How do you deal with your classmates who talks about you behind your back?

School

I’m in the BSN program and when I started my program, I didn’t really pay too much attention to my grades because I’ve always been the “as long as im passing” kinda girl. But then I almost failed but got lucky i guess. So I changed my habits and began studying more and became more active in class. I think this surprised most of my classmates because I was a little quiet when we started.

I’m never the confident person but somehow being attentive in class and answering my teacher’s questions gave me confidence but at the same time, i started to notice my classmates talking about me.

I have a few mental health issues this kind of stuff gives me too much anxiety that i can’t focus anymore.

Any advices?

in StudentNurseby anxiousdauntless

92%

1mo

Qahnaarin_112314

1mo

Remember that you aren’t there to make friends or be liked. You are paying A LOT of money to learn about nursing and wasting time worried about them is wasting money. Laugh about the fact that if they put as much effort into being concerned about your hard work that they could achieve grades like yours too.

With your new found confidence you could also kill them kindness. Start being more outgoing and friendly. Be hard to hate by being friendly. If they’re still talking or being mean, now you can know that’s it’s 100% them and not you. Some people are just hateful and you’ll encounter them all of your life.

flubio123

1mo

Wow. As a person with a people pleasing disposition, even at work, this is good advice.

Qahnaarin_112314

1mo

I’m a people pleaser too and it’s rough out there. This isn’t easy to do but for every time you can accomplish this mindset you are one step closer to freeing yourself of allowing the behavior of others to control your happiness. This has helped me get better over the years and I sincerely hope it helps you and others 🩷

sealmeal21

1mo

Holy shit... Are you a voice in my head. This is exactly what I was going to comment. Yeah 10/10 this OP. As a great Micheal Jordan once said "Fuck Dem Kids".

Qahnaarin_112314

1mo

Maybe you’re a voice in my head! 😂

Fr though they don’t matter and odds are you’ll never see them again unless you live in a small town. They may get a job in the same facility but even then different departments and shifts, it’s so unlikely. And if you DO see them again after they’re mean for no reason I totally support pretending not to recognize them and forgetting their name often 😌

Traditional_Mirror26

1mo

Im not the best at giving advise because tbh i hate people lol but ive always been the if i make friends great if not fuck them type of person and lets just be honest here the ones that talk behind peoples backs are just insecure and hiding something either failing grades or their affairs lol just look them in the eyes when you see them talking about you and say go fuck yourself little tits ✌️

devjohnson13

1mo

Put laxatives in their Stanley

Virgo936ATL

1mo

The real STANLEY STEAMER haha

84Here4Comments84

1mo

Bahahaha chuckling quietly while baby sleeps

anxiousdauntless

1mo

funny they do have a stanley 😭😭😭

Ahazurak

1mo

They always have a Stanley

sealmeal21

1mo

It's because they're all about the tea but that shits never hot or cold it's luke warm and gross because Stanley's suck, just like them.

Sharp-Choco-9421

BScN student🇨🇦

1mo

you're the real one here

Trelaboon1984

1mo

I literally didn’t care at all. They can talk, I can ignore.

no_danskos97

1mo

Right here. Transcend the BS.

Competitive-Weird855

1mo

[Image]

hoidym

1mo

So as someone who has mental health issues as well, I tend to think that people are saying the worst possible things about me. I’ve learned (mostly in my 30s), that either they’re not saying what I’ve conditioned myself to believe over the years, or to walk away and spend time with people who like me for me. Be friends with people who celebrate YOU for being amazing and having the discipline to turn it around. You’ve got this! Ps-sounds like a total jealousy issue

papercut03

1mo

think big - at the end of the day, theyre the ones spending time to talk shit about you = less time for themselves.

I always think of it this way: pretend youre dealing with a child, if a child says something that doesnt make sense, you do not really pay attention to it so treat them as such.

Ok-Communication4190

1mo

Get shit done and don’t worry about the haters. You’re there to become a nurse, not prom queen.

Virgo936ATL

1mo

I'm a PCT applying for RN programs now. I've been working as an ICU/IMCU tech for 15 years and a med tech at an assisted living. I promise you; healthcare is POLITICS. It's always a big club that you're not in. It does not matter the discipline; you will always be discussed. I take solitude in knowing I'm not miserable like them. Some moments are a teaching moments. Someone could be venting frustrations about something you overlooked. Depending on the severity I may pull someone aside to have a friendly discussion. My motto? AS LONG AS IF AND WHEN I ASK FOR HELP AND IT'S PROVIDED, THEY CAN KICK ROCKS IN FLIP FLOPS! I don't know these people outside of this time clock and they don't know me, so what are they really saying? Blowing hot gas out of their ass because they're full of shit. I converse about patients and patients only and go home to the people I care about. Also, I'm a confident person and never cared about the opinions of others in regard to me, because do you think you know me better than me? If I made a mistake, tell me so I can fix it, but if you're just talking.... IDGAF.

Then_Kaleidoscope_10

1mo

I think it depends on the culture of the organization. I have been in one like you describe, but there are others, and it’s on us to shift the culture to one we want. I love civility and cooperation, and work hard to nurture it in my life. Others pick up on this and do what feels right for them.

Virgo936ATL

1mo

I love team work and many times when I work that’s what it is. I’m a pep talk, let’s get this done and have a good day/shift type. But in every place I’ve been, and I’ve also traveled as a PCT, there is ALWAYS a negative Nancy with a stick so far up their ass it is STUCK and refuse to be anything associated with positivity. They are miserable day in and day out never with a nice thing to say. Most are the people working healthcare and absolutely hate everything about their job and carry the load of breadwinner and see everyone around them as leeches. You can’t even ask them to help their own patients bc they’re tired of being asked for things and had to be self sacrificing in the beginning. I see it all the time. I can spot that misery from a mile away and avoid them all together. You can’t co work nor co exist with misery. That’s why they are lonely, and often talk about people to find someone with a common enemy (enemy of my enemy is my friend type) so their misery can have company and they both can lack accountability.

Working in this field you’ll see what I’m talking about. One of the most important skills healthcare will teach you and help you fine tune is the ability to read people.

In school/work, everyone is a resource, treat them as such. A nurse may be good at iv’s, one good at knowing policy & protocols, etc. everyone has a particular thing they’re really good at. Figure this out, pull what you need to tune your skills and manage your time. Give compliments and appreciations and thank someone for teaching you something you didn’t know. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want repeated, do everything to the best of your ability within your ability, go home and decompress. Hobby’s and safe coping mechanisms are KEY to balanced mental health or overtime you’ll warped into the negative Nancy

DameGothel_

1mo

Listen sweetheart. The mean girl to nurse pipeline is insane. Does ignoring it make you feel good? I’m guessing not based on this post. Bitches like this go unchecked and that’s why they behave the way they do. It horrifies me daily the behavior I see from some of my classmates, thinking they could one day be taking care of a vulnerable human being.

Next time, let them know you can hear them. You’re literally not bothering anyone. You’re answering questions they probably do not know the answer to. When people feel inferior they start running their mouth. Turn right around and ask “I’m sorry did you say something to me? Can you speak up?”

Passive aggressive little turds.

Then_Kaleidoscope_10

-1

1mo

I also have a strong sense of justice, but I think an aggressive confrontation is not a good choice, either here or in future professional interactions. I think a more productive approach would be to practice therapeutic communication skills, not take things personally, and ask open ended questions to learn more with a genuine curiosity and desire to resolve the issue(s).

Being professional and maintaining a culture of civility can be very powerful in putting and keeping people in check, without endangering your own position. This is also a great tool moving into practice where there will be many patients who are rude or otherwise abrasive, by not taking it personally and therefore reducing the stress evoked and improving the quality of care we provide.

Most people react well to this, and often come around with apologies.

DameGothel_

1mo

This is what you consider aggressive? I’d call it assertive. Nothing I told her to say was unprofessional.

Then_Kaleidoscope_10

1mo

Yes, putting “bitches” “in check” for “running their mouths” comes off as aggressive and unprofessional to me, as well as, “I’m sorry, did you say something to me? Can you speak up?”, which is a textbook example of passive aggression. It’s not language or an approach I would use and expect a positive and collaborative result from. It is certainly assertive and establishes a boundary, but not in a positive way.

DameGothel_

1mo

You can put people in check professionally. Your hug it out approach is honestly ridiculous. Why is the onus on HER to “maintain a culture of civility” ?

she’s been doing that so far. She’s not bothering anyone and they’re fucking with her. Why does she need to be the doormat? You’re weird, I’m sorry. These false equivalencies about quality of care and “what if your patient was like that” when that’s not even anywhere near what she’s talking about.

Then_Kaleidoscope_10

1mo

I’m curious what you think my “hug it out” approach entails. It appears to me you are making some assumptions, then labeling your assumptions as “ridiculous”, “being a doormat”, and “weird”. What is it that you imagine I do? When replying with your imagined scenario, remember that my approach is effective, as I mentioned, and has a history of generating unsolicited apologies from others, so please don’t make it too ridiculous/unrealistic.

I see no mention that OP has been “doing that so far”, i.e. having any communication at all other than being active in class and answering questions. What sort of therapeutic communication techniques did you imagine or identify she’s attempted after reading the post?

At this point I’d like to mention how problematic it is for me to spend half or more of my responses pointing out the numerous instances you continue to make assumptions, attribute them to me, then denigrate the straw men you’ve created. If you are interested in discussing this topic more with me and wish to truly understand rather than assume you understand, It would be helpful moving forward if you would take some time to do this work yourself. It might be helpful to ask clarifying questions rather than make statements, such as “Are you suggesting they hug it out?”. Do you recognize and understand what I’m requesting?

Regarding your statement about “false equivalencies”, there is nothing false about the efficacy of therapeutic communication, it is evidence-based practice. The key concepts are the same foundations demonstrated in many other communication disciplines. Active listening, negotiation, motivational interviewing, and mediation all use these same principles. Humans are humans, whether they are patients, professors, peers, or parents (I couldn’t help it, the alliteration ran away with me. I AM weird, but for different reasons 😅) tend to react well to being listened to, being allowed to express themselves, feeling understood, and discussing healthy and firm boundaries (including appropriate behavior and interactions). There are many aspects of healthy communication that I’m not mentioning, there are whole courses, books, studies on these topics. Difficult situations such as OP describes can produce opportunities to practice these skills.

DameGothel_

1mo

I’m not reading all that. I’m happy for you, or I’m sorry that happened.

[deleted]

1mo

the biggest advice i could always give: fuck 'em. too grown and under far too much stress to be worried about the opinions of others, much less to be bashing them. maybe they wouldn't be so sucky if they would focus their time on study instead of yapping about you

Open-Ambassador-5916

1mo

Don’t be too friendly, trust me. It’s fine to make friends but don’t get too buddy buddy with them, keep a distance. I unfortunately had to learn this the hard way. There are going to be many people that will want to pretend to be your friend but they only want to see you at your lowest, they will never be supportive or happy for you if you are ever doing better in the classes than them. Sometimes you may be fortunate to find some classmates that are just really kind and genuine, but I would still keep a distance. Like many have said, you are there to learn not to make friends and that’s what I always tell myself. We are there to learn and to work towards becoming a nurse, making friends is not going to get us our degree. If people are more busy talking about you and being concerned about you then that’s just plain ignorant and childish. They need to learn how to prioritize their education over gossip and being concerned about others. I know sometimes it can be a bit upsetting to know that people are talking about you but honestly I would just ignore it. After graduation you may never see any of these people again, hell some may even decide that this isn’t the profession for them and decide to do something else. You just keep doing you and don’t let anyone try to get in your way or try to mess with you

hostility_kitty

1mo

I got bullied hard when I was in nursing school. Just ignore them and keep acing those exams. They’ll never amount to anything anyway. Those kinds of nurses will always be miserable in their lives.

MiaAngel99

1mo

You’re investing in your future by focusing on school. They’re investing only in the present by gossiping. Think about what’s more important.

meowlia

1mo

I don't know your age, but at 34 going into BSN I was not there to make friends or give 2 craps about what people said. In the 2 years I did open up to a few people and helped out younger students and I was ultimately selected as the student of the program at graduation for my campus. In the long run I helped the people that approached me and ignored those that weren't there to learn.

afilipinobean

Graduate nurse

1mo

I was pregnant and didn't tell anybody, even when I started to show. They started making rumors that the reason I didn't say anything was because I was giving up my baby up for Adoption but in reality it was because it wasn't any of their damn business!!

I had to remind myself that those people aren't your friends and I'm in school to get a degree. I graduated in December and haven't seen or talked to anyone since!

Then_Kaleidoscope_10

1mo

A couple things. 1. Small minds talk about other people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.

People talk about Beyoncé. It’s not all positive, but it is all because they are looking outwardly instead of inwardly. The anxiety you experience is also d/t paying attention outwardly. It’s not all bad, but needs to be in balance. That anxiety is a sign that it’s not in balance.
I DGAF what most people think/say about me, and the less they know me and interact with me personally, the less I GAF. For example, if some guy at a bar says I’m an asshole, it doesn’t affect me; whatever’s going on with him, I’m just some random in his warpath, it’s got no reflection on me. On the other hand, if my sister says I’m being an asshole, I want to know more about how she came to this conclusion, because she knows me well (and is also a kind person, with my best interests at heart).
As a nurse, your mental health and finding resources to support it is essential. What would you do for a patient having this experience? Think about your resources and how you can develop resilience. Rely on others, build your strength. You’re doing great already, turning your grades and study habits around. Be kind and helpful to your fellow students, be yourself and those that are positive will be drawn to you; the negative ones will be repelled. That’s what you want.

Ask your professors or program administrators what you can do. Counseling may be available through the program, school, or in the broader community. Maybe at the facility you do your clinicals at? You are in healthcare now, you should have some abundance of resources (for you now, and for patients in the future).

calvinpug1988

1mo

Ignore it. Get your degree and move on.

I probably still talk to maybe 4 people from school. And I knew them before the program,

Inevitablyart777

1mo

Ion give a gah damn. I’m here for my degree. Fuck em all

Bublymangowater93

1mo

Also in BSN school and despite being several months in, I only have a few acquaintances. I also recently struggled with my grades and despite being visibly upset, no one said a word to me. Point is, make your program about you and your success and try to tune out what everyone else says because at the end of the day, you doing this to make a career for yourself, not to necessarily make friends.

brovaary

1mo

Headphones/earbuds/earplugs whenever you can! I can’t do earplugs because it makes my head want to explode from tinnitus, but headphones and earbuds are my saving grace to avoid sensory overload. I almost always pull them out when we take breaks in the middle of/between classes to block out people talking unless I’m engaging in conversation.

GINEDOE

Nurse

1mo

I don't care. It means they are coward and lack the courage to tell me about me being shitty.

happyconfusing

1mo

People talk about everyone. Who am I, really? I could be anyone. I’m just another person. I don’t mind

RoPoMonly

1mo

Some people have too much time and energy and out of all the things they can do with that, they choose to be hateful. Better to use your energy somewhere more productive instead of them.

pineapple234hg

1mo

Confront then, stand up for yourself, simple

Acceptable-Parsley-3

1mo

Why do you give a shit? You’re there to learn, not make friends

xo-katie

1mo

I only talk to maybe 1 or 2 people from my program and I just graduated this past December. The people you go to school with, especially in your BSN program, are very unlikely to be lifelong friends of yours. You'll meet those people in the "real world." I know this doesn't sound helpful, but don't let it bother you. These students are just one very small chapter of your life, and after you graduate they will be a part of your past. Do not let these types of personalities put a damper on your happiness and success! From their POV, you're only worth talking about because you're doing well, otherwise they wouldn't bother. You do you!

ThrenodyToTrinity

RN|Tropical Nursing|Critical Care|Zone 8

1mo

Why would I have noticed or cared what other people are doing? I was there to become a nurse, not to get feedback from strangers about my personal life. I've never met a single person whose life was affected by what Alex said to Madison about their study habits except for the kind of person who went out of their way to make it affect them. Are your grades so good you can afford to go looking for drama?

If you're focused on what other people might or might not be saying, you aren't focused on the thing you're spending years and thousands of dollars to do. Stop wasting your time, stop getting distracted, and stop procrastinating by obsessing about other people and focus on your own work.