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I promised myself a LONG time ago, that IF I ever got to the point that I lost the will to live, for whatever reason, I would first: Go on a vacation. Go skydiving, one more time, and this time SOLO instead of tandem. Get LOTS of massages. Eat whatever I wanted, instead of remaining frugal, though being a VERY frugal person, THAT itself would do me in!š
You're turning 50, so sounds a tiny bit like a mid-life crisis, along with depression. (I won't debate) I'll be 65 VERY soon. You also mentioned in one of your comments that you were filled with anger. Well, anger, unexpressed, can quickly turn into depression. Go to one of those places where you can break a bunch of bottles and dishes, or whatever.
Well, I hope that being an intelligent person, as you sound like you are, you will realize that we ALL have only ONE life to live, so while we are STILL alive and breathing, there are plenty to still enjoy. Especially the simple things. (I LOVE animals and could watch squirrels and birds ALL day, if I could.)
I would add to that, 3.5 grams of magic mushrooms.
Okay, I will keep that in mind;)