Fascinating Observation: Resurgence in childhood OCD symptoms when working on CSA

So we’ve recently started tackling the big trauma I’m in EMDR for: CSA. I have PTSD from CSA, but I also have complex trauma that we’ve been working on as well.

I’ve never been officially diagnosed with OCD, but several therapists I’ve seen have mentioned that as a possibility. While the only way OCD like symptoms show up for me now are in respect to obsessive thoughts, as a kid, I remember having to touch things equally in patterns, maintain symmetrical posture and frequently feeling like one side of my body was heavier than the other, and having to offset that by using the other side of my body more. Those symptoms subsided probably about 10 years ago around puberty. However, after diving into reprocessing the CSA, they’ve popped back up. Specifically, when I start to talk about the trauma or anything adjacent to it, I instantly start to feel like one side of my body is heavier than the other (seems to be no real significance to what side).

Anyway, I thought this was fascinating and just wanted to share! It can feel like an “itch” at times but really isn’t intolerable. If anyone has any insight onto why this is or the connection between that and trauma, I’d love to hear it!

in EMDRby alittletootired13

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1mo

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ISpyAnonymously

1mo

I've always been a big ruminator and had issues with looping thoughts and arguments in my head and intrusive thoughts, but last year when I tried to work on my csa in therapy using emdr it turned into severe ocd. It's all internal and only last week did I see a post about ocd that made me ask my therapist. Yep, severe diagnosis. Emdr completely retraumatized me (5 sessions before we quit) so I'm not surprised. And I can't seem to get any of the coping skills or emdr exercises like safety/ container to work. Even my therapist doesn't understand why nothing is working, although it's probably a mix of my autism, adhd, and ocd. So now he's got to work the ocd into the equation and reformulate my therapy plan. Trauma, especially csa which is so damaging mentally, physically, emotionally, and to attachments and development, causes all kinds of leftover debilitating symptoms.

lilithandkit

1mo

I also struggle a ton with rumination and looping thoughts. I've been in EMDR for multiple cases of CSA and honestly feel like recently it's making me worse. Can you tell me about how internal OCD symptoms showed up for you, I'm wondering if i might have the same?

ISpyAnonymously

1mo

So just like I said it's rumination and looping/spiraling thoughts that can last hours to days and go heavy into suicidal thoughts. Once I start, only several days of sleep gets me out of it. I'm constantly searching for articles, medical journal articles, psych websites, personal stories, Facebook groups, and reddit groups trying to "solve" my cptsd and find relief from all the big emotions I'm feeling. I have arguments in my head with myself, with my therapist, with my family members - all in my head. Like I'm trying to persuade them or prove my points.

The emdr I had just retraumatized me and opened my "wound." I was never in my window of tolerance and never had any coping skills to deal with it. I just relived the trauma for months. Therapist ended it at 5 sessions because I became too unstable and suicidal. My therapist assumed before we started that I had coping skills even though I didn't, and I thought I understood the questions he was asking me when I didn't. I found out later, I'm autistic with adhd and that's been part of the over-reaction/overwhelm to emdr and the miscommunication. And last week we made the OCD connection. I still can't get the typical emdr safety and container exercises to work after 9 months because my brain is too literal and just doesn't bend that way. I've got aphantasia too so visualizing is extremely difficult. I tried using my special interest as a safe/ calm place a month ago and the trauma thoughts and feelings tainted it.

I don't know what's left to try and my therapist keeps saying he's out of ideas and nothing is working. Maybe the OCD diagnosis will open a new path??

lyricallyambiguous

1mo

I've had a similar pattern with rumination and looping/spiraling suicidal thoughts and fixation on 'solving' and imaginary arguments with abusers etc.

EMDR seems to be starting to really help me with this. I've tried a ton of things that didn't work for me. I tried a year of EMDR with a therapist who did not know how to work with my dissociation and it did basically nothing for me. Now I'm with a therapist who does know how to work with my dissociation, and I seem to finally be feeling some progress (just finished session 8). Just want to mention that I was suicidal almost non-stop between the first 7 sessions and I truly did not know if I could continue with it, but it did eventually start to change when I persevered.

I don't have aphantasia, though the container exercise has never worked very well for me either.

ISpyAnonymously

1mo

So how did you get through the suicidal weeks?? Did you have other coping skills to fall back on?

My doctor wanted to hospitalize me but didn't and that's when my therapist pulled the plug. If 1-10 with 10 being action, I got to a 9.5. I'm still having a really really hard time with overwhelm and constant anxiety and overstimulation and SI now and it's been 9 months since we stopped. I'm also dealing with perimenopause, suspected Mast Cell Activation Syndrome which is physically making everything worse, and PMDD. I just saw my therapist today and we still haven't found any coping strategies that work.

lyricallyambiguous

1mo

Sheer grim determination, pretty much... there were days where all I could do was sit and journal "I want to die" on repeat. And to be clear, I am still going through it; the difference is just that I'm amazed to feel some stretches of peace, and a deeper conviction that I will actually be able to put it on the other side of me at some point, which I'd never previously felt.

My coping skills are walking a lot, yin yoga (free on yt... really helpful though ti was painful and uncomfortable to me at first) and journaling, mostly-- and doom scrolling and binge-eating on the unhealthy side.

That's a hard situation. I wasn't at a 9.5. Maybe a 9.2 or something, where I felt overwhelming constant hopelessness and an overwhelming urge to die, but was still constantly arguing with myself that it makes sense to at least stick it out and finish the number of sessions (in my case, 12-20) my therapist said would usually bring relief... My mentality has still been that if nothing changes within 6 months I would kill myself, but currently I don't think that is going to be necessary.

Another thing is that I have just started experimenting with trying an intensive. My hopelessness is generally much better over the last week but I've been having somatic reliving (a lot of painful muscle contortions and dissociation) every night when I try to sleep, and that is really hard to get through as well. I'm hoping that taking an intensive approach might help me get some of the trauma out of my body faster, but I'm not sure it will work.