i just dont know anymore

Venting

ive kinda accepted that im a system for like 2 weeks now, and like i guess im just in denial like i go through stages of like accepting it but then hard denying it and its just so confusing

i also came across this person saying that when they first switched they always felt like a different person but they were on autopilot, and that just really resonated with me, i also have times of like talking to myself in my mind of course and like replying to myself but its always my voice but its like the vibe i dunno of a character of different person
also now that i have kinda been accepting it ive been dissociating more or like zoning out an its confusing at other times i feel like a completely different person and im just really really lost, i also like experience like the whole day but like forget it then throughout it or days would feel like two days in one or whenever i do research this i fell really disconnected and end up forgetting most of when i did search and remember it when i look at it again and then it continues

also if i am a system why cant i like talk to anyone like properly or like go to the innerworld like i have one but i just kinda vaguely go there and im alone, or like why cant i switch properly

im just really confused and lost and do kinda feel scared a bit i think

in OSDDby pixilated-glitchquestioning

90%

29d

MommaBaxl_29

29d

Hi, questioning system here! The autopilot thing resonates with me too! I'm trying to keep myself from denying that this is a possibility.

I also relate to time weirdness (two days feeling like one, and vice versa. Sometimes I'll get home from work and it'll feel like I went to work yesterday).

In terms of communication, it's actually more common for alters in the system to not have good communication when they first start to become aware. Especially if you are the host. That's the whole point of the disorder, to remain hidden. But it varies, so comparing is only helpful sometimes.

Much love on your journey! Also a great resource to learn more about DID/OSDD is the Rings System on YouTube! Multiplicity and Me is also a wonderful resource.

pixilated-glitch

questioning

29d

thanks for the recommendations and it feels better knowing im not alone

MommaBaxl_29

29d

Of course! It's also helpful to know that denial is also one of the biggest symptoms of this disorder. Remember, if you're WORRIED that you might be faking, then you aren't. People who are faking are never worried, cause they are making an active decision to fake. Keeping that fact in mind has really helped me not feel like a hypochondriac at the very least.

Wild_hominid

OSDD-1b

25d

How did you accept it? How are you comfortable with saying that you're questioning it. How did your alters become aware? Did they get mad at you? This is what I fear the most...

MommaBaxl_29

25d

Well, I haven't accepted it. Not really. What I have accepted is that something is going on in this noggin that is not quite within the realm of "normalcy" and a dissociative disorder kind of fits what I've been experiencing. I'm not 100% sure if I even have alters, though I've also read that some systems had several alters that collectively thought they were the host because they were constantly blending/co-fronting, so it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility. At the end of the day, whatever is going on, I just want to know how best to manage it.

If they are there, I think they would be frustrated that I do keep slipping into denial. But that is kinda what my role would be, if this is the case. I'm fighting that, and being gentle with myself that no matter what, I'm here for them. I've been encouraging them to make themselves known, but it's taking time.

Wild_hominid

OSDD-1b

25d

I'm going through the same thing but my alters think they're their own person. So we're having a crisis. It feels like I have to relive this crisis through all of them :(

MommaBaxl_29

25d

I'm sorry to hear you all are going through a tough time right now. And you all have your own autonomy. That is one of the realities of this disorder, is that you do need to learn to live with your alters because they have preferences and desires and needs too and not listening will cause more distress and dysregulation. Easier said than done, but that is the truth.

I wish you the best in your journey 💗

okghostboy

29d

hey! i relate with you and i just wanted to say that it’s okay to not have a label!

i’m trying to accept myself and have questions like why i don’t always hear my other head mates or why sometimes there are days when it seems like they aren’t there, blah blah blah

but my best advice (for both of us) is that it’s okay to not know and go with what we know, and adapt to it. i don’t know if i’m wording it correctly but i hope you understand and can hopefully find comfort in it!

im sorry if this wasn’t helpful but just know that its okay to be confused and scared and that your not alone!

pixilated-glitch

questioning

29d

no honesty it's good and nice knowing that I'm not the only one :b

Navy-Wall

29d

Im a front stuck host. when I discovered my system I thought the entire system was me, my beach, and Ban. Who’s just Ban, idk what his role is.

Over time another protector came forward and basically told me “hey, there’s an entire barrier keeping you from the actual inner world. This is your space to hangout at the front, goblins who need to come talk to you will.”

I get flashes of the “deeper” innerworld from time to time, and apparently this is alters up at the beach with me sharing memories of their lives in the innerworld. Kinda like they’re showing me post cards.

It took a really long time to even realize we had different voices in our head bc we thought they were all mine. Come to find out one of the goblins designed it that way so I would blame the conflicting thoughts on ADHD instead of dissociation.

All of my communication with my system is internal, I guess it’s pretty common with OSDD systems. But we had to work really hard to establish that communication. It took years to get it all sorted out

pixilated-glitch

questioning

29d

dam that sound relatable expesualy for the longest time I thought I was just being a silly guy or was really good at impromptu acting or just really bad at desision making cause I'd ask myself stuff and I'd get agreement and disagreement lol

Green_Rooster9975

28d

Oh man, I relate so much to this. Wow.

SprigatitoNEeveelovr

28d

Ive been lurking here for a while Im not going to claim anythin for myself But Imma share with you some CONFIRMED things that Ive seen a lot

These feelings are all valid and possible hints. Dont forget to stay/try to be grounded, relax, and JOURNAL everything. Anything weird, or if you just want to be sure you remember, JOURNAL IT!!! Journalling has been SO helpful since I started the journey myself so far
The innerworld isnt really "real". The inner world is not an actual specific place you can just go to. It is a fabricated thing you can create during meditation to help visualise alters to talk to them, but its not like an alternate dimension or anything. If you aren't front you just aren't conscious for the most part, as you ARE just ONE brain. No matter how many alters you are there can only be so many actually conscious at once. If you arent fronting it will just seem like you were asleep and woke up somewhere if you suddenly front midday. So your alters wont just suddenly show up in your innerworld if you are able to even visualise one and its not necessarily fake just because no one is there. It just means no one is conscious with you. I refer to point one, relax and journal.

Even if other alters arent really front or even possibly cocon, sometimes they can show up in an innerworld if youre reaching out, but the way it works isnt just a simple thing and it takes a LOT of work.

Dont forget if you CAN try to get therapy ASAP if youre really feeling like this. The sooner you get help the better.

SprigatitoNEeveelovr

28d

Honestyl Id read this post since youre new Its really helped me stay clear in what to look for "do I relate?" to help ground me etc. as I lurk this subreddit

It also better explains the innerworld thing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OSDD/s/PE5Gxn5LNs

SmolFrogge

OSDD-1b | Madlads system

27d

It took us a full year with weekly work with a therapist from realizing we were a system to being able to access our headspace and have conversations with people. Even then, when we’re blended or sharing front in a more segmented way, it’s very hard for us to communicate until after the fact.

We also resonate with the autopilot concept, and our host is frontstuck. We can’t force switches but some members are more readily available than others for comment if they are asked for.

Many of the systems you’ll see here are years into their processing. It’s so normal and okay that you’re still struggling with this stuff. 🧡🌻~Charlie

pixilated-glitch

questioning

27d

oof that's a long time lol

SmolFrogge

OSDD-1b | Madlads system

27d

Yeah, it’s not a very fast process for us. Some might have faster progress but I feel like that’s rarer.

pixilated-glitch

questioning

27d

yea that's fair I'm just really impacient lol, although I think I'm making okay progress sometimes I can talk to them :p