User deleted post
What one important social skills that greatly improved your life?
Random QuestionRight now, I'm trying to work on my emotional intelligence. You know, really listening to people and trying to understand where they're coming from.
I hear you.
I agree.
I'm working on this too. Are you reading any specific books or literature?
It's really useful to practice this on reddit. Every time you feel angry at a comment or a post, try to think about the person behind the post, where they may come from, and take a step back.
I found it helps me wonders and if I'm feeling a little angry, it resets me!
Yes, I agree. 🙂
You can try reading about Socrates. His philosophy is about this principle. It's not only good for your social skills, you can trigger your curiosity more and really learn in the same time!
Try; "Socrates on sneakers" really lightly readable.
Thanks I'll check that out. Sounds fun
The 7 habbits of highly effective people.
Not necessarily, although I do have a couple of books related to that. I did see some good books recommended below.
I am mainly trying to sit with my emotions, especially if it is a trigger, and trying to understand the why behind things.
Also with people, I am trying to listen and be genuine in general. It is definitely a work in progress, but it is something I want to better myself in.
I feel you on this. The sitting is what I struggle with. I always find distraction but I'm getting better at it.
Fwiw the books I found useful are
Finding Awareness by Amit Pagdia
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C Gibson
Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Right now I'm reading Healing Your Aloneness by Chopich and Paul.
Working on my connection with myself has helped me make more space for others.
Judging intentions rather than the person.
The word you’re looking for is empathy
And how does that make you feel?
pretty easy for me
One thing I learned way to late in life is if you show genuine interest ask follow-up questions and get comfortable with silences people will open up to you and talk about almost anything they need to get off their chest.
It's also a great way to figure out who is an asshole. If you just let them talk and get them to claify their point they will not hesitate to tell you exactly why they are assholes.
I don't understand.
that one must be aware of whether it makes sense to come up with examples from one's own life when others talk about vulnerable situations. Ask the question, does it make it useful to the person concerned or does it turn the conversation onto you when it is not meant to be
There's a helpful acronym that reminds me to stay focused on the topic at hand:
W.A.I.T. - Why Am I Talking?
This is something they taught me in my training as a therapist. It reminds me to keep the conversation focused on the person who is speaking. Is it helpful for me to provide self-disclosure or share my own experiences? How could it be beneficial if I utilized silence rather than speech?
As someone who has ADHD, W.A.I.T. has helped me reduce the frequency at which I interrupt others or change the topic.
You have no idea how much this is going to help me going forward. Thank you for sharing. I also am diagnosed ADHD since age 17. I'm 49 now. I over share. It only hurts me in the end. I don't mean to over share, it just spews out of my mouth. All of my business. Thank you. W.A.I.T. you need more upvotes
The holy Grail right here! I'm aware I'm hurrying thru my words to finish my own sentence due to my nature of "finishing others sentences" they never intended on saying at all,, but yet I uncomfortably continue to do it like wtf. I'm going to utilize this acronym so thank u. Sometimes flowing is fun with someone who can flow with u thru endless unfinished thoughts and sentences but the vibe is there. But if put on the spot to try and think of stuff to talk about I will always draw blanks.
This is very helpful. Thank you.
This is a great acronym and concept! I'm going to try to be more mindful of this going forward. Thanks!
Being genuinely kind to others.
From experience of being kind to everybody, people take advantage of that, and makes you realize most people are out only for themselves
This is the important different between kind and nice. Being kind isn't being walked over. It is kind to say no when someone asks a favour that you can't/don't want to fulfil. Because doing it resentfully is unkind. Having boundaries is an act of kindness to yourself and to others. Saying people will take advantage is a cowards excuse to shy away from social responsibility
Those are completely different issues. You can be kind, but not a gullible sucker.
Can you give any examples or explain how that's worked? I personally find that being kind has usually resulted in others acting similarly, but I might just be lucky with who's around me.
I won't lie, some people have taken advantage of my generosity and good nature, but that's just led to me having a better radar for who should be in my life, or at least who to be cautious with
Agreed, i give everybody a chance but if you prove multiple times that you cant appreciate what I do then you won’t get my “above and beyond” attitude. Especially at work.
THIS
Listen more. Talk less. Significantly less. People will gravitate towards you more if they know that they can talk to you and be heard.
What if I talk less and smile more
Depends on if you smile like Dolly Parton or Norman Bates
Then you won’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for
But I wanna get ahead, and I’m told that fools that run their mouths off wind up dead
this guy wants us to spy on people
Eye contact. It's huge. Make strong and confident eye contact, and it goes a long way in your work life, your social life and your love life.
Make sure to stare, unblinking, into the other's eyes. Don't break eye contact, or you lose.
Is it that important tho? I rarely or never look in the eyes of the person im talking to
Well, you should start.
why tho i used to have a teacher that was angry i didnt made eye contact but that was the only instance
Lmao, I don't say to make eye contact so people don't get mad at you.
It shows confidence and assertiveness. It makes you connect with people on a deeper level, and they will listen to what you have to say and respect you more than if you're looking at your damn feet. Your teacher was just trying to teach you a good habit to have.
Eye contact and where you tend you cast your eyes while you're thinking/listening/talking depends on your communication style. It's really easy for two people to get the wrong impressions of each other just because they have two different communication styles.
If you want, you can be more deliberate about using the most common communication styles or about picking up on how the person you're speaking with does to adjust your approach on a case by case basis.
I work with a client base and it's also common for me to network with employers, educators, etc. and it has proven to be really important in that setting. Outside of such a people-facing occupation, it's important in things like interviews. It can definitely help you get things you want lol and probably changes how others view you.
Once I was aware of it, it wasn't hard to observe and use in my day to day - if you're interested, start by checking out some videos on communication styles.
Simple thing: know what you're talking about and don't talk about what you don't know.
Work retail. I believe everyone should at least once.
I didn’t know how shitty humans were until I had to “wait on them”. What a bunch of entitled babies.
“this is water,” by David Foster Wallace, should be required reading/listening for every human being!
During my Sophomore/ Junior year, I applied to work in the gift-wrapping department at Macys (over 15 years ago.) There were people, clearly taking advantage of complimentary gift wrapping services with no charge on anything, and I absolutely understood that. However, there were a few came with California King bedding sets, packaged in one of those giant bed-in-bag packages asking me to wrap the set. I explained I’d do my best but that our gift wrapping paper width wouldn’t cover so I’d need to wrap it with overlapping seams and it might not look good. Plus, the paper was thin so more than likely, by the time they haul it to their car, it’d rip completely. Took me a while to wrap it nicely bc it wasn’t exactly easy but I tried my best. Then, they told me they didn’t like how it look, asked me to rip everything off and do again. I obliged without much hesitation. I was young and trying to follow the “please the customers “ thing…. I was sweating in a tight space, struggling with the huge package that wasn’t exactly behaving…. Honestly, it was probably the best wrapping anyone could have done, but they still didn’t like it and asked to speak to a manager. Manager came, I didn’t care at that point…. Manager handed them a few feet of wrapping paper and a giant ribbon so they can do it themselves at home. They said they didn’t want it, demanded that I wrap it again.
And then what happened ?
I did have to wrap it again, using packaging tape, but took my time with it. They still weren’t satisfied but there wasn’t anything else we could do. I brought up this story bc it was a hard job in customer service but it was a valuable experience dealing with a variety of ppl.
Listening skill.
Assertive communication.
This means standing up for yourself, letting your wants/needs/concerns be stated, and being honest about your intentions. Being assertive leads to better outcomes and more fulfilling interactions, whether it's with a friend, partner, or even a hairdresser.
No one can read your mind. Being assertive saves a lot of time and emotional energy.
This
Active listening.
Also letting people finish their sentences
And when others interupt them, asking the interupted person what they were going to say.
My dad always taught me to be interesting and interested. If you can be both, people will take to you instantly. Most people want to be listened to, and if you’re interesting to them then you stand a great chance of making a connection!
That's great advice!
Bold of you to assume I possess a single social skill
Well, you've got one. Humor. That really made me laugh.
my humor is dumb as shit but thanks lmao
Being completely honest. If a friend doesn’t like the honest you then you shouldn’t be friends in the first place
Edit: I did not mean bluntly telling your friend their outfit sucks. I mean truly being honest about yourself and your life. Having a drug problem? Be honest. Simply want to cancel plans because you’re not having the best day? Be honest. A true friend will help you through these things and be understanding.
Honestly but not in a cruel way I hope!
I can this the Simon Cowell effect. Honesty/communication is the most important thing. Simon Cowell however is just cruel and rude and calls it honesty. You can tell someone they're not good at singing, or that outfit doesn't suit them, or they acted in a way that hurt your feelings, or anything! You can be polite or you can be needlessly aggressive. You can do it so it improves their life or you can say it so it crushes their self esteem.
Being able and willing to tell people to go fuck themselves. It has bought me so, so much peace
Also to be able to say, “I’m not feeling comfortable, I’m leaving.”
reciprocating conversation, and actually remembering details of what they say
Expressing empathy towards complete strangers, amazingingly most people don't even believe you are serious, until they see the actions one takes.
I've always had trouble understanding facial expressions, especially anger - I can't tell the difference between mildly annoyed and furious unless the person starts yelling/otherwise telling me. So I spent most of my life just assuming everyone was always somewhat angry at me for like, days after I had probably just mildly irritated or even just surprised them.
So I went to YouTube and taught myself visual markers. Also works for other body language if you're struggling with it. I work in marketing so understanding this stuff is pretty core to my career, though I got into it as a writer.
So I guess my important social skill is remembering that the internet exists and there is very likely no problem you have that nobody else has ever faced, at least in regards to relationship management. Social skills can be learned!
User deleted comment
1mo
Be genuinely curious about who you're speaking with as a person. I am terrible at small talk, but I find being curious and asking questions is an easy way to connect with people.
Patience.
As an Autistic woman i learned that not everyone makes things perfect and not everyone wants my help or people want to learn the hard way and experience the bs before they can do it right, and thats okay :)
I'm on the spectrum too, so I get what you mean... People pleasing is common in the autistic spectrum community
Relating to other people. Not seeing externals so much, knowing we’re all the same deep down.
I wouldn't say my life, but you can improve other people's lives by being able to admit you're wrong and if necessary, apologise.
Being sober. Conversations are so much more enjoyable and meaningful
Yeah I'm giving up my diploma in drunkenness
Listening
Learning how to tell a joke or comedic timing. I can defuse or lighten up almost any situation.
Amen
Empathy.
Really seeing things from other people perspective has definitely helped me not get annoyed or upset by people all that much. I don't believe anyone truly makes decisions to be hurtful. They might be serving their own interests but I believe in the basic goodness of people. And taking the time to understand why people do, act or feel the way they do leads to feeling less attacked in day to day life.
as Mark Cuban said "be nice, it sells well"
Telling people no and not over thinking about it for hours afterwards.
Self worth.
Without it, other social skills do not translate well. For example, what good is eye contact if the other person sees that you're really just forcing it because you're afraid of the social situation?
People call it confidence, self-esteem, etc. To me it's internal warmth (self compassion) & genuine belief that I can do the thing.. and if I can't in that moment, I won't give up.
It's the thing I was always looking for. It's a prerequisite for other social skills. If you want to change your social life and relationships with others, change the relationship you have with yourself.
i love this concept, been working on it myself.
i always thought i needed to have this strong appearance, be almost aggressively assertive to deserve respect. but recently i noticed how much that was draining me and jeopardizing my connection with people. embracing my softness, allowing myself to be vulnerable while communicating my boundaries was the change that i needed to find myself among all the social pressure.
thank you so much for bringing this up, i feel so validated.
Definitely not correcting English grammar.
What are social skills? Lol
The ability to talk to fish
I don't have social skills
Learning to STFU instead of filling the silence with meaningless words.
this was a recent thing but yes even tho it feels awkward to barely talk but i guess better than saying weird nonsense or very quiet words
My huge penis
Not giving a damn about anyone's opinion.
When you have a conversation, listen and then ask follow up questions based on what you just heard.
Thats 90% of being a good conversationalist.
Not judging others
Staying away from most people
Don’t let other people control your emotions. Master this and you are golden.
Whether it’s at work, friendships, family, bad drivers, a rude worker, etc. Imagine your life if nobody could make you mad, nobody could hurt your feelings, nobody could make you feel sad or insecure.
Don’t let anybody control your emotions. It will change your life.
Don’t let people who want what’s best for themselves dictate your self worth by convincing you what’s best for them is what’s actually best for you. They don’t care if you succeed or fail as long as they get a kick out of it
"Manipulation" some will call it. But if it harms none and is not at the expense of another person, 'be who you have to be in the moment for the best result'. In door to door sales with a natural gas supplier I learned to wear the mask that the person at the door wants to see. Being a different person at each door by tailoring myself to what kind of interaction they wanted to experience is something nuance nobody has spoken about. I'm on your side. Always.
Being able to more freely express my feelings and deal with conflicts.
Realizing that most people love to talk and aren't big on listening. I discovered that I can ask a few questions and the other person will basically carry the whole conversation and leave thinking I am a great conversationalist.
Understanding that unfortunately most people don't mean exactly what they say, and that neurotypical people have access to layers of dialogue that I don't.
I still don't know how to navigate a conversation well with that knowledge, but knowing it improved my life because I no longer legitimately believe people are playing mind games with me.
Trying to deliver on what I promised and not only apologizing if I messed up but also trying to make up for it.
Chameleoning
Active listening.
being girls girl. all the girls love me so much and that's enough for me i dont really care what boys think about me
Eye contact when you speak to others. Had a hard time with that when I was younger.
Being able to just listen to someone talk without being somewhere else in my head. It used to be so hard for me to listen because my brain gets distracted by every little thing.
Validating people's feelings without offering any unsolicited advice.
Reading body language
Quick witted and funny
Manners.
And genuinely like most people.
Listen to people. If the conversation lags, ask them about themselves.
your boundaries > being sweet and nice
Initiating. Don't miss chances even just to help waiting for others to do the first step.
The ones that helped me were; being kind to others and understanding that people can have different ideas than you but there beliefs are just as valuable as yours…except people who believe school shootings are false flag operations. Fuck those idiots
Listing & being friendly since my childhood. I have lot of friends from different countries, Origins & religions , this helps my cultural background a lot.
Use their name in conversation, and especially when greeting. Mirror their posture (discreetly). People really enjoy hearing their name, and mirroring their posture subconsciously makes them think you have a greater connection which will make them more relaxed.
Learning / remembering people’s names and using them. Also being quick to remind people of your name in a gentle way if you feel like they don’t remember, especially if you see them around often but not frequent enough. It’s just kind of a nice way to build community and a friendly relationship with neighbors, teachers, librarians, etc
Instead of reacting quickly out of emotions, ask questions to obtain more information. Then, when you do finally act, you will make a better decision based on information instead of making a poor choice while hyped up emotionally.
Staying out of other peoples dramas, we're all here to learn, its not my place to save you from your lessons.
Not saying what you think
stop people pleasing and setting boundaries
Don't show you are happy, calm, grateful and content with life.. show the opposite and they might just like you... That is if you want female friend ..
It is different with making male friend.. they might like you more with what I mentioned above..
Entering a room and confidently introducing myself to new people.
Listening, but not getting involved
Sounds basic, but learning to exchange pleasantries with someone before a conversation, no matter what. I never used to do that and since I picked up on that basic skill it’s done wonders.
Wait 3 seconds before I smile to people.
I must answer, knowing my way around a proper place setting. Those things have taken me places I don't think those with whom I attended school ever thought about going.
Sense I think this is the most important thing for good social relationship
Talking
Zipping up my fly and/or wearing pants, in general.
I once met a kind lady, while walking down the street she stopped me and told me to zip up my fly I appreciated that woman because not a lot of people would do that..
NVC as both an active education for a while and consistent, passive study has exponentially softened me toward others and myself. Not nearly so hard on myself anymore.
Honestly ? Dropping the ego and attitude. My life took a sharp 180.
Asking people (including strangers I cross paths with) how they are, genuinely, with eye contact, expecting an answer. I started doing it during the pandemic in 2020. It's amazing what I've gotten back by seeing people, making them feel seen. About 1/3 to 1/2 of people respond to it instead of staying closed off. It doesn't always lead to a conversation, but for a brief moment, you and a stranger look each other in the eyes and see each other's humanity and feel a bit of faith in humanity. It almost feels like a secret sign between people in a club of people that want to believe we can all get along.
The ability to walk away from fake societies without feeling negative about myself.
Don't know whether this counts but not giving a fuck really helped me become more sociable.
Lying
Learning when to just walk away from a conversation. Preferably before I say/do something stupid
Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is loaded with these skills and the most important qualifier he put on all of them was that you had to be sincere in their application.
I was an extrovert locked in an introvert’s social skills. This book unlocked me when I was 15 and changed my life forever.
Not me but being a hermit and don't loose your mind would be great.
Detaching yourself from a situation as if you’re just a video game character in a simulation. And removing all emotion.
Not being afraid of randomly talking strangers in public (as an adult of course) even if it’s just asking for their name and telling them yours. While some are stuck-up and would just ignore me, that’s often the only way I could make friends, or hook up with or date a guy especially whenever I wasn’t in formal settings like school or a job I got to see a lot of co-workers.
Diplomacy with anyone and everything.
Public speaking
Just talk to people. If they’re complimenting you just talk to them instead of my usual shy “thank you” just wish them a good day or compliment them back. Smile at people and if someone is talking - really listen to them
Being genuine/honest. Whether you want to do something or not etc. it doesn’t sound or seem like it at first, but eventually people trust you.
Even the people that don’t like you, trust you.
It’s crazy when people tell you things, or ask you to do something that they don’t even trust their friends with.
In turn, often people who are assholes to other people, still treat you with respect. They might not invite you to their parties, but you’re on a different level, it’s hard to describe.
I’ve had people I haven’t talked to in years ask me for advice ‘I know you won’t lie to me’, or tell me I did something they respected even though I seemed like an asshole at the time.
I’ve gotten raises and promotions based on this, ‘special treatment’ etc. folks know I’m a good person.
Listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Don't talk too much.
Breaking down when confessing a small mistake or lie so nobody would even imagine I could (be capable of to) hide a bigger one. Not very moral, but life is life, all sorts of things happen and honesty sometimes doesn't work or you need extra time to fix your shit and lessen the damage, before coming clear. In professional environment especially, lying doesn't work in personal relationships.
I need social skills.
Asking for a lighter
Treating everyone, from the janitors to the CEOs with the same level of respect
Friendly eye contact
Diffusing tension, im pretty good at dealing with angry and upset people, everyone always says I’m always chill which is so funny to me because in my head I feel like a lunatic most of the time
Saying no in a kind way.
Breathing through anxiety. I ramble when I'm nervous and speak too much, sometimes over others. Now I breathe and let the silence sit as best as I can. It gives room for other people to chime in as well.
Empathy for others, not focusing on what you want, need, or desire m.
Public Speaking/General Communication courses in college. Teach you about nonverbal communication and cues, along with appropriate standing distance.
Being able to ask a specific, concise question.
Avoiding fallacies
No judgement zones unless someone interrupts your personal space or zone.
De-escalating a situation instead of getting into an argument. Saves a lot of energy and time.
Edumacayshun an I lern 2 spel
I'm not sure if it counts, but: learning not to give a fuck about what others think (as long as my actions don't hurt anybody, of course). My friends won't suddenly stop caring for me just because I embarrassed myself, and the opinion of those I don't interact with isn't going to impact my life in any way. So I'm not afraid to wear a crop top despite not having a perfect body, ask questions to better understand the topic of the lecture despite them possibly sounding stupid, or try new things despite knowing I'll suck at them in the beginning. If anyone looks at me and thinks "What a pathetic bitch", it's only their problem.
It also makes standing up for yourself so much easier, as the perspective of being told "no" or not being able to please everyone isn't scary anymore.
Learning to lie and selling myself. Bring down to earth and humble won't get you anywhere
Learning how to politely say "no" to tasks, people, etc.
Practicing listening, learning how to initiate and nurture conversation.
Shutting the fuck up
Tell the truth. People won't always like you for it, but ultimately people will respect you for it. It will also make your compliments carry a lot more weight.
greeting people and saying good bye to them :)
When meeting someone new, tell yourself in your head that they already know you and really like you. Makes me less nervous and I don’t feel as much pressure to make a good impression.
Being genuinely interested in people. I'm able to have an engaging conversation with just about anyone. It's opened a lot of doors for me.
Learning that being considered a great conversationalist is mostly eye contact, listening a lot more than you talk, and never trying to out do the other person. The more likable you become, the less interaction you are forced to have.
I’ve been working on empathy
When I learned how to put my passive-agressive tendencies in check, that was mind-blowing liberation. It helped me see when others were being passive aggressive, and to not react in a way that feeds that cycle.
The ability to communicate verbally while choosing the right clichés.
Watching how people treat others. A lot of people only care about how they get treated by somebody, and if they see a person being rude or bullying others they will turn a blind eye to it with an attitude of "Well, as long as they are nice to me...".
As somebody who grew up with a narcissistic mother, and family members who bullied me because of my medical condition, I learned early on that if you want to see somebody's true nature, then closely observe how they treat others. They might be nice to you now, but the fact that they are willing to bully others means that they are not a nice person, and one day it might be you that's on the receiving end of it.
Understanding personality types and how to interact with them by understanding theor unique needs. Some people value fun (sanguines) Some value productivity (cholerics) Some value genuine connection and authenticity (phlegmatics) Some value logic and truth (melancholies)
Talk to them about what they value.
Also, Reading body language, I've read a couple books on it
Tolerance for people who need to fill silent air. I used to be great at smiling and listening. Now I tend to leave, glaze, change the story or just ask them to be quiet if it’s not important.
Listening to others. Being there for them. Just being kind and emotionally intelligent.
I learned to dance very well, even became a C&W dance teacher. Never had to buy drinks or come up with corny pick-up lines. The girls come looking for the guys that have a strong lead and smooth step. Every woman wants to be the Belle of the Ball. Dance lessons were free, women always out-numbered the men. I was 39, wish I had learned as a teen, so many wasted nights at clubs. The nerves and tension turn into excitement over the opportunity to meet new people every time out.
Complimenting people behind their backs. And not having an RBF
Learning emotional intelligence.
After my divorce and the healing process, I decided I would base my behavior towards others based on how I want to be treated instead of how people are treating me. At first, it was an act. I acted nicely, and I acted friendly and generous. But soon it changed to my new baseline. I got a kick out of it. I've only seen improvements around me since then. I'm not doing it anymore because I want people to be kind to me, but because it makes me feel good. And I can see that people start behaving similarly around me. And my kids are picking up on it too, turning into amazing, sweet, and generous people.
Being able to read body language
Minding my business.
I looked back on the amount of time I spent 'railing' against certain things over the course of a 3 year period and thought...could have been reading a book or learning a new hobby. Once I learned to let things go my life improved significantly. If it wasn't something I could specifically effect the outcome of through action or involvement then I just told myself "ain't nobody got time for that..." and moved on.
Minding my business.
I looked back on the amount of time I spent 'railing' against certain things over the course of a 3 year period and thought...could have been reading a book or learning a new hobby. Once I learned to let things go my life improved significantly. If it wasn't something I could specifically effect the outcome of through action or involvement then I just told myself "ain't nobody got time for that..." and moved on.
Minding my business. If it was a situation where my involvement wouldn't make a difference in the outcome I'd simply nod my head, say 'I can see your point' and move on.
Learning to say less.
To be forgiving
Eye contact. May feel awkward at first when you’re staring at someone talking to them if you’re not used to it, but it is important.
Also, smile when you’re talking to someone in non serious situations. I struggled with this. Everyone thought I was so serious all the time but it’s because I cracked jokes and had conversations with a completely straight face. Don’t stand there and cheese at them, just crack a half smile or something
Smile and try to be positive.
Listening
staying to myself
If this submission above is not a random thought, please report it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.