Thrice divorced 38 year old, headed to Ukraine to fight my midlife crisis. Hit me
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1mo
Like a wife in the '50s.
Olde timey pancake tits too
Dude’s headed to Ukraine.
Them’s tactical pancake tits.
Russians hate this hack
Looks like Ukraine already headed to him
Snoopy tits!! Couldn’t put a finger on it. Much like his micro wang.
Need a spatula for those flapjacks
He asks himself twice for a sandwich & then beats himself lol.
Off
Definitely beats himself
nahhhhh bruh 😂
His call sign in the Ukrainian army should be “pussy kryptonite”.
Nuclear pussy detected.
Nuclear pussy defected
Nucular puffy defecated
He's about to get blown up for a living.
He did say "hit me"....
I was always curious what happened to those guys in Bum Fights until today
Too bad you can’t divorce yourself from those titties
😭😭😭
Not a divorce, just a massive seperation
God damn that’s mean, and made me laugh. But still.
You’re not completely useless; you can always serve as a bad example
OP will star in a Russian POW video.
Or as a sandbag for some poor blokes foxhole.
Or as a self propelled pop up target.
Diabolical
At least in Ukraine you'll get better clothes 🤷♂️
Maybe a bra.
It's called a Bro and it's patent pending
NO, A MANSIERE!
A Bro-Siere
You want a piece of me?!!
I’ll drop you like a bag of dirt
Ukraine won't want him.
Bras are the only effective thing they can afford for common ground Between the two countries.
Bro, you convinced 3 women (or men) to marry you and f*cked all three up? There's one common denominator in three failed marriages, you.
Maybe they thought he had a lot of money… god knows it wasn’t because of his looks.
Maybe the women were bi and just into him for his tits
They divorced because he kept stealing their bras.
He's been divorced from 3 different cups: A, B, and C.
Finally ready for the D
🤣🤣
Be sure you bring your bras to the front in Ukraine. You can always lob rocks at the Russians when ammo runs low.
🤣
Happy Cake Day 🎉
Could’ve been the same one 3 times FWIW
When the tits come in, it's customary to shave the chin
HIS NAME IS ROBERT PAULSON
His name is Robert Paulson.
In death, we all have names.
His name was Robert Paulson
Bitch tits
Tony Stark Poverty
Benicio Del Pooro
Benicio Del Temu
Benicio Smell Pooro
Benicio de las tetas
Benecio Del Mas Tetas
His name was Robert Paulson.
That’s Bob, Bob had bitch tits
Nice tits
He needs a Bro
Johnny Deppression
You’ll be dead in a day so this is more like an end of life crisis.
Guy thinks it’s gonna be like playing CoD or some shit 🤦♀️
yes he's the NPC thats gonna get droned
Nah he is just there looking for victim number four desperate for a ticket to the us.
The Ukrainians will send him home 5 minutes after he arrives.
No no one look at this guy and he’ll be put straight on the front lines, the psychological warfare that is his appearance alone will turn the tide
"Here me out...He's convinced 3 women to marry him and they all wanted a divorce. This might work in our favor against the Russians." - Ukrainian Commander
They could tell him to run in a field to give up the locations of the Russians once they start shooting at him.🤷
I legit LOL’ed to this. You savage fuck.
Thrice divorced because you’re a 38 year old dude who calls himself Johnny Mayhem, posts his wife nude on the internet and looks like he hasn’t figured out that crushing an 18 pack of bud light cans hasn’t been cool since he was 21.
Russians going to be confused when they capture you. Is it man? Is it hairy woman? Is it bear?
You look like you just got back from Ukraine
You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you’re definitely a tool.
Evidenced by his heading to an active war zone because of a midlife crisis. Just buy a Harley and be done with it FFS.
The second wife got it. The third took the moped.
Andy Serkis really let himself go
Funny enough, he kinda looks like golem.
Who cares when 99% of your roles are CGI characters right? Guy deserves another well earned pack of beer and some quality couch farting time after standing up to take that picture
You’re the human equivalent of a “404 Error: Page Not Found.”
If this popped up instead of a 404 error page, it would be a jump scare. It would be a cruel and unusual user experience.
Why are you going to Ukraine? Is it a lifelong dream of yours to be the most busted looking person in a war-torn country?
It's not midlife when it's about to end.
Don't forget to pack your tactical sports bra
38 going on 68
( . )( . )
I’d first try a couple push ups. You’re tits are falling out of your shirt
Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?
Heading to Ukraine? You couldn't even bait a mail order bride in a war zone to come be with you. Damn.
He is the mail order bride.
Just remember no matter the outcome in Ukraine , someone is still putin it to your exes better than you.
This one is good and at least 2/3rds accurate
I don't know if Ukraine needs people who already look like a POW.
Those are some nice tits.
To fight your midlife crisis? Or to get a discount and much needed touch up on those bargain basement implants you are sporting below that dead animal you call a beard?
Dude, you’re definitely going to die, but this is how I’d go out too! Get it! Send us updates when you get to the frontline so we know how long you make it
What he didn’t mention was he was going there for Russia.
Don’t forget your bras bitch tits
End of life crisis. You put the der in fodder.
Too bad you can’t photoshop an ugly personality.
No need for us hitting you. Russian shells would probably do it pretty soon.
Bro literally looks like what you'd imagine a midlife crisis dad would look like. You can tell he looked good once but somehow he looks flabbier now when yo ucan tell he could have been buff with taht bone structure and his face is teh definition of ungroomed.
Man wants to fight a war to fix his midlife crisis but I'm not sure that would unfuck him as well as therapy.
Hey, look on the bright side... sounds like you're good at one thing! Divorce!
Soldiers need strong bones. Good thing you got them milk filled titties to help them stay healthy on the Frontline.
You look like you’re ’transitioning’ and still not sure which way you’re going.
This was the first one to make me actually laugh out loud. Well done.
Mom I want iron man. We’ve got iron man at home.
I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose
I see you got custody of the breasts in the divorce, so that's cool.
Username checks out, only a marine would get married and divorced 3 times then think going and dying in Ukraine would be the solution.
He ordered three mail in bride from Ukraine, never received the shipment. Now he’s going there himself to pick up the fourth one.
Your corpse will help fertilize a grain field in Ukraine so the best you can hope for us being reincarnated as a croissant
You just hit bottom and might get a dead cat bounce
You should call a hot line like for real dying in war is not the answer
Sokka-Haiku by True_Werewolf_8657:
You should call a hot
Line like for real dying in
War is not the answer
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
Those long suffering Ukrainian soldiers will be ecstatic at the site of your moobs.
I can't knock someone willing to go to Ukraine and fight for a nation that's not theirs. But, I can refer to you as Chicken Kyiv as your callsign from now on.
Whatever you’re gonna hear on subreddit will not nearly be as bad as the things you’ve experienced in your real life. Good luck in Ukraine, try not to get bombed 🤞.
It’s not that you’re weird; you’re just not normal
By the looks of things you've got a few more divorces heading your way.
Get a bra
No one needs to roast you here, that thermobaric will do the job soon enough.
Good luck. Hope you make it back for D#4.
I think its disgusting Ukraine is still actively recruiting those with special needs...
good luck corky!
Have a good time Ross.
Looks like u been in the trenches for a while already
Violent alcoholic
Stay safe and be careful out there
Thanks
You look like you’re going to fight for Russia
Poor guy thinks war is romantic. Rip
Damn dude, it’s not worth going to Ukraine over. Stay here.
Some Russian dude going to be your fourth wife!
Hey, you are going overseas to fight in a war where no side will win in the sense of a victory where that victor has a home even left.
I can't roast someone who is planning out not coming back to their own home.
Stay frosty.
Hey while you’re in Ukraine win the war for them would you? And get a fucking haircut.
Will do my best
And be safe!👍
Give em hell man
Good luck C cup🤣
Won't roast you, proud that you are going to fight for your values. Regardless of the politics, a man who fights for what he believes is just is a man to be respected
Ukraine needs bodies for the front. Do yourself and your future battle bros a favor in the meantime. Quit drinking smoking, etc, and start hiking with a rucksack.
You're a liability in your current state. However the average age of a soldier is 44 or something like that so you're not totally hopeless.
Good luck out there.
Bro, good luck
Well there is good news and bad news.
The bad news: you’ll die in Ukraine. The good news: you won’t have to get divorced a 4th time.
Head to Ukraine to fight. They really are sending the breast of the breast.
Come back, safe.
Best of luck, bro. You get a pass here from me.
Well, I mean, you'll make a great meat shield, I'll give ya that
You dancing in a U.S.O. show?
You look like the “Before” picture on a recruiting add for breast implants. You get much older you’ll be tucking those puppies in your belt like Stormy will be doing.
Thrice divorced?? Well! Time for a fourth go, huh? After they ship your corpse home from Ukraine I guess. Good luck!
Serious though, take care of your health. You look like absolute shit.
Don’t bother purchasing a round trip 🤙🏻
Don’t do it dude. Seriously. Beer and fishing so much more therapeutic.
The guy on your mercenary unit in Ukraine is the one who needs help. 🙄
Please don't go to, Ukraine.. You look like the noob thatd get 360 noscoped a mile away
My man has a teenagers hair cut, Stalin mustache, ISIL beard, and a kittens asshole in sticker form on his phone case.
Who did you marry? A communist teenage boy? A terrorist kitten?
Only way you got married 3x is if Hellen Keller had 3 grand daughters we didnt know about.
You think you are going to last in Ukraine? You don't mean you are looking to fight fight, right? Cause you don't have it.
Don't go to Ukraine, you are not in fighting shape. You are not going to fight your midlife crisis there just wind up dead.
title checks out
Most people in your situation just take out an 84 month loan on C5 Corvette and call it a day..not go to a war zone.
Rocky IX: Rock Bottom
Username checks out...
Headed to Ukraine because there is less oversight on U.S. government handouts?
Hoping the bullets bounce off them orangutan titties? Lucky for you, the Russians can't make you any less alive than the divorces have.
What shows up after you order Robert Downey Jr from Wish.Com
Ross Geller. Thrice divorced.
Look like a Tim Burton character
Only pussy left in his life is the sticker on the back of his phone.
You won't be a martyr, just a sad guy that died trying to mean something and failing.
You'd be better off getting therapy, but either way, I hope you enjoy whatever you have left.
Ukraine will probably divorce you too after your commitment to them.
Even Putin rejected you?
Can't roast you based off of your post history.
I do appreciate some good burgers.
What makes you think Ukraine isn't going to ask you to leave as well,?
At least your wives let you keep those tits in the divorce
Time for a shave, dont forget to shave the cleavage too.
I'd send more lunchables, but it looks like you already ate them sadly
High Jackman
Get some SLEEP, for the Love of GOD!!!!
So you'll be letting soldiers titty fuck you?
You eat bananas for the shape
Carl sub urban
geezis H they walk amongst us.