if I'm on a dating app and I scroll past someone with short hair, I might feel more inclined to look at their profile because of that physical detail than I would if their hair was longer. That's not a statement to their attractiveness or a strike against them, it's simply one of those small physical details that catches my eye and stokes my interest a little more.

But that's not the same thing as fetishizing those physical details when they correspond to a specific race of people, and the physical qualities inherent in that race. At that point, it stops becoming about a physical detail about the individual, and becomes a broad physical category they fall into, and painting a prospective partner with a broad brush is very offensive.

tl;dr: There's nothing wrong with preferences, but people need to look at the root of those preferences, particularly when they're preferences exclusive to a particular race that they predominantly or exclusively date.

Some of the comments here disgust me as an asian woman. People here are really defending this Asian "preference" ugh. Anyways please watch put for these men. They just see us as exotic toys.

Race is not comparable to hair color since race has way more of an impact of how people preview an individual's character and status.

I've seen how both Asian men and women get put in this subservient but strong but ultimately subservient pedestal and my god do some of these comments piss me off. And those people that bring up Asians that only date white people? I'm sorry but how does their existence negate the rest of us being fed up with this fetishization? I swear it's gonna be generations more of this bullshit as long as much of Asia is seen as part of the global south.

All other aspects of the very serious thing you understandably want to figure out aside,I wanted to say...

From someone thats just as genetically and culturally asian as you:

Girl, you're asian. Stop saying you're not.

I'd say having an aesthetic preference is different from a fetish. As long as they aren't idealizing some racist caricature / see you as a person, it's sort of the same as preferring brunettes to blondes?

But ultimately, it's completely up to you if you're comfortable with someone having that preference, because you're the one in the relationship with the person. See how he treats you (and how he talks about other people who might look similar to you) versus people in his own ethnic bracket. If there's a discrepancy, be on alert.

This is my experience from a 'mixed' family (caucasian + cantonese.)

You dont. Men that think like this don't see women as actually people. More like items to collect. It's a red flag.

as an asian, i will not date people who only date asians. unless there are valid reasons for it, that's a red flag. especially if they only date one type of asian, and don't recognise non-east asian ethnicities as "asian".

and if "asian" is the reason they chose you, then fuck that. it can be the reason for asking you out in the beginning, sure. but not the reason for continuing to be with you.