I miss my Mom. My Mama.

We had a fight the day before she had a cardiac arrest, because of her typical Filipino mom comments, and I particularly didn't like what she said about me. But we made up on the way home, seated at the back of the car ever since she got sick. She just held my hand tightly and I held hers back just as tight. We didn't say anything and just stayed like that the entire time.

I believed I'd see her after her dialysis but then, ugh, I'm so dumb. I feel so dumb, why didn't I notice anything wrong with her. I took med to try to prepare and help her for the long future, because I always saw her there at my graduation, licensure, and maybe even become a certified doctor.

I'm so fucking dumb. I feel guilty and not at all, because she wouldn't want me to feel guilty, and I haven't really cried a lot in my life, but my emotions are just going crazy when I start thinking if she knew how much I loved her.

We didn't have the perfect mother and daughter relationship, but we made it work and got stronger together, and understood each other better.

We'd bicker, hug, she would kiss my forehead and I'd snuggle up to her even until now. That's my mom man. I always appreciated her and I still do.

I stayed beside her the entire time, even with the seizures, the 2nd cardiac arrest, and throughout the doctors' analysis of her condition. I sat there and held her hand as she did the day before. I understood what they were saying, but I didn't want to, not for this. Tangina naman nagmed tapos ganto ung nangyare? Bakit naman Lord..

God I wish she gripped my hand back and tell me it was all a joke, and we'd go home and continue to bicker over dessert and food, and maybe over that cat I really wanted to adopt.

Mom I'm happy that you aren't hurting anymore and I hope you're eating all the food you wanted to ever since you got diagnosed with CKD.

I hope you're with your parents, and Ate, and our senior dog Cutie. I still can't believe you made little 6 year old me name her so confidently.

I will miss you all the time and enjoy life with our family.

Mom I wish you knew how much I loved you too.