New to reffing adults and indoor

My advice is take some of those borderline comments and yellow card them immediately. Zero tolerance. Get a few of them on a yellow and watch them change their tune.

Ordinarily I wouldn't recommend this, but this isn't an ordinary circumstance. You're describing a pattern of repeated line-toeing and abuse, pushing your limits as far as they can. So put an early stop to it. Address it with captains at the beginning, and then don't hesitate to show yellow when they start testing you.

Ouch. I’m sorry for all the abuse. First, I’ve never reffed indoor, and I’m sure the ‘culture’ varies on location but I’ve heard indoor is much worse when it comes to abuse and generally agitated players than outdoors. Regardless…

Do you follow any of the big female referees out there? Tori Penso is BLAZING TRAILS, being the first ref to official a WC semi-final and final in the same tournament (cause she did so well in the semi), and is now doing all sorts of competitive men’s games, like CONCACAF Champions League (or whatever they call it). She’s active on IG and I’d suggest reaching out to her and see what she says.

That said, in general I think the skin of most seasoned referees is too thick. As you said, these guys know where your line is, so they just edge up to it without crossing it. An easy solution: lower your threshold for dissent. When you call the captains together, tell them something like: “Remember guys, we’re here for fun, ok? With that in mind, they’re pushing new standards for behavior, what was acceptable in the past is no longer acceptable today. Any dissent will not be tolerated. Understood?”

Most importantly, Good luck and if it helps, tolerating this adult babies bodes well for your future as a referee!

Female ref to female ref, card them. I’m a bit younger then you are, but essentially they treat us the same. They don’t like female referee, a lot of them treat us as less than. If you hear it, card it, if they complain and get upset that you carded them, card them again, stay within the laws but you don’t have to have brick as skin to referee. If they continue to dissent, insult, abuse you, card them. Yellow or red depending on what it is. They’ll learn eventually and depending on how big the league is, the other teams will hear what happened and maybe that’ll make them back off and if they don’t give you the respect you deserve as the match official and as a human being, they can receive cards for their actions too. You aren’t making them do these things, you are just handing out the consequences of their own actions. Cards are tools to control the game, use them! Don’t take the abuse just because. You deserve respect. You’ve got this!

Best advice I ever got from a seasoned official "never do adult leagues, never"

Time for some calibration. If players are "screaming and yelling" at a referee, that's at minimum a caution for dissent.

When the asides start, immediately correct them: "no, we're not doing that today." Even if it is before the match. If it continues or escalates, it's a caution. Abuse of a match official is a send-off, not a caution, and certainly not nothing.

This is not simply for you, it is for every other referee these assholes will have. If that doesn't sound like something you're interested in doing, tell your assignor and the league you are not interested in working for them. (This is why I don't like doing adult games, BTW.)

ETA: Work on body language, too. I am a very tall man with a deep voice, so when I work with kids I have to be sure I'm not communicating in a way that feels intimidating or shaming to someone two feet shorter. You may need to do the opposite when communicating with adult men as their Referee. When I took a class from a retired female Referee, she showed how to stand with strength and authority. Stand straight and tall, feet at shoulder width, arms a few inches from the body, shoulders squared, head even, expression neutral. Do that while looking in a mirror and you'll see authority looking back. You may play with stance and posture a bit to make it right for your audience and immediately accessible for you when you need it. You want to be strong, but not inflammatory or combative. Then practice the phrases and gestures you need.

I can't imagine you are getting paid enough for that sort of abuse. Sometimes you gotta look at the bottom line.

It's also crazy that your first indoor assignments are for a bunch of asshole adults. Would've been nice to work your way up through lower age groups. I think I can guess why they don't have anyone else to work those games.

Let me guess; they want you to make every call when they perceive that they are fouled but when you call them for a foul, they are insistent that it was “all ball”?

It's all been said in other comments, by more-experienced referees than I am, so I won't repeat everything.

My assessment of the bottom line: Stop taking their crap. I know that's way harder to do than to just say, but this kind of toxic masculinity is unacceptable and why you have cards. They seem to know where your threshold is, so lower it. Tell them before the match that you are going to YC the first comment that even smells like dissent or abuse, and the first person to complain to you about it (AKA dissent) is going to be sent off.

Then keep doing that until they're playing 7v7 like the 8-year-old boys they seem to want to be.

This is the only thing they are going to understand.

EDIT: Credit to u/Rhycar who said this exact thing before me and better, and I failed to notice.

My advice is to card. Aggressively. You’re there because no one else wants that job and they should be kissing the ground beneath your feet.

I tell my young players that we can have a game of soccer or a game of cards and it’s their choice which it will be.

Like the players never make mistakes.

I'm male - I quite adult indoor because they suck big time. I won't even do adult 11 v 11 because they get so angry and out of hand. I stick to adult co-ed, HS, and OYSA. Don't feel any shame!

And if you don't want to take the "easy" way out like me, start carding like crazy. If they scream at you or give you insulting one liners card them. Sin bin them. Stomp on their bullying. Stop the game, call the captains, and tell them you won't take it. Where is your assesor or league manager at? They need to get a 2nd ref out there with you. Honestly you are being screwed over by your assigned as well.

It’s a combination of having thick skin, managing it with your personality and showing cards when necessary. Players might know where the line is on single comments but when you hear one player 3-5 times that might earn them their yellow.

Also, it’s amateur soccer. They’re not getting pro refs so they shouldn’t expect perfection and depending on where you live you might not be able to get “fired”. Where I live I’ve worked 2 man on adult indoor and some other refs do not try at all.

In my area many of the better to the best referees won’t ref adult amateur once they’ve gotten to the point they want to be at in the referee world because they don’t want to handle the adult babies.

This is the reason why there's a referee shortage and why many refs, especially younger refs stop officiating.

You have to keep in mind it's normal. Although it shouldn't happen and be tolerated, it's inevitable. You need to develop a thick skin and let the words roll off your back.

Get an idea of why they are complaining and what calls they want/don't want and adjust. You just need to do more games to get more confident and comfortable.

Every ref goes through this, so don't feel like you're alone.

Can you ask to be reassigned? Say the same stuff you said here? Sorry this is happening to you. As a male it hit pretty hard when you felt that you needed to add that you're not getting emotional. You shouldn't have to feel that way it's 2024.

As for the players, just tell them that the only refs available were either you or Anthony Taylor. They'll be grateful and should get in line pretty quick 😂

If you can hear it card it!

Well, every game is someone’s World Cup, and nowhere is this more true than adult men’s amateur soccer. Here are a few tips that come to mind after reffing about 15 years of amateur men’s indoor soccer:

1. Just making the right calls is not going to get you where you need to be. You really need to learn the art of player management, and more specifically man management. You’re going to have to work hard before during and after the game to build, not only professional but personal relationships with the players, think of it as making a deposit for a future withdrawal.

2. You need to know the rules inside and out. This is generally true in any game, but it is explicitly paramount in men’s amateur indoor soccer. They are ruthless. The better you know the rules, the more confident prepared you’re going to be.

3. Don’t be afraid to shame a player, if that’s what motivates him or gets him to stop. “Such as “did your mother raise you that way?” and “ what if someone talk to your daughter/wife/girlfriend the way that you’re talking to me?” And so on do have a place, in my opinion. It’s up to you to figure out when to best to use these tactics.

4. You get what you tolerate, I’m not trying to victim shame you, but you do get what you tolerate. Don’t be afraid to give a yellow card for descent or red card card for Fallon abuse of language. The league should back you up. I once saw an MLS referee give a player in a college game, a yellow card for literally shrugging their shoulders.

5. Do what you can to position yourself on the field away from the assholes. If you are close to the bench, or close to that one guy that can’t keep his mouth shut, you are literally just asking for it. Stay closer to the “nice guy”, and Chat him up when you get a chance. Not only will your environment be better, but he’s more likely to defend you when the asshole gives you a piece of his mind.

6. Call a VERY tight game. If someone complains, tell them that when they want to act like adults, you’ll call the games like they’re adults. But when they act like a little kids, you’ll call it tight just like you do for the little boys.

7. You have not alluded to this at all, but any sexual references or abuse of any kind is a red card, period.

One thing that could help is to have everyone attention before the game and tell everyone that you will have no tolerance about any comments about your calls. Any, as small as they can be. They will test you and you show the YC at the first chance, which will be at the second minute probably. But from there, hopefully it will help 

If you can hear it, it's dissent. If they start going over the line with their play that's unsporting. Don't be "card happy" but when they need one give them one.

Just repeating what others have said, but a yellow or two out of the gate will help. And, it is COMPLETELY justified. Law 12.3, under “Cautionable offences”, says “A player is cautioned if guilty of: dissent by word or action”. Further down, under “Sending-off offences” it says, “A player, substitute or substituted player who commits any of the following offences is sent off: using offensive, insulting or abusive language and/or action(s)”. Be bold, and be confident! 👊🏼

Stop reffing that league, they’ll either find a new ref or they won’t be able to play. You don’t have a ton of room to complain if you keep putting yourself there. 

Also everyone else here is coming from the angle that you’re 100% correct in your assessment, which is never the case. There’s a very real possibility you aren’t at the level required to ref those games and you don’t learn from your mistakes. 

Not saying this to be mean, just think it’s better for all parties to separate.