My boyfriend (25M) and I (25F) have been together for 8 years. 4 months ago he recently became friends with another woman while out with friends and I discovered they have been chatting on Whatsapp frequently, talking on the phone and she recently drunk dialed him. All of this I found out, he never once mentioned her to me until I saw his call logs. I told him that it's weird for someone he just met to drunk dial him, especially since she knows he is in a relationship. I asked him to set clear boundaries but he was hesitant. I had to beg him to stop talking to her so often that maybe she was getting the wrong impression, but he still did not want to do that. He changed his password to his phone and I just don't trust him anymore He told me he'dstop talking to her but he still has her number saved on his phone so I think he's lying. We've been together for 8 years and he's known this girl for mere months, why is he acting so suspicious? He says nothing is going on but my gut tells me otherwise. Is he cheating? This isn't the first time he's done something like this either. I just feel so heartbroken because I don't know what is the truth anymore and he doesn't seem to care how his actions make me feel. Any advice?
👀👀👀 This guy isn't interested in even appearing trustworthy. Even if he isn't cheating, imagine how much tension his bad judgment would cause.
I had a lot of female friends when I got married. Didn't drastically change my behavior, but my phone was unlocked and available for audit. No deletions, just an open book.
Can't be positive, but the truth is anyone who's been in a single relationship since age 17 has a significant chance of being curious about others.
Yeah she totally could. What’s your point? Is this one of those “competitive thinking” things? She should just dump him regardless of whether or not she’s “curious” 🤷🏼♂️
You're pretty quick, taint'cha
no its her fault because he made a decision he regrets
I asked him to set clear boundaries with her if they were to continue being friends. He did not want to tell her that its inappropriate to call a taken man often. And he is still talking to her. He does not regret anything nor does he seem to care about breaking my trust or mending it.
...
They were being sarcastic.
Not anyone, mostly insecure people who feel like they're gonna miss out on life if they dont sleep with random people they don't care about.
It is a natural human reaction to have curiosity about other people and experiences as a young adult into adulthood. It isn’t about insecurity, that doesn’t even make sense. Insecurity can cause one to act out and stray, but curiosity is a very real thing. And for someone with little experience, it’s only natural. That might not be your experience but it’s a lot of people’s.
Yeah when you enter into university, not doing a 180 at age 25 after being in a relationship for 8 years without problem. And if he did have a problem throughout that time and didn't end the relationship then this is really a surprising turn of events. He was signaling for 8 years that he was a monogamous type of person who wasn't into sleeping around and then suddenly this. This is weird and surprising yes.
And if he really is a monogamous type of individual and then suddenly wants to go sleep around then he's insecure and trying to fill some void in his life after being told by society that you'd be missing out if you don't sleep around when you're young.
She has clearly indicated this isn’t the first issue. And yes, whole change. Especially 8 years into marriage. Ever heard of the “7 year itch?” It is a concept that after 7 years of marriage men (typically) begin to get curious about people other than their partner. The “itch” doesn’t give people an excuse to cheat, but it’s such a common phenomenon that we have a name for it.
Look, this person got into a relationship at 17 and it’s their only one. I don’t care if they are now 20, 25 or 55, it’s only natural to be curious about other people. There is no nobility and holding the line that a “real” monogamist wouldn’t be curious. Why can’t they be? This guys behavior is the problem, but his curiosity is not.
I mean it depends on the type of person, and a 7 year itch isn't true necessarily of all or even most relationships. It's a name of a theorized concept not a study or empirical data. Curiosity isn't wrong and not being monogamous isn't wrong either as long as everyone is consenting, it just feels like this whole discussion is framed in the way that she should have seen this coming when it really isn't that obvious.
No one is framing that way. We are all pretty much on her side. We are saying I’m his behavior isn’t surprising because almost nobody is still with the person they dated at 17. That’s very rare.
When I brought up the 7 year itch, it was to illustrate the point that people often get curious or tired in their relationships after time. I’m not suggesting this is some kind of empirical fact, I never did that. Only that enough people get tired of their partners after being in them for years that we have coined a term for it.
I find it frustrating that you can’t seem to understand the points I think I have made pretty clear. Especially because you are arguing something that no one else is arguing against other than suggesting that someone should be capable of perfect monogamy and commitment at 17 which I find to be a completely unrealistic claim.
Sounds like someone's projecting.
I’m glad I slept with a bunch of people I didn’t know while discovering what I’m into.
Good for you, it doesnt mean that you'll miss out on life if you don't. If someone chooses to be in a long term relationship and suddenly "gets curious" at 25 and feels like they have to sleep around...
Then first of all, that's completely on him and she has a full right to be surprised about it given that he was willing to be in a long term relationship. Second of all is a sign that he has bigger problems in his life if he can't be happy without suddenly fucking random girls after 8 years of being together with someone.
Well i guess you can state the trust is gone...so i would break up.
Sure it's though that he gives another women allot of attention... But i think the relationship is over when you were more suspicious, checked his call logs... He changes his password... Action, reaction, which will go from bad to worse...
The only thing to do are : 1. give it another try and make a tough talk with eachother in order to establish the trustbond back... Which could happen... But most of the time it's just or after a while 2. Break up
"Trust arrives on foot and leaves on horseback"
I like your saying about trust, so true, and I was raised with horses so I know how fast you can loose trust! Trust me😁
25 yo and 8 years together, plus not responding to any comments....idk sounds blurry.
Edit: OP is real, i just got a wellness check from reddit, lol. First time for everything.
Just got one too... wth?
Same
Same… why it do dat?
Everyone is saying they're getting a bunch of them today across a bunch of different subreddits, I think it's a bug.
You can report the wellness check if it's fraudulent, best case scenario it's a big, worst case it's OP or someone else and reddit does not fuck around with fraud reports of the wellness check, and will get some sort of ban.
until I saw his call logs.
So you were snooping through is phone? The fact is that you don't trust him. It doesn't matter if he's cheating; the writing is on the wall. What happens if you discover he's not cheating? Will you trust him fully and not have to monitor his phone, or will you always have the worry in the back of your mind?
I feel like everyone's brushing over this.. to me it sounds like, she's jealous he's made a new friend, she snooped through his phone because she got jealous, found no evidence of him cheating but asked him to stop talking to his friend and STILL suspects he is cheating, and gets pissed off that he changed his password because she invaded his privacy. Then everyone on here is telling her to dump his ass.. sounds more like he should dump her insecure ass.
Exactly! Everyone else in the comments are giving OP the immediate pass like she's a mishandled maiden or some shit. But out of their described behaviour, she's the one that's been the most controlling, deceptive and distrusting.
He isn't the problem, she is.
You really draw this conclusion after all the information OP has provided, lmao
I'm not an expert on the matter. I'm sharing my perspective. You're perfectly fine to disagree. Especially since in the end, our available information on the situation is really limited.
A few things. 1) I was never mad he made a new friend. I was mad that this new friend would call him days in a row and drunk dial him of all people. That raised questions in my head because when I'm drunk, I usually dial my s/o. 2) Before telling him to cut ties with her, I told him to set boundaries with her so that neither of us are misled. He refused to set those boundaries and immediately put a lock on his Whatsapp. 3) I checked his phone because he has been taking it everywhere, even the shower. I think that would raise any s/o curiosities and suspicion. 4) He has had inappropriate conversations with other female friends in the past, which is why my reaction was to check the phone.
Sounds like you already know what you want to do/think has happened and aren’t looking for advice but rather confirmation.
He is lying to her as she tells it. We don’t have his perspective, but I’m not sure how you read that he is lying to her and it’s causing her to not trust him as her problem
Look, some people are closer to their friends than others. I think the real issue here is that he seems to want to keep the friendship secret.
That's usually a red flag.
I can easily see both sides here- she might be so snoopy and goes off the wall at having female friends, that he tried to avoid telling her, because he knows she won't like it, and is insisting that he's allowed to still have friends.
But I can also see the large possibility that he's cheating. I just wish it was so clear cut, without her having previously not liked his female friends.
Hard to tell for sure for me on this one.
And OP lurking through his phone logs isn't? They're both in the wrong here.
I can forgive a light snoop. Hell, I left my phone unlocked.
Some advice, though. If you conduct a secret investigation and your partner is cleared, 1) drop the case until and unless new evidence arises and 2) do something nice for your partner.
It's probably time for a nice "no reason" gift if you've been living the unnecessarily paranoid lifestyle.
You posted a question in Reddit so the answer is you obviously have to break up
There is not enough context. Be an adult and talk to him about it
I think you know the answer, unfortunately I know these things can be hard to accept. But it’s fairly obvious. Kick his ass to the curb.
Wait... elaborate on "This isn't the first time he's done something like this either." What do you mean?
I mean he has had boardline inappropriate conversations with "female friends" and I had to beg him to cut ties with them..
It's very easy to not do that, so he obviously doesn't care to stop.
So here is the deal- In my eyes he is just disregarding your thoughts. Plus his "hesitation" to set boundaries with her should tell you what it means.
- You said you don't trust him.
- He is hesitant to set boundaries, while he is in a relationship is a red flag.
- His past behavior is still there judging by his attitude currently
- Why lock the phone? I mean it why? Seems unnecessary, him locking it just after you said to stop makes it even more suspicious.
Now you have to ask your self 1 question. Are you willing to live a life with a guy that tries to hide, lie, and no boundaries with another woman he is friends with and have the risk of him leaving at somepoint in time because of this behavior of his?
Most relationships that start from highschool have some rough roads when adult hood comes. But if roads can't be fixed it's better to find someone else that can understand. Rather than staying with someone that doesn't.
Thanks for this advice. Your thoughts are similar to mine, and it's refreshing to know that I'm not just a paranoid "insecure" gf that others claim and that it is unusual behavior for someone in a long term relationship.
No worries. You are not paranoid or insecure. You are still young even if you decide to break it, you are still 25 you have plenty of time to find someone that is open, honest and respectful to your thoughts and opinions like you do the same for them as well. Good Luck.
Could be something, could be nothing.
One woman who was apparently flirting with me turned around and walked away as soon as I mentioned my wife.
Another one is now better friends with my wife than she is with me.
Ask to meet her, if he gets so defensive it's out of character, something could be going on. The only surefire evidence of it is catching him in the act or evidence of said act though.
I don’t know if he’s physically cheating but this is probably an emotional affair.
Yes, just dump him already. This relationship is already dead by the way you described. Just make it official. You might as well leave with some self-respect intact.
If there's this level of distrust in the relationship, and you feel this way and feel the need to ask Reddit strangers to figure out if your partner is cheating, then your relationship truly is doomed. If you don't break up now, you definitely will eventually, regardless.
Hopefully you do some work on yourself as well so you learn to choose better partners in the future. 🤷♂️
I think OP is the one who might also need some work, so that they become a better partner in the future.
The level of controlling behaviour and distrust they exhibit here shows signs of them being rather toxic.
lol I love your flair
I say it all the time, so might as well have it permanently there.
It's honestly really annoying to always feel like you have to qualify everything with "in my opinion" on this site. Because people will dogpile on something subjective you said that is clearly an opinion and they'll be like "NO THAT'S NOT A FACT" or whatever. Bro. I know. It's a discussion forum where opinions are being said constantly. When people talk, they are talking from their perspective. It is assumed?
You’re in like 80% of comments here. In my personal opinion you’re projecting
That's a nice opinion. I disagree, but still nice 👍🏻
If he was my boyfriend I'd take that as cheating
Guys and girls cannot be friends. They can’t. Doesn’t exist. Particularly when one or both of them are in relationships with other people. Not real. Can NEVER happen. He is most definitely interested in this other person. If he hasn’t cheated yet, he’s opening himself up to it. Or potentially warming up to the idea. My personal opinion is text, calling, or even communicated secretly with the opposite sex is basically cheating. You aren’t crazy and I don’t blame you one bit for snooping if you’ve snooped. This is a guy’s perspective btw.
Can’t tell whether sarcasm or not.
Not sarcasm in the least.
Finally!! I was looking for a guy to say this.. Thank u. I'm a woman, and this is exactly both me and my husband's POVs.
I completely disagree, me and my wife have been together 23 years since 16, over that time I have had close friendships with several woman. I work in a female dominated profession so it happens that I meet and become close to woman. I have never cheated, the ones who have stuck around are now close friends with me and my wife, later when they got partners we all became friends. Some of our closest male friends, were friends with my wife first also. I understand (from the constant discourse online) in North America people are quite fixated on traditional gender roles but theirs a big wide world out there, this is a cultural trait not a biological one.
I fully agree about the secretive communication though, if your not doing anything wrong why keep it a secret? If the new friend is a good friend with nothing to hide invite her round for dinner. Changing his what's app password? If I was OP my bags would have already been packed.
While I was incorrect to use such definitive answers such as cannot and never, your situation is the outlier. And this is likely partially due to the generation you belong to in my opinion! Different times.
It always breeds distrust. Always. It’s simply not worth it.
I discovered they have been chatting on Whatsapp frequently
and
I saw his call logs
and
He changed his password to his phone
He's probably cheating, which is a breach of trust.
You're going into his phone, which is a breach of trust.
You're just as toxic as he is.
I admit it was wrong to check his phone but if I didn't then I would have been led to believe a lie. I checked his phone because he suddenly deleted our pics on his social media and his phone is always on silent now. He also has been taking his phone everywhere, even in the shower.
First, I believe he's cheating.
Second, let's assume he's not cheating and you snooped on his phone. You're now the one who broke the trust.
His actions don't justify yours.
Second this, I understand if he doesn't trust OP when she takes measures like this. Even in a relationship people must be allowed to have their secrets.
I agree everyone should have secrets but in this case, it's just cruel to lead me on if he's interested in someone else. He should atleast be upfront with me instead of sneak behind my back..
Listen to your gut…
...when she's WhatsApping him Listen to your gut.....
as a man in this situation i would be fully transparent with my partner. i think what's happening here is he's cheating.
Definitely he's cheating
You think he's lying? You know he's lying, if he's gone down this road before don't waste any more of you time or your life on him he's not going to stop and he has no respect for you respect yourself and leave this looser!
We have no way to know. Reddit will be quick to jump to conclusions, but we really don't have more information than you do. From where we stand, he could be a cheater, you could be paranoid and controlling. Both versions fully account for the information we get. It could even be both.
That's the sad thing with cheating suspicions. At least one part of the couple is being very wrong, and there is no way to know which (even from the inside) unless a sure cheating is eventually revealed. Definitely not a healthy relationship, though.
Definitely
Yes, he is likely cheating. Meeting at a bar and being “friends “ is not likely.
I can quarantee that the replies you’ve been getting would be drastically different had you switched the genders around.
Sounds doomed to me. Your partner refuses to set boundaries after you’ve expressed how uncomfortable the relationship between them feels like, and that should be enough to tell you how much he respects you
Well , here is my two cents . Despite the gender you should first prioritise your love over someone who he has met recently . If your guys says he is then he probably is
If you confronted him then he changes his past word I would drop him the only time he should be talking to any other females if it’s a mutual friend you both have and it shouldn’t even be that often if he’s done something like this before then he’s most likely doing it again cheaters usually stay cheaters you shouldn’t even allow it to happen once.
Yes
Yes
End the relationship. Seriously. You already know it’s what you need to do and are here to confirm that. So I’m confirming the feeling. End it now and move on. Plenty of good men out there just waiting for you.
Step your sex game up…. You became to comfortable in 8 years and he’s probably looking for a girl that shows him attraction and attentiveness. Speaking from experience
the guts never lies
If he's not already cheating, I can guarentee that he's thinking about it and will eventually. Changing the password on his phone obviously doesn't help ease your concerns. I imagine if it was all totally innocent then he would want to show you that he was being transparent, not become more secretive.
If he's more concerned about maintaining his relationship with this new girl, and doesn't want to hurt her feelings by cutting ties with her, then it's fair to assume that he values her more than he values you.
I think this is the beginning of the end. Brace yourself.
You realise you’re describing an abuse victim right?
“He should want to let you to violate his privacy and scour through his phone logs”
“If he doesn’t cut contact with his friends at your demand, he doesn’t value you”
Always check the phone from time to time.. call it trust issues or whatever , but it shouldn’t be a problem looking at your partners phone every now and then and vise versa.. if both you got nothing to hide then what’s wrong with it? People always bring this “you don’t trust me” bull crap! Yeah I don’t .. like he’s kinda talking to another girl and she’s drunk calling him.. trust goes out the window in that specific situation.. he’s gotta build your trust back.. and trust me if they haven’t slept together yet then there’s definitely feelings being developed with them.. and he wants to keep going with it! I used to do the same thing with all my exes.. I was a prolific cheater and would get called out and say “she’s just a friend” and then change my password instantly cuz I had shit to hide.. the girls names were dudes names on my phone lol, I’m 30 now and I’m not like that now but until I was 26 I was just a cheat.. after 30 you get over it I guess.. but yeah good luck to you.. I’d say if he’s not gonna listen to you and your feelings then You gotta let him go to protect your self! Good luck my friend!
Sorry to tell you but he certainly is. I have been in a similar situation. My gut knew it 100% but I refused to believe it. Do yourself a favor and end it, its not worth it and let me tell you, it gets better.
The gut doesn't lie.
100% cheating. My husband did the same thing.
I’ve always said to follow your gun instinct in these scenarios. It’s almost always right.
Yep he is cheating Plus no “ commitment “ to you after 8 years and I bet he is hoping you will break up with him … so he won’t look like a jerk breaking up with you One word Ultimatum tell him if you catch him it’s over If he lies it’s over And if you do break up it’s his loss And you don’t have to deal with that Crap
Have you considered that he's helping her with a bad relationship she's gone through? I can absolutely see it being a situation where she's been through a bad breakup, or has some other issue, and she wants the help of a friend for comfort, notably with consideration to the drunk dialling situation.
And if that is the case I can also see why he'd be hesitant to just block her off or cut down on communication (which from the start is an unreasonable thing to ask IMO, and more shows your need for control rather than care for your collective well-being), since such a thing might give her the wrong signs, which can move a situation from bad to worse very fast.
If someone is facing abandonment issues after a breakup, the last think you should do is start ghosting them half the time.
I don't get why Reddit's first instinct always has to be cheating...
100% cheating. Better sniff his dick for pussy residue
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭nah you got it
If it was me I would end it - as hard as that may be, I think longer term it’s the right thing. I say this because a womans gut is rarely wrong. I am 32 and have been in so many relationships/situationships and my gut has always right. I have tried to ignore it in the past and the longer you put off ending something that isn’t right, the more painful it is in the end. Also you are SO young - TOO young to be with someone who makes you feel like this. I could be wrong but this is my opinion from my own experience x
You shouldn’t feel insecure in your relationship. It seems like you have had a conversation with him, but I would say to have a deeper conversation with him. Don’t ask him to do anything for you in this conversation, just express your feelings to him and see what happens. if it doesnt bother him that it bothers you then I wouldn’t continue with the relation.
I would go through this with my ex-husband of 8 years.
My amazing 2nd husband of 6 years showed me that I want to be heard. I want my feelings to be considered in my relationship.
Your feelings matter. Your feelings should NOT be brushed off.…. It may be time to more on from the relationship.
I did have a deeper conversation and not much has changed. I am planning to break up with him. I don't think he is someone I can trust anymore.
I’m sorry sweetie. I wish you all the happiness in life.
He’s cheating. Once you start with the begging, he knows that you won’t do anything about it.
He’s cheating. And if he isn’t actively cheating in a physical or emotional sense, he’s considering it which honestly is just as bad since you’re in a long term committed relationship. This happened to me once and I walked away because for me, if you aren’t sure about me or us after so long together then it’s run its course and I’ll move on down the road to find someone who can be or will be sure of us.
Yes. Yes he is cheating and tryna gaslight you into thinking you’re crazy. Dump this soab
Would you be similarly jealous if your bf was bi? Unless you tell each other about every single person you talk to, there's nothing wrong in talking to other people and getting defensive when someone forbids you to do it.
Lying is bad though.
I had no issue with them talking, but the late night phone calls and drunk dialing when they've only known eachother a few months is what raised my concern. She could've called anyone else, not so? Why call a guy who she knew was in a relationship.
I’m in a similar boat in that I’m 22 with my wife who is also 22, we’ve been together going on 5 years now. I will say something that my closest friends and I struggle with is the boundaries with our ladies. I was a decently popular guy in high school and still sort of am to this day, I party, I go to bars, I go on trips out of town with my friends who in that roster include females. I and my close guy friends share the sentiment that we don’t mention female friends to our ladies because said ladies will inevitably force a disconnect or develop resentment to us and our female friends (which my wife and my buddies fiancé have already done to a female friend in our lives). We don’t like being weird about it, we don’t have ill intentions while in our relationships nor do our female friends. All that said for me to essentially ask a couple questions:
Would you accept it if they were just drinking buddies? Do you trust your partner to be around and maintain a friendship of the opposite gender? Have you given him reason to be unfaithful? (Ex: you being unfaithful or you making his life extremely difficult)
If you answer no any of these, than it may be time to have a sit down with him and try to explain what and why you’re feeling the way you are. If he dismisses you there may be underlying issues. If he helps to solve the problem then you can both move on and work from there.
Maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. I know I'll get shit for this but it is a thing. My wife and I both have opposite sex friends but there are very clear boundaries there. If she were to tell me that she was uncomfortable with me talking to someone, that's that. Over. What we've built is more important to me than a friendship with someone. If your dude's not willing to recognize that, he may not be as invested as you. That's the point where you need to take stock of the relationship. Is it a partnership or is he just biding his time looking for (what he thinks) is the next best thing?
He’s done it before? That’s a red flag. Once a cheater always a cheater
Oh no, this sounds rough! Eight years is a long time, and it's totally normal to feel hurt and confused if things are feeling suspicious.
Here's the thing: guys can be oblivious sometimes, but that doesn't mean he's automatically a cheater. Maybe this new friend is just...well, a new friend he chats with a lot. Still, it's not cool that it's making you feel this way.
The best thing to do is have an honest chat with your boyfriend. Not an accusatory one, but a "hey, this situation is making me feel insecure, can we talk?" kind of chat. Communication is key!
Here's how you could approach it:
- Tell him how much you care about him and the relationship (positive vibes!).
- Explain how his close friendship with this new girl is making you feel uneasy (be honest, but kind!).
- Maybe even brainstorm some ways you both feel comfortable with him communicating with friends (boundaries are good!).
Remember, trust is super important. If you can't talk things through openly and honestly, or if he's not willing to make you feel secure, then that might be a sign you need some outside help (like a couples counselor).
Sending you strength, girl! You've got this.
You have already lost trust in him, I think the relationship is going to be very hard to maintain. He has lied to you already, I think you have reason to be suspicious.
My advice is to sit him down and very clearly tell him that his relationship is making you uncomfortable and you would like him to limit it. Set a clear boundary. The thing with a boundary is that if he crosses it, you have to act. I think it is reason to end things with him if he doesn’t respect you in the relationship, and that is what he is doing. To be honest, it sounds like this is on life support. Without trust, there is no relationship.
Go with your gut.
If you haven’t gotten married in 8 years you might never. Just an opinion. Met my wife and married her in 8mo at 26. When you know you know. People change a lot in mid 20’s. Recommend breaking it off if his eyes are wandering. He’s likely changing to desire something different.
If he isn’t, he’s gonna.
He is 100 percent cheating if everything you said is correct. The fact the you are in an 8 year relationship and he has changed his passwords says enough. Anyone who has to lock their phones from someone they’ve been with that many years is either cheating or will cheat eventually.
This is so hard to answer over a platform where you can’t see the person, I just want to hug you, human to human, and say it’s going be okay.
I think you know the answer already. You deserve so much better. I know it’s easier said than done and we all have to do things on our own time. Theres never been man who did all of these things and NOT cheat
You deserve so much better and it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, you’re more than enough. He’s just a jerk and it’s time for you to make a decision so you can find your own happiness. This doesn’t sound happy if you’re constantly having to suspect or wonder. Trust your gut and the observations from his actions. It’s clear as a day. It is hard to admit, but there is a whole world of men out there. Good ones, handsome, and stable ones and ones who will never do that to you. Know your worth and don’t ever let anyone make you feel like anything you’re less.
I usually hate these threads but it really sounds like it, yeah.
If you are fat, multiply the chance of him cheating by about
30x.
lol no, not fat actually.
“this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this either.”
oh honey