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Since you seem to be communicating with these women, have you ever asked why they aren't interested in you? I'm going to list some things that women find off-putting, but this doesn't mean these are qualities you have, just possibilities.
Too eager, might seem too desperate Bad hygiene, maybe get a new haircut and shave or something Emotional low iq, can't read the room
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are other things others could add.
Do some serious self reflection and try to come up with things that you could improve. If you're not willing to grow and improve, then you might not find a partner.
Let's be real here, if he's putting out even a fraction of this hostile energy in person? No woman will feel safe admitting anything negative to him.
These types of men can't radiate "I'll lose my goddamn mind if anyone even hints I'm not the pinnacle of perfect manhood" and then get even pissier when no one wants to be honest with them, lmao.
ETA: Aw, I hurt his fee-fees so badly he blocked me 🥰
Yup. This is why the woman who recently rejected him said she wasn't wanting to date right now. It's safer.
It's DEFINITELY low emotional intelligence based on OPs comments, probably also the strong undeniable whiff of a man who only sees women as objects or an achievement.
Plus, he seems to have super low confidence. That's a major turn off for me and, I'm assuming, most women. Arrogance is gross, but a complete lack of confidence is uncomfortable
Not even like confidence just not being self deprecating and negative.
Yep. I love a man who is confident but not arrogant. The guy I'm with right now, although he has insecurities, carries himself very confidently and isn't timid around new people (unlike myself). He can make friends with just about anyone and I just find that energy very attractive
Desperation is not very attractive either
If they know you will try and hit anything that moves
I mean... He literally said he's SO LONELY and hugged a woman a few months back. Like a woman is supposed to fix his loneliness...
Okay, just because this guy is venting about rejection doesn't mean he has "low emotional intelligence."
And nothing about what he said indicates a kind of sexist view of women as objects... In fact, the exact opposite. He's clearly longing for genuine affection.
It's really ugly to immediately interpret a man's frustration with loneliness as some kind of projection of a sexist perception of women.
I listen to women bitterly complain all the time in real life and on the internet about men in the dating market and I don't immediately assume they have low emotional intelligence and a hateful perception of men as a whole.
Try to be more kind in the future please.
I don't think your comment is very nice. The guy is being vulnerable and asking for help. We have no proof that what you are saying is true. I'm only trying to give constructive advice, you know to help another person in need.
No he isn’t asking for help, he just wants a pity party
Having seen how calm and rational and open to feedback you are, it truly does blow my mind that a catch like you is still on the market. Who doesn’t want to be with someone who checks notes thinks a woman trying to form a communicative friendships with you instead of sexing you means they see you as a squints harder at notes emotional tampon.
This guy just knows what women really want, clearly
Jesus dude I just read one of your comments and you seem like a real piece of work. Newsflash you don’t actually care about women if you are only listening to them in hopes of being able to fuck them later. You say that’s not what’s happening but saying emotional tampon and you no longer care about women’s feeling bc they don’t care about yours indicates otherwise. Maybe work on having genuine relationships with people or just be up front with people. You’re being rejected probably bc you view relationships as transactional. Or maybe it’s bc you’re “blunt and upfront.” Get some therapy.
I legitimately cant tell if OP is trolling or what.
So, OP is an incel?
I’ve said this on similar posts before, and I’ll say it again: people can sense this whole vibe you’re projecting, and personally I wouldn’t feel safe going anywhere alone with you. Someone who refers to friendship as being “an emotional tampon”? It says A LOT about how you view women, and also how you’d be in a relationship. ANY relationship - romantic OR platonic. If a dude can’t maintain a platonic friendship with a woman I sure as fuck don’t want to date him 🤷🏻♀️
Edit to add: and I realise that those words were not actually spoken to the woman in question, but brother we are socialised to have a fucking ear to the ground for our safety at all times. Someone who thinks in phrases like that has other tells, too.
Honestly, same. If someone, gender not being even remotely an issue, can't maintain friendships and makes comments like "emotional tampon" after a FRIEND didn't reciprocate romantic feelings that is a whole field of redpill warning flags.
The absolute only time a comment like that might be acceptable is if the friendship was entirely one sided and the other person only ever was interested in venting.
Otherwise, yikes.
Hardest of passes. If he talks about friends that way, I'd hate to see how he'd treat an actual partner.
As for this specific woman, yeah, she should have just been honest about not seeing him that way but, given his reaction here I 100% get why she didn't.
She dodged one hell of a bullet.
The main constant is you, work on yourself. Switch it up.
Just reading your responses to comments here makes me recoil. I can only imagine all the contempt and rancour you must be exuding in person. People pick up on these things mostly subconsciously, so it's no wonder you're getting such consistent rejection. An attitude adjustment is in order if there's any hope of salvaging your love life. Good luck.
So OP can’t take any valid criticism, helpful suggestions or just blatant obvious statements without throwing a bitch fit and blocking everyone. Yet he wonders why life is it the way it is 🤔
Such is the life of a Nice Guy™️
Nice guy vibes.
Wild to me that you have a 100% rejection rate and yet half the earth's population is at fault.
Couldn't possibly be you causing your own problems.
Ah yes the old "if you smell shit everywhere you go is time to look under your own shoe"
People like the OP are incapable of self reflection and lack the ability to figure out why their misfortunes aren't anyone's fault but their own.
Damn, Dude. It's pretty easy to see why you keep getting rejected. Please get in therapy. You say women don't owe you anything, and you're right- they don't, but it's very obvious that you don't actually believe that and women can smell that on a man like sulfur in sewage. You're never going to stop being rejected unless and until you do some serious work on yourself… and that's going to take the help of a professional... or... don't do the work and stay alone and bitter for the rest of your life, that's certainly for you to decide, but make no mistake... those are your two options. Good luck. Sincerely. I hope you take the path that will ultimately lead to you being happy and supported. For what it's worth, I'd give you a big ol hug if I could.
Go for a massage. It has been very healing to me in so many ways and I really appreciated the touch aspect of it, especially when I was going through a dry spell of positive human touch in my life.
I was gonna piggy back with join bjj. Has done wonders for me (physical touch is needed too much here).
Loneliness is a huge issue for humans, something people don’t realize can be really harrowing. We need gentle touch and interpersonal relationships.
Maybe take up a hobby where you’ll find more opportunities for conversation? Knitting, painting, animal shelters volunteering…
Being alone this long and using phrases like “emotion tampon” suggest it could be your conversational skills. This isn’t meant to insult but communicating online and in the real world are two different things.
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2mo
Do you see how that wordage could be off putting? If someone told me “I don’t want to be an emotional tampon” I would immediately consider them disrespectful to me and what I have to say. I wouldn’t want to engage with them any longer.
“Socially awkward and blunt with my words”— this likely means you’ve been crass and abrasive in your conversation.
Again, I recommend being in situations where you can learn to converse rather than project your resentment.
Even if OP used the verbiage “emotional tampon” irl, it wouldn’t have been until after he got rejected that he used it, so I highly doubt this is the issue. Obviously these women trust OP enough to confide in him, they just aren’t physically attracted to him so they don’t want to take it past a friendship.
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2mo
I get that, I’m just pointing out that it hardly matters either way
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2mo
Then you have no one to blame but yourself for your loneliness
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2mo
This is exactly why you’re alone. There was genuine advice in there but you took everything too close and decided to get aggresive. If this is the unhinged manner in which you speak online then I can only imagine how you are in real life.
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2mo
I noticed the edit there. You’re not a victim. No one owes you anything. Life is difficult, you can either take some time to change what isn’t working or you can continue on this path. This entire thing reads like a manifesto. You seriously some serious help if this is how you think people should be treated.
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2mo
Damn, wonder why people don’t want to get to know you.
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2mo
You would have to care if you got into a relationship
Honest question, are you daft?
Because you are allowing that. You are allowing people to use you as an emotional dumping ground. For what? Why do you allow yourself to go through that when it so clearly is not something that you enjoy or that brings you any kind of peace or happiness?
Respectfully, at some point, you need to see the common denominator here. Is it the hundreds of women or is it you? I can read people like a book and I can tell you based on this post and your responses to the people on this post offering genuine and actionable advice that it is unequivocally you that is the problem and if you want a different outcome…you need to work on that.
Highly suggest that you read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” so that you can figure out that women don’t want a guy who is an emotional dumping ground for them. Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Become someone who is desirable to date rather than an emotional dumping ground.
I’ve seen ugly backwoods toothless hillbillies get a date. You need to work on yourself. Or stay the victim forever…but that’s only gonna continue to get you where it has been getting you…nowhere.
Local news! Reddit tries to help person slove mystery of why they're being rejected with advice only for said person to reject advice and go on a piss rant in the comments about how every rejection is the women's fault, solving the mystery but now leaving Reddit to deal with a stubborn hard hat who will never admit that they're the artist behind their own suffering. We have tried to contact OP's accountability for note on the situation however we were unable too as it doesn't exist. More news at 10!
Love how OP blames all the women for him not getting a date but refuses to even consider that he might be the problem.
Seriously. If 100% of the women you ask out all say no then at some point you need to look inward and do some self reflecting because there is some serious problem if not ONE of them is even open about the idea of a date
You claim that "you listened with interest and engaged not because you wanted to get in their pants" this wasn’t true since you clearly have no interest in being just friends with a woman. You are then disappointed that it didn’t turn into a romantic relationship. That’s not being genuine.
When someone is telling you 'I’m not in a place for a relationship' it’s a gentle cue to 'I’m not into you that way'. At 40 you should pick up on that already. It’s not lying, it’s being kind.
Dissecting why someone isn’t attracted to you is never a worthy pursuit because truth is no one knows what makes us attracted to someone or not. Attraction is not something we control.
Furthermore telling someone straight to their face they’re to attracted to you is often not a safe thing for a woman to do. Explaining its not personal is the safest thing for a woman.
Practice your social cues. A woman being nice to you doesn’t mean she’s romantically and physically attracted to you. She’s just being nice and it’s likely because she’s a nice person - to everyone.
Approach women with the intent of making a connection rather than a relationship. Be OK with being just friends. No one on earth has too many of those. Stop chasing relationships. They happen on their own.
And most of all stop wallowing in loneliness energy people can smell that miles away and it’s extremely unattractive. It’s unattractive because it means you haven’t done your shadow work. You’re actually not comfortable and happy in your own skin and life.
Make friends, have hobbies, have a good time. If you can’t be happy single you will never be happy in a relationship either.
Women can smell desperation. Probably one of their biggest icks aside from being stinky, rude or ugly.
If you’re truly 40+ and this is how you behave against valid criticism, you will die alone. Good lord
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2mo
One chance from someone like yourself? I'm ok lmfao
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2mo
I'm a dude, but go off queen.
I gave you valid criticism; being your conversation skills. This led to you name calling and proving my point for the rest of your replies.
Are you working with a professional? They can help you navigate. Wondering if you might be approaching the wrong woman. I worked with an elderly single women’s who shared with me the loss she felt at not having human touch/contact. She lived far away from family and was not in a relationship. She said it really helped when she found d a good massage therapist to visit regularly. A professional, legit massage therapist. Nothing cringy.
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2mo
Possible reframe, OP: even if therapy has been helpful so far in some ways, if there are still parts of your life causing you this much distress (regardless of whose fault it feels like) then it may be time to change or supplement your therapy.
You know you can’t force a woman to come into your life. You currently don’t want to change your approach. That means the third option for improving your situation is improving your coping skills and mental well-being.
You could start by sharing this post with your therapist. There’s a ton of emotion here, kind of like a diary entry, and that’s something you guys can start taking through. If that doesn’t work or doesn’t seem like it will work, maybe it’s time to explore what a different therapist, different modality of therapy, or even supplemental treatment like medication can do to make you either more successful in your life or more able to find peace where you’re at.
I’ve been snarky elsewhere, and yeah I think you’re probably the problem. But seriously, even if I’m dead wrong and you’re an angel, you’re clearly unhappy. Something’s gotta change, right?
Therapy can help you shift your self-worth from being based on external factors ( like what you're perceiving or interpreting as rejection--help you evaluate if that's an accurate perseption, too) and base instead on internal factors like your personal strengths. Are you loyal? Trustworthy? A good friend? Funny? Considerate? That's where some more authentic self-worth can come from.
Yes, it's a bummer to be rejected or to feel lonely. But those don't have to define your overall sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
When you're confident in those things, and pursuing interests & passions in life, you'll attract different people into your life - - friends, potential dates, etc. If you can craft a life you love, a partner is a bonus, not a be-all end-all.
Don't let loneliness take over, friend.
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2mo
You're not a safe space.
Curious, how do you meet women… traditional ways such as bars, work, dating apps, etc?
Have you tried joining a club/group for something which interests you, like hiking, book club, etc? Taken a class on a topic of interest? Go to activities for singles (use Meetup or search for singles activities in your area)? These things could help build friendships/relationships which are based on common interests. Just a thought.
This is probably the best advice in the thread
LMAO therapy will never, ever, be able to change other people, as it is individual for you. Glad therapy is helping you cope, as it should, but your “problem” isn’t with other people rejecting you, but with you being unable to accept the rejection and figure out why the rejection is happening, and then changing your own behavior accordingly. Another human being will never be able to fix your problems FOR YOU - you are a person with free will and autonomy, so stop relying on others to fix you for you. Change starts from within.
The way you respond to folks has a lot of wording incels use in forums and stuff. Im going to assume you frequent that stuff a lot and would recommend for you to take a break from social media.
I get that its lonely and frustrating but nobody is doing this to hurt you on purpose. I know you need to just vent but you have to be kinder to them and yourself. It wont help you to wallow in self pity and bitterness. Your issues will prevent you from ever finding someone even if its not obvious.
I hope you can find peace and happiness
This^
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2mo
I understand your frustration but I’m just offering a perspective from the outside of how you come off.
I’ll just end with saying that relationships and genuine connections are a much needed thing in life to keep us happy and healthy. The thing is, they have to come from a place where you don’t expect anything back. This lady you talk about probably saw you as a valuable person she could talk to. She didnt want a relationship and because of that you flipped on her. I know its hard to be platonic with people you’re romantically interested in, but its a lot lonelier and suckier to be alone with nobody to talk to at all.
If you can see value in just having friendships and connections with people, I think it would help you be happier and thus attract folks. Believe it or not, people can sense that energy/aura. Nobody wants to be around negative people who are only going to be nice to get something back.
“All I know for sure is that I'm not interested in being her emotional tampon whenever she wants to vent. I didn't mind that in the past because I genuinely cared about women who did it but it really hurts when that's all they see you as. I listened with interest and engaged with appropriate responses not because I wanted to get in their pants, but because I liked them as people. The end result is always, and I mean always lies and a complete dismissal towards my own feelings when they inevitabley get bored and ghost me.”
So you are fine with being a “friend” and “listening with interest and engagement” UNTIL they “dismiss your feelings”. DUDE women are not looking to make their friend their lover.
When a person is looking for FRIENDSHIP that’s all they’re looking for, friendship. No shit these women rejected you, they never wanted you more than a FRIEND. You are the one who misled them because you were hoping for more than friendship when all they wanted was friendship. You were using “friendship” as gateway to trying to become their lover…that’s called manipulation. You were never a genuine friend, genuine friendship does not come with strings attached.
If you want to date then go to a space where people are looking to date…aka dating apps, speed dating, singles get togethers, etc…you know where you’re surrounded by people who are looking to date. Stop wasting women’s time by using “friendship” to get something out of them.
Uh oh guys INCEL ALERT 🚨 I REPEAT INCEL ALERT 🚨 HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS HIDE YOU WIVES 🚨
Sometimes women make up excuses like that because men they’ve dealt with in the past don’t take rejection well and become violent or simply don’t take “no” for an answer.
But if you have a 100% rejection rate, at what point do you have to admit that the problem is you? You’re the one constant with every rejection you’ve had, so many different people and yet you keep getting rejected. You should look inward and make some changes that reflect what you want in life.
They're trying to let you down easy. "Not in a place to be dating right now" is just code for "not into you." Don't read too much into it. People do this because they're worried the other person will lash out if they tell the full truth.
Looking at your comments, they're right to worry.
Get some exercise, I swear you'll feel better. I'm sorry things got to this point. You're definitely not alone there. I understand being frustrated.
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2mo
A walk or short run always clears my mind. There's a cool beach where I live with neat looking rocks everywhere. It's a peaceful place. What's something (outside the house) you enjoy doing that makes you feel good about yourself? I'm so damn guilty of never leaving my house because everything I like is in there.
Ok. I’m going to list Somethings that men do that give me the “I’m never going to date you” vibe. See if you do any of these. These are not all inclusive and I do not speak for all females. These are also only in the “getting to know you period”/friends in passing.
They include… -during a conversation always reverting to sex or romance. - calling me pet names like “dear” - mansplaining - being condescending in the conversation - trying to get personal information out of me - bringing up how no one wants to date or have sex with them - hyper focusing on one topic - saying something misogynistic (“well women blah, blah, blah “) - them thinking that they are experts in every fucking subject - correcting me on something ridiculous that has absolutely no impact on my life - telling me how pretty I am when it has no place in the conversation - constantly texting (this one is huge. Like if I’m only replying to you 1-2 a day and you’re just texting away… leave me alone. I don’t want to have a conversation with you. You are annoying me at this point and your chance are decreasing with every character in that text). - trying to force plans on me. You’ve asked once. I have a vague answer, leave it be - friending me and commenting very suddenly on SM - acting like a victim when you clearly aren’t - going on and on about past relationships - overly complaining
Ok so you don't care if you come across as an incel but that's going to get you nowhere with women which is seemingly what you want. You're cutting off your nose to spite your face. You admit these women owe you nothing yet you feel entitled to something more than having a friend to vent to. You're bitter because your perspective and narrative is distorted. Until you get therapy you aren't going to find what you want.
It sucks to be lonely. You aren't entitled to anything from anyone. Every man I dated for a significant time and the one I married were all best friends first. That's not a dead end, nor should you expect anything else. Be a human looking to connect with other humans in any form.
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2mo
If you're this aggressive and blunt irl it's little wonder you're alone.
Or, maybe, and hear me out, maybe people are making assumptions based on how you come off as well as your general attitude and word choices. Just a thought.
When women tell you they aren't in a place to date, especially after going on a date or date(s) with you that just means they don't like you or they found someone they like better than you and want to move forward with them.
At that point block their number. I don't see why you even humored any conversation. Dating is rejection. You're going to get rejected a lot. I suggest a change of scenery. I had a strike out rate of damn near 100% until I just moved somewhere else and things got a lot easier
A couple things, she said she wasn't in a place to date right now could have meant she wasn't in a place to date because she was already dating someone else.
Also, it looks like you're depending on a romantic female partner to cure your loneliness. I would advise against doing that. Do you go out at all? Are there any group activities/hobbies you could join to meet other people?
Edit: lol the coward blocked me
It makes me sad to read that you are deprived of basic human contact like hugs. Many people don't realize how important it is until they don't have it or are on the verge of losing it. We all deserve to be loved on our level.
Do you have friends? They might be capable of helping you move through some of the loneliness
Unfortunately this kind of thing is a process, if you are at this point sensitive to rejection because of the years you’ve experienced it you would need to experience acceptance in smaller doses. In friendships, from family, before engaging with all the complexity that comes from a romantic relationship
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2mo
So ultimately, a romantic relationship isn’t viable for you yet. You’d need to start small
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2mo
I think it’s possible that your experience will make that a more difficult task than it would otherwise be.
I don’t think you can have a successful romantic relationship when you don’t have successful platonic relationships
Got a pet? Maybe a dog to help with the loneliness?
I’m not trying to be mean but I will be real with you. If you’re experiencing a lifetime of continuous rejection, you have to examine yourself as the common denominator. What is it about you that makes you unattractive to the opposite sex? And be real with yourself. None of this woe is me shit. Are you fat? Are you lazy? Do you lack discipline? Do you have a whiny annoying personality? Be raw and do not hold back on being self analytical.
Fix those things. Not just to find a romantic partner, but to become the best version of yourself you can be. Go for a run, hit the gym, read a book, go back to school, update your resume, find productive hobbies, create and maintain meaningful relationships. You attract what you put out in this world. Be a light in others lives
You should hug male friends also, family members too whether they’re male or female. Women are not the fix-all for your loneliness.
I understand you are feeling bitter, but when you talk about hugging, you talk exclusively about women. I'm here to tell you that friendship hugs are a thing.
I understand that men have been socialized to see physical contact with other men as icky or bad or whatever, but you're wrong. And it's hurting you. Men absolutely can AND SHOULD rely on each other for emotional tenderness, especially when you don't have partners. Next time you hang out with your friends, try giving them a big bear hug and telling them you care about them.
If your response to this comment is that you don't have friends (male or otherwise), I suggest you examine why you feel women who reject you are entirely responsible for the whole of your social interactions and maybe try to make some local platonic connections to keep you from sinking into your loneliness further.
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2mo
This is because you see women as your exclusive source of tenderness and thats just not how the world works. You don't have to be attracted to men to feel comforted and emotionally validated by them.
You're upset that a woman lied to you when she rejected you but when rejecting you she doesn't have to be truthful on what her reason is for said rejection, especially if she is concerned that you won't handle it well.
I'm sorry that you feel touch starved but there are clearly things and feelings you are putting out in the world that are unappealing to the opposite sex and until you take a long hard look at yourself and admit where you are going wrong and what you can do to be more appealing then you'll continue to be touch starved until you're 80.
At a certain point with the amount of rejections you are getting, you have to look at yourself and not the women.
Bro, look at yourself and ask: Would I date me?
Do you have a balanced social life? Are your finances in order? Are you a capable and competent man? Is your phisical appearance/grooming/health in order?
My guess is that you've been majorly lacking in one or many of these categories, which has made longlasting changes in your demeanor.
Your lack in these categories is probably visually apparent to the women that have rejected you, or if not outright apparent, subconsciously in the least.
You only have yourself to blame, you haven't made the appropriate sacrifices/choices.
You’re not interested in being an emotional tampon and women may not be interested in being your cuddle toy
You'll survive.
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2mo
After reading your post and comments I can 1000 percent understand why you are single.
I had a male friend like you
Always whinging how he was single and alone
The truth is noone could stand be around him as he was just negative, negative, negative..woe is me..feel sorry for me..
I'm the victim..ALL the time.
You are your own worst enemy
It's not women who have the issue
It's you...
So you were fine being friends/pleasant with women because you like them as people, but because they never seem to reciprocate your emotional/sexual feelings, you've decided to stop being friends/pleasant with women? And you're calling that bitterness? Here's why that doesn't make sense.
I like dogs for just being themselves, being doggos, doing doggo things, and I enjoy interacting with them. The dogs like it too! It's a friendship we both enjoy. If I could never ever seem to get a dog to like me enough to lick my face like I've seen in movies, that might upset me. Would it make sense for me to stop interacting positively with doggos on that basis, just because I'm hurt that they're not literally drooling over me?
Nope. It would be depriving myself and the doggos of the world of something positive because I have a hangup that they don't LOVE me often enough for me to continue liking them. You can see how the "emotional tampon" comment implying I am being used would make zero sense to make if I do actually enjoy interacting with dogs. Being liked but not adored is not the same thing as being used.
The whole approach of being bitter towards and wanting to punish all women (or dogs) is unhinged. It's not bitter, it's just petulant, illogical and creepy.
Edit: I've been blocked lol.
OP, you remind me of me age 18-20- not the women stuff, but some of the psychology of how you interact.
Back at school I knew one girl, Lorna, who was literally kind and patient with everyone, even me when I was being irritating, and it made me feel weird. Like half jealous that she gets to be so happy and half intimidated like she could see how miserable I was. It took me years of thinking that I just didn't like her and found her annoying, before I realised how I actually felt- vulnerable.
In retrospect, it was the feeling of vulnerability which made me respond to her kindness negatively and avoid her. But people lashing out like me never made her any less kind. If being sarcastic and cutting is often your default mode for interacting, and you're hypervigilant, always ready to strike back, you might not have realised that you're also responding that way to kindness. Kindness can make us feel just as vulnerable as cruelty- maybe more.
Posting this was quite a vulnerable thing to do, and you're responding to criticism with defensiveness/rudeness, but you're also either doing the same with people trying to be kind/helpful or bring your attention to something, or you're ignoring/blocking them. It just reminded me a lot of how I felt about this girl, and I think it might have something to do with your initial problem. I know I put people off a lot with how I interacted before I realised that I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt or letting anyone in.
please hire a sex worker. i believe the experience would genuinely improve your life, and maybe help you put some of the bitterness behind you.
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2mo
then don't have sex, maybe just call one up and talk? or pay for an hour and see, maybe you'll feel differently when she's standing at your door, instead of just being, i dunno, an abstract thought. I'm just throwing stuff out there.
far as connections go... I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen. it takes time to form anything meaningful, and it's genuinely a difficult thing to do when you have little positive social experience.
do you have friends? real friends, the kind you can go grab a beer with and have a real, good laugh at yourselves while doing dumb shit. it's fine not to, that can be fixed. but again, it takes time.
maybe it's time to start hitting the bar? be a regular someplace, even if it means sitting alone for a while. less busy (but not completely dead) is usually better. if no one else is there, you can always chat with the bartender.
i really hope you're not just sitting in your house, alone all the time.
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2mo
one way or the other it's really time you do something different, because it seems like the current strategy just isn't working for you.
i only suggest alcohol because a little bit is an easy way to loosen up, and you, my friend, need to loosen up.
I'm glad you're working out! hitting the gym's good for your body. but you've got a mind and soul to feed, too.
how often do you do something new? travel, get out of town for a week... or whatever you can afford.
maybe you could take "feeding your soul" literally. i don't go to church myself, but everyone's different. maybe you'd benefit?
you just seem to have been on your current path for a long time now, and i can see it's clearly not working out for you. something needs to change.
i know everyone here just wants to say, "it's you! you need to change!" because it's the easiest, most obvious thing to point out, and of course there's truth to it. but that doesn't give you much of a starting point, does it?
best way to change yourself is to change what you do. pick up a new hobby.
maybe buy some tools and put your muscles to work. do woodworking or something, build your first table or shelf, put it on the lawn with a $150 sign and see if it gets stolen, and take the theft as a compliment to your hard work. maybe post a photo of it on reddit, saying, "i wonder how long it'll be before someone steals this off my lawn 🤣"
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2mo
if you're always changing what you do, then what does stay the same? when you try something new, is there some lingering overarching goal you already have in mind to achieve through that change?
eg. do you switch things up in the hopes that it'll get someone interested in you in a certain amount of time, and give up when it doesn't?
if so, then that's not how it should be done. you need to find something that you geniunely enjoy, that you can put your mind towards doing for its own sake without thinking of anything else. that's what a hobby is.
it's not something you pick up, hope to be praised for, and give up because nobody is around to say anything. if you are setting goals for the hobby that are outside of the hobby itself, then it is not a hobby. that is an escape fantasy.
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2mo
The goal is to meet, connect and I guess date?
this is absolutely the right reason to pick up a dating app, and absolutely the wrong reason to pick up a hobby.
it's pretty easy to pick up a dating app, though. i assume you've already tried it. it's kind of a crapshoot, but it can work out.
but if you want actual connection, you're gonna need to have more to talk about than just "yeah, i go to work, make X figures, and i hit the gym every day just to wind down, also I've been lonely and miserable up until now and this is my first date."
the first half of that will maybe get you a one-night stand, if you're hot and lucky. the whole thing will get you, if anything, into a long-term relationship where you get used and exploited for lack of interpersonal skills/emotional intelligence.
you want a woman who actually cares about you, well, she wants a guy who has fun and has something he already enjoys in his life, makes his eyes light up when he talks about it, while also having a healthy, stable lifestyle and attitude and also being down to earth and honest about his experiences, maybe laugh at himself while reminiscing.
seriously though, that bold part is incredibly important and should be part of your bio's intro and is also a thing you should talk about when introducing yourself to an interesting person IRL. do something that you truly love, sonething that you'd keep doing even if it didn't get you anywhere on the dating scene, even if you think most women would reject you for it, because the kind of woman you want won't. that is step one.
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2mo
Plenty of men who are not conventionally attractive or financially well-off have happy long term relationships with women. I think this is a you problem.
Blaming women isn't going to help anything. Maybe get therapy?
You just have so much hatred in your heart... It comes from within, because you truly don't like yourself
Once you stop coping and start actually accepting that you don't love yourself you can begin to change. Change what you can, and accept what you can't
I would be interested to read a description, of the women you approach.
Are they younger and comparatively more attractive than you?
Where do you meet and fall for these women?At work, dating sites, bars?
Are they not interested in more than casual dating, whereas you have fantasized about a lifetime of commitment, from the first meeting onwards?
Yes, my tone is a tad firm. But only because, frankly, if you are an upstanding, sympathetic guy who just wants to be loved; There is someone for you. Guaranteed.
She might not be ten years younger, she might not be Belle of the ball. But there are countless friendly, understanding and lonely women, who want love all the same.
I'd wager you are right. In another comment, they described themselves as a 6'5" gym bro with a ton of muscles. It's a good chance they think they deserve a woman of a certain age/looks. And that's fine, people can have standards. But then to complain about it when none of the people who fit your standards want to date you is kind of ridiculous.
I'm around 40, dad bod, incredibly introverted, and not a lot going for me, but I recently started seeing a woman. I find her so fucking pretty, but I'm sure some gym bro would find a lot wrong with her. But she's amazing, makes me happy, and I'm not alone so 🤷♂️.
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2mo
Ok, I was wrong. You have low standards and these women still don't want to date you.
Lmfao 💀💀💀💀
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2mo
and you wonder why you're single when this is how you talk to people? wow.
If OP is even 10% this petty and obnoxious it's little wonder women flee on sight.
I’m honestly happy for all the women who saw through this and didn’t fall in with this guy.
It’s weird because he seems sympathetic and like a genuine person in the post, he made my heart ache with his description because i’ve had periods of several years where i was that kind of lonely too.
But then you hit the comments and see people trying to give him genuine advice, and out comes this thunderous monster who is genuinely nasty to anyone who says anything other than “poor baby”.
It feels like he knows how to wear a mask of social acceptability, but right underneath there is some truly insidious issues he won’t address and won’t take responsibility for
Yeah, for sure. And the mask is not nearly as good as he thinks it is.
"Ok I was wrong" IS a retraction. Jesus.
it's not a lie. he's assuming things, you know?
If women are lying to OP the way he described in the post, I bet he is a great guy with a good personality, it’s just these women are not physically attracted to him. It doesn’t matter where you meet women or what your end goals are because if they find you attractive, they will at the very least give you a chance instead of lying and saying they aren’t ready to date.
Women lie in these ways, for their own safety and because they think it is kind. Often, this behaviour is taught to them by other women, to skirt gnarly situations.
If you were, let us say, a 5'4 woman. What would be the wisest alternative, when rejecting a fully-grown man?
“Oh, sorry. Not looking for a date. I feel flattered by your approach, though!”
Or...
“No, I am not attracted to you.”
Some men can unexpectedly react in violent ways, when encountered by blatant rejection, rather than something pacifying.
I would not risk it.
To add to this - as a woman, the amount of times I've been aggressively insulted even after politely and nicely rejecting a man is shocking. "Frigid whore", "ugly cunt" etc. it is terrifying being a woman.
But these women clearly already know OP really well personally, to a level you might even be able to call friends. They aren’t lying for their own safety, it’s because they aren’t attracted to him but feel too bad to tell him that so they let him down easy. If it is a safety thing then why are these women willing to go on dates with other men? Aren’t they afraid those other men are just as dangerous? What’s the difference between them and OP?
should accept your circumstances that will set you free keep expecting acceptance and then getting rejection hurts
Women can sense a negative attitude. This sub often talks about going with your gut, and its like a sixth sense for them. Honestly, I think that's why single men stay single for so long. Women can tell. Just complaining about this stuff is a giant red flag to them, as you can see in the comments.
If confidence and a positive attitude attract women, being negative and bitter is like a repellent.
If you look at the animal kingdom, the female is almost always the prize, with males putting on demonstrations, dances, fighting others, or making offerings to impress them. Humans aren't that much different, and with a negative attitude you probably won't get very far.
Dick doesn't have very much value. Its found everywhere and its easy to get. Don't make the mistake of thinking you have worth, and that something good should come to you. You'll have to go the extra mile to get it.
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2mo
Rape is not at all the default, it’s actually quite rare. Some degree of consent is generally involved with mate selection. It’s very disturbing you think that
OP is apart of FA30. WHAT IN THE WORLD? Seems like a depressing group. Yall need help. If I keep seeing people screaming for mental health (really needs psychological counseling) reddit will be the next app to get deleted. Ijs
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2mo
Lol at the blocking
I understand some of how you're feeling based on your post. I went through a bitter time with my ex wife and made me believe I was unloveable and ugly and I honestly gave up on dating and women.
I was an angry, bitter, hateful person towards women as my ex had cheated on me and destroyed my confidence and broke my heart replacing it with only anger and hate.
I made the decision to give up on dating and focusing on being a great dad to my kids and also just being friends to those around me. By just focusing on being friends this helped me relax, become a happier confident person and this in turn helped me make friends.
Women who before were put off by my hostility were now happy to be around me as I had no interest in dating them, only in being friends. They felt safe around me. I intentionally put myself in the friendzone because it felt safe to me and to my friends. I had no ulterior motive other than trying to be a good friend to everyone.
This made me happy, relaxed and brought back my self confidence and once I was a happy, relaxed and confident person women started to become interested in me again.
I'm not saying this approach will work for everyone but I offer it as a possible solution. I'm now in a happy relationship with a wonderful caring GF.
I hope you feel better soon. No-one should feel like you do, like I did. We all have things to offer society. We all have skills and abilities to benefit ourselves and those around us.
If you find peace in your heart and mind then it'll be reflected externally and people gravitate towards people who bring them peace and friendship.
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2mo
Obviously none of us can know the future but if an overweight sarcastic autistic person like me can find someone I'm convinced there's someone for everyone ❤️
Do you have a friend group? Making friends and hanging out with them is honestly such a haven for feeling better about whatever might be happening at the moment. Friends hug you and listen and care. They're there for you when you're sick or feeling down or just need a fun day out. Friends make life magical.
If you don't have different groups of friends already don't fret! It's not too late. You can try out different activities like book club, hiking group, or rock climbing. Or find places that engage in the kinds of activities you already enjoy. Some activities I've found where friendships more naturally flourish are tabletop gaming, language classes, team games (tennis, basketball, football), and theatre. Of course these lists aren't exhaustive and there's so many wonderful possibilities out there.
I hope that you're able to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are, love you even when you don't, and challenge you to continually grow. Best of luck op.
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2mo
I'm not particularly interested in what other people think of me or the responses I provide, yknow? I think that life is hard and complex, and while there are many comments you made that I don't agree with, you're human. I'm always going to lead with kindness first. Reddit is not real life and downvotes aren't going to have an impact on my real life. I'm baking cookies and cutting snitch wings to put on top of little chocolates for a Harry Potter themed movie night. I'm going to be okay. You are too.
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2mo
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2mo
I don't think he's trolling man. Either take a look at yourself and make changes like literally everyone else has suggested or take this advice and get used to it.
“If i don’t like your response, you’re a troll”
You have 40 years of evidence proving him right, don’t you?
Aw man, the dirty delete strikes again.
((OP)) I'm sorry - that sounds really awful. A suggestion: Book yourself in for a regular massage - maybe once a month or every other week. I am suggesting a therapeutic massage (not the creepy, exploitive kind) so you can experience human touch on a regular basis.
Plenty of men who are not conventionally attractive or financially well-off have happy long term relationships with women. I think this is a you problem.
Blaming women isn't going to help anything. Maybe get therapy?
Go to therapy my g
You're probably going after when women everyone wants. Find the female equivalent of you.
I was in your shoes 10 years ago.
I was overweight, had no confidence & I had spent a decade playing world of warcraft while neglecting IRL relationships.
Every time a girl as much as looked my way, I got my hopes up that they might be interested.
But I started focusing on what I could fix, went on the "slow carb" diet and started working out - lost close to 40kg.
Then I started dating, getting sexual experience and confidence and let me tell you, it's a game changer!
Today i am in a happy, loving and very sexually active relationship.
I'm really sorry for you OP. I hope something changes for you. My brother is in your boat as well and he is a nice guy. He struggles with depression and self worth but he has so many good qualities. He can be kind and very funny. He can be driven if he is passionate about something. He recognizes that he needs to be happy with himself so he is working on himself right now. It breaks my heart that he is alone where he is and that he has not found his person. He has a negative and bitter vibe that he is struggling against giving in to but that isn't who he really is. It's the beast of the pain he is struggling with caused by some bad life experiences. I know he deserves love but I would also worry about anyone he dated because I don't think he would make a good partner as he is right now. He lacks patience, is negative about women (probably because of our abusive mother and bad experience eith an ex) He doesn't have that knowledge base of how to live with somebody and do as much for them as he does for himself. To be an equal partner with someone and to respect them as an equal. I want him to be happy so badly and I miss the person he used to be before he was hurt badly and then alone for a long time. I see you OP. I know that you are a human being and that ypu have good qualities in you and that you are worthy of love and I hope that you get there.
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2mo
Yeah she should've just told you she wasn't interested in you and it would be over. But then you see her at the place you asked her out to with some other guy. I can see why you felt disrespected. Not fair for you to be strung along
Forget her. She obviously has alot of growing up to do.
I'm a 42(F) going through it, too. The dating scene is trash. It's almost impossible to meet a decent person. Let alone an honest one.
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2mo
Lol, guy vents and people beat him up for his frustrations. I’m sorry OP.
It’s okay to have those feelings. Just moving forward don’t allow yourself in a situation ship you don’t want to be in. You’ll find someone.
Guy vents, people give good advice, OP says nuh-uh. Lol
Why is the comment section so super toxic? OP is allowed an opinion. None of you live his life.
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But they did care about your feelings just not the way you expected them to.
They tried to explain themselves when they could just tell you to fuck off for example. They engaged in conversations with you, they acted like your emotional tampon. You seem to feel entitled to stuff just because you are nice. Being nice is the default. You don't get a cookie for that. It's been 40 years now, you didn't figured this out yet?