I come from extremely abusive family and one of biggest issues is I cannot talk about what happened to me. I go mute. I literally cannot get out words of my mouth. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. This year’s objective for me was dive into this topic. It’s may and I still cannot do it. I freeze and go mute as soon as I need to talk about it or deflect conversation. This is getting frustrating for me and my T. So I had idea to talk about it in third person. Like those things happened to this other person and not me. There was this child - not me - who was beaten and humiliated. I think this might work and help me. I have not yet discussed this with my T. Has anyone tried this - does this help? Talking about abuse as it happened to someone else?
I haven't done this officially or formally but I noticed sometimes I will flip to third person briefly. My therapist has never said anything -- although I'm sure she's noticed -- which makes me think it's a common thing to happen. Maybe just start doing it and see how it goes.
To answer your question, yes this does help. I would mention to your T that you’d like to try it because I think it’s a wonderful idea. I have done the same thing.
This sounds like a really great idea. I definitely switch to second person sometimes when talking about how I feel because it seems less difficult and vulnerable.
I struggle with a similar issue when it comes to talking about certain traumas. I’ve only tried for several weeks and haven’t figured out how it will work better.
But I managed to write some points down (what happens, what I thought, a smell or a sensation) in just a few words - while I was sitting in a crowded place. I think this kind of helped me to step back and not get too involved with what I was writing, because I wouldn’t allow myself to show the emotion that I would feel normally while thinking or talking about it. I kind of separated a little functional part of me who did this task of writing, the rest of me was present hearing people talk and watching them and tasting my drink. It was exhausting though but I could put the paper in my bag and casually walk away… I didn’t plan it this way, it just happened as I had a little time for myself and thought about my problems in therapy and felt the urge at least to write something down.
In the next session I managed to read parts of it to my therapist but it was super intense and difficult. I needed at least 10 minutes of preparation, breathing, trying to get some inner distance, pretend, it wasn’t me (worked semi well)… while I was reading, I got nauseous, I started to sweat, my heartbeat was very fast and loud and everything inside me was crying “Nooo, stop doing this!!!”… I guess I panicked. I had to stop in the middle of my notes and we spent the rest of the session sitting with every emotion, acknowledging my efforts and grounding myself again.
My therapist said, it was a big step and that this was basically a first step of processing the trauma and a kind of exposure therapy. These unpleasant feelings need to be felt so that they can be integrated. I know from other traumas that they get weaker and weaker every time I expose myself to them in a safe environment with my therapist. I hope, it will be the same for this one - but this one is really tough because of the intensity of my inner almost uncontrollable resistance against speaking or thinking about it.
Edit: I was thinking about splitting my attention while talking about this trauma by doing a jigsaw or something complicated with my hand (knitting, rolling two little balls in one hand)… my therapist encouraged me to try, but I haven’t so far… I noticed at home that I was able to think through emotionally difficult things more easily while I was doing a jigsaw 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you! I have written about what happened to my T but I cannot even discuss this in session verbally. I just freeze and dissociate. I love hearing your story and how brave you are. I feel pathetic that I cannot overcome my bodies response to past events but this gives me hope I can also find a way to do this.
Thank you too for your kind words and for sharing your situation!
Yes, dissociation is almost a reflex, isn’t it? It is very hard to act according to what you may have decided earlier and you know what’s good for you. It’s so enormously hard to act against your whole instinct of avoiding/dissociation. Sometimes it doesn’t work by force. That’s why I‘m searching for ways to trick my brain.
You are not pathetic! You are doing your very best, I’m sure! I can relate to this feeling though… and I don’t feel like I was super successful in talking about it at all. I’m not looking forward to the next session either… After the last one (where I read my notes) I was quite a mess for a day or too… but I know this stuff and can handle it. But it’s hard.
I remember, we did something prior to talking/reading about the trauma. Normally we do regular EMDR (exposure protocol?), but when I mentioned there was something I cannot even talk about we made something called “flash technique” (at least in German speaking areas). That means I had to choose a resourceful memory with all it’s emotions and sensations and practice imagining it and really feeling it. In the next session we used the stimulation light (point goes from right to left and back all the time) while I tried to stay in this resourceful memory as deep as possible. Then the light would stop and every light of the lamp went on for a second. For this second I should just touch the trauma memory, just think of one word or image. Then we went back to the normal stimulation and the resource and repeated this a few times. Maybe that also helped. I will try to go on in small steps and hope that it will bring success on the long run.
When my therapist and I were working on my abusive childhood I had buried most of it and then nightmares revealed some things. We began talking about how it and I was like two people. Me now and me the child who was abused. I would actually on purpose “switch” to younger me who had a childhood nickname. She was terrified at first but started talking and it was like my therapist and I were both hearing it for the first time. Eventually she felt like part of me
we do something similar in my therapy sessions so i think it would help! my T primarily uses IFS so i usually address my parts as separate parts of my self. like, i sometimes tell that my "anxious self" is feeling hesitant to open about a certain topic or that my "shameful self" and "disgusted self" are embarrassed to talk about about my trauma. definitely helped me come into terms about the tangle of emotions i feel about my trauma
You should try it! It’s definitely some sort of technique that I’m sure your T is aware of. My T has actually encouraged me to do this since I get the same way - my body confuses then vs now. So my t encourages me to create a separation of current adult me and her (my younger self). My T will ask me how does she feel/ what does she need and what is she telling you, and have me try to talk to her as if she is this separate person/child that I can reparent her now and be the adult and give her what I didn’t get. It’s kind of trippy and I’m not sure of the modality here but it has helped me to be less judgmental of myself and shut down with shame. With this approach I can be more compassionate and empathetic with myself which feels way more productive. I’m still digesting it all so apologies if this is a bit rambly! This is incredibly hard work and some days are easier than others but you can do it and you will get there
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