Tw: SA reference
I started doing EMDR few months ago bc I was noticing the symptoms of my PTSD impacting my life and my close relationships poorly. For context, I’ve been sexually assaulted twice, once as a child and once as a teen (I’m in my 20’s now). I’m also dating this guy who is very kind and full of love but just doesn’t understand trauma at all for some reason which has made this whole thing incredibly challenging. Starting the EMDR was hard because everything had been blocked out for so long, but now I feel almost flooded with fear almost all the time. Sleep has been more challenging, but more than anything I feel this deep deep fear of men. I told my boyfriend multiple times about what I’ve been going through and how my sessions work, and even though I explained that I’m basically reliving my trauma everyday he doesn’t understand anything I tell him and just says that I’ve been meaner since I started going. Obviously I’ve been meaner it is a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning so being nice isn’t exactly a priority of mine. He also doesn’t understand when I sometimes don’t want to be touched or when I don’t want to be physically intimate. Physical intimacy is important to him and when I explain that it often trggers my trauma he says he understands but I can tell he gets upset by it and doesn’t really understand, that he’s just saying that so I don’t feel more uncomfortable.
His lack of empathy or comprehension of the situation just makes me feel more isolated and to make things worse, I have no idea how to tell other people about this. If I start to feel triggered by something throughout my day (say, at a family function or at work with my colleagues) I can’t just be transparent and say “oh yeah sorry I’m really struggling mentally because I’m doing this thing called EMDR where I relive my trauma for months at a time because I was sexually assaulted”. I’m aware of how sensitive I am to what would normally be regular stimuli but I can’t do anything about how sensitive I am and it makes everything so much harder. Dealing with issues outside of the PTSD such as family squabbles or navigating a relationship seem borderline impossible and although I’ve told my close family what happened none of them seem to understand what that does to a persons psyche so they just treat me like I’m crazy or unreasonable for feeling the way I do which makes it so much worse. I feel like I’m at war with myself all the time trying to figure out what to do because everything in my instinct is telling me to be in fear/self protection mode ode but everything outside of me is telling me there’s nothing to be afraid of. I almost want to check myself into a facility so I can have time to just feel my feelings but I don’t know if that would make things better or worse. I have no idea how to manage this, all of the coping mechanisms I learned before jumping into the actual EMDR just seem like ways to escape into my head to calm myself (I.e. the container method or the safe space practice) but I don’t want to escape in my head I just want to be present and process this fear because it feels like I need to feel it since it’s been shut away for so long. I don’t know what to do but would love advice from anyone who has gone through EMDR to process sexual assault and any tips/pointers you have that worked for you.