I frequent this sub on my main account and have come for advice (and to sound a warning) after a particularly bad experience with an associate social worker mental health counselor (LMHCA).

First, I am very picky with therapists. I look for a vibe, bio, modalities (seeking relational), then consultation. I ask questions. I make it clear that I’m No Contact with my family of origin and ensure that they respect it upfront. I also tell them I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD. While I have not been in therapy since 2016, I’ve had some events in recent years compel me towards it again. So, I ended up finding this guy and he seemed to tick the boxes. Bonus that he was LGBTQ as that was a pain point in my story as well.

He was an associate but I’ve seen this sub recommend them often as the supervision is supposed to add an extra layer of security in the relationship. My long search felt like it was over.

I let him know that while I wasn’t here to really delve into my childhood/parental issues (I’d made a lot of progress in 2015/16 on that), I wanted to give context as I felt they informed my current issues and were somewhat relevant with one parent in particular. He had "trauma-focused" as part of his specialties so I figured he could provide at least some base-level validation in this area.

First session: promising beginnings

The first session, he began with a very open-ended, “So what do you want to talk about?” I was a little startled as I figured he’d be more directive initially given the voluminous paperwork I signed. I told him I thought we’d go over my intake paperwork and build on that or something. He said, “We can if you want” and I hesitated before saying, “Yeah I thought we’d do that”. I got a little spacey because I was uncomfortable being put in the driver's seat right away, so I imagine I looked "unsure". We were at this sort of awkward impasse where I was waiting for him to go but it felt like it wasn’t the “right” answer since he remained silent, so I just yeeted all care and dumped some of my story with my dad (heavy on control, emotional neglect, and rejection of my identity as a gay guy). He seemed to listen well and chimed in with a sentence or two, infrequently. I figured I’d ask for more input in the next session. I was content just telling my story.

Second session: cracks start to show

A couple weeks later (his only availability was bi-weekly), I started the session by asking what he thought of what I’d shared. I was looking for more validation to build the rapport that I felt was missing. I also had a bit of a vulnerability hangover I’d been working through. He gave me a generalized/vague response that made me think perhaps he was being too “clinical” with me, so I prompted him further for specific feedback by mentioning some examples in my story. I said, “What about the time I had a tantrum when I was 9 and my dad threw me from my door onto my bed across the room?” And his response was: “Well… it sounds violent” (said in a caring voice, for what it’s worth). I’m thinking, really? That’s it? (Whatever he may have followed with did not leave an impression; I don't remember.) Then I tried helping him out more by mentioning the time my dad ripped out a page of my diary as a teen wherein I said I’d never accept his homewrecker wife: “This was a profound violation of my autonomy and identity,” I protested. He just listened quietly. Not even an agreement??

Essentially, I was not getting anything near the energy I felt from these events reflected back at me in a positive/validating way. And he somehow whiffed entirely on the “dad doesn’t accept gay son’s sexuality” theme I had also talked about that is so pervasive in our community and a big reason I was drawn to him in the first place. He didn't even mention it.

But alas, he’d managed to eke out enough all-purpose support that I let my guard down and proceeded with the other (and worse) side of my story: my narcissistic mom. I decided that with the 20~ minutes left in the session I’d speedrun through the worst of the horrors I’d endured with her (heavy on abandonment and emotional abuse) – enough that he had several pretty animated reactions listening to me. I truly thought, well, this will “grab him” for sure. And it seemed to. To his credit, he let me run about five minutes over but it was very much the energy of me dropping a bomb to address later.

As a result, I had a pretty bad anxiety hangover for the better part of a week after that. And also because I knew the next session (this week) would be determinative. I needed more than what he offered regarding my dad and to know that he was actually remembering things. I felt suspicious he wasn’t.

Third (final) session: the unraveling

As usual, he began by asking what I wanted to talk about again. (That felt like a bad sign already as I was expecting him to reference how the last session ended.) I said, well, the comedown from the last session was rough and I think I made a mistake cramming all my motherly abuse and trauma into 20 minutes in an effort to maximize these bi-weekly sessions. I told him my story with her is more of an emotional hotspot than my dad. This time, I stopped there before asking what he thought – I wanted to give him the bare minimum ammunition. I then asked for his feedback on our session.

His response was to the effect of, “Well, I could tell that it was harder for you emotionally than with your dad and that it was more difficult for you to talk about.”

Then silence. End. Fin.

At this point I’m looking away and trying to gather my composure. After a few long moments I said, “I get the sense that you’re not remembering things I’m sharing.” He neither confirmed nor denied and became sort of evasive. I got angry and said that while I understand having a caseload and not remembering EVERYTHING (to which he nodded), there should be some main points/themes he can recall when I’m unraveling my trauma for him. But to just blank entirely and pass off some phony repurposed platitudes IF I feed him enough? As I pressed him more on specifics he was able to recall exactly ONE thing from both sessions (that was actually a trauma in my lineage before I was born involving a social worker, so not even a personal trauma -- but it was the most emotional). I will say he was receptive to the feedback and while evasive, did not get “defensive” per se -- although one could argue evasiveness is still defensiveness. He did encourage us to try to find a way forward with the feedback I was sharing. And he did say he was grateful for it.

Despite that, I told him this was a baseline expectation for me (i.e. competency) and not something I felt should have to be worked through in the first place. Not on THESE topics.

Yet perhaps the part that bothers me the most… during all this I mentioned a couple times how I didn’t trust the process since the supervision is supposed to be a supplement yet how is it even in the equation at all if he can’t remember our sessions? He NEVER answered me. No reassurance about his relationship with his supervisor whatsoever. I also asked if he took notes and he flashed a quick grin (which I took as... nervousness?) and gave me a hesitant, weak affirmation that he did.

He also mentioned how he recalled I wanted to talk more about the present and that I was trying to get to it quickly, which is true, but that doesn’t mean he can just coast until then? I ended the video call 20 minutes in and told him we weren’t a fit. I felt so hurt and minimized by his memory issues, evasiveness, AND questionable note-taking/relationship with his supervisor that the whole thing just felt like a house of cards that crashed down. The only apology he gave was when I said I felt his feedback about my dad was generic and didn't really land, and he said, "I'm sorry for missing you" 😒.

The aftermath

So at this point I’m left wondering what to do and have two questions:

  1. If there’s a board complaint to be made. It feels egregious due to his total lack of information retention about my trauma, how that interfaces with his supervision, and his being coy about how his supervision is (or is not) guiding him. Where the hell was the oversight here? It seems like he's gone rogue. I would feel justified in a google review/board complaint. (I would not be inclined to pursue a complaint on a fully licensed therapist.)
  2. After I terminated with him I contacted the office regarding a delay I've been experiencing getting my records updated. His supervisor responded acknowledging I terminated and clarifying the delay. My concern is that she is different from the supervisor listed on my intake paperwork I signed literally a month ago. I looked her up on the practice's site and she is listed as a supervisor there while the intake supervisor is not. I just think it's weird I never got the memo? Is this an issue?

I would really appreciate some thoughts. Thanks for reading x

tl;dr: supervised therapist could only recall one specific thing from two sessions of my family of origin trauma and could not provide anything else (even themes) when asked, wouldn't admit to forgetting the sessions yet also didn't deny, gave zero reassurance about the oversight provided by his supervisor when asked, gave fake post-session feedback in proportion to how much I had recapped (fed) beforehand, and probably doesn’t take (good) notes. Seeking commiseration/advice on any complaint to make.

**ALSO ... I am not saying "avoid supervised therapists". I'm merely trying to increase awareness around the importance of not taking supervision for granted and perhaps asking about their working relationship during the consultation.