Every time I express how I feel about my hair he undermines it and says “well it’s just hair and you still have some.” And he just doesn’t understand how it’s a problem and like the emotional depth of hair loss. Also, he’s going through a lot right now with life and everything so to him it’s like such a minuscule and superficial thing to even worry about. It makes me feel so alone and misunderstood. If any of you can relate, how do you cope and did you give up on trying to have them understand?
Does anybody else’s partner/boyfriend not understand how devastating female hair loss is?
Support/AdviceThank you❤️
My fiance didn't understand the extent of it at first because he's also balding, but after a lot of discussions about how much of a woman's identity is tied to her hair and him seeing how it's affecting me, he gets it now. Maybe not fully, I don't think he could ever fully understand without experiencing it as a woman. But the day I noticed I was showing some growth from my meds, I showed him and he was almost more excited than I was! We were literally jumping up and down in the bathroom together
I don't even think my identity is tied to it per say... I just know that women who lose tokens of their femininity, like hair, their figure, etc. are completely devalued and ignored in a hetero male dominated society, and this goes for more than sex and romance. Good luck advancing at work if your male peers don't enjoy looking at you. Doesn't matter if you're the best candidate for the job. Random strangers will let doors slam shut in your face and walk into you in the street like you're literally invisible if they don't want to fuck you, and therefore have reason to impress you (with basic civility and consideration, because the bar for men is LOW.)
Meanwhile, a balding or fat man is still respected for his value outside of his appearance, and his prospects are barely limited by failing to meet stereotypical standards for male beauty. It's that simple. It's a man's world where women are still reduced to their looks, youth and sexuality, and thick luscious hair is an essential part of that package.
That's what makes me cry daily. That I became invisible and unvalued.
That being said, I have a loving partner who tells me I'm gorgeous and that he would and will still love me when I'm completely bald, and who doesn't tell me I'm being shallow or it's no big deal when I'm sad about it (like many other people have.)
Aw that’s good that sounds so cute lol I’m glad he celebrates with you and thank you for your response❤️ also congrats on new growth!
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1mo
Even my mom and sister don’t understand and think I focus on it too much and worry about the wrong things so it’s basically everyone for me too. I’m sorry 😞 maybe they’ll understand one day but at least we have each other for now
Same here.
I think this can be quite complex, and it's not necessarily a case of either person being entirely right or entirely wrong. It sounds like it's bad timing for both of you right now.
Hair loss is awful and it does a number on our sense of identity and where we draw confidence from. There are also other issues in life that are more urgent and life-impacting. Both things can be true.
In a relationship, you are supposed to have each other's back. Sometimes one person may need a bit more support than the other. It's also important for us to develop the skills to validate and affirm ourselves, because there are going to be moments where we will need to tackle stress or mental distress solo. When hair loss is disrupting our daily routines because we can't get out of bed or we're afraid to go out, then it's time to try and address that.
Think about how a hospital emergency department triages cases that come in: the person with a life-threatening injury is going to be seen before the person with a fractured arm. It isn't that the hospital staff care or value the person with the fracture less, it's about sorting problems according to what resources they have available.
Giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, it may not be that he doesn't understand or care about what what you're going through. Depending on what else he's dealing with, it may just be lower on his list of priorities right now because he's got limited bandwidth - so for the time being his main concern is probably that you're otherwise healthy and safe.
I hope happier times are coming for you guys, and that you can find a way out of this together ❤
Thank you❤️
My hubby doesn’t get it. He’s bald but is very handsome with or without hair. He’s always been supportive about it, but definitely doesn’t understand the impact it has on me, as a woman.
not saying that men can’t feel insecure or sad about their own balding – but it’s definitely just different than a woman’s balding. our hair hold so much of our identities and the beauty standards for women are brutal. not my partner but my dad. when i first diagnosed with aga i straight up cried for a good 4 hours and he was like you’re crying for a fucking stupid thing. i’m sorry your partner isn’t more understanding about it. hope happiness and healing come to your way. 🌷🌸
Aw I’m sorry for you too and thank you❤️
My partner initially had a hard time understanding my hair worries. His own hair is super thick, so he doesn't know how it feels to be losing it in the first place - and then he couldn't even tell I'm going through TE because I just panicked and chopped most of my hair off lol. After the cut, it was objectively hard to tell whether I look like a wet rat because the hair is short (it wasn't very flattering for my face shape), or because there is not enough of it.
He earnestly asked me why I no longer wanted to grow out my hair. He couldn't see any thinning (which makes me think love really is blind).
I explained that the loss was no joke, that long hair made for huge clumps every time I showered and that the size of those clumps alone was enough to send me on the verge of pure uncontrollable panic... And I guess he just felt the depth of my emotions at that moment, because he's been very supportive ever since. He hears me out when I'm frustrated and is completely understanding about the time and effort I spend on my hair.
Now that I seem to have gotten through TE and am trying to actively manage my AGA before it gets worse, he's sharing my excitement over baby hairs.
It might be genuinely hard for your partner to grasp your struggle, but I'm sure that's partly because he loves you and sees your beauty no matter what. I hope you can get through to him after all, and in the meantime, I'm sending you hugs and support.
Yeah you must be right thank you .. he says he doesn’t notice any thinning and I’m just like how? It’s way thinner even from 6 months ago let alone 2 years ago when we started dating. I’m happy for you that your partner understands and good luck with the rest of your hair journey❤️
My husband has the best intentions, he always tells me “you still have hair”, or “your hair has improved” (I think it has, but not in terms of density, more like it’s better hydrated since I’ve been using hair masks and etc). He himself has hair loss, but he accepts his. For guys it’s different. I try to explain how for women it’s different, how like “female culture” so to speak, values hair A LOT (too much IMO), how other women are always very judgmental of others’ hair, something guys just tend not to do. I always had thin and fine hair, even before hair loss, and I remember other girls making comments about my hair as early as elementary school. Some women nowadays still do, at work and all. I stopped going to the hair salon due to the same. But it’s usually in women only circles, so he’s never witnessed it, he doesn’t get how devastating it is.
But he loves me and supports me, he listens to me and lets me cry it out, though he also gives me tough love e.g. “don’t suffer over this, your hair is pretty and you’re beautiful, so stop complaining”. Sigh. I just wish I could stop feeling so sad and without confidence.
My husband doesn’t understand 😭 and he wants me to have long hair and doesn’t let me cut it to a shorter length that would make my hair look at least less stringy at the ends💔
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Sorry he’s not really able to grasp how this affects you. His response seems very typically ‘male’ lol. Some people just see it so completely differently than us, so they’re not able to sympathise very well. Thankfully my partner is super understanding. My dad, however, has no idea what is going on or how to react. He actually reacts pretty badly.
In a sense, it’s nice that your boyfriend isn’t phased by your hair issue. On the other hand, it would be nice for him to listen to your concerns, listen to you explain how it affects you and makes you feel, and validate how much this fucking sucks.
Maybe just tell him that, you want to vent about your hair and you want him to agree how shitty this experience is and give you some comfort.