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Parents who respond to their kids' legitimate questions with "because I said so"
Fairly AnnoyedLol I just said the same and didn’t scroll down. Common-sense parenting for the win! 😁
This is the way. You're a good parent if this is how you do it.
This exactly, with my only addition being "when your kid has already asked 15 times and you've explained 15 times and they know the answer but are trying to wear you down" lol
Sometimes my kid will ask "why" about something and I'll be trying to think of the answer and if I can't come up with a good one I'll be like "oh um... I guess I don't know why, go for it". It helps me be more intentional about rules instead of just following what I know.
Genuine question, please don't read any snarkiness into this, but...
Couldn't you have just said "I'll explain later, it's unsafe/we don't have time right now."?
Yea, after the 15th "why?" You start running out of good explanations.
Brain might not be working. Maybe all you can say is “because” since your mind is elsewhere
It's never really that simple with kids. You've probably already had 10 hours of this and you're mentally fatigued.
They will try and kill themselves on the regular.
I remember thinking this before having children. The reality is, it's almost impossible to think that rationally and clearly when you're stressed, sleep deprived and mentally and physically exhausted, especially in a situation in which something could be dangerous and you need to react very quickly.
This will get you a “why is it unsafe?”
"I'll explain later/when we're safe again."
If safety is the main concern, then it's not the time to try to reason with a child that can barely understand logic. You need to remove your child from danger first and answer their questions later, even if that means physically removing them and/or causing a tantrum.
The honest answer is because parents are human and kids can be emotionally stressful sometimes (especially in unsafe or frustrating situations) and it's not possible to always take your own emotions out of it. Sometimes it's like needles in your brain that makes it hard to focus and you just need to shut the conversation down and come back to it, and if you are consistent in coming back to it, I've found older kids to be much more willing to drop it since they have faith that you'll answer them eventually.
From personal experience as the kid who questioned everything, i would still just ask why and not actually listen to the "i'll explain later" cause i didnt understand, and that line wasnt enough to satisfy me or send me the signal that i needed to hold off or stop. It became "why explain this to me later? Why not now?" Or "why can't you say a simple explanation now?" I didnt say those lines obviously, but that is kind of how i was trying to come across in my questioning.
A lot of kids are like that - keeping it simple is sometimes wiser. Kids don't always understand certain signals in conversation, even if they seem wildly blatant or obvious to an adult.
"Because I said so" is, majority of the time, a terrible line that shuts down conversation. But sometimes, shutting down a conversation is more necessary than not. Its not just the words themselves, its the signals and the subtext that is being sent. "I'll explain later" is sometimes too soft to end or pause a conversation with a child.
Obviously, this isn't a thing in all cases. But this is the case for some kids, like me, when i was younger.
Aren't there other, better, ways to shut down the conversation though?
"Because I said so" also sends the subtext of 'you're not getting an answer' and depending on how often that phrase is used, can send the subtext of 'Don't ask me anything.'
That is very heavily dependent on several factors. My mother had to use that phrase with me on occasion when i would not listen to her. And she always explained later. I wasn't trying to mess with her. I was just too single-mindedly focused on trying to get an answer that i would not listen to anything but something that adequately explained, or a stern signal telling me to stop.
Like I said it can be a terrible thing to say, but it's equally bad to take a phrase and make it so black and white. Not all situations, or relationships, or communication is black and white. A phrase can be useful in some circumstances, and harmful in others. Some things can be said purely in jest, or with malicious intent.
"Because i said so" does not always carry the subtext of "don't ask me anything" - it can, depending on when it's said in a conversation. It also depends on the relationship between the people in the conversation and how communication is between them typically.
My aunt never explained anything to her children, she would automatically resort to "because i said so!" For everything. She just wanted absolute control and she didnt want to entertain the curiosity of my cousins. They barely speak to her now, for a variety of reasons, but the lack of interest in cultivating their curiosity was one of them. This is a good example of the misuse of the phrase.
My mother on the other hand answered as many questions of mine as she could. She encouraged research, curiosity, and just me in general. I felt safe enough around her to go ham and question everything. I was... an overwhelming child to say the least. I've overwhelmed many of my teachers with my relentless questions and curiosity. I cannot overstate how overwhelming i was when it came to questions. My mother was veeery patient with me. But there were times when my questioning was inappropriate, or simply at the wrong time and i would not listen to her when she tried to gently tell me to stop. Saying she would explain later was not enough. Literally saying "stop" was not enough either. She had to be stern with me in those moments cause i would not listen otherwise. She wasn't mean - if anything she was stressed and overwhelmed cause she would have to be dealing with other circumstances at the same time, and it did not compute in my brain that i was asking questions at an inappropriate time. So she'd say "because I said so" it's a sharp emough phrase that it got me to stop. My feelings weren't hurt so much as i was embarassed, and i'd sulk from the the embarassment. I'd get over it very quickly though. But this wasn't common enough for me to really get hurt.
Later, once we were home, or the issue was resolved, or there was time, she would explain to me. Always. I got pretty comfortable with knowing she would explain to me eventually. But i was not always good at judging when to actually understand that i had to wait for an answer. Ofc, as i got older, the gentler "i'll explain later" worked and she didnt need to say "because i said so" anymore. Sometimes it takes a firmer signal for a kid to start learning to read the softer ones.
The subtext of a phrase is dependent not just on the phrase itself, but the relationship. If my mother explains everything to me all the time, im not going to suddenly assume that she never explain things to me again just because she says that phrase. Especially since she always got back around to explaining it to me.
The reality is that kids are not always easy to talk to. They're not always easy to reason with. Strangers may have an easier time of it, because kids are often vigilant around strangers. Kids will relax and go ham with their parents. I'd often get confused by the explanations of people who were not my mother and, if i wasn't comfortable enough with that person, i would not question further and remain confused. Which led the person to think that i logically accepted what they said. Which i didnt. I just did not feel safe enough to continue questioning.
So i would just go home and go ham with asking my mom everything because i felt safe enough to turn that social vigilance off and keep asking until i understand something. But that relentless questioning is sometimes at the wrong time and overwhelmed my mother.
So, in essence, the subtext of phrases are not black and white ot set in stone. They are VERY dependent on the relationship of the people communicating.
Especially when they're small, your "I'll explain later...etc" is too long and that, together with an impatient and/or hangry 4 year old, can distract you at a critical moment.
When they're older and you're a more experienced parent, this is a non-issue (or it was for my family) as it's easier to just explain right there. It helps if you and your kids have a healthy, trust-based relationship, too. My kids learned quickly that I wasn't blowing them off and that we'd discuss their questions as soon as possible.
Explaining anything to a child under 5 years old is likely to be frustrating no matter what, considering that their brains aren't developed enough to understand logical reasoning. It's a weird, contradictory age though - they're asking questions because they want to learn about the world around them but their brains aren't developed enough to actually understand the answers they get.
I was imagining a kid who is capable of logical reasoning when I was making that suggestion though.
The only other situation where this reponse could be allowed is when the child doesn't accept the logic of the explenation and continues to nag the parent.
I think it's also okay to use "because I said so" when you've tried to explain it to the kid and they're just arguing with you.
Though I prefer "this doesn't require a committee meeting" when I'm having this problem with my husband. I don't need to know why the dishes weren't washed, I just need them washed right now.
That’s exactly what I do. One time we were at the store and I told them “guys. Cart. NOW.” And they ran to the cart and asked why. I told them “just do it. Hands on the cart.” Once I knew it was safe, I told them there was someone following us that was finally passing. Dude had been following us the whole time in the store so I moved over and “let him pass”. Had to leave our cart full of stuff and just go home.
"Because I said so" is not a valid answer.
Most of the time when a parent says "because I said so" it's because the kid has not been receptive to the other answers the parent provided, and now it's time to stop the back and forth games
Yep. My kids like to ask the same question multiple times and disregard the rational and engaging answers if they don’t like them. They do this usually when I’m on a hurry , tired or stressed.
So then they get told it’s because I said so. I don’t want to argue anymore. I am not interested and simply don’t have the bandwidth. So conversation over.
It's so confusing why people can't grasp this.
The confusing part is how so many people think that this is what OP was talking about. It's very clearly about when the non-answer is given from the start.
It's not insinuated anywhere in the post. The post generally speaks about giving this 'non-answer' as you describe it.
Re-read the last line and get back to me, bud
Most of the time, when a kid asks why, it's because they genuinely want to know why. "Because I said so" is not a valid answer.
The first time they ask the question? the fourth time they ask the question? There is zero clarity here which is why I said it's generalized.
That is very transparently in reference to kids being told "just cuz" the first time they ask. If a kid genuinely wants the answer, and they were given the answer, they won't be asking again. How would that make sense? The only option there's room for here is a child asking genuinely and being given the wrong answer off the bat.
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13d
That wasn't "rare as hell" for me or many of the other kids i knew growing up.
Don't advocate for kids blindly following orders. That's how you serve them up on a silver platter.
Or when you just have sucky parents. Mine always gave the “because I said so” answer immediately. Just made me mad as a kid.
Exactly this. Kids who keep asking this want to think that somehow they’re being the logical one who is just looking for a reasonable answer, but they aren’t. They just don’t want to listen, and nothing their parent tells them will suffice. I feel sorry for all the parents of the people saying they didn’t obey if they didn’t get a “logical” answer. Kids suck at critical thinking. They must have made their parents miserable.
My mother used it all the time because she couldn’t be bothered to talk to us. Ever. Up until she died. We were there to be servants, seen and not heard.
Have you forgiven her?
This is absolutely true. My sister took "This is why" as "if I change the circumstances I can do it anyway". My parents should have only ever told her "Because I said so" because she still hasn't learned that authority is in fact authority. And she is in her thirties.
Except those of us who had terrible parents. There are lots of kids who got “because I said so” as the first answer, not the final one.
I always try to answer my son’s questions but my god there are just so many of them
Sometimes “because I said so” happens well after an answer has already been given yet the “why’s” never stopped.
Ps- but generally speaking, giving some sort of answer is the easiest, most productive route and when the whys keep coming you simply say, “I gave you your answer,” and move on. But parenting can eat up your brain sometimes (speaking as a parent).
Yea, I say "because I said so" or "just do it" after I've already explained why. It's usually because they have to do a chore.
This is exactly it. 100%.
Anyone that doesn’t understand this does not have children.
Lots of kids (actually all of them do this at some point) ask for the sake of asking and not because they care about the answer. I find it easier to answer their question with another (more nonsense) question so the confusion shuts them up.
Yeah our 9yo thinks he's hilarious by the 11th "why?" and doesn't actually care. He's just intentionally being annoying. At this point I explain things and then just stop responding until he loses interest...
I was this kid, but not because I was originally trying to be annoying. My mom thought giving me the nonsense answers was appropriate too. Except me being autistic, I would think about how my mother's answer didn't make sense. So I would keep asking why, because I didn't know how to ask more specifically. It was annoying to me that she wasnt answering my question correctly, so I would annoy her by asking why over and over.
I remember some reality TV show where one of the kids was doing endless "why's" and eventually it ended with
"Why is the door closed?"
"So you would ask me that question"
It either satisfied her enough to stop asking or blew her mind
This is the answer. My brain is fried some days and I cannot do the talking in circles anymore.
I asked why as a kid cause I wanted to engage in a conversation with people but didn’t know how to keep a conversation going. My mom entertained it for a little bit and eventually just guide the conversation away.
"Because I said so" feels really gross to me so I never use it with my kid. He was never an incessant "why" kid anyway, thankfully and he's a teenager now but sometimes when he tries to press something I've already given an answer to I just say "I've given you my answer" or "End of discussion"
That's cool and all, but clearly not what the post is about
But that why parents end up say it. I swore I would never be the parent who said that and then I had a kid who asks “why” over and over and I’ve already explained it! But the “why’s” keep on coming so you end up saying that because you’ve reached the end of your patience.
i said id never use that either. im not even a parent yet, but I got a nephew that's been very attached to me since he was a baby, and he asks a LOT of questions. I try to answer all of them, but I have used "because that's just how it is" or "you'd have to ask God" a couple times when it just doesn't stop lol. my parents usually said "you'd have to ask God" if I asked something they couldn't answer
Dad of 3 girls and a boy. I have always tried to answer my kids like they are people with brains and not a 1 yr old baby... but sometimes it's just gotta stop man.
I'm pretty lucky that I never delt with nonstop 'why?'s, but there have been a lot of times where it's time sensitive, or I'm busy focusing on something (at the store, now did my wife say this or this?) And I just can't think. And other times they are just speaking to speak and I know they're not listening so just do what I say
Edit - ok, so I can totally get your annoyance with it if you're seeing it out in public, some adults have don't want to deal with kids while out and about, or maybe when you're seeing it it's when they've gotten to that point where they can't take it.
Though I do agree that some parents just refuse to engage with their kids, and it can be very frustrating to see a kid shut down that way.
You bring up a good point about being in public - sometimes a short "because" is because the answer is private or the explanation is likely to veer in a way that's socially unacceptable. It's a tactic to shut down the conversation.
I've shut conversations down with my kid in front of sensitive family members because the fallout of answering his question or implying that I will answer it later will cause them to have a tantrum.
I've been on both sides of this fence. As a kid, it annoyed me when my Mum said it to me, but as a mother I have said it myself on occasion.
If a young person asks for an explanation, gets it, and goes on with their life accordingly, fine. I was happy to ask any and all questions asked in good faith.
However, asking why persistently, despite having been given a reasonable explanation, becomes asking in bad faith, they don't actually want to know at all, they're just messing you about. That's when I'd wheel out "because I say so".
I'm gonna be honest, after the fifth repetition of the same fucking question, "because I say so" is the answer you're getting
parents are human as well, and they have limits
To be fair kids will why you to death so you can't meet every question with a true answer. You d be at the mercy of your kid. That's a problem in parenting nowadays. In general parents need to take their power back. Yes, educate your children and help them understand.
You don't need to entertain your child's every emotion, every question, give them tools to figure out the world themselves. Show them social skills. They can go ask their peers or their teachers and leave you alone!
Oh hey my childhood in a nutshell. It was incredibly aggravating but it did convince me to learn to do research myself as a child and assume my parents were idiots
It's also possible that the parents don't know the final answer.
You can say you don’t know. I think more parents need to admit when they don’t know something
I have a toddler who asks me hundreds of questions a day. Who also doesn't understand 95% of what I'm saying. I could todlerfy the language and then he's onto something else lmao.
Answering “because I said so” to the question “why” is literally an example of “begging the question” a logical fallacy of talking in circles. “I am telling you to do this, because I am telling you to do this.” That’s what begging the question actually means most folks use it wrong.
I used to say that before I had kids.
A lot of the time, they're not requesting information. "Why?" Is just a whiney lazy protest.
Usually it happened if I asked why I had a certain chore.
Sometimes children ask why to be defiant or to delay doing their duty.
And that's when you explain the why to the children, and teach empathy and responsibility.
"Why do I have to empty the dishwasher?"
"Because Mum/Dad can't do everything. You live here too, so need to be part of keeping the house nice"
I always take them seriously, and answer. Sometimes we have talk through the consequences of different choices. I don't have fights with my children. Maybe it will change as the teenager get older, but I hope our foundation of mutual respect will hold.
100% depends on the age of the child.
If they’re old enough to do chores then they’re old enough for you to explain it
As an autistic kid, my brain was wired to want to know how things worked. Still is of course. Asking why, when my parent told me to do something, was my need to understand the reasons behind it. I couldn't cope with arbitrary demands that appeared to have no purpose, or the purpose being someone else's "want". Same thing with hierarchy. Just because someone is a teacher doesn't mean they are always right.
That being said, I grew up decades ago in time of common DV and my home was no different. It made my need for reason even stronger. If my parent told me "You have to brush your teeth because teeth get dirty and smelly and make you sick if you don't brush them". Now I get it, I will brush my teeth. If they said "You have to brush your teeth because I said so" I wouldn't do it.
As a kid I felt people didn't have the right to make other people do stuff just because they want them to. That being said, this need to know how things work is definitely not normal, but for autistic kids is common.
I'm the same way, and unfortunately there are certain things I didn't get actual answers to that have led me to just... Stop doing those things when I became an adult. Especially in regards to oral hygiene.
As for your last sentence though, I disagree to an extent.
While autistic/ADHD/etc. kids have a higher need to know how things work, I think all kids should be curious enough to also ask why. That's how we foster their curiosity and end up with people who think critically and try to solve things that they can't find answers to.
Exactly this. I have ADHD, or, as my elementary school teachers liked to put it, "problems with authority". I absolutely refuse(d) to do something just "because", and if I had an idea that I thought was better than theirs, I would tell them. The problem was that elementary school teachers aren't used to students being anything other than either mindless submissive drones, or annoying kids who don't get enough attention at home.
They couldn't comprehend that me asking for a reason behind their instructions/decisions wasn't me just looking to "disobey" or contradict them, it was my brain refusing to accept that their ideas were better than mine simply because they had been put in a position of perceived authority over me (through no action of my own).
It led to a lot of punishments, meetings with parents, and teachers just generally not liking me because, for once, they had to actually explain why I had to, for example, go to a different classroom with a different teacher while that teacher's class came into my classroom, messed up my desk, and was just taught the same thing that I was being taught in the other room.
When I asked my 3rd grade teacher to explain that one, she was like "Sometimes it's fun to have a different class or teacher, to keep it interesting." I then pointed out that, since she was the one who wanted this to happen, not me, it made much more sense for her to be the one to move to a different classroom and deal with all the inconvenience, and boy did she not like that
I think this is it for me. I genuinely wanted to know why things were done a certain way and needed it explained. I didn’t understand why flossing was important, but my parents hardly even made us brush our teeth. I certainly understand the importance now that I have gingivitis, and wish someone would’ve explained it to me
When my kids were small and it was a time sensitive/safety thing, I said, "Because I'm the grown up keeping you safe."
When it was whining/sass/attention-seeking, I said, "I already answered you. Do you think asking again will make me change my answer or will it just make me upset? Find something else to occupy your curiosity."
The only time I use "because I said so" is when our almost teenager asks "why" to things like being told to put dirty dishes in the sink, or throw away wrappers, or something other like that.
She knows why she needs to do it, and she's just trying to push buttons.
This is so accurate. "Go flush the poop you left in the toilet". "Why?"🙄😒
Sometimes the kids are just being annoying brats and driving their parents up the wall. I was one of those kids. "Why?", answer given, "Why?", answer given, "Why?", answer given, "Why?", because I said so!!!
I was a fairly obedient child, but If the only thing my parents could come up with was "because I said so" I just straight up didn't listen
I was the same. If I was told WHY I had to do, or not do something, I generally complied. If I was given the crap of "because I said so", it made me angry and I didn't comply.
lol. Did you listen to an answer that was given the first 7 times and then disobey the 8th?
If you bothered to read what you tried to reply to, you'd have the answer.
I remember when I was 15. It’s a tough time. Good luck dude.
Some people have parents that never explained things. Mine didn’t. But I guess that’s what happens when you’ve already raised 3 other kids and you’re tired of it
I believe it. And that sucks. I was trying to make a joke to see if people were self aware about how “the shoe is on the other foot”. My brother is definitely one of the “well if you don’t explain the reasoning to MY satisfaction then I won’t do it” but he really used it to argue about a lot of stuff because his satisfaction was way past what was reasonable.
I’m just wondering how many of the people replying, including OP, have kids and so have seen what it’s like.
Sometimes that’s the answer. Sometimes I don’t have time to give the long answer whether it be a safety issue or something like that and time is critical. Sometimes it’s none of their business. Sometimes we’ve already had this conversation 5 times and they clearly aren’t listening so I’m not wasting my breath any more on it.
“Because I said so” is absolutely a valid answer.
Do you know how often kids ask questions? (Hint, it is all the damn time)
No one has time to go into the “why” of every little thing - especially since the explanation often leads to even more questions. There’s definitely a reason for kids to learn to do what they’re told, you don’t need to ask a thousand questions.
Yes, you do need to ask a thousand questions. Throughout my life I've certainly asked tens of thousands, why would a child not need to learn things? This makes no sense
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13d
I agree. I let my kids ask anything. Even the simplest questions I'll try to break down to a molecular level if I got to 😂😂
I have a video of my son asking me a series of questions about why there were so many birds in the sky & I went from breaking down migration to why it gets cold in the winter to the earth having two hemispheres & everything in between then at the end of the series of questions he was just like "...oh. okay."
It would be epic if he fully understood and remembers a good portion of it. Maybe even eventually pass all of that knowledge on to his own kids in the future.
"are you coming to visit us on christmas?"
no
"why not? we're your parents"
because i said so
I promised myself that I would never use "because I said so" or "because I'm the mum" with my children, and so far I've kept my promise. It's basic respect really. To teach respect, you have to model respectful behaviour, and shutting the children down is the opposite of respect. I'm also not afraid to say "I don't know", usually following up with a let's find out. Questions asked in good faith deserve proper answers.
If it was done out of exhaustion - it’s understandable but still not the right way to go . I’ve seen a lot of parents just ask their kids “why do you think” when they’re tired and hope for the kid just trail off . But from my experience , most of the time it’s just crappy authoritarian parenting .
I love the uno reverse as a mom. "Why do you think?"
It may just be because both my parents are narcissistic and insecure, but retrospectively it seems like almost every time they have me that answer, the real answer was “I don’t know” and they were too insecure/lazy to help me find out.
On the flip side I became an amazing researcher because of this, because I had to find most things out myself.
When my children were much younger, not only did their mother use that line but got mad that I wouldn't. That line is used by people that exclusively want obedience. I wanted children that were capable of making good decisions.
Having a sense of what’s right and wrong isn’t worth much without knowing why things are right or wrong. Is X thing bad because it’s unsafe? Rude? You were too young for it at the time? Or is there actually nothing wrong with it at all, rather it was a ‘my house my rules’ thing which doesn’t apply to you anymore?
You can hopefully use context clues to figure most of it out for yourself, but some stuff is more ambiguous. I can accept the ‘because I said so’ to young kids who’ve asked the same simple question a million times but if this is your go to, even to teenagers, then Jesus christ
Grass is green because of chlorophyll, the sky is blue because of water, not because God said “I want green grass and blue skies”, so nobody gets to say “because I said so”.
After you've responded with endless repeated explanations that are always ignored and immediately forgotten, or in situations where you 100% know your kid already knows why and is just delaying the inevitable, "because I said so" becomes an appropriate answer. But not before.
This was a favorite amongst my parents' arsenal. Really stifled my inquisitive nature as a kid. The lesson it relayed was "these are not the people you go to with questions."
Same dude. My parents gave me that all the time as a kid and I hated it so much.
Tbh sometimes all you’ll see is the 1000th instance of the kid answering that question😂
Not always! Kids DO need to learn how to obey commands. Often, it’s a time-sensitive safety issue.
That said, unlike some parents, I’m always happy to explain the logic behind the command in full detail later, but you’d better learn to do what I say immediately.
I made a similar listing like this with dodging answers and ended up being downvoted. Granted yours is with kids, same rules and reasoning applies.
At my job, I never answer with generic responses. I either provide a thought out answer, or I'll ask them, "what do you think X means?"
Some extreme cases I'll ask what does the internet, and/or the book says.
I think this is one of those things that sounds great in theory but when you're late for something and just trying to get out of the house, you don't have time to get 12 "why's" deep into something you barely understand yourself.
My mother responded with this all the time as we were growing up!
why do i have to put away my toys?
because keeping the house clean is a family responsibility. we’re all in charge of putting away our stuff.
next day:
why do i have to put my toys away?
as i said yesterday, it’s your job as part of the family.
next day:
why do i have to put my toys away?
i’m tired of you asking me this question every day. now put your toys away!
next day:
why do i have to put my toys away?
BECAUSE I SAID SO.
any questions?
You’re right it is not a valid answer. It sounds more like a smart Alec response than an actual answer. Parents should give their kids a genuine answer rather than saying it’s because they are the authority.
I agree!
Sometimes the reason why can be "because I am tired and I need you to cooperate on this". Sometimes kids ask why on things that simply don't make sense but unfortunately you can't change it so you can tell them that, too. Just a simple "there's a lot of rules that feel like they don't make sense, even to me, but we still have to follow them".
I've had to do that last one a lot. There's a lot of stupid rules at schools that I can't justify having to follow so I just tell them so. Kids just want to know "why" because they have zero control over their own lives and are trying to reclaim it. It's not hard to give them at least that.
IMO they do it because that's literally their only reason. They don't actually have a legitimate reason, it's just what they wanted. And they don't want the bother of trying to fake a reason after the fact.
I used it when a rule had been explained more than once. I would also sometimes respond with, “What do you think?” I wanted my child to learn how to figure things out and not play games.
Had a 4star general give me that exact answer in 2011 as to why we were still fighting in Afghanistan. I can accept it for 5year Olds being told to clean their room. When it was the only reason for me to travel across the world to kill poor brown people I lost all motivation. Odiosnero was a horrible leader.
Not only is it disrespectful it also doesn’t teach the child anything. Like putting a child in time out without telling them why their in time out
Try walking through a busy parking lot with a 5 year old who runs off ahead. You yell to get back next to you and just hear "but why?"
It's no time to explain the height issue for cars backing out. It's time for "because I said so."
Grew up like that. Then I graduate from HS and am told to get a job and start paying rent or get the fuck out. I felt I was pushed out of an airplane without a parachute. I had to learn everything from strangers.
The problem was saying “I told you so” or “because I said“ is that it undermines the parents authority. I don’t think parents actually realise this, but if things are only happening because you say so… Then that means they could be different and you’re just making up arbitrary rules.
Kid asks why they can’t stay up until 3 am in the morning, and a parent just goes “because I said so” then the kids gonna figure out a way to push past those rules.
If parents would actually tell the child, “if you stay up late, you get tired at school, and then you’ll do badly, and you won’t be fully rested and you won’t…” In a reasonable way then kids are much more likely to go to bed
It'd be a lot less frustrating if the phrase was used to instill trust, rather than impose authority.
I’m guessing you are not a parent, but I could be wrong. If BISS(because I said so) is your first line all of the time, then sure, I agree with you. Often however, BISS is the stopping point of a near indefinite line of questioning that may or may not have merit. It is sometimes useful as a quick stop to questions that are asked in an improper environment. I will give you an example. My kids hold my hand in a parking lot. That is a rule I will not waive no matter how much they are inconvenienced by it. I’ve seen too many idiots speed at Target and not look once. My child, fussy and wanting food says “why do I have to hold your hand,” as we are getting out of the car. I feel it neither appropriate nor necessary to stop and explain my reasoning to a child in a parking lot. If she asks over dinner, sure, but not in the lot. She gets a BISS and that is that.
I always gave my daughter full explanations for everything, and answered every "why?" until I reached the extent of my knowledge and the internet's.
She thinks I have sent her to a school for kids with learning difficuties. I haven't. She's just so far ahead of other kids that it seems like it to her.
Whether you like it or not, and despite all of your best intentions, even if you grew up being a kid with the exact same complaint and vowing "I will never say that to my kid" (as I did), there comes a point when you actually must establish authority to do so because either:
A) I'm tired. Done. There's nothing left in me and I have no answer to your question. At a better time I would want to have a lively discussion with you about it, I truly cherish those times we have together. This is not one of those times. Please stop and have an apple or something. Do you have homework to do? You should go do that.
B) You are completely (and even possibly dangerously) wrong about something, and I know it. You might think I'm wrong, but I'm not, and it is annoying as all get out that you won't just accept that fact. This isn't hyperbolic over-confidence about my own opinions, I'm actually truly objectively correct. Funny examples would probably help here, but see point (A).
C) Yes of course there is a C, you might actually be right and are owed an explanation. For more on this, please see (B).
Because I said so. Not just anybody, but me, your dad. Please give me some credit and trust, and sometimes a break.
I hope I correctly over time loosen those reigns, always faster than anyone wants to, and let you do your own thing. I hope I am not playing the said-so card too often, but please understand that yes, and really more often than not, mom or dad are actually right and it would save us all a lot of time and trouble if you just agreed.*
[EDIT: *To be clear, this does not preclude nor forgive the fact that your parents might actually be genuinely horrible people with unthinkable motives. If that is the case, please do not do what they say. I have to cover my bases here.]
This seems very well thought out, but I do have a few suggestions on ways to not have to give the non-answer of "because I said so;"
A) "I don't have the time/energy for this right now. Let's write down your question and we can get back to it when I do." - and then actually do get back to it when you do have the time/energy.
B) "I don't think I'm explaining this in a way you're understanding. Let's take a break from this because we're both getting frustrated and nothing good can come from that." - and then take a break to calm down before searching for different ways you can explain. Or wait until they've calmed down too and suggest looking for different examples/evidence/explanations together.
C) "Hmm. I'm not sure if you're correct or not. Let's look for some examples/evidence/explanations together."
Also, I'd like for you to picture this scene you just played out, and in the middle of everything, you're trying to say your kids asks another totally different question. It has nothing to do with the one they were just asking either, this is is about a toy they want (now don't forget they lost toy privileges because they didn't keep their room clean so you better re explain that). Then they pick at your shirt and ask why you don't have more muscles, then the fart and laugh, then they ask for a snack, all before you finish the word "understanding" also they aren't even looking in your eyes, they just saw a bird outside, then they ask if they can play outside, well nooo, they can't play outside, it's 95 degrees and sweltering. You have to make dinner soon and if you don't get started you won't be eating until 9. But you want to finish this thoughtful conversation with you 5/6/7/8 year old, make sure they know to care to answer thoughtfully. Then they brought up that toy again before you've had time to process the last 3 questions they asked, NO! You have to go back to that thoughtful explanation about that thing... what was it again...
So true. I've never understood the advice of "Your kids aren't listening to you? Well then, I suggest you have this other lengthy conversation with them, they will totally listen and understand."
I'll refer you back to my answer for part A.
The moment they ask a second question is when you start writing it down and tell them that you'll get back to it later.
Then, since you need to make dinner, distract them by asking them if they'll help you make it. If they refuse and keep asking questions, remind them that you'll answer their questions after dinner and mention that you need to focus on cooking now, or dinner won't taste good.
... as a mom of 3, as much as I would love to have endless overflowing rivers of patience, is not practical. Cause when I'm knee deep in dinner on the phone with the garbage company who didn't pick up our trash, and the water just boiled over, two of the kids are arguing about a video game and I walk past the bathroom and there's a turd floating in the toilet and the seat is up. I have all of 2 seconds to ask who pooped and didn't flush, then when one admits to it, (because yeah, I could just flush it, but parenting is a lot of repetitive behaviors so they learn) oh wait the garbage company answered, "ok child B please go flush the toilet!" "Why?" "This is the garbage company how may I help you" "yes hi, can you hold on a second, why flush the poo you left in the toilet? Are you kidding? Please go flush the toilet; hi yeah, I was calling about a delayed trash pick up?" "Ughhhhhh, why do I always have to do everything???" "child B please go flush the toilet, and wash your hands too! yes the address is 2222 street road" "whyyyyyy" "Because I said so!! Now go!"
Now, I would like to add, that child B (8) had been explained to, patiently and thoughtfully, on NUMEROUS occasions of the importance of hygiene, especially when it comes to urine and fecal matter. So he is already aware of the dangers of communicable diseases like the noro virus, ecoli, and even the old school typhoid. and general health revolving around bathroom sanitation. So yes. Sometimes you get "because I said so".
I get your point about how repetitive behaviors is how children learn, but in this sort of situation you don't have the time to deal with it and can talk to/remind your kids about it after. Parenting is stressful enough, don't put any extra stress on yourself if you can avoid it. There will always be more teaching opportunities in the future.
As for your 8 year old, he's past the age of reason and thus should be past the constant 'why' stage. From your example, he isn't actually asking why to get an answer. He's asking to delay/get out of doing it. So you don't really need to answer/non-answer him, especially if he already knows the actual reasons.
Outside of situations with multiple things going on, I'd suggest a few methods;
praising your other kids when they do what child B doesn't do. You gotta be careful with this one though, as you don't want your kids to think that they're competing with each other. Make sure to praise child B for what he does do well.
asking each of your kids to do something at the same time. This should help prevent the "why do I have to do everything" comment.
reverse psychology. Kids like to feel that they can do anything. This is also one to be careful with because you want it to sound like a challenge to your kid, not like you're insulting them. Word choice and tone are important.
Wow. When do you publish your parenting book?
I can't tell if this is snarky or not.
There's no tone in text and I don't want to assume, as I'm frequently thought of as rude by people who do assume what tone I'm typing in, so I don't want to misunderstand.
This sounds great. BTW, I hope you have kids someday too.
I wish I could, but unfortunately I don't have the money or the health for it.
I'm sorry, I didn't intend to be mean or put you down. It was just meant as a joke that it was obvious from your response that you don't have any, when in all seriousness your comments could have come from someone who does and is providing genuinely good advice, so thank you.
I might not have kids of my own, but I've worked in childcare and I had to help my aunt parent her kids at one point as well, despite still technically being a kid myself at the time. Those experiences combined with having been the kid who questioned things but still trusted my family wholeheartedly are what I'm thinking of when I make my suggests. It's what I've seen work or what would've worked with me.
Of course, no two kids are the same and not everything that works for one will work for another. But it's always a good idea to know of multiple ways to handle things, regardless of if the suggestions come from a parent or not. As long as the suggestions come from a genuine and good place, there's no reason to not take them into account.
This is an actually valid reason. It's not the circular logic of "I said so because I said so", this is actual, genuine reasoning skill at work.
Teaching authority instead of knowledge.
Both are important.
Do you have kids? The reason they often ask Why is because they want something that you are saying no to. They might be asking why for the seventh time when you tell them why they can't have chocolate shakes as their entire dinner. At that point it's because you said so. Because you already told them it's unhealthy, they don't care, they're still asking and saying I said so is better than throwing the little fucker out the window.
While saying “because i said so” is not the best answer, chances are the parent was told that as a kid and the cycle continues. Most instances if not all it’s difficult to explain to a child the “why” not because kids are stupid but they aren’t quite ready to understand just yet. It came be difficult to explain to a 8 year old why they can’t get a toy or not.
Sometimes it is a simple “because i said” because they can’t explain why, sometimes it’s because they are trying to let the child know that can’t always get what they want.
I always attempted to explain if my daughter didn't understand I said I would explain when she was older.
If she can't understand it she's too young.
If I can't explain it then it's bullshit
Exactly!
I see a lot of people completely misunderstanding or thinking that it's a good thing to shut your child down when they ask questions. It's bullshit and they just want their kid to shut up, my mom answered all my questions and I learned a lot, my dad shut me up constantly and he taught me next to nothing. I don't know why someone would want a kid if they're not prepared to answer their stupid asinine questions all day. It's part of the job! It's like changing diapers, it's shitty but if you don't do it it's going to have negative long-term consequences. When I used to babysit it was awesome, I love answering kids' questions, they can't do it forever and you're an adult and should be able to discern why they are asking why and should be able to get to the root of the question if you really need to end it.
Basically, it's from being stressed, overwhelmed, stupid, or simply a bad parent. Though most of the time they just don't want to deal with their kid
Because "because I said so" is sometimes I fair answer. I'm a mum of 3. When say 'please can u pick your stuff up" for the 5th time that day and they say "why" sometimes "because I said so" is better answer then "ffs you live here rent free, I cook, I clean, for u and u need to ask why sometimes I'd like u to pick up your own crap" so yeah 'because I said so"
I do actually tell them that we all need to do our part to keep the house nice, and it's not fair to expect me to do everything. Appealing to their innate sense of fairness has been very effective for me.
My oldest has become much better than I ever was at keeping her room tidy and clean, and I never have to nag! My youngest is doing her very best too, with occasional reminders.
I realise every kid is different, and what works for me wouldn't necessary give the same results for others. But I really don't see a downside to model respectful behaviour.
Or...you could say. "That way the house will be clean, smell nice, you won't trip and hurt yourself on anything, and you can live happy"? Just a thought.
Tell me you don't have kids without telling me you don't have kids!!
Well sure, but I was a kid once. I probably would've preferred and actualy reason instead of "because I said so". But it's just me. Also, I hope you don't actually say the other thing to your kids, that'll end badly. I hope everything goes well for you as a parent, and you're doing a good job! :>
You have to understand most kids are about the same relative intellectual level as the parents - you know how dumb and annoying a lot of are adults are? Chances are, their kids are sorta dumb for their age too - they literally couldn’t understand and their parents can barely explain or care too.
People kinda just have kids (I mean they want them, but good luck getting a straight answer as to why that isn’t functionally “I wanted to/because I felt like it”) and aren’t really sure how to make it work, so they copy the dumb shit their parents did.
Yeah, I get that. I'm hoping to avoid having kids to not treat a child how I was treated. I hope I didn't come off as hostile in my first reply-
And so was I, and I assumed being a mum must be soooo easy. Haha, it's not. DO NOT judge a mum that says "because I said so" cause most likely that question being asked has been asked and answered 15 times in 5 minutes. Never judge a parent as u have no idea what has happened before the point you have witnessed.
I’m assuming you’re looking back at your childhood and are overlaying your current understanding of the world onto your 4-5 year old self.
I always try to explain things to my kids but when it’s the same question being asked about the same task and it is the 1000th time we have had the exact same conversation it isn’t about them not knowing my answers from the exact same conversation we had 24 hours ago.
SO many people do this as a bid to advise actual parents. I never listen to them.
You understood little of the mechanics of life and likely as an adult, your memory is likely to muddy of the times you remember hearing "because I said so". After all, I heard that a shit ton as a kid and remember none of it. My dad also worked 2 jobs and my mom wrangled 3 kids, me being the shittiest of them. Now I've got a son, 4 years old. I can disagree with a lot they did but this is pretty benign to complain about.
Have you thought about how kids don't understand logic.
Don't play with knives! ->why->because you will get hurt->why->because knives are sharp and you're soft-> why->because knives are made of metal and you're made of flesh and blood->why.... You can spend 2 hours answering them and the next day, you can have the same conversation...
What's even worse? They will play with knives. Logics don't work with kids.
And u don't think I've said that a million times!!
And a million times more and it still won't work. Kids don't care about the answers, they just wanna ask "why"
It's weird how everyone downvoting you says no kid has logic, ever. Like really? I'm proof of the opposite.
I was a kid with logic, literally teaching a class of kids my own age the reasons why there's uppercase and lowercase letters instead of just one or the other, at the ripe old age of 6 YEARS OLD. Lmao.
I guess most people just don't know or believe that not all kids are the same, and that some rules, such as not having a logical mind at such a young stage, have exceptions.
Yeah, I've met some pretty smart kids. It's not totally out there to assume some kids have common sense.
Literally no kid is gonna understand that, they’d prefer to just have everything laying around
Also, for everyone saying "kids don't understand logic;"
If your kid doesn't understand logical reasoning, then they're most likely under the age of 6.
Logical reasoning is a very important milestone for kids.
A sign of it beginning to develop is actually the constant asking of "why" around 2-3 years old. They're just starting to learn that there are reasons for things but aren't able to truly comprehend it yet. This is also why it's not generally recommended to give things like time outs to kids around this age - they can't understand it. Their brains are still developing.
These constant questions usually stop when they're around 5-6 years old, because that's when they actually can understand your answers. This is also roughly around the time kids start going into formal schooling - because their brains are now developed enough that they can learn things and retain information.
Of course, there's some leeway on the specific ages because every kid is different. But any major differences should be something you notify their doctor of, as they could be developing differently than the average child.
“Time for us to get clean, let’s get in the bathtub”
“Why”
“Because it’s almost time for bed and we get clean before bed”
“Why?”
“Because it’s good to stay clean and get rid of any germs from the day”
“Why?”
“To stay healthy, please get in”
“Why”
“Because I said so”
😂
I was never a “because I said so” kind of mom. But, there were a few exceptions.
Me - Don’t put your toys in the electric outlets.
Him - Why?
Me - Because the electric could shock you, or cause a fire. It’s not made for plastic fingers and toes.
Him - Why?
Me - Because, without going into too much science, you could get hurt.
But - WHYYYY?
Me - Because only electric plugs can go safely in electric outlets.
Him - Why?
Me - Because only some materials can safely conduct electricity. Things that shouldn’t go in there could shock you or start a fire.
Him - Why?
Me - Listen, hon, remember when you said macaroni and cheese looked yucky? And I said to try one bite because you’d like it? And then you did! And remember when you wanted to eat the lemon in my iced tea? I said it might be too sour, and you wanted to try it anyway? Well, you didn’t like it, but I did warn you.
And yesterday - remember I said to keep your sweater on because it was getting chilly? And you took it off anyway? Well, we had to leave the playground because you were cold.
I don’t say no to hurt you. I say no because I’ve been alive much longer, and have learned some lessons the hard way. So, listen, because I want to make sure you don’t have to learn a painful lesson, because I already did!
Sometimes, you don’t have to understand why. Just understand I love you and it’s my job as your mommy to keep you safe.
Him - Why?
Me - Because I said so!!! Do it again, and it’s time out, no TV, and I take the toys.
This is a fascinating comment section, you can clearly tell who does and who doen't have children.
All I'm seeing is evidence of differing opinions. Hopefully that isn't your only basis for this comment.
There are people in here saying they don't have kids, and those same people are giving mad tips that would never ever work like 'wrote down and we'll come back to it later' or telling the kids you're tired.
Yeah, that's not happening. The kid will forget in five minutes and you don't want to tell them how tired you are, they absolutely weaponise that when trying to push boundaries.
Most of the time, parents say "because I said so" to illegitimate questions
When I was a child, I didn't get this response only after getting a reasonable answer and then continuing to pester my egg donor. "Because I said so" was the answer the FIRST time I asked. My egg donor is toxic and controlling and had old fashioned values such as "children should be seen and not heard" 🙄
It's an understandable response if the child has been going on and on for ages and the parent has run out of patience, but saying "because I said so" the first (and possibly only) time a child asks a question, does not sit well with me 😶
I despise my parents for this reason. I didn't learn why I was supposed to do certain things a certain way until I was in my 20's and moved out, because I always got "because I said so" or "because that's how it's done just do it"
“Because I said so” is often used when a child is not mature enough for that adult conversation. At least, that is when I used it. If it was for an age appropriate thing, I would not use that explanation.
Sometimes kids are being ridiculous. That usually isn't my first answer but I can get there.
My mom did that
Do as I say, not as I do.
Authoritarian all the time isn’t the answer. But having to explain everything to your kid is also not setting good boundaries or individuating them appropriately. You won’t always get a why in life so if a child always gets that growing up, that’s not a good expectation to have growing into adulthood. They will be sorely disappointed when people start telling them to STFU and do as they’re told or fired.
Yeah, teach your kid to just blindly comply with everything lol. You don't need a backbone, just stfu and do your job! Sounds like it will be great! I challenge my job and management all the time, you should do so or else you're a coward, we're all adults and they are not Gods and do not know everything. If they are wrong and are asking me to do something that shouldn't be done I will ask why and I will decide whether or not what they are asking or not is realistic or doable
Don’t conflate someone who questions their boss as someone who is who magically moral. It’s not about morality… even in the military you can ask why. But constantly challenging your bosses and demanding accommodation will just get you fired. Maybe that doesn’t matting when you make 37k a year or minimum wage. But if they ever want to amount to anything, you can’t just go through life willing to lose your job over a why. Often times I don’t need to ask why to know I’m not going to do something that is wrong anyway…
"Because I said so", is valid. The op is 12.
I'm pushing 50 and no, it's not. It's disrespectful, and won't teach the kids anything good.
Are kids sometimes relentless and exhausting? Absolutely. But you still should meet them with respect as persons. If you are too tired right now, explain that to them. Even toddlers are able to get that. Been there, done that. And if kids feel you're taking them seriously from the beginning, they will be less likely to feel a need to act out Ime.
I am 50 and have adult children. I'm a pro and you're a novice.
Your opinion is heard and valued.
Jesus, grow up.
Thank you for your valuable contribution.
Stop projecting.
It's not valid, because I said so.
You've clearly never had a child asking why just to irritate you lol
Personally, I'd never do this to kids. While I'm not a parent, I have worked in childcare before.
If it's time sensitive and/or I can't answer at the moment, then I'll tell them that and explain later.
If it's something I don't know the answer to, then I'll tell them that and we can research the answer together.
I cannot think of any good reason to not give a kid an answer at all.
If this was a common thing, I'd even carry around a little notebook or use a notes app to write down the kid's questions, so we can get back to them later.
Having been one of those kids who always asked why, and having worked in childcare, it's fairly easy to tell the difference between when a kid is actually asking or if they're just messing around. But even if you don't have the time to discern that, you should at least put a pin in it for later.
Curiosity is so important in children and is a good motivator to help them like learning. If you kill your kid's curiosity by never giving any answer, you can't get it back.
Working in childcare and parenting are not the same thing. I understand your heart is in the right place but your experiences in childcare are not even remotely the experiences of parenting.
I always do my best to explain things to my kids but sometimes it just isn’t feasible or it has already been explained 1000 times and at that point the why loses its value and the task still has to get done.
I never said they were the same thing. I just brought up my childcare experience to show that I have been around kids who constantly ask why.
If you've explained many times and they keep asking, then they're most likely below the age of reason. Meaning they're younger than 6 years old. Being below the age of reason means that they're curious about the world around them but their brain isn't developed enough yet to actually understand and remember answers to the questions they ask.
At this age, the best way to deal with this and still get a task done is to employ a method that makes it less of a task and more fun for the child. The easiest way that I can think of is to use a song. Like the clean up song, for example. There's also praise and modeling good behaviors too. Or even distracting them, if you're trying to get them to give you a break from the questions or stop them from doing something dangerous.
Childcare in a school or daycare setting and parenting are not the same thing. You are obviously failing to realize this by the comments you keep making.
How so?
By modeling good behaviors, I mean you doing the modeling.
By praise, I mean things like "You did really well at cleaning up last time. Could you do it again?"
I do these things as well and I am not saying you are wrong in general but by the tone of your comments it is clear you do not understand the difference in situations between daycare and parenting.
And until you are a parent and experience it first hand no amount of explaining the difference will mean anything.
You didn't answer my question and are assuming that I'm using a rude tone.
I'm not. I genuinely asked you "how so" as I don't see how I'm "failing" to understand the difference between a child care setting versus a home/parenting setting given that the suggestions I've given can be applied in either setting, afaik. Am I wrong in that? Please do explain, if you can.
I completely disagree with your last sentence, because I'm trying to understand what you're not explaining and because I'll unfortunately never be able to be a parent.
Unfortunately I don’t think I will ever be able to explain it to you in a way that is satisfactory. Some experiences have to be lived to be able to understand them and their perspective properly.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you don’t have kids? You get a “because I said so” every once in awhile when you get asked the same question and have already given the same answer ad nauseum.
they genuinely want to know why
Yeah you don’t have kids do you?
You're not a parent uh? If you become one you'll figure out why that gets said.
Strange way to tell us you don't have kids, but ok.
Clearly you don't understand the true meaning of the phrase. "Because I said so" means "Since you don't like the answers I've already provided, this conversation is over for now."
Don't feel bad, when I was a kid, I didn't understand this, either. This is something you learn when you have children of your own.
The average human is both impatient and foolish.
Those who are foolish can't answer, and those who are impatient simply won't.
This unfortunate fact does not fade away just because that person has curious offspring.
Case in point: the downvoters of this comment.
Sometimes it would be nice if children just listened instead of asking why 200 times a day.
It's funny we are all talking about children when I think op ment themselves lol
When they ask the question for the 20th time in row, you will find it's an appropriate answer... after you have given up on them listening and following your very logical, well articulated answer. I'm guessing you have no kids.
I can’t be the only person who wasn’t bothered by this as a kid. Why would someone have to give me a detailed answer for a question that doesn’t require one? If I asked my parents ohh why can’t I have coffee as a 6 year old how is because I said so not a good enough answer lol? Even if they tried to explain how caffeine works that wouldn’t change the main reason being because they said no. I think this helped me discover my biggest pet peeve and that being people thinking they deserve a detailed explanation for every yes or no they get in their lives.
Literally, the only time I have ever given the "because" answer to my kids is when it was a safety or time-sensitive issue. As soon as the issue was passed, I would always take the time to explain things properly. I hated it when my adults did that to kid-me, I never want to disrespect my own children that way.