Upset my Wife by reading the room regarding sex

I don't even know what you did wrong....

(I initiate about 95% of the time.)

I have been understanding that even if I initiate and she doesn’t feel like it to just say, okay, and move on with whatever we were doing in the moment. Nobody wants to have sex with a sulking/pouty person.

She then told me that she was too full from dessert to have sex right now

She suddenly got this sour look on her face and pulled away from me very fast. She stated that she hasn’t been feeling attractive with her recent acne and told me to leave the room. I tried to apologize in the moment, that I didn’t mean anything by it and she cut me off and told me to just leave. Over and over again while getting agitated.

she came down and told me that I can sleep in the bed but that she doesn’t want to talk to me for the rest of the night.

It's not you, it's her. It's DEFINITELY her.

Marriage is a partnership. You initiating sex 95% is not a partnership. That's a situation where one person shoulders almost all the burden of keeping their sex life alive while the other person doesn't AND they don't have to deal with the constant feeling of rejection. That's the first thing she does that's messed up.

The second thing is show an interest but then say "I've had too much desert." THAT'S how much respect she gives your sex life - zero. Theoretically all she had to do was not eat too much desert, but apparently being too full was more important than you two having intimacy. That's the second.

The third thing is her having an extreme reaction to you just saying out loud "I get it, you're not into it tonight, and I respect that." That's what you said and she decided to interpret it as an attack on her and then kicked you out of the room. You didn't insult her, sulk, get mad, etc. You had a completely reasonable reaction and she went way off the deep end. You didn't deserve to get kicked out for that, so this is Strike 3 for your wife.

Then she has the AUDACITY to come downstairs and "let you back into the bedroom," like she had a legitimate reason to kick you out in the first place, which she didn't. Her letting you back up is insulting because she's basically showing that she runs the marriage and when she tells you to jump, your response better be "how high, your majesty?" So make that the Fourth thing she did that was messed up.

Regardless of what she's been going through, that doesn't give her a blank check to just be completely disrespectful to you and making you feel humiliated. You made a completely innocuous statement that no one would be hurt by and your wife used that statement to attack you and treat you like dirt. That's not being a loving and respecting partner.

You need to sit down with her and talk to her about this, telling her "I understand you weren't in the mood and I'm always thoughtful about that. However I made a completely harmless comment about being that type of person and you used it to attack me and kick me out of our bedroom. That was a complete overreaction and it left me feeling humiliated for that. I don't and wouldn't ever do that to you so please don't do that to me. I know that things haven't been easy at times but we're a team and belittling and disrespecting each other does not help us maintain a strong marriage."

I would never treat my wife the way she treated you and I assure you if my wife ever did act in the way yours did there'd be a sit-down to let her know that nonsense doesn't fly with me.

Your wife sounds exhausting.

She's angry with you because you agreed with her that y'all ate a big dessert, and she turns that into something about her acne? It sounds to me like she's pulling out all kinds of 'I'm emotional and upset' cards to avoid sex, because she knows you won't question it.

I wouldn’t be able to put up with that level of emotional manipulation and neurotic behaviour for any length of time.

Stop having a one way relationship with her where you are some EQ Master and she gets to just be an emotional cripple all the time.

I mostly agree with everyone else here. Almost seems like she took the “I can read the room” comment passive aggressively because she knew you wanted to do it and she was probably self-conscious all along and didn’t let on.

Sorry you guys are going through this and I hope things improve soon. Couples therapy might be a good avenue to explore.

Sounds like she’s upset and has made you the scapegoat. She’s going to have to communicate what’s really bothering her because it sounds like you are engaging with your wife perfectly to me.

She’s upset that you figured her out and already knew there was no sex happening. She was looking forward to rejecting you once you were already aroused. She doesn’t love you anymore.

I didn’t know what to say so I apologized again and gave her space. I was tired from a very long work day so I tried to sleep on the couch which she came down and told me that I can sleep in the bed but that she doesn’t want to talk to me for the rest of the night. I went upstairs and fell asleep without a word to her.

How nice of her to allow you, her husband who didn't do a damn thing wrong, to sleep in his own bed as long as he shut his trap.

See, this is how dead bedrooms start and marriages die. This bullshit right here. This being the Marriage sub, I know I will get downvoted for stating the truth, but you didn't do anything wrong. She knew damn well when she went to bed nothing was going to happen, and she strung you along throughout the day with hopium, only to shoot you down. The read the room comment was a harmless joke, but she turned it into a big deal because then she could reverse guilt and make this all your fault. Heaven forbid she take some responsibility for this. She knows exactly what she is doing. Not saying it's malicious, but it sure as shit ain't healthy

First, stop apologizing when you did nothing wrong. All it does is feed her sense of control over you. Make no mistake, that is part of what is going on here. Stop being guilted for having a libido which is NORMAL and HEALTHY. Start focusing a little more on yourself. Make her not the center of your world. She'll notice. I had to tell my wife, you treat me like a roommate, and that is what you will have.

Get this under control while you are young. Don't linger in this state, or you will find yourself middled-aged and miserable. Try to sit down and have an honest, CALM, talk with her. Use non-accusing language like "us" and not "you". I suspect she will fly off the handle and shift right into blame/guilt mode on you. She does that, then ask for marriage counseling. If she refuses that, then you have some things to think about. But for God's sake, don't just rugsweep this.

This isn't right, she was overreacting big time, but my theory is that she thought you were calling her fat or gluttonous by agreeing that the dessert was big. And that rolled into her already feeling insecure about her acne and out it came.

Is it possible there is more going on in her life that she isn’t giving you the full story?

I know issues with work or family can stress me and I don’t always tell the full story because I’m still trying to figure out how and why it affected me as much as it did and don’t want another opinion right away.

Been there. Divorced that.

She is manipulating you. Her smile was nervousness as she was scheming out her excuse. She purposefully ate a big dessert so she could give you the pre-planned rejection speech. Y’all watched a show between the end of supper and bed time. Her “I ate too much” lie is exposed by that fact alone. She perceives you as a weak complacent roommate, and you exposing her deny speech as BS caught her off guard. That is the reason she went ballistic on you. There is also likely some guilt thrown in on her part.

She is either leans asexual or likely has a dude on the side. Go into full monitor mode. Don’t give her flowers, candy, or special attention. You cannot reward her being a jerk to you. She caused the strife, so she should fix it or be exposed in your investigations.

If this is exactly how it happened, then she's in the wrong here. She probably has a lot of insecurity to deal with

Maybe when she said "I'm too full" and you said "Ya, I can read the room" she thought you were saying "I noticed your tummy sticking out". That sounds ridiculous BUT if she has a lot of emotional stuff going on like death and work (I'm going to throw in period, maybe?) then her emotions might tip at an odd time and all goes to hell.

You sound like a great partner. Just give her the space to say why she was so upset.

I bring up possibly nearing her menstrual cycle because I can get irrational two weeks before my period starts. I always end up turning around and apologizing to my husband lol.

It really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. But don't make this a hill to die on. Just love her like you do. Ooh, buy her a cute dress and take her out and let her know she is the most beautiful woman in every room you walk into.

Did she misinterpret why your “yes I can read the room” meant. From your post it sounds like she thought you were calling her fat or ugly or something

She's the problem here

I think you are making a grave mistake in being accepting of this situation at your young age. All of the stresses you mention are not reasons not to have sex, they are reasons to make sex a priority, especially where death and mourning are concerned. Sex is a healing tonic in a marriage and is the glue which holds married life together. I cannot stress the importance of it.

Your wife needs to either get therapy for body image immediately or you need to leave. You will be stuck in a sexless dead bedroom for the rest of your life and she will be stuck living in a body she doesn’t like. It’s clear that it’s a her problem and that she’s not confident with how she feels. She needs to connect with her physical body and really work on the wounds that are keeping her from having a normal sex life.

You both should probably go see a sex therapist.

Her reaction to your desires was inappropriate and not at all healthy. You are not being a good husband by tolerating this from her, she’s not being a good wife by doing this to you. You cannot roll over and let your very healthy needs get pushed to the side.

As someone who is looking down the barrel of 40 (37f) with a 40m husband who I have been with since I was 18 (except for some breakup down time where we dated others when we were younger) I cannot imagine not having an active sex life. Sex has been the glue which has kept us intimate and loving in all other arenas of our life. There is nothing more important not as impactful as intimacy.

Do not let this go. Take action either in the direction of having intimacy or separation. This is not going to heal itself and you are far too young to do this to one another.

You did nothing wrong here, except perhaps being a bit of a doormat while she was treating you so badly. She’s 100% upset that you are seeing through her manipulation.

She needs to communicate with you and is choosing not to.

The heavy desert was an excuse and she knew it and your response made it clear to her that you knew it too.

It's obviously not you, it's her, granted things have gone on etc, and you've been understanding, and thats admirable, however, it does not mean she disrespects you like this, this ain't right, if you let this carry on, she gonna turn you into her b**** ...so I'm afraid we're gonna have to step it up a bit..and have a conversation with her, like why, Is there a problem, too much dessert is just an excuse, if you've had too much, surely you'd wanna burn it off, or she could always please you in other ways... so there's definitely something else underlying..could there be someone else, don't know... but carry on being nice, try the romantic angle, be more flirtatious, see how that works, but do give it some time, if it carries on..then mate, she ain't the one, have the conversation, don't waste your life away... I mean, if it's not sorted, you'll probably end up cheating

It’s her. Nothing to apologize for.

You did nothing wrong except following her wishes. Good luck and buy her flowers.

Updateme

I’m a married woman myself & all I can say is her reaction was straight up uncalled for if everything happened the way you said it did.

It sounds like you did everything right and handled it all well & she was just …. Immature and disagreeable for 0 logical reason.

This is projection. She’s probably feeling insecure about her appearance and maybe feeling pressure regarding sex. Her overwhelm is coming out as irritation towards you. You didn’t do anything wrong. She is battling things internally and doesn’t know how to fully work through everything yet. So it comes out in instances like what you wrote. This of course goes way deeper than just this short comment. Just know it’s not You.

Guys, GUYS! The rest of the commenters are correct saying it is her problem that she’s upset, that’s true. But if we could take one second to view it from her pov: she acknowledged that it’s been a long time, meaning she’s aware she’s slacking in the bedroom department. She agreed to sex when she felt like it, and didn’t feel like it hours later after eating dinner AND desert, that’s REASONABLE!! Personally, I will not agree to sex in X amount of hours because there is no telling whether I will want it then.

She probably felt like OP was being understanding and kind to her while she rejected OP’s advances after agreeing previously, and that made her happy… Up until that comment about “reading the room” was made. I think we all know that it wasn’t OP’s intention to upset her! However, she already acknowledged that the bedroom situation wasn’t great, and OP (I know he didn’t mean it this way) basically sarcastically told her he expected this to happen. She knows and is likely ashamed she hasn’t been able to be there sexually for OP lately, and the comment made that even worse

Please allow me to translate what that meant to her in woman: OP basically made a stab at the fact she doesn’t want to have sex often. OP made a stab at the lack of intimacy. OP insinuated he was used the to disappointment. It could also hint that OP never believed she would want sex at all that day.

Now, I know OP didn’t say all of this, but it’s so easy to think that way when your self esteem is so low, as stated in the post & she said so herself. It’s called “cognitive distortions” or distorted thinking, which are essentially biased thought patterns that may make people view reality in an inaccurate way.

Try replacing “I can read the room” with “I figured that much.” While I know that’s not exactly what OP said, that’s most likely how it was interpreted by her. Dead bedroom issues aside, she felt like it was a stab made at her. I don’t know all their relationship issues, but I would like to at least try to show OP how the comment could’ve made her feel. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was downvoted for this one! We’ll see!

I'm guessing sex has been an issue for a while and causes some state of anxiety for her? Hence the very over dramatic response to you attempting sex.

My recommendation would be to communicate with her that when she wants sex, that she needs to initiate/let you know. Otherwise, you avoid initiating completely.

Then you up the attempts at connection, particularly physical affection. Try and reduce things that stress her out, maybe go on a few 'dates'.

I hope it helps, you're doing a great job. Especially not falling into the trap of throwing a tantrum when she rejects you, there's nothing less arousing! You are clearly very patient and loving.

It sounds like something is going on with her and her self-esteem and maybe her ability to connect with herself as a sexual being. This may be a place for individual therapy.

She at least does recognize that it's been a while since you two had sex. BUT, I'm guessing your comment about "I can read the room" definitely hit wrong, more like a jab. As the one commenter put it, it's more like "I figured as much." Like you expected this to happen: for her to agree to sex and then decide she wasn't interested.

And that made her feel a lot of big feelings that she, obviously, doesn't know how to manage. There's probably a good amount of guilt there because she does know it's been a while.

Right now, communication is the issue you two need to be working on. You're talking past each other.

You're doing all the bending, she's doing all the controlling....

What the heck did you even do? I would ask her specifically when things cool down because from my viewpoint I see a kind and understanding husband who is making this difficult situation better by bringing in lighthearted jokes and sweet gestures.

So confused here, man 🤷‍♀️😫

Stop apologizing and getting caught up in her emotions. You should only apologize when you do something that needs apologizing for. Don't apologize because she feels a certain way or takes something a certain way that isn't offensive at all. If she isn't in the mood, tell her that is fine and go do something else like walking the dog.

You can let her feel whatever emotion she wants without agreeing with it or apologizing for it.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have apologized. Only apologize for something you did wrong. My wife hates my stubbornness about this, but she respects and loves it in a way bc she knows that when I apologize that I truly mean it, and I'm sincere. I'm not going to go along to get along.

As other responders mentioned, my wife can't kick me out my bed, bc it's our bed and belongings. I'll talk when she's ready but she'd be the one apologizing. I'll listen to her reasoning and seek to understand, but don't apologize. If she misunderstood you, that's her fault for not addressing it and asking clarifying questions.

I think she owes you an apology. What the hell?

And what did you do wrong? I have absolutely no idea unless she miss heard something and if that’s the case she should have given a chance to clarify. Good luck 🍀

You aren’t the one that messed up. She told you how she feels. But that isn’t about you. She feels bad. She feels ugly. Wait till she calms down.

You have both to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. It’s all her.

You did nothing wrong.

This sounds grim. You've been a great partner, and I don't know what her damage is. Sorry.

I don’t really have any advice OP because I can’t see what you did wrong. Sounds like there’s a real disconnect here, she must be hearing something entirely different or assuming that you are inferring something else. Honestly I don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m sorry.

FFS. Sheesh.

Okay, so MAYBE I can help here. Please no one kill me. It sounds like your wife is not communicating properly with you. She may have said she didn’t want to talk to you, but in my mind, the fact that she came and got you from the couch tells me that she still very much wanted to be close to you. You are listening to her words and maybe not enough to her body language? She is feeling unwanted. So she may SAY she doesn’t want to, but she may want to still feel pursued by you. I know in this community we tend to vote when the whole idea of consent is not given, however I feel at my most desired when my husband grabs at me while I’m washing the dishes or just watching tv. Something stupid like that. She even communicates that she’s felt unattractive lately due to her acne. So she’s probably been feeling less desirable. I almost bet had you of rolled over and tried to initiate at any point in the night, she would not have stopped you. But I could be reading this completely wrong. I am also the type of person that 9/10 desire my husband. I constantly touch him, rub or just caress him because I crave touch so bad.

You didn’t deserve any of that

I don’t think even your wife knows what you did wrong here..

You did nothing wrong, she’s acting ridiculous.

There is nothing more of a turnoff than a partner with the emotional range of a toddler. If my husband acted like that I wouldn’t want to ever have sex with him lol

She needs to go to therapy

Updateme

This is not a good relationship. This one reaction, if typical, is definitely pause for concern. I hope you are at least able to express your feelings and do not feel like you need to walk on egg shells in your marital home. This is sad.

She overreacted.

To make it easy for you to understand, she was feeling guilty that she promised sex and was receptive to it but then she was no longer in the mood. She built up a scenario in her head making you out to be the bad guy to appease her own guilt. When you failed to be the bad guy, she projected and lashed out at you, to again, make you out to be the bad guy. She may have done this consciously or subconsciously.

You did nothing wrong. You are in a dead bedroom. Do with this information as you will.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Wife seems very sensitive right now. I think an open discussion is needed here. Tell her exactly what you told us here, you’re just trying to respect her boundaries and show her you love her despite lack of sex. Hopefully you two can work this out. Best of luck

You apologise too much bud, read NO more Mr nice guy

https://youtu.be/ojgUuCXvlMI?si=2ydFKYFfCcY8RvJ_

She doesn't feel confident in her appearance and you reply with an apology.

Next morning, make her breakfast, tell her you love her and see where it goes from there.

Time for you to stand up for yourself. She obviously is dealing with some issues, we all are for that matter. It appears this night the issue was her and she should have left the room if she had a problem. Next time this happens, and it will, you need to tell she is free to leave the room otherwise you will be going to sleep in the shared bed.

One way or another, yall weren’t gonna have sex. Sheesh

I would consider myself a very sensitive wife. But even I can’t see anything you said even slightly wrong here. So in my mind, there are two possibilities. 1. She misheard what you said, and whatever she thinks you said, offended her. Which could explain the statement about her acne out of seemingly nowhere. 2. She is or was feeling a bit guilty about turning sex down again, feeling guilt for not being up for sex as much lately, And you saying you can “read the room” made her feel a bit more of that guilt (obviously no fault of yours). This would explain the statement about her acne.

I don’t even know what you did wrong? You leaving something out? Ask your wife

Don’t let her kick you out of the bedroom. That’s dumb. It’s a shared room, not just hers.

Your issue is a lack of respect from your partner. Getting it back will be hard and it will make her feel bad as she loses the control she once had. But dude you can’t be living like this.

I don’t understand what you did wrong? She just seems sad and unhappy with her self I don’t think it has anything to do with you personally.. from what you wrote.

Men really suffer in relationships because what is this shit? You’ve been patient by not pestering her for sex, you guys finally decide to have sex then she rejects you, fine you accept stating that you could understand why only for her to throw a tantrum over acne? It’s really a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Then tomorrow she’d file for divorce stating unhappiness & falling out of love as her reasons then everyone will think the husband was at fault and failed to do right by her. Smh At 27 you’re still very young and it sounds like there are no kids involved, file for divorce and move on with your life. You’re too young to be dealing with this bs, there are women out there that will gladly be ready to fulfil the roles of a woman, wife and mother without putting you through rubbish like this. Wishing you the best!

You didn’t do anything wrong (honestly, you’ve done literally everything right). That being said, regardless of her telling you she was too full, I think she wanted you to fight for it a bit, if that makes sense? As a woman, I can understand feeling insecure and ugly and then a small comment gets taken the wrong way and I feel even less desirable than I already did. Let her have her time to calm down and then sit down and talk. Seems like there might be even more going on than she’s letting on

This obviously is a her issue. It’s not about you. Dont overthink it.

As a very sensitive woman, I don’t even know what you did wrong like another said already. I’m completely clueless but it doesn’t sound like you actually did anything

Updateme

I congratulate you on your patience and loving kindness, those are always the right things to be even if you have unpleasant things to convey. What is revealed in your post looks like your wife has some issues with those two qualities in her own conduct. This may be a matter best left to couples counseling, a step that might be helpful, though based on what you've shared she might be resistant. Everybody benefits from coaching, no matter how in command we might think we are, there is always a way to learn more and be better. That might be an approach that your wife would respond to, especially if you pointed out the even Tom Brady always had coaches.

Don't apologize when you did nothing wrong. Give each other space. Don't talk about it while emotions are high, but try to formulate your response using what you wrote here as a guide.

Can’t see what your crime was 🤷‍♀️

Advice from a married woman: go for sex before everything else. Dinners and desserts bring on the food coma, feeling too full and sex turns into a chore.

It almost seems like she's looking for reasons to not have sex with you.

When you made your read the room comment, it kinda sounds like she made an intentional decision to take it up the wrong way as an excuse to be offended.

Being creating a hostile atmosphere she has just bought herself some breathing room, and can now bring this up any time you try to intiate intimacy going forward; "You just made me feel so ugly last time" "I just can't get that comment you made out of my head" "Sorry but I just don't feel sexy after the last time".

For the sake of your relationship, I hope I'm totally wrong. Try talking to her about all of this. Tell her you'd like to understand exactly what it was you said that upset her so you can learn from it and not do it again. If that doesn't actively improve the situation, you both might need therapy.

What the hell? Why is she even mad?

Maybe she has some internal insecurity thing going on, and accidentally took it out on you? Doesn’t make it ok though. She should communicate with you what’s really going on

Dig deeper. My guess is her not feeling sexy is a key thing. Acne comment had me 🤔. I’ve had serious illness this last year and lost 30 lbs and feel so disgusting. No matter how much my husband makes me feel pretty still I don’t believe him and being so thin now and having had a colostomy bag for six months (gone now) it’s just a lot sometimes to be intimate.

Get divorce.

It’s all Her.

But don’t die on that hill because would only lead to another fight.

She’s got some self care issues not being worked on.

I dont think Ive ever heard the phrase “read the room” used in a positive way. Maybe she picked up on the passive agression?

Im going to say that this is just a simple case of PMS as a female, and that people are reading into this too much, but like, wtf happened to having civilized sit-down calm conversations?

Huh…..I don’t get it, what did you exactly? She sounds mental 🥴🤣🤣🤣

You guys are waaaaay too young to be having these problems with sex. If you let her get used to just going to sleep then that’s what she will do. If you allow her to continue to get away with this it’s going to go bad for you! Your sex is tied to her n it’s not fair at all for her to withhold it. If you were to suggest opening your marriage she’d be mad likewise withholding from you is betrayal to you. I’d explain to her you need sex and if it’s not going to be from her then what? Divorce open marriage cheating? What good thing is going to come from her withholding sex from you?

Yeah, I hear you’re frustrations man, I do, I think you where you went wrong is you stated the obvious and that wasn’t tactful at all. If the goal is to have sex, then everything you say needs to be in line with that goal and saying what you said has probably gotten no man on earth that objective.

I would recommend reading the book, “Come As You Are” by Dr. Emily something, it’s a phenomenal book written for women by a women about women’s sexually. The summary is that women’s sex drives are contextually based while men’s sex drives are more spontaneous. So the key is changing the context for her so you’re hitting all her “accelerators” while not hitting any of her “breaks”. The book goes much more in depth and it’ll probably help you out tremendously.

Also, “The Way of the Superior Man” was a game changer for me, probably saved my marriage tbh… it sounds super misogynistic but it’s really not, it clarifies how men and women think (for it is very different between the two) and how to break through those stickier moments rather quickly that you seem to have gotten yourself in.

Best of luck brother 💯

Where do I find a man like this 😭

Getting back to the original question from OP: Has anyone had this happen to you before??

I can absolutely answer that with a “Yes! Yes I have had that experience — but not as someone in OP’s shoes. I was the wife! It was I who was the person who got upset out of thin air! I had very similar reasons to what OP’s Wife seemed to articulate.

Every person is different but what I can tell you is what went through my head that night.

I had had an overly filling meal (just not with dessert). I was feeling a bit discouraged because I personally felt fat & ugly. Numerous times throughout the day I criticized myself. (My complexion was ugly. My legs were too big. I had gained weight and even after dieting I had lost just a pound or so. It felt daunting.) All that negative self talk contributed to me being mad that I’d eaten a full dinner instead of pushing back from the table still hungry.

Then - when Husband told me he loved me - I felt unworthy & quite angry at myself! I just took it out on him because he’s SAFE. He wasn’t going to judge me for venting. He almost always lets things roll off his back and is generally very easy-going. He is a great guy & I knew it was wrong of me to pout and alienate him, but I needed an outlet & unfortunately he was the closest.

I was rude and fussy until the next day and couldn’t even apologize for my behavior until the 2nd day after.

So IF OP’s wife is anything like me, this could possibly explain some of her behavior. It’s something you might keep in mind when talking to your wife later on. I know that I rarely vent like that anymore but I still do it once in a while. These days he tells me that I need to take my stress out on something else! I’m a good “Pavlov’s Dog” and when he says that I realize I’m being a spoiled brat and am better able to let go of how cranky I was.

I think that for whatever reason your wife is going through something and doesn’t know how to communicate what she is feeling. Maybe she doesn’t feel safe sharing it, maybe she is uncomfortable with her own thoughts. If I were feeling either of those things, I would probably like some reassurance that I am loved, that we can talk through anything and that I am important to my partner. We can’t read each other’s mind (unfortunately) so all we can do is keep the communication open and loving. Also, therapy.

I’m confused as a woman reading this 😵‍💫

Upset because maybe saying you know dessert was big and you can read the room made her feel big and unattractive.

She's acting weird. Maybe cheating.

Updateme

Updateme

You told her she hadabig dessert. She then mentioned acne.... maybe she felt insecure about overeating sugary food?

Just stop trying and wait for her to do something. See how long it takes. Don’t even bring it up. Just stop cold turkey and wait

Wives have a hard time with accountability when it’s surrounds the subject of sex. You have to do everything right to get them in the mood. I think it’s a hormonal thing. Every woman is different and you need to learn your wife’s ways.

I messaged you. I’m deep into trauma recovery myself with my husband. You need to look at all your marital conflict from a trauma recovery lens and Reddit is clueless on that.

It's not you.. that's definitely her either insecurities or infidelity 🤷🏾‍♀️ but it's not you that's her!

"Women"

This is usually going to be the answer to the question. My guess is the "read the room" comment made her feel upset, because it made her feel like you can read her very easy, and that she is displaying very clearly when she's not wanting sex. When a woman doesn't want sex, it's either because she's not feeling sexy, or she feels stressed (just like you mentioned), neither of which a woman wants her partner to see on her.

I'm not saying it's a rational response, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, how often do we get rationality from women? I think the sooner a man accepts that a woman's mind works much differently than his (some good, some bad), the easier a time he has to deal with them.

You said “you can read the room” I BET she took that as - you took one look at her and said nope because her hair was not cute and she had acne coming in and she was a little bloated from dinner and that you obviously didn’t want to have sex with her because you took one look at her and said uhh nope. She knows the typical man in you where when she says some excuse that’s when you slide closer and “talk her into it” however you do ya know. The simple fact that you didn’t do that next step to shut down her no - and grab her and make her feel alive where she can’t say no because that’s the spark. That didn’t happen. So yeah she’s probably going crazy in her head wondering why you didn’t push her to actually feel sexy and shut her busy mind up. ⬆️ Does she do that for you? You say naaahhh because you think she don’t want to but then she grabs you and boom magic.

ALL MEN:: hey if you want to get laid , work on your lady all day. PDA , lots of grabbing , lots of sneaky kinda funny but oooo DAYMN moments - ALL DAY. If you wanna get laid you have to understand that women are NOT light switches. We need the long game if you want a good rock and roll. While she’s doing dishes play with her in whatever way you imagine that will work without being too overbearing or slow roll into it next thing you know pantoes are dropped and she’s hugging the sink or something. Men … you really gotta work a woman into it. Yeah we can get on it at near command but that’s only because men wait until it’s super late , your full , and drained from the day and had nothing touch you to actually get you in that kind of mood at all. It’s awful. Sex is boring. Sex is lame. Men get the BEST end of the stick every single fkn time and it’s RUDE and not aight

Also being before her period that’s exactly when she NEEDS you to grab her tell her to shut up and love the living daylights out of all inches of her body. Men always cum. Women rarely do. Women usually aren’t in the mood because the man doesn’t touch her allllll day yet wants her to be down to f in mere minutes AT THE END OF THE DAY. Like lol yeah buddy sure let me ride you so you quickly cum so you can go to sleep and leave me alone because you did nothing for my own spark today. You’ve been with your wife this long.. She needs to have a true talk with you about her wants needs and desires and fantasies that could help with the amount of sec yall have , yalls connection would be way better , more laughter , more rando fun, good stuff all around. Iv been with my so since 2011. We had that talk. Ish gets boring and things change. Never forget that you will NEVER stop growing and maturing too. Don’t look at chicks asses and tits when they walk by. Stop following trash on socials. Block it allllllll. You will indeed respect your wife more when you stop objectifying women. That always helps marriages actually last. This time is usually when divorces grow their roots. The woman isn’t getting off proper and doesn’t feel like you think she’s sexy. You aren’t being the “man” and telling her (kindly lol) shit up and get nakked let me f ya in this kinky spot that’ll empower you yet freak you out in a safe way lol You’ve got to turn the fire up that way it makes her want to match it. Turn it into a competition and boom. You’re welcome lol.

TLDR : your wife thought she looked fat and awful -your wife needed you to be the man that makes her feel confident even at her worst and you said all the wrong things lol. You know your wife. You triggered a comment with food and with brushing it off as a no go I’m thinking you usually push for a yes even after a couple nos so you giving up was confirmation of her self hatred. I am assuming I can totally be wrong on that obvs but typical man standards married a long time etc that’s how it goes lol I’m 2011 with our relationship/marriage. So most of these other peoples comments definitely have me thinking they haven’t been married long or aren’t really serious and probably shouldn’t comment lol ya know. 💎😂 Grow up and TALK TO EACHOTHER NO HOLDS BAR

She’s probably about to start her period and is sensitive.

Are you sure she’s not having an affair?

I’d start getting my ducks in a row just in case. A lot of times women who are having affairs won’t have sex with their husband and will engineer a reason to justify it. Even if that isn’t the case, she’s showing total disregard for your feelings. Updateme

Woman here and I don’t understand why she’s upset. Is she upset because you aren’t upset she’s withholding sex? My ex used to withhold sex and affection as power and control moves. I’ve never been with anyone else who did that tho so I don’t know how common that is.

I would have got the suitcases out and put it in the bedroom. Time to leave a message that she understands!!!

She didn’t want to have sex and concocted the scene as a pretext to refuse you.

Dude!!!!!

Her perception, or the facade she is presenting, is that you guys have a reasonable amount of sex, but occasionally things come up and it doesn’t happen. She either actually believes this herself or knows it isn’t the case, but thinks/wants you to perceive it this way. Your passive/aggressive comment (yes I think you were irritated and didn’t want to overtly call her out, so you made a “nice” comment that still let her know) did exactly what you wanted- it struck a nerve. Her reaction was definitely over the top, but it shows a lot of shame on her part. You called her out, and she felt it. But it was done the wrong way. Sit her ass down and demand an answer or at least a productive conversation. Demand she work on this. And don’t let her throw you out of the bedroom. Right now, she has the perception that you’re gonna deal with endless rejection and her sexual hang ups. If I felt like I could push my husband around like that, it wouldn’t be attractive and I wouldn’t feel the need to work on giving him what he needs.

She certainly wears the pants in this relationship. That's equally on you.

Man you are seriously whipped. Your apology was for nothing. She is making you walk on egg shells and you are saying sorry for it. At least stand up for your self a little. You said no one wants a sulking person well they also don’t want a pushover. Keep this up and she will loose what respect she has for you.

Stop accepting excuses. Sure my wife is ‘allowed’ to say no. I just stopped accepting excuses. No is an answer. I don’t need her to pick one from the Rolodex of bullshit, or sometimes real, excuses. Because then I’m forced to act like I believe it, and it kind of pisses me off to be lied to.

Only someone with a very guilty conscience would react like that. Her reaction was way, way over the top and very defensive for your comnent. You said absolutely nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. You may need to do some independent investigation on her to see what she's actually up to as i suspect that something is going on behind the scenes that you know nothing about. The results will probably provide the answer to her over the top, overly defensive reaction to a very simple, innocuous statement you made. 

I don't leave my bed, sorry but if you can't be an adult pack your crap on the way out of my room. I live in an almost intimacy free relationship, and it sucks. Think I'm going out of my way for your bs when you refuse to meet my basic needs for several years. Not going to happen. F that. It is almost like their mothers program them to sink the hook with their legs open then clamp them shut for good.

You depend to much on her validation and do not dare to be dominant. Women like men that (seem to) get what they want.

Doing the dishes is not sexy, saying sorry for not doing anything wrong isn't either. Your reality should not evolve around her feelings, she needs you to be strong and tell her what's good. Tell a story without an end, make promises that are unclear, show that you are hiding something, don't resolve everything just because she asks for it. Delay the validation.

Don't be sweet like a fucking dessert...

Be sure and lead. Let her be submissive not passive in the way you enjoy it. Have a plan and hold the tension. Let her please you and resist pleasing her.

Hope you are not triggered and that you understand that I am genuinely trying to help because that's what works for me. Good luck.

I think it’s about that time to see if she is really on some BS (potential infidelity) cause she made NO sense.

You and your wife have irreconcilable differences.

If 3-4 MC don’t show a clear path, face facts.

Did she mishear you? What does she think k “ I can read the room” means? Sounds like she thinks it means something differ than it means.

I was in this situation in my first marriage. I got us in couples therapy. I surprised her with lingerie, exquisite homemade meals, Coach purses, and date nights. Every time she would flirt and sometimes she even promised that we would have sex and if we did she would starfish through it. This continued until I caught her sexting some other guy.

I was a doormat and she used me for her personal gain. Carefully examine if you want a manipulative sexless marriage because that's what I had right up until she cheated.

Wow this sounds like one of the horrible things I’ve heard how dare you what a great partner! How could you do all those caring things !

How can you show you self on my Reddit thread Those horrible nice gestures Don’t forget the caring thoughts even after kicking out the room damn it !

Don’t get me started the dishes are even fucking clean 🧼 Next thing you know his trying to clean my nasty thoughts how dare you try to make me feel better !

I’m so appalled you need to go to prison for that I feel sick

Guilty projection

See what is really going on because she is feeling some type of way.!

She's stressed, sensitive, etc. An acne breakout sounds like it could be stress related. Might not be possible or affordable but a vacation or weekend for two at a beach house, mountain cabin, spa resort. Somewhere for two. No sex pressure. Handholding, fun, laughter. Reconnect. My husband and I could afford an annual vacation to get away and relax. It really helped us to reconnect.

Women who are like this frequently are toxic and divorceable. Women who are like this one or two days a month, however, are pretty normal. You don't get to complain, though, she's having to put up with a lot more than you.