For the past month and a half I’ve been coming to my senses. My rose colored glasses started to fall off. I began seeing how much effort I out into the relationship, catering towards him and planning dates and itinieraries while he did 0. Not even a dinner reservation made, dinner would turn into just simply refueling. Espn constantly on every time I’m around. I sat him down and said I’m not cool with this and if he continues to put in 0 effort then I’m going to walk away. So that weekend he downloaded a dating app and I caught him texting other women about his “sexual fantasies.” Literally what the hell. I broke up with him and not planning on seeing him every again but still struggling to make sense of this and understand this behavior.
Very likely a dude who is just seeking NRE. Minimal effort outlay, instant gratification and probably not good at self-awareness for what could work for them longer term. On the plus side, I didn't read any DARVO or other gaslighting.
NRE?
New relationship energy
Thank you!!
Well said.
User deleted comment
2mo
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Basically #1 weaponry for any narcissist.
Too lazy to even break up with her once she got fed up. Good riddance
This is the kind of thing I like to remind people of when they blame women for a breakdown of the family saying “women initiate most divorces.” Okay, sure, but have you tried not cheating, not beating, not screaming, doing some dishes and literally washing your ass? Or just reflecting on the relationship and leaving if you’re incompatible?
There’s a reason women leave, and the reason is men.
User deleted comment
2mo
lol ¿por qué no las dos? 🤣
A lot of guys don't like getting out of a relationship, without having another one lined up.
Literally sometimes it doesn't even matter who she is or if he likes her. Just there to fill his needs.
He was trying to replace you quickly. I guess it was easier than actually putting effort into you.
Thats crazy to me! How can someone live so selfishly!
My ex husband immediately went on a dating spree after I kicked him out and held up the divorce proceedings until he found a new victim. They really are insecure children.
I’d like to personally grow my next bf in a lab 😃
I dated a guy in college who married someone very quickly after we broke up. That didn't stop him from messaging me a few years later trying to tell me how he thinks I should live my life lol.
I had broken up with him because I was done. Completely done. I put in all the effort in our relationship. Then he turned around and tells me last minute he's moving across the country. But had no plan or even thought about how this move would impact our relationship.
It's wild how fast some people will move on. He got big mad when I wanted nothing to do with him.
Worth noting that they go to mad, not sad.
It's crazy because its general projection of some men onto a person they've never met.
Agreed. Therapy should be required!!!!
A lot of guys don't like getting out of a relationship, without having another one lined up.
I've heard this called "monkey-branching"
Redpillers use that for women. But .ost women i know are frankly too tired by every day life and baby sitting their men, to actually go on about building a backup harem on the waiting line... .
Tell that to my ex.
But seriously though, in pretty much all respects, this behavior is fundamentally no different from any other form of addiction. The drug of choice being validation. Almost by definition they aren’t picking good partners to move on to.
User deleted comment
2mo
Mhmm. It’s a means of escape; and one destined to fail, at that. The fix they get is from the attention, and the praise, and the validation. Cue the cycle of love bombing, idealizing, devaluing, and discarding.
Since the more highly we esteem a person, the more we value their praise and affirmation… the reverse is also true. Over time, a tolerance builds as reality comes seeping through. Because reality can’t hold a candle to the imaginary perfection of the limerant object… off they go to find it again.
Is that an offensive term? Just curious because I'm hesitant to use a term containing monkey if I don't know how it originated.
Imagine how a monkey swings from branches; it won't let go of the last one until it has a firm grasp on the next.
And so it is with these men and dating women; they don't let go of the last one until they have a firm grasp on the next.
Oh I see what you mean! I'd pictured it to mean he's refusing to let go of one woman until he's got a firm grasp on the next one, just like a monkey swinging through the trees. But yes, best to be careful.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Monkey%20Branching
Honestly this is behaviour is more akin to women than men.
[citation needed]
Would you ask the same when it was suggested that this is something men regularly do?
Both genders are guilty of this. Human beings are human beings. Often selfish. Let's not perpetuate bigotry.
I don't mean this in a mean way but please learn from this and never give any man who doesn't appreciate you any of your time and energy. Men need to show you with ACTIONS not words that they love you. Never ask a man to put effort into the relationship. If he doesn't put effort into you move on, cut him out of your life and ghost the heck out of him because a guy like that doesn't even deserve the dignity of being broken up with.
Agreed, definitely a lesson learned
As I've always considered: there's no love, there is only proof of love. You can say 1000 times "I love you," but it has no value unless actions are supporting those words.
The vast majority of us also had to learn this lesson by experiencing it firsthand. It's all but a rite of passage for women who date men.
You do an incredible job recognizing the reality of the situation youbwere in, communicating to him your needs, presenting him with an opportunity to change, and kicking his sorry ass to the curb when he did the unforgivable.
You broke the cycle and you'll be so much better prepared the next time. I know I was!
This. He never made any effort, so you were simply bringing him attention and affection without him committing to a relationship. He obviously doesn't want to make any effort and just wants women to bring him attention and sex without him doing anything different.
This. I am now a very skilled energy-matcher.
Never ask a man to put effort into the relationship.
That's not fair to say. Some people want more, others want less attention. They might also have a different love language. Instead of expecting things in a relationship, you should be able to communicate your wants and needs. That includes asking for more attention, dates, etc. that you feel are lacking.
If you've done that and still don't feel appreciated, I agree, gtfo of that relationship.
hell no. I don't believe in this world anymore in which women have to ask their partners for doing the bare minimum in a relationship. There is no human on this planet that doesn't want a partner to put effort in the relationship and this "love language" manipulation stuff doesn't cut it. you should weed out bad partners as quick as possible. a valid cause for communication would be "I like to be told every night good night via text " or "I don't want to kiss in public" not "can you please plan some activities as well and speak to me when we have a date".
+1
One person's idea of the bare minimum attention needed might be another's idea of being smothered. "Why would I do that?" could be met with, "Why would you?" That comes down to communication. Just going around expecting people to love like you do is really small-minded. Not to mention, some people are very willing to learn to treat you in a way that makes you feel the affection that already exists. If they're ignorant to how to do that then they literally can't. We learn how to love from others.
Definitely. Not to be both sides, but this is information for both partners in a relationship. The fear of being alone should not trump the fear of being rejected. Respect is a two way street, and our assumptions of respect are not always the same. Communication is key, and if boundaries are clear, then slights like this are huge.
The cycle of "mistake - therapy - content - mistake - therapy -... " shouldn't be tolerated if the mistakes are always immensely disrespectful. At some point, it seems "lack of communication" turns into "I just don't care enough anymore about consequences, and also f*** this person".
It's not gender specific. End this relationship and you both might become better people
don't mean this in a mean way but...
a guy like that doesn't even deserve the dignity of being broken up with.
Lol
You missed some context by cutting out 80% of their response. They meant they didn't mean it in a mean way to OP. OP's ex boyfriend is a shitty person from what we have heard, and I doubt they really care about being mean to an ass who doesn't put effort into a relationship, then cheats when he's called out. I would have thought that would be obviously implied, unfortunately some don't read things all the way through before commenting on them.
Well, you did tell him to put some effort in. Just the effort he made was to find someone who wouldn't call his bullshit.
I wouldn't waste your time trying to understand it, celebrate a bullet dodged, crap thrown out and get back on the horse.
Agreed he could never handle when people called him on his bs lol. Your comment made me laugh!
I swear to bob, every straight woman has to live through one of these relationships.
Proud of you for getting rid so quickly. Some of us are idiots and get to the stage where he buys the ring before we finally see the light.
They exploit the motherly instinct but not for providing their children but making themselves the children. But also want extra privileges like sex etc
Unfortunately he did not want the same things you did. Move toward what you want and you’ll likely get it. He would have kept you from meeting a person that can give you what you desire. Be done with him. “ If people show you who they are, believe them”.
We were in a relationship for 3 years. He told me he was saving up for a ring. I just dont understand what it is that he wanted then. Why be in a relationship for 3 years then? Why even bother to tell me hes saving up for a ring?! I will never understand but pray I will never face this type of person again
Because he liked the relationship you had, where you put all the effort in and he didn’t have to.
Your post is literally about you trying to change your relationship, he didn’t want to change version he wanted the original or nothing. He was saving up to buy a ring for the woman who catered to him constantly, planned all the dates and let him have ESPN in the background while she was there and you told him you weren’t going to be that woman anymore.
When you’re a kind person who treats someone well it is genuinely very confusing when another person, especially one that you love, just isn’t.
I’m guessing you’re in a lot of pain right now, heartbreak is truly awful, but I genuinely believe in the long run, you will be much happier without this man.
You hit the nail on the head with how I’m feeling. Very confusing and so sad to have been treated in this way by a person who I loved and said he loves me every day! I trusted those words!
This breakup has been a rollercoaster of emotions but things are starting to look up for me! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and its so nice to only have to think about myself and what I want. I feel like I’m getting closer to the life that I was meant to live. I get hit with sadness from time to time but I’ve also been happier since.
said he loves me every day!
No offense meant here, but words are ultimately very cheap. In his own way, he "loved" you, sure: he loved being the recipient of lots of affection, thoughtfulness, care, and effort without having to do the work of actually reciprocating any of that effort. Who wouldn't love that?
The second you told him that you weren't going to continue being an affection/care/attention dispenser with zero needs of your own, he immediately started looking elsewhere.
Yup
Very confusing and so sad to have been treated in this way by a person who I loved and said he loves me every day! I trusted those words!
A lot of people believe that someone who loves them will treat them well. The very sad fact is that for some people that just isn't the case.
It is very likely that he did love you in his own way and wasn't lying when he said he did. The problem is that what it means when you love someone and what it means when he does are different. His version involves being a lot more selfish and self-centered than yours does. His version is honestly a form of neglect, which is a form of abuse.
I'm not saying this because I want you to understand his side and forgive him. He has shown you who he is and you are better off without him. I'm saying this because I see too many people who confuse loving someone with being in any way good for them. He needs someone he can ignore most of the time and you need not to be ignored. You deserve not to be ignored. His version of loving you sucks. No matter how much you love each other that is just never going to be a good idea.
This is such an interesting point!
I’m so sorry for your pain. He’ll soon realize that he’s going to have to put in a lot of work for whatever new relationship he gets into (which I hear, is difficult for men nowadays). And no woman is going to want to put up with that! Delete and block his ass.
He was lying. Low effort men don't save up to buy rings. They do or say whatever they need to string people along and extract effort and labour from others whilst they coast through life.
- Probably wasn't saving for a ring.
- He's in the relationship because you put in a lot of effort even though he didn't. Good deal for him.
- There's lot of people like this.
Guys will literally hang around for years for regular sex and other needs met, even if they hate the woman.
It's hard to wrap you head around how someone can be that way, but many men are very transactional about relationships. The see us as appliances that are interchangeable.
If you decide you want to try again with one in the future, assume they are lying, ignore everything they say, and go by their actions only.
For example. I can say. I'm saving up for a ring for you. That took me all of 10 seconds to type, but it means nothing.
Never give one the benefit of the doubt. Do the very bare min for them as in not cleaning up after them, not cooking for them, buying them expensive gifts, vacations, etc.
I am so amazed at how much time, money, and effort women will put into a man who can't even bother to get her a birthday card.
It's really simple. Just look at the things they do. Everything they do either benefits him, you, or both of you. How many things does he do solely for himself? How many of these things impact you negatively, ie he had something important so he blew off some thing he promised to do for you? How much benefits the household if you live together? How many chores or home projects does he do? And what does he do that is just to benefit you? When he does these things does he expected something in return? If he shows you that he is a selfish person, he will lie to you. I don't want to tell anyone what to do, but I could not be in a relationship with someone selfish.
Yes the more you let men get away with. The more they will exploit it. Relationship though means two people putting near equal efforts
Men will even marry women they hate and just plan to get divorced later once the wheels have fallen off. Had a shocking number of men tell me this without a trace of shame.
This.
I just dont understand what it is that he wanted then.
He was getting what he wanted: sex, a lot of attention and effort from you, you made him the main character in the relationship ...... and he hardly had to lift a finger.
It was a win-win for him.
I don't think he was saving up for a ring. He told you that to keep you quiet and keep you serving him.
Don't give a man a hundred chances. Most men will listen to a woman nag for a long time as long as she is still doing everying thing in the relationship.
Maybe a 3 strike rule would be a good rule to live by. That way you'll weed out the selfish, lazy assholes out right at the beginning.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
If he selfishly put zero effort into you and your relationship, I highly doubt he's putting money away for a ring. And I'm sorry for that. My ex claimed to have saved up for the ring he got me, only I later learned it was actually the unwanted ring he'd gotten for his last girlfriend/would-be-fiancée. Perfect symbol for the relationship, really.
Ouch. That's meta in all the wrong ways. Did he literally admit that to you?
No, he didn't. We were at his parents' for dinner and his Mom told me she found it commendable that I didn't mind wearing that ring because most women wouldn't feel right about it. I'd always felt like something was off about the way he gave it to me, almost like he was ashamed, plus he hadn't really been saving for that long. The cost of the ring was not remotely important to me, but I did ask how he was able to get one so quickly. He claimed he'd stumbled upon an engagement ring sale at the mall. I never fully believed any of it, but I didn't think it was recycled. His mother assured me that that was definitely the ring she'd helped him select for his ex, but she assumed I knew. Because, you know, it couldn't be that her little prince was a lying piece of shit.
Well i guess off it goes for its 3rd try now! He might as well call it his failure ring!
He was getting something out of it with minimal effort. That is why he was there.
Women want to change him. And the man wants them to remain the same. But be glad you are not feeding to his pathological apathy no more. This relationship was lifted by your shoulders alone and that's unfair
I don’t know why they lie so effortlessly
Unfortunately it was very telling by his actions. It is better you know now if he cannot match your capacity. I’m sorry that your heart is hurting. Being married to this would hurt a lot more. Give yourself the love you deserve. ❤️
Agreed, a blessing in disguise!
He was your boyfriend, you were never his girlfriend. You were that chick that gave him sex and did nice things for him. Sorry this happened to you. (very much like the relationship of Dante and Veronica in the movie Clerks.)
When they show you repeatedly they don't care, most times, it's because, they don't care.
All people will go to the end of the earth for things they want. This guy probably became an expert in crypto or stonks or whatever nonsense interested him. You didn't interest him.
I agree. But just crazy to be uninterested 3 whole years! Why bother!? Just breakup with me then!
He's consistent. He won't put effort into anything, even the breakup lmao.
Its sad to me that people like that exist! Take charge of your life!!
because for 99.9999% of men, a relationship with a woman who they aren't really that interested in is INFINITELY preferable to being single, while for women it's the opposite.
Probably because it was convenient for him. He still got love and affection from you without having to do anything. Sounds like a sweet deal for him.
He wants out without telling you he wants out.
So he acts like a dick so you can break up and you are the bad guy and he's the innocent victim.
Oldest trick in the book.
So play his game and give him the boot.
Let me ask you a question. If a girlfriend told you this story, what would you say to her?
Because I'd high-five her and shout, "Whoohoo! The trash took itself out!"
So yeah, that's what I think about that.
The second I found his texts it was like a voice in my head was speaking to me “he did the hard part for you. Now I dont need to figure out a way to break up with him”
You've got this, kid!
Make an appointment for a spa day. You've earned it.
🤍🤍🤍
He did it on purpose to hurt you. he is a horrible man. Your life is better without him.
Struggling to make sense?
He wanted to be catered to, the loser. You put him on notice. He said oh, oh & started looking for his next mark. He’ll jump from you to his next host with no downtime. He’s LAZY.
Lazy checks out hahha
Equalizing behaviour - he felt you had more power after that talk, so he did something to make himself feel more powerful.
Reflecting back on our relationship I think him trying to feel more powerful was a constant. He actually blamed his cheating on his depression and on his friend’s dad death, because he was so sad and confused and not in control of himself due to his severe sadness.
Don't fall for it. Sounds like manipulative BPD bs. A man who grieves about himself don't go around clowning on tinder
Exactly what I thought! 🗑️
Like it's not even drinking a night in a lowly bar or something. It takes deliberate effort and a clear mind and mood to go in the entire flirting process and courting new girls. That's not depression, that's greedy decompression.
100% agreed. He had to download the app, sift through photos on his phone, photos of me, put together his profile and then put in time to message girls on the app to then text via phone. Makes me sick to my stomach
not in control of himself due to his severe sadness.
Aww, diddums.
He didn't want to put in effort. He wanted a woman to provide free labor and sex without any expectations from him in return. You're not that woman anymore, so he wants to find a new one to trick and enslave until she gets tired of it too.
I agree he had unrealistic expectations. I didnt even understand where they were coming from. I told him he either watched too many movies or too much corn. God bless his next girl.
If god blesses her, she won't be his 😂
Daamn. This roast hit hard
He was trying to "flex" and probably wanted you to catch him texting other women so you would see how "lucky" you were he was tolerating you.
Good job in not falling for his bs move as he would have just kept walking over you even harder if you had.
Good riddance to that one.
You called him out on his lack of effort. He doesn't want to step up, so he went shopping for your replacement. Wants to make sure he has someone else lined up for when you kick him to the curb.
Take the garbage out, and enjoy your badass self!
This is the hard lesson we all have to learn at some point. A mans ACTIONS are a direct correlation to how he feels about you and once you learn this it becomes infinitely easier to walk away when you notice the signs. Don't even waste your breath explaining anything. THEY KNOW. Trust me. He knows he's not buying you flowers and planning dates and just being a lazy SOB in general. And he'll milk it for as long as you let him while enjoying the sex, attention, and dates you plan. I cringe looking back at the breadcrumbs I accepted in the past and the excuses I made.
Take it as a lesson learned and do better in the future to (silently, because he doesn't care anyways) walk away from low effort lazy men, that's all you can do.
His behavior is he’s childish and wants a bangmaid, and will disappoint woman after woman unless he grows up. Oh well. You’re better off
Bangmaid. Fuckmommies. The lingo gets more creative by the day Lol
Fuckmommies is the first time I’ve heard this- I dig it lol
Yeah fuckmommy. The magical being that makes your bed, washes your dirty underwear, loves your sorry ass altruistically for just existing, and also blows you like a pornstar. Now comes with a free cookbook as well.
Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.
I like that
Bastard. Well, off he fucks. Don't forget to get tested for STDs.
https://mappingabetterlife.com/common-signs-of-a-parasitic-narcissist
https://i.imgur.com/ECm1ZlK.png
"They have no qualms about suddenly ending the relationship and moving on"
every parasite I've dated (men are socialized into doing this to women) when I've asked for the bare minimum after they've done nothing they've all chosen to bail rather than lift a finger.
It's tied to misogyny and toxic gender roles. They feel sick at the thought of reciprocating in order to get services from women. "Be KIND to my servant???"
Great learning experience to bring into your future. From now on, be watching for this from the beginning. If the effort is unequal, it will only get worse through time.
"Why does he do that?"
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Wow thanks for the book! Reading now ❤️
I always wonder why the guys that barely put any effort always gets girlfriends
but still struggling to make sense of this and understand this behavior.
You were a convenience to him and he was using you. That's as deep as his shallow puddle mentality is. Things were easier and pleasant because of you.
Your relationship was already over, he just never told you about it so he could squeeze the last bit of effort out of you.
Good for you that guy was draining you/
You were hard to ‘control’, had expectations of him, and he thought he’d get back at you. Jokes on him. It’s a learning for you: don’t waste time on people that don’t value you.
Sounds like he is not emotionally connected in this relationship. I feel that most men don't really like their girlfriends/wives after a while and might just stick around because we keep giving them the benefits without them having earned them. Idk...It's weird but his actions give off that impression I guess. Stop struggling to understand why, and accept that you are worth of a partner that will put in the same amount of energy into your connection ,as you would. Don't settle for crumbs. Good luck.
Good point. If it wasn't for the sex, most of those champs, wouldn't even bother to pretend dragging it along anymore... .
Partnerships don't have to be exactly 50/50 but there needs to be give an take on both peoples parts. Yeah, sometimes life happens and one person needs to carry more of the load, but it sounds like you were dating someone who wanted you to do all the work and him to get all the benefit.
Like other people are saying, learn from that experience.
If quite a lot of women are taught to believe to serve men and he can probably find a woman who will let him do everything he wants and serve him, ultimately he's going to go find that. Be on the lookout sooner for someone who puts zero effort in and wants you to do everything and break up earlier.
He wasn't looking for a partner but a bangmaid and when you talked back you became too much work for him.
An actual partner will build a life with you, a guy like that wants you to just build your life around him.
Sadly, he was not really into you. When a man really likes you, he will actively pursue you. If he's not actively pursuing you and making his feelings about you completely obvious, then it's time to move on. He has no reason to move on, despite not being into it, because he has someone meeting his needs with minimal effort from him.
If he likes you, you will know. If you have to wonder, the answer is no.
lol. yep. was just thinking about this in the shower today. how it has only hurt once in my life being cheated on until I realized the patterns of most men, how they fuck everything up, and then.... disgrace themselves further when called on to maybe fix it?it doesn't always end in cheating, but often some kind of highly unattractive sabotage. at that point the joke is on them and they're playing themselves. it's bc they just want validation, not a functional relationship with another sentient being
Good for you, good riddance to that pos
He's a coward. He WANTED you to be the one to break it off so he can play the wound/wronged ex... It was his plan all along...
This is a total win for you. He showed you who he really is. Brush your shoulders off and move on.
What a lazy turd—clearly he was only in it for what he could get out of it and when effort was required it was easier to find a new plaything. Consider that the trash has taken itself out ! And you are now free to find a real human being to be with. I’m sorry that you had to experience that cuz I know how much it sucks when you’ve done all the caring/giving and find out the person you are with is just an empty vessel.
Trash took itself out. I'd just have a moment of pity for the next woman who has to deal with that loser.
He didn’t value you and most men can’t handle being alone/independent you he immediately latched on to the next willing doormat. As he is going straight to sex he probably is not interested in having a relationship with them either just a hobo sexual that will continue the same pattern until he gets to old or physically unappealing /crass that women stop tolerating his games. It’s a win for you hunny, block and move along.
Onto bigger and better!!!
While I do agree, a big portion of men are very used to being alone. However, in this situation maybe the man doesn’t want to be without someone
You stopped being convenient and compliant and providing what he wanted for no actual effort, so he went looking for a new bangmaid. This isn't a reflection on you or your value, it's a reflection on him and who he is (a selfish, low-effort jerk who sees a woman as a service instead of as a partner).
Good on you for walking away.
Definitely struggled with thoughts of how his actions were reflections of myself. Currently working through that. It was hard to walk away but I’m proud of myself for doing it. Thanks!
It’s not easy, by all means. Kudos! I left a toxic relationship of 8 years this past June. I know exactly the struggles, the thoughts, the feeling of shame for allowing it to go on for so long…
Now, it’s your turn. Take it.
Well he went on with his life as you told him. Believe me you Didnt want him in your life in the first place
He's a bym, you called him out on it so he's punishing you or playing victim - look at what you made him do.
Be could have just done better. But now he's got the self destruct button.
Bye, dude.
Have you ever seen the TikTok where the space engineer draws his sister a graph to explain her toxic relationships? It goes for most relationships where only one party puts in effort, not just the red flag ones. I know you’re hurting and sad right now but sometimes the logic behind madness helps me. I search relationship graph engineer brother to pull it up. If you have trouble I’ll create a Imgur and link it if you’re interested
You set a boundary and he decided he wasn’t going to change. I’m sure he knew you were serious. He wanted someone else who would put up with his bs. He seems like a very selfish individual.
Just break up for good. If he cheated that quickly just dump the whole thing and never look back
What a user.
He saw you as a commodity so he put in zero effort, he was there for what he was getting out of it, nothing more. When you told him he would actually have to be an active participant in the relationship he went looking for a new victim to leech off of like the parasite he is.
He's looking for a mommy replacement. He wants to do what he wants to do regardless of how you feel; he's looking for a devoted mom. It's disgusting when grown ass men act like this.
Some guys put ALL their effort into attracting and GETTING a girlfriend, as if that the end of the work they have to do.
they they sit back and tell themselves, "I got a girlfriend. My social life and my sex life is gonna be GOOD!"
Its crazy! I told him just because were in a relationship doesn’t mean you stop trying and I will walk away.
You didn’t just dodge a bullet: you dodged a pack of African wild dogs that haven’t eaten in days and were forced to listen to Achy Breaky Heart for 20 hours straight
He had his personal servant. You quit, so he’s looking for a replacement. He didn’t care about you, just what you could provide him. Sounds like you moved in the right direction
Guys don’t seem to understand that they should leave a relationship they complain about.
Im sorry this happened OP. Its very hard to see how little someone is willing to do to fix a relationship. Your asks weren't even unreasonable. He just wasn't willing to do anything about the situation. Instead he figures it was time to move on.
Sounds like he's looking for a very one-sided relationship. One where whatever woman ends up with him is constantly taxed, exhausted and overwhelmed. He's willing to watch that happen and not do anything.
I personally think you are better off not ending up with him. It might be hard to see that now while things are fresh. But you don't want a partner like this. You don't want someone who sees you struggling and is okay with letting it go on.
You deserve a partner who values your peace and well-being.
I agree, thank you for your kind words, they are much needed!
It's depressing how common it is for someone to look for someone new before they jump ship on a relationship they're done with, but usually they leave themselves the plausible deniability of meeting someone IRL who catches their interest. This is straight up disrespectful.
Write that jerk a Thank You note. He just saved you heart ache. Find someone new. Don't take on all the responsibility from the start.
He was bored with you. Didn’t have the cajones to dump you directly so he made you dump him.
Oh miss read
He doesn't want to settle down and is probably years away from wanting to.
Hate to say but he was never fully interested and invested. It's a good thing that you ended it.
I had to stop and think if we were dating the same guy because he sounds exactly like my ex and he also had ESPN on all the time
He never once made plans with me ahead of time, because that would be too much commitment, he wanted me to just be dolled up and waiting for him to maybe text me to come over at midnight
Hope you’re doing better now 🫶🏼🫶🏼
You two aren't compatible. Your best bet is to wish him well and move on with your life.
Screw him, he is a selfish loser. I hope he can't get his hands on another woman. This is why I hate the apps because it feels like every guy on there is another variation of this guy and doing things behind another woman.
Me too I’m so afraid to uncover more of them lol. Very guarded right now
Good for you. I hope you find happiness, because you weren't going to get it there.
He didn't care about you. He liked what you did for him. Sadly common.
Don't waste your time on figuring it out. No need. It's history. Move on. Who cares now right?
Men are cowards, too lazy to even admit they’ve lost interest in a relationship. They make you do the work of breaking up.
he wanted a sex doll. you wanted a real relationship.
those two things are not compatible. you're far better off without him.
Yea so he wanted you to break up with him that’s why he acted that way. Congrats on passing the test, you wouldn’t believe how many people fail it.
I sat him down and said I’m not cool with this and if he continues to put in 0 effort then I’m going to walk away.
I wish more women would skip this part. You've seen the real him over a period of time; it's clearly not a person you want to be with. Instead of a warning conversation where you explain basic things to an adult, the better option is just to end the relationship.
All of the yOu NeEd To CoMmUnIcAtE garbage Male Redditors™ spew is just their way of keeping women useless, dead-end relationships. There was nothing to communicate here. Your boyfriend was a lemon. There was no need to spend more time in the relationship after this became apparent.
Honestly I needed to have a conversation with him about it otherwise I would have not felt secure in my decision. I would’ve kept wondering of the what ifs. And that would’ve eaten at me.
I felt like I committed to a relationship so I should treat him as an equal and communicate where I’m at instead of blindsiding and walking away. I’ve been blindsided before and it felt terrible so I didn’t want to make someone else feel terrible.
He had no qualms about making you feel terrible.
Honestly, when being dumped men will always claim to be "blindsided" regardless of how much their girlfriend/wife communicated her unhappiness to him.
Women treat men with far more kindness, respect, and consideration then they ever get in return. /generalization
I don’t get why you would do everything to begin with. You set the standards very early on. He’s not going to change if you spent 3 years as his live in maid and planner. I’ve tried to tell my friends this and they still don’t listen.
Why do you struggle. The answer is simple.
You are not the one for him.
I mean.... you gave him an ultimatum... he did respond accordingly. Luckily for you, you at least know who he is at this point and you can leave.
Being devils advocate
Never give a ultimatum like " or I will" Usually in this day they are gonna bail
From open relationships (from monogamous relationship) to you better shape up
The one saying I want the open relationship and I will walk if you don't do X
End up driving their partner away
If they can be driven away that easily then they can just go.
OP's former partner was already away.
Is this a shitpost? Who still watches ESPN?
Not trying to make excuses for him, but he was simply trying to cope with his anxieties that he never learned to handle b/c he probably grew up acting out of learn ways to cope, which just created new behaviors that didn’t help with getting out of that hole. Whatever was happening with him, he didn’t communicate it, it continued to grow, and he coped in the way that most (not all) men cope: sex. It really sucks b/c they’re just blinding moving from shitty decision to shittier decision. Good on you for getting out. Hope he gets the mental help he needs, but that’s not on you. The behavior is really simple and incredibly similar across all the “cheating” stories on here. Men need to understand that getting help isn’t a bloody weakness. All partners’ lives would be better if therapy was normalized for them. Again, congrats on handling that really well and decisively, rather than wobbling with blaming yourself!
I agree with you! I definitely think my ex struggled with what you described. It is sad but becomes even more sad when other people get hurt and for no reason. I believe we all have our baggage but it since we’re adults its our responsibility to heal and ensure we’re not hurting others because of whats hurting us.
Easier said than done. Good message though
Seems like he got himself together and realised he didn’t want you.
Sounds more like she got herself together and he couldn’t handle it.
My guess is he was already checked out, and once he realized you were ready to call it quits if he didn't put in any effort, he just cut his losses entirely and tried to find that attention elsewhere.
Or, he's incredibly insecure and once he realized you wouldn't put it up with it, tried to desperately seek validation elsewhere.
Either way, good riddance to bad rubbish.