What would you do if you were me?

Seeking Advice

My husband (26) of 3 years, makes more messes than me.

I have contamination OCD. so our kitchen cant be messy for me to eat out of it, i am repulsed by ANY hair (we have 2 dogs) and clutter overwhelms me.

The dogs are 100% my husbands responsibility. I do not like animals and esp. not their hair. I have also told my husband that i will be responsible for the dishes, IF he rinses his plates and things he cooks with (i have ARFID and am audhd so we eat wildly different things and i cant stand gross textures.)

He knows the stipulations and he chooses not to listen. He'll leave grease all over the stove, pile up his dishes, etc. It gets really overwhelming, to the point of me not being able to leave my room because the rest of the house smells so awful bc he wont be responsible for himself. (yes, i am aware this is not good behaviors/coping on my part. we are working on it.)

My husband took the day off today to help get ready for a trip we have coming up this weekend. (cleaning to avoid any smells while gone). He PROMISED me that he would do the dishes and just do a pick up. (it was a 6 hour class).

I get home and nothing js done. I cant eat. Im sore. Im overwhelmed because its so bad. I dont know how to fix it. Hes promised he would fix things so many times. And im always disappointed. He has never, ever followed through. Even tho for my 20th, and 21st birthdays AND all 3 valentines days ive asked for is a clean house. (im 21)

Idk what to do. I maintain things just fine when he does his part but he wont be consistent.

He is a good husband. Acts of service is not his forte. But hes very very attentive and sweet, just isnt the best on following through with promise he makes me.

in Marriageby Traditional_Brief575

45%

25d

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Lilly_Rose_Kay

25d

I have similar issues as you that go along with my autism. The best advice I can offer is what my therapists have taught me over the years, desensitize yourself. Push yourself to deal with the dirty gross stuff. Force yourself to eat new foods, cooked different ways, and repeat them regularly. And one of the most important thing is to stay on your medication and if need to, have the doctor tweak the dosage or try an alternative.

You can't live your life in a sterile environment or expect others around you to cater to your expectations and wants. Your expectations for a home that is free from pet hair and a spotless kitchen will never be accomplished. Unless you you have a pet free home or have a dog breed that doesn't shed, expect pet hair. Unless you clean the kitchen to your standards, expect a kitchen to someone else's standards.

Cleaning isn't your husband's strong quality, but he may be better at other things that he can contribute with like home maintenance and yard work. He can help by not cooking. Learn to make food you both can enjoy so you don't have to make 2 separate meals as often. You guys can do the dishes together. He rinses, you wash or load the dishwasher. You can switch to paper plates even. Get the dogs groomed every 2 weeks. There are dog breeds that don't shed that could be replacements for when the others pass away if he still wants pets.

I do highly suggest you talk with your doctor about therapy and medication to help you. You are not coping well and this will strain your relationship.

Traditional_Brief575

25d

The only person i expect to be accommodating is my husband, though. and i dont feel like it's a big ask.

I feel like im accomodating for him. I will cook things that he eats. he enjoys cooking and spice. In the winter, i was making chili literally 1x a week (he loves chili), but i dont eat it, especially with the level of spice he likes.

He doesn't need to sterilize it, but just get it to a level that i can tolerate, and then I will sterilize from there. We live in an apartment so there is no outdoor maitenance.

For example of just grossness i dont feel like i have to tolerate- Hes been taking my car to work lately. We deep cleaned the car (together) yesterday (which probably didnt help my mood for the day) and under the seat I FOUND A WHOLE MOLDY CHICKEN BONE. In MY space. Not from me. It just feels disrespectful.

Am_I_the_Villan

10 Years

25d

The only person i expect to be accommodating is my husband, though. and i dont feel like it's a big ask.

It's not a big ask. That's normal.