We've been together for 10 years and I'm very proud to say never ako naattract sa ibang babae. Never ko inentertain yung thought na gusto ko pa ng ibang tao sa buhay ko. Pero fuck. I already feel like I'm a middle-aged man in a decades- long loveless marriage.
I'm very romantic. The kind who never gets tired of telling and showing her how much I love her. I worked very hard on myself so she could see I'll never get tired of becoming a better person for her. I also pushed myself to become successful in my career. Kung kelan nafeel ko na ready na ko magsettle down with her, she now treats me like I'm no more than a roommate. Literally. We just eat, sleep, work, repeat repeat repeat, every single day.
Worse, she has no interest in any form of intimacy. She flinches when I touch her and turns away when I try to kiss her. Don't get me started about sex. Ilang beses na kami nagusap about this. Sabi nya it's her, not me, and she assures me it's just a phase she's not sure will ever end. Sabi ko bakit naman ganun? Sabi nya nasa point na daw sya ng relationship na sa sobrang emotionally secure nya sakin, she doesn't think the physical aspects still matter as much. Sabi ko parang unfair naman yun. Everytime I bring it up, sinasabi lang nya, "If you want to leave, then leave." I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LEAVE, I WANT TO WORK THIS OUT.
Mabuti sana kung intimacy lang eh. Pero she has zero effort to remind me we're in a romantic relationship. She never compliments me because she thinks it's undignified. She barely shows affection and I never even feel adored around her. She chalks it up to her passive nature pero I can really feel she just can't be bothered anymore.
She's not cheating. I know that for a fact. I've been begging her to attend therapy so we can eventually do it as a couple but she has been pushing it back for months. I'm beginning to feel so lonely in this relationship but every time I try to talk to her, sinusumbat nya sakin na she stuck with me through the worst years of my life. Lahat na ng approach. Timba na ata iniyak ko sakanya, nagalit, naglayas, nagmakaawa, naging very rational, nothing worked. I feel like I'm watching myself die piece by piece.
Ramdam ko rin nawawala na yung fierce adoration ko sakanya. I'm starting to go out more after work because the thought of coming home is now equated with rejection. I hate that I'm starting to not even care whether we get better or not.
I hate that lately, I've been catching myself hitting on an attractive workmate. I hate that I've been catching myself smiling at harmless chats and thinking about said workmate's innocent touchiness... Until I come home to tell my girlfriend I love her and she pretends not to hear. Until I try to kiss her and gets pushed away.
Until I feel ashamed and heartbroken and angry, suddendly, asking workmate out feels justified.
Kelan nag start na naging ganyan? Baka may red flags naman na, pero di mo lang pinapansin kasi sobrang pagmamahal mo sa kanya. If sa tingin mo, wala ka nagawa na maging ganun sya, you better leave kesa magloko ka pa. Baka pagsisihan mo lang sa huli.