Saw some info about my ex I really didn’t want to see…

Vent/Rant/FML

So long story short, my (30F) wife (30F) left me about a year ago after telling me she wasn’t in love with me anymore six months prior. She also wanted to “explore”. It’s been a long year but I am doing better. I still think about it a lot but it doesn’t have that same bite anymore.

Then today, I was turning on the Roku we had shared to play a YouTube video for my dogs while I went to work, and some streaming app that I guess was still attached to her email opened. It showed several profiles (her, her roommate, friend) and then a profile named “penis friend”. I … came to obvious conclusions about what this was. And it hit me like a train. Obviously I knew this was a distinct possibility, even likely. But I had been quite diligent of not checking her social or anything like that so I didn’t have to know for sure, and then of course I just stumbled into it.

It all just makes me feel so pathetic. Like I’m stuck on this, still not ready to date and uninterested in casual hookups. And she’s clearly moved on. There’s this quote from the movie Before Sunrise that goes, “You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like “‘Hey, I'm glad you're gone’” and I realized that is exactly what I was doing. I thought that this was a shared process and that even if she didn’t want to get back together, she at least missed me or that this was still painful for her. And that helped me cope. This shattered that. I still think of our life as so meaningful and something I don’t want to let go of entirely, even though it hurts. She does not. For her, whatever it was is gone. She has built a new life that has no place for me in it, and even if this is just a friends with benefits situation, sooner or later, she’ll be in something real and I will just be a distant memory.

Maybe longterm this will be a good thing I learned. It’ll get me to finally shake this notion that maybe it’s not all the way over and maybe shes still holding on to me too. Maybe it’ll push me forward. But for right now it just sucks. Sorry this isn’t really a thesis statement, I just needed to speak with people who understand.

in Divorceby SurelyNotAWalrus

93%

2mo

DisplayLeft1847

2mo

I acted like your ex-wife. Moved on quickly: dating, going on elaborate adventures, looking better than ever and not looking back. But I was heartbroken to my core. Every waking minute I was raw with pain and loss… and all that magnificently fabulous behavior was just painful self-medicating.

Of course I don’t know your situation, but people grieve differently.

Big love and best wishes to you.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Despite my petty PS at the bottom, I genuinely don’t want her to be miserable. It is just that I dread the idea that things are entirely one-sided in my grief. That I just wasn’t that important to her. This perspective genuinely helps, thank you.

pibble801

2mo

My ex left me too after saying the same shit of I love you but I’m not ‘in love’ anymore. For the first year he was so ready to argue anytime we talked. But it took him a little over a year to start sending drunk I miss you texts. It’s hard to say what’s going on underneath every bullshit layer.

Just because she may look like she’s moved on without any trouble shouldn’t make you feel devalued. I know for a fact you are worth more than this made you feel.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

That’s a very sweet comment. Thank you ❤️

Winter-Fold7624

2mo

Same kind of thing happened to me as well - the same day I saw the quote “your direction is more important than your speed. A lot of people are going nowhere fast.” This made me feel a lot better for some reason (usually these stupid quotes are empty platitudes). Good luck with your healing.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Haha I shamefully found some comfort in stupid platitude quotes. Like shit you’d see on Facebook and roll your eyes at had me nodding sagely when I was at my saddest.

Winter-Fold7624

2mo

I’ll take it - whatever we can do to get through.

InteractionOk69

2mo

Mine was the one about resentment being like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Said that to myself for a year straight after my horrible break up.

Cute_Positive_4493

2mo

Thanks for sharing.

HULKaba

2mo

Something very similar happened to me early on. You’re doing it the right way, processing the pain and letting yourself feel it.

She’s most likely using men to distract herself from dealing with the pain and weight of the divorce. I’m so sorry you’re having to not only process but deal with her damaging behaviors as well. Keep holding on, it gets better but it takes time!

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Yeah that’s probably true to one degree or another. Like many people here, I am definitely of the mindset that I should learn to be happy alone before I really try to be in a relationship again.

HULKaba

2mo

Absolutely. After about the 1.5 year mark, I started to almost get addicted to being alone. I’m dating someone now but honestly really love living alone.

Sinky16

2mo

Very similar situation here. Ex has moved on. I can’t even think about dating. I’m trying to just learn to be happy on my own. It sucks though.

Lopsided_Training_99

2mo

I wish what you were saying was something I couldn't relate to. I can only say even the timeline is close and the leaving to explore new possibilities too. Found out last week she's been seeing someone and it brought up pain from what I was hoping were more healed wounds.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night with my heart physically hurting these last few nights. Full moon doesn't help. I do know I've got way better coping skills now than a year ago. And while the hurts have come back, I do know I've changed and grown over the time and I can deal....but still there is undeniable pain. I'm not - despite hurting - back at square one.

I can see in your post, and this may be a total projection, a sense of the freedom that's potentially on the path ahead but also the uneasiness of the next steps.

Not sure what you're into or how you deal with things. So, this might be a bit woo or too mythic for you but...

I'll offer this as I've been thinking about it a fair amount. If you're familiar with the hero's journey concept there's a part where the hero passes the threshold into the unknown and is well on the journey. They face challenges along the way as they head into the abyss right in the middle portion of the shit. The journey through the abyss has demands that transforms the hero and they then come back to the world changed. Maybe it's just a nice story or way to frame things. Kind of helps me a bit.

I hope you don't feel like you're right back where you were when things blew up and that you can sense you're on your journey through this shit and not stuck in it. You are not alone.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Fortunately I do know how far I’ve come, even with this set back. I was borderline catatonic immediately after and I’m definitely not back there. But it is definitely a special kind of shitty when you are reminded, even a bit, of how bad that shit feels and how you haven’t fully escaped it. I do try to think of my journey in similar terms, and I do know I’ve changed. I hope you get over this bump in the road the better for it!

TedCruuuz

2mo

Divorce is hard. I tell many people - takes two years to fully disconnect - so your feelings are completely normal and valid. But. Work towards ambivalence. Not anger or resentment - ambivalence where she’s someone you “used to know.”

But yeah, it takes time.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Yeah Ive moved past anger and resentment, which was at its worst between 4-6 months. But that full disconnect really is difficult. I have come to realize that you can kinda get addicted to being sad, in that sort of wistful way. I’ve slowed my own progress because I’m afraid of healing to a degree if that meant fully letting go, and in some ways it was easier to just let it hurt me.

TedCruuuz

2mo

It’s tough for sure. Been there. One thing is to look for opportunities to embrace new freedom. To do some things “just for you”. Take a weekend trip away from home - or longer. I took up guitar lessons. Force yourself to get on a bike and go for a ride - or go hit a bucket of balls. And there is for sure an odd “comfort” in feeling sad. Listening to sad songs and reminiscing about what you’ve lost - so unhealthy but sometimes we feel drawn to it.

Resist my friend.

Resist. Tell yourself you’re not doing that as an act of will. Even if you don’t fully believe it tell yourself - as a mantra - life goes on, and I’m going to be fine - I’ll learn from this and be happier in the long run.

But again - time heals. So give yourself permission to take the time needed - just don’t abandon the effort to move on.

Beneficial-Plane-214

2mo

I'm sorry, but "penis friend" literally made me laugh out loud. And I love that you put on YouTube videos for your dogs when you go to work. :)
I know the feeling, though. My ex told me 3 weeks after our "official" separation that he was already seriously dating our neighbor (who was 100% around before the split). Now, it's been 9 months, they have already moved in together, and the kids already know about her. It felt like a punch to the gut - like he basically just replaced me without a second thought. All while I was going to therapy, crying myself to sleep, feeling betrayed and hurt from all of the lies - and still trying to co-parent peacefully. It seemed really unfair.
All that bullshit forced me to do a lot of healing and growth. Today, I feel like a different person. Meanwhile, he is literally the EXACT SAME - all he did was get someone new (and much younger) to help him pretend that he doesn't need to heal, too. One more trauma to add to the bunch that will manifest in some way someday... It actually makes me feel a little bad for him.
The whole point is - don't worry about her timeline. You do whatever you need to do to get through it. You'll come out on top in the end.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

It is pretty funny, no doubt about that. And that’s incredibly shitty. I really just don’t understand how people can do shit like that. And I don’t understand your neighbor - like if he can do that to you, doesn’t she get that he will probably do something similar to her too? Unfair is really it. It’s being robbed of agency, and just being swept along by the person you trust the most, only to have a seemingly way harder time to get over it? That’s some bullshit truly. But ultimately yeah you’re correct on all counts. I’m lucky to have had a lot of progress at least.

User deleted comment

2mo

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Yeah I mean if being on this subreddit has illustrated one thing, she could have been much crueler and this could all have been much much messier on both our ends. I have my complaints but it has been relatively civil.

CatskillJane1705

2mo

Novel idea here, but it helps me to think about it this way sometimes…

Just because your ex is dating, doesn’t mean they have “moved on” to this new amazing life without you and they aren’t in pain also. I’m not by any means encouraging pity for your partner who left, but having a “penis friend” doesn’t equal “healed from divorced and super happy now” to me. I don’t think you need to worry so much.

A lot of times people rush into dating after divorce to mask the pain…but it often catches up. I did this in my last divorce. It was fun on the surface, but man, what a hot mess underneath. I’m finding a lot of comfort that my instincts this time around are to stay single as long as possible. It’s lonely, but I can protect my heart.

I have dated people casually that of course I didn’t think of after breaking up. But not a husband or a long term partner. I think you should give yourself more credit. I bet you are thought of quite often.

Prelude9925

2mo

You’re assigning feelings or lack thereof to her that you have no idea to be true or not. And none of it matters anyhow. Your life is in front of you my man - what’s done is done and gone. Learn from it - and choose to go live the life you want. Whatever that is - go do it. Time to write your comeback story.

Lost_Alternative8260

2mo

My hobbies are the kind I can lose myself in and I find they’re the best medicine to deal with literally any trauma. A good cry now and then is usually necessary while you process the time lost and feelings you thought were mutual and iron clad being apparently fragile and possibly never even real but each loss is a valuable lesson worth evaluating thoroughly so as to grow and evolve.

recovering88

2mo

I was 1000% sure that my ex wife had moved on. She would even say “you’re going to find someone else and be happy”. It took a long time but I started to move forward and started dating. I met this woman I really like and we started dating and I shared with my ex. She was not over me, just pretending and distracting. Everyone grieves differently and it comes in waves. I wish you the best

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

That must have been both somewhat satisfying and acutely painful.

Electrical-Echo8770

2mo

The best thing you can do is work on yourself as soon as she sees you don't need her to live a good life she will start calling ,texting and say that she screwed up this is exactly what my ex did but by the time came it was to late I was living with 3 females and having a better time .

CreativeCritter

2mo

It’s a grieving process. We all grieve differently. I’m 4 years after separation and I have no interest in dating.

Plenty_Cranberry3

2mo

I can relate to this so much. My ex husband was in a new relationship a few months after we seperated although I didn't find out till 6 months after he left. He was a sad, broken, damaged man when he left our family but obviously that didn't last long. I couldn't put my finger on what has hurt so much until I read your post, it's all the more lonely when you know you're the only one still suffering.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

As other people have said here, I’m sure that there was a lot of masking pain there. It seems men especially (though not exclusively) have a tendency not to deal with the trauma of divorce and jump into a relationship too quick as a way to not process things.

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Thanks for the comment. That is my instinct as well. I don’t really want to go through that all again, at least right now. Better to protect my peace and learn to be alone.

Defiant_Job_7078

2mo

To be honest with you, she knows you can probably see it And just did it to be spiteful to see if you will respond. He may not even exist. Because who puts a casual fuck buddy in as a user name

King-Of-The-Hill

2mo

My friend put a pillow wedged behind his headboard so that his ex wife could see it when she was over picking up or dropping off the kids.

He wasn't dating anyone, but the implied thing about the pillow is that he was having overnight female guests and the pillow kept the headboard from knocking on the wall during sex.

Headgames.

DumbLove68

26d

I could've written this exact OP, OP. My ex-wife initiated the divorce, indicating she no longer wanted to be a "wife" and instead wanted to move to California, travel and start up a buisness. It was an amicable split, but it was very hard for me in particular. I gave the marriage my all, but it wasn't enough. But like you, she moved on relatively quick where I felt like I hadn't mad much "progress". Dating didn't (and still doesn't) interest me. And would you know, every now and then I will see her posting pictures of her new BF, showing off how happy they are to be frolicking in flowers and traveling. It stings and it sucks.

I say this because you are 100 percent not alone. Your feelings are valid. Although I still struggle with it sometimes, it has helped to remind me this is part of the process; a sort of rite of passage. This is the end of one thing and the start of our next. A reminder to focus on ourselves and not our ex's lives.

I hope you are healing OP. Here for ya.

Roamer56

2mo

Eventually you will get to the “good riddance to bad garbage” phase. It’s coming.

User deleted comment

2mo

SurelyNotAWalrus

2mo

Yeah I mean that wasn’t the reason in this case. Not that it didn’t have anything to do with it but I didn’t start transitioning until after and I do believe her when she says that wasn’t the reason. But yeah I have complex feelings on it but she’s definitely not garbage (though I do appreciate the camaraderie of people talking shit about an ex lol)