my dad told my husband to make sure get rid of evidence of cheating

You OP , get rid of your father and husband.

Please tell me you’re not stupid enough to give him a next time

What kind of parents does this

Cheaters, mostly, and enablers of cheaters who value the status quo over happiness.

get rid of evidence? then you should get rid of them both. you don't need these people and your mother should wake up that these people don't deserve forgiveness.

Is there anyone in your life that isn't a total piece of shit?

Your dad doesnt view you or your mother as people.

And your parents are a lost cause.

You need to figure out how to break the cycle. Otherwise you will end up with a man like your dad and as a woman like your mother.

That is no way to live.

Just saying, I’d be divorcing my husband and going no contact with my parents because anyone who wants to pretend like everything is fine when you’ve been hurt in an irreparable way should have no place in your life.

…and it’s exactly what I did do. Haven’t looked back. Haven’t been happier than I am now.

In your comment you said, you have traumatized your husband for a year.. can you explain?

Go, embrace the villain arc

Reminds me of my ex partner of 17years and his mum. Found naked pictures, explicit text and videos from other females, his mom said and I quote "And what is wrong with that?? His Dad was the same way and there is nothing wrong with that because we are together at the end of the day".

You need to rid yourself of a whole lot of toxic people.

My mum on the other hand, thinks that I should forgive my husband and not fight with him

Mum has been her cheating husband's doormat and is now encouraging daughter to become the same. Sigh.

Ya, sorry OP your family sucks monkey balls so now I’m your new Mom or motherly presence and as such I will say what she SHOULD have.. ehem HE DID WHAT!? that is unacceptable and not what you deserve at all… in any capacity. Your father needs to shut his trap and tell your so called “husband” to keep his Pecker in his pants before he loses it. You deserve respect and mutual love. This is not it…. Darling. 😁

But it all seriousness. The internalize misogyny in that household is dripping with toxicity. Please distance yourself and consider a divorce. He doesn’t deserve you. I support you in whatever choice you decide to make - As your New Mom and/or motherly figure.

Surely you mean your ex husband?

You are on your own here. This will NEVER stop if you stay. Is he even remorseful?

You know what you need to do.

Social media and smartphones have really changed the game for fidelity/loyalty these days. So many grey area loop holes for people to use, like, "It was just online". My ex was doing the same kind of things since day 1 but had the gall to say she "never cheated". Selfish people will try any excuse within arms reach.

I find it especially interesting that your father would encourage your husband to simply hide the behavior. MY father? He'd be livid that my husband HURT me. MY mother? She'd be livid that he HURT me. I would first have to tell my 80+ year old Dad that he shouldn't kill my husband, himself, because we can't afford a good criminal lawyer. And assure Mom that aiding and abetting a crime, is a crime itself. Then I would have to outline the potential criminal penalties for hiring someone else to do the job for them.

THIS is a real set of loving parents, hon.

Nowhere in their attitude, would you find them accepting (and even encouraging) my husband hurting me.

So. This is where you are. You have a choice. Either accept everything, like the people in your own life feel is okay ... Or step forward into an unknown future that belongs to YOU. Without them. I know it's terrifying, but it's one of those "crossroads" moments in your life.

And I very much hope that you choose YOU.

I send my very warmest hugs of support and encouragement.

I know exactly how you feel. I suffered from years of abuse from my husband before I finally left him and moved into a hotel for a week. When I called my parents to tell them that I was leaving, they tried to convince me to stay, and my Dad said “next time, call 911.” Next time!?!? He broke my bones last time! Next time, I’ll be dead!

His words still haunt me to this day, 20 years later. Talk to your Dad and let him know exactly how you feel. I wish I had talked to my Dad to clear the air before he died. Now, I just have a low level current of resentment that I am going to have to learn to forgive.

I am so sorry that youre going through this :(

You are worth so much more. Be proud of yourself for not accepting this degrading and disrespectful, hurtful behaviour as acceptable. Kick your husband into touch and your father. Tell your mother and MIL this it totally unacceptable and in todays society, women do not have to put up with being degraded, disrespected and suffer infidelity. Best of luck to you

He’s definitely also cheating IRL, you just haven’t found the evidence feel you need to be convinced of that or believed it yet.

Don’t take advice from serial cheaters or anybody in your husband’s family.

NC with everyone OP

Go for it. I support you. Be the villain that we love.

OP, you can break the cycle. All men aren’t cheaters. Please consider counseling or leave.

I told my son if he cheats on my DIL (daughter in law aka daughter I love) I was done with him. And she would get full custody of me with once a month visitation.

Tell him you’re gonna start talking to dudes online and get paid for sending them nudes/ chatting with them, give him the same energy he’s given you while you work on getting out, and if anyone wants to try saying you’re cheating or what you’re doing is wrong you can remind them that HE did it first and why was it okay for him but not for you?

You got a choice to make ! What do you want your life to be !

Get rid of your father, mother, husband and mother in law

Your Dad is a POS and so is your husband. If mom is willing, you should move in together and leave stbx and Dad to their own devices.

My ex did the same thing constantly. CONSTANTLY! and it did escalate he did physically cheat as well (one I got hard evidence for was my supposed “best friend” which was what made us finally split) fuck that shit. God I hate that people try to make it ok “oh it’s just online” like um no. Porn is one thing, idk I don’t really care about porn just don’t rub it in my face and tell me how much better they are than me (another thing he did constantly) but talking to women? Video calls? Saving their nudes? Private snap and Instagram which means he’s talking to them? Shit even OF where you’re talking to them and sending them money? Fuck no. Obviously I’m not enough for you so fuck you go find what you want go be single so you can whore around all you want dude. (Yeah maybe I’m a bit mean 😅) in reality it’s something wrong with the guy not you, (don’t listen to the idiots that say “well you should do this or do that you should fuck him more suck his dick more do you dress up for him do you experiment” blah blah blah I had people tell me that who I opened up about it and I tried all of that it fixed absolutely nothing He just escalated. He either has a porn addiction/sex addiction, or he is just a loser who can’t communicate that he isn’t into you anymore. Either way fuck him you deserve better.

I hate to be another random person on the internet who says "get rid of the toxic people in your life", but yeah, get rid of them.

My first therapist told me we pick partners that fit our past trauma. Feels like a well worn shoe that fits just right. It stuck with me and changed my picking process. Good luck OP.

Your husband is like "dear old dad".
Sounds like you made one mistake.

Being like your mom sounds like another you shouldn't make.

I'm going to suggest going to therapy for you.
Find out what your expectations of men are, what you expect from a husband and why you didn't get what you should have. What did you miss? What did you consider normal instead of being a red flag?
You don't want to live or repeat this shit.

good luck.

He has your family’s seal of approval for cheating so he will keep doing it and get better at lying and hiding it from you. Kick him out to live with your dad. Otherwise you will live a life of constantly looking over your shoulder. Either that or just accept cheating like your mom.

Dump the dude. He will only do it again. If you have children or want children do you want them to have him as a father figure. They will copy his before or look for a partner like him.

In regards to your MIL… some people rationalize toxic behavior when their brains can’t look at the weak spots/Achilles’ heel of their life. So they start minimizing and dismissing things to help it not seem so awful. She’s doing this because she doesn’t want you to divorce her son and the idea that her son is not a stand up guy, not a good guy, rewrites the history and tarnishes how she’ll look at him.

Hate to say this, unconsciously we pick a partner who mirrors the partner we have unresolved issues with if we did t resolve them in youth and carry it into adulthood. By choosing unconsciously a partner whose like your father, you may have chosen someone based on needing to work through the ways you wish your mother had handle things differently if you were in her shoes.

So ask yourself, now that this is being presented. What is the way you wish your mother did the first time she found out your father cheated?

Use that to finally break the cycle and handle what your husband did to you. This also sends a message to your father and mother that you are not letting history repeat itself anymore!

Unfortunately you married your father. Don’t let your husband continue to hurt, don’t become your mother. Divorce this man, you know he won’t change. Get therapy to break this cycle. Good Luck OP!

1. Go low/no contact with your dad and mother. They are toxic people who are in a codependent relationship. Your father seems narcissistic, the evidence of which is him telling your husband something that would hurt his own daughter. Your mother is codependent and has learned to accept her husband's continued mistreatment of her.
2. Divorce your husband. He is going to continue cheating. You can't trust that it was only online and you have no reason to. There are good men out here in the world, but you can't find them if you're holding on to trash. Let your husband go and cheat on the next chick. No one wants or needs a cheating spouse! His behavior is not benign! Imagine having kids with someone as dishonest as your husband is!
3. Go no contact with your husband's family. They are conditioned to allow cheaters to cheat without consequence, which means they are toxic people. You don't need those kinds of people in your life. There are better people out here for you!
4. Get yourself therapy! You are choosing men who follow your father's pattern. This means you need some help weeding those men out. Get help with that from a licensed therapist.

I wish you the best!

fuck that guy, leave. holy hell that is so sad

Of course your mum wants you to forgive him. She won't want you to do what she's never been able to do. Leave.

You can show your son what happens or his son what happens I’m not sure if he’s yours. Also, show them what happens when you cheat you lose everything. Of course your mother thinks that she’s a victim when you get beaten down so far in your life, you can’t stand up anymore put an end to him.

RUN, Dont forgive, dont forget. Run.

I always thought that the notion "dads should be the kind of man they'd want for their daughter" never prevailed. Your experience proves it.

Please leave him and do the opposite of what you're expected.

You are better than that philanderer any day. You honestly invested your love and time in a person you thought was worthy of your precious life and affections. Nothing more noble than that.

Chumplady is where you will find a lot of support for getting your ducks in a row and yourself on the path to healing. Get a copy of her book and commit parts to memory. Helps many stay sane dealing with cheaters because they are disgustingly unoriginal and cliché.

start of villain arc

You hitting the gym too?

Oh my god, they all sound absolutely crazy! Every single one of them is trying to gaslight you into thinking this isn’t a big deal, but it is!!! Divorce your husband and urge your mom to get a divorce as well if she hasn’t already.

Only you set the boundaries of what you will allow in your life. Not your mom. Not your dad. And not your husband. What they might say is tolerable doesn't mean you have to follow.

It's cheating to you. That's all that matters. And if you watched the abuse your mother suffered for years with a serial cheater, that's what you are opening yourself up to having if you don't do what's best for you and holding to your boundaries.

Them trying to make you the bad guy for making it a big deal...has nothing to do with good or bad. This is about what you want and don't want and taking steps to ensure your happiness. If it means getting rid of someone who gets sexual with others, that is your prerogative. They don't get a say in the decisions you make for yourself.

I wonder what he'd say if you decided to do the same thing he does. Talk to guys, sexual videos, online cheating. I bet he'd think it's cheating.

Pls leave ur husband and ur family. I guess cheaters don't feel the pain being cheated on. Dude save money get a job and move out and divorce this AH with evidence..Take full child custody and ask him to pay for child custody..I'm not sure how this gonna work..That guy and esp ur dad gonna burn in guilty later on...Pls be successful and be happy and u deserve someone better for ur good heart...Can't be naive for these guys anymore..Total red flags many chance to cheat physically..Ur mom should divorce ur dad for goddamn sake. Didn't he feel any pain when u cried..idk like I'm seriously don't understand no father would do this..Damn cheaters will always cheat and he is advising him to cheat..Just great..Time to shine up dude..

Embrace that villain arc honey!! And divorce your husband. Unless you want to end up like your mother, married to a serial cheater.

I loved my son in law. I just thought he was the best thing ever. Then he cheated on my daughter. Dead to me! I would have made it work if she wanted to reconcile, but so proud of her beauty, class, and integrity through it all. I cannot imagine not supporting your child in their darkest hour. My heart goes out to Op, I can tell the heart of a lioness will carry her through this!

Get a new family and a new husband.

It's funny because the same men who do this would think it's the end of the world if their wives did the same 🤣

I'd be so done

Honestly dump the whole group and move on.

Divorce and cut them all off

Yeah you need to lose some weight there hun. Seems you have a knack for finding loathing people! Been there done that myself. I went into counseling and learned that I grew up w that influence coming from idols you love and adore. You need to retrain your brain for a healthier outlook and learn red flags before they cause you to gain bad weight. So look in the mirror do you really want her to suffer? Of course not. So kick that dead weight out the door and love yourself more then anything or anyone. You deserve to not be cheated on at all regardless of which one they argue isn’t cheating.

I don’t like porn either but online he could conceivably fall in love w someone. That is all kinds of wrong.

Hold your head up and say NO MORE! Kick them both out.

I'm petty enough that I would gently remind my husband that I also know how to get rid of evidence (bonus points if this is done in a kitchen with a garbage disposal cause you can flick the switch on dramatically for effect). In seriousness you know the choice you have to make, either a little bit of sadness and healing or a whole lot of hurt like your mother has gone through, you've seen what your life will become if you stay.

Divorce him. Plain and simple. And don’t be afraid to go low contact with your parents until they figure themselves out especially through the divorce process. You don’t want them stressing you out more or potentially interfering by giving info you your soon to be ex husband.

Leave.

Get rid of everyone.

UpdateMe!

This must be why older generations stayed married for longer. I feel much like you though. I imagined marriage was about love rather than staying together for logical reasons.

I’d say the key component here OP is you seeking the care you need to move on from your past and who and what your mom and dad are/were. You’re not going to change them. You’re not going to rewrite the story by reliving and thinking you can fix that history.

Girl, I am here for that last comment of villain arc. I'll support the he'll out of that. Divorce him. Get better yourself. Step on men and make them pay you.

My parents are the exact same way jfc

The behavior makes me think he has some sort of porn addiction.

Of course your mom would say that! She stayed with a cheater, if you get and go, and be happy, it would question her entire life choices.

If you stay, this way, she would always believe what she did is right.

Leave, and find a man, a decent man.

sis leave .just because everyone puts up with that disrespectful behavior in their lives dont mean you have to continue cycle . I would suggest a serious talking with your parents after this as that itself is appalling that they want that kind of life for their daughter

Honestly, I would divorce him and be done. The trust is gone. He’s not gonna get any better. You’re gonna waste your life and you only get one in a miserable ass relationship get out of it ASAP. Your dad’s a piece of shit. We all know that your mom just accept the cheating you don’t wanna be her.

I'm so sorry everyone you're close to are the worst people ever but you sound like a strong, smart, independent woman. Good for you! I was cheated on before and forgave my then ex. We eventually broke up for other reasons but to this day, I regret forgiving it. I wish I had walked away immediately. Send us updates!

It’s emotional cheating and cheating is cheating and you shouldn’t be convinced by these other women who let themselves be doormats to stay with your husband!

Time to get rid of the husband and all the parents. Not a single person has your back and they’re all toxic AF

Divorce. Now

This sounds like sex addiction on top of cheating. He needs therapy.

Oh girl I love that last line! You go!

He belongs to the streeeeets!

So, a little personal story- when I was in high school, my high school sweetheart cheated on me with his former girlfriend. For several months of our relationship he was regularly talking to her, flirting, asking to get back together, discussing WHEN they would get back together, rehashing memories of intimate moments, etc. Who knows what else happened that I never saw.

I found out by accident and was completely blindsided. My family told me that even though it was hurtful, he didn’t “actually cheat” because it was online and over the phone. Because of everyone making me feel insane for feeling that this wasn’t cheating WHEN IT WAS, I stayed with him for another year. One of the various reasons I broke up with him is because I never got over what happened.

It’s been many years, I’m in a wonderful relationship with someone I’m married to. Im still flabbergasted over the fact that my family convinced me that my cheating ex didn’t cheat, purely because nothing physical happened. Yet, I’m shocked to hear that your family is doing the same thing over something significantly worse.

All of this to say, on a very small level I understand what you’re going through- he cheated, he broke your trust and betrayed you, and you have every reason to be angry and leave him if you wish. Your mom isn’t strong enough to leave your dad and do not let her project that onto you. Your dad is morally bankrupt. Your husband will learn NOTHING from this if he has nothing but yes men minimizing what he did.

Do whatever you need to do and don’t let people make you feel badly about it.

Seeking therapy for yourself would be a good first step. This is a LOT to sort through, and there is no need for you to do it alone.

If you find your husband untrustworthy, he no longer belongs in your life. If your dad is giving him advice on how to cheat better, and your mother wants you to stay with the cheater the way she does, maybe limiting contact with them would be a good step, too.

And at least ditching the husband would include ditching the enabling in-laws, so that's a bonus.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve someone who is faithful to you, as you are to them. Do not settle for anything less.

Everyone except you in this scenario is garbage. Get out asap.

Also, it's not online cheating, that sounds far too innocuous.. he was fully cheating and just used apps to do it.

I hope you're able to at the very least go NC with these hideous people, your father first and foremost.

You go girl. Be the best villain.

Girl leave and go no contact on all their asses

MIL is just making excuses, your father sympathizes because he’s the same way, and your mother just knows to look the other way when it happens. I say divorce and get away from those people. Cheating is cheating.

Uh first off get rid of your family and divorce him. He’s done it now and he got the green flag to go ahead and cheat from your dad and mom and his then he is 💯 percent going to do it again. Second off I would distance myself from those parents of yours. They will do nothing but bring you down. Family doesn’t always have to be blood and you can find better people

Dump all that baggage! Send them up the river!

Ew throw the whole lot out

Sorry but you need a divorce. From your husband, and apparently from your parents. If they still give you shit, then YOU need to start "looking through a sexy magazine." Send nudes, diddle yourself on facetime, the works. It's not cheating ;D

​

If you got no one to do that with, I volunteer as tribute (this part is a joke. Please don't. I'll collapse from the pressure.)

Divorce the husband and dad

Divorce and drop parents

Bro get rid of all of them. Cheating is cheating regardless. And just cause your mom ain’t got no self respect doesn’t mean you have to follow in her footsteps

"this is the start of my villain arc"

No OP. This is the start of your divorce and NC arc. It sounds like none of the men in your life value you, your feelings, or the very notion of fidelity.

Did your husband actually have physical sex with someone else? No, but it sounds like it is only a matter of time. If you want to save the marriage it might be done, but it will take a lot of counseling and your husband getting checked out and if needed treated for sex addiction or whatever else is guiding him to this behavior.

Then, there is your husband's scumbag support system. Your own father's answer to you being hurt and betrayed is to encourage your betrayer to do it better next time. That's screwed up. Your MIL is minimizing. For your own emotional well being, it might be time to go LC with those two for a while.

Your parents are just trying to use you to justify their own life choices. If you choose to make the same choices when faced with a similar situation, it confirms for them that their decisions were the right ones. If you don't want the same future they had, you should make different decisions.

Or, you start making your own online profile, have steamy talks with men l, and have online sex openly. Since apparently that's allowed in your relationship.

Yeah, I’m kind of starting to think the less we tolerate cheating and the more we brought them out on their families there unless they’re gonna start doing it every use the Internet for something good let’s read out the cheaters. By the way, leave them otherwise this will be your life.

I hope you don't forgive him and leave...please love yourself. Why is this so common man...In our country we say it's a curse to the daughter of a man who cheated or abused the wife. Anyway, hopefully everything goes well for you from here.

You need to leave and talk to a divorce lawyer. Once a cheater always a cheater. When someone shows you who they are believe them

Don't take advice from a dysfunctional relationship. I would leave your husband and find some who cherishes you and treats you with respect. Your husband, father, mother and MIL can shove off.

Let that man be someone else’s problem. Dump him! Just because your mom is ok with sharing her husband doesn’t mean you have to.

Get rid of all of them. Every single one. Husband divorced, mom and dad NC. You deserve so much better

Once a cheater, …

Cut all of em off and start new.

Ffs. Go find yourself a therapist and a divorce attorney. Find a hobby and build up a support network and get these shitty people out of your life before it consumes you.

Trust your instincts, and distrust those whom tell you to distrust your instincts and feelings, and promptly yeet them into the miserable abyss they deserve.

/u/Scary_Yogurt_707 you are the only sane person among the four of you. Never ever doubt that.

MIL also told me that what his son did was just like looking through a sexy magazine.

There's a valley between looking at porn and online cheating. Wild.

Wait wait are you saying he looked at porn or physically cheated?

Gotta love the old generation women mindset; it doesn't matter that much because they return to them and they are married with kids.

I rather have my value of being a person respected, than stay attached to a serial cheater.