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At this point I couldn’t even call this person an ex-friend because can you really call a one sided relationship based upon lies and deception a friendship? Let’s just say somebody that I used to know…
I do understand the amnesia side of things. We had conversations about how hard it is and which is worse… doing things and not having any recollection of or watching yourself do them and not be able to stop yourself.
For myself I’ve watched myself say and do some horrible things to people in my life (non-violent) but my other alters have taken accountability and worked with that alter to heal and done our best to repair things after the fact. Knowing myself though if I was being told that I was doing horrible things and couldn’t remember I’d make sure to not put myself in positions to be able to continue the behavior. It sucks feeling like you have to be the one to take responsibility for another alters bad action but we are still 1 system and have to live with ourselves.
Since I have no plans on contacting this person it’s more of an abstract question to get peoples thoughts than an ask for how to approach. Thank you for your thoughts!
When they refuse to acknowledge it leads me to believe that they do know to some extent. If they were accountable with a lot of amnesia they would feel bad learning about their actions. This refusal to take accountability can and will cause worse amnesia. It sounds like they are enabling this behavior for whatever reason and choosing not to want better for themselves. This is not a friend for you, at least not in the state they are in now. There is no dealing with it especially if they are not willing to admit they can be toxic this is not at all a safe friendship. Most of us have toxic parts but it's what we do with that that matters. I can't imagine it's like a parent who knows their kid beats up their friends but chooses not to acknowledge it bc they don't want to deal with it. What it does is create an abusive person that does not have respect for the consequences of their actions. This can escalate quickly. And in the adult world if you beat on someone you likely will go to jail so I'm not sure how far they think this type of behavior will get them.
Unfortunately this person has been to jail multiple times and has many violent offenses in the past. That adds to the situation. I feel the same that if you don’t address and own the problem you’re doomed to repeat it again.
oh i've dealt with an ex exactly like this. they are likely using the mean alter as a scapegoat for shitty behaviour. the host, if not the system as a whole, should take accountability. because essentially, you are fragments of one whole individual. lying about it just adds another red flag lol. what you can do is confront them about it more firmly, and if they refuse to listen, then ... best to cut the acquaintance off if its affecting you too. and absolutely don't let them be around younger people if they keep acting like that
I’ve tried confronting them about their behavior when it was behavior directed towards me to the point of telling them I believed one of their alters hated me. I was attacked back and no accountability was ever taken for any poor behavior. It’s clear the “bad” alter is the scapegoat but there is no ownership of the behavior to the point the innocent alter demands to be let off the hook while the other continues to blame people and circumstances for their reactions with no change. I’ve cut them off and blocked them because I refuse to continue to try and be someone’s friend when they are lying to me. It’s to the point that I’ve given advice to one alter that lets them off the hook because I was lied to and given only their side of the story. Personally I feel manipulated because I never would have given the advice I did if I knew everything. I’ve even asked how do you explain your alters to people and they told me they just hope people understand. Like no… it doesn’t work that way.
I have no way of keeping them from these young people. It’s clear the people they hang out with are manipulative in their own right and are most likely manipulating the “innocent” alter while the other alter is preying on people (especially girls).
At this point I’ve walked away because I see no way of getting through to them to even have an honest conversation. I’m just more curious on everyone’s thoughts…
I am sorry to hear about your ex. I’ve seen and heard the terrible things this alter has done and watched how they have manipulated the situation to make themselves the innocent one when they are just as much of the problem as their ex was.
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This is tough. You have OSDD, and while I have DID, I do not get black out amnesia often (like I'm mostly aware of my alters' actions). This makes the whole concept of system accountability easy for us to understand since we remember our headmates' actions. HOWEVER - imagine have absolutely zero recollection of what your alters do. You say their host isn't telling the truth about their actions - is it not telling the truth, or is it them not remembering?
All in all, idk this person or you, so I could be talking out of my ass. I do agree with system accountability for all systems regardless of amnesia, I'm just pointing out how difficult it must be for systems with high dissociative amnesia barriers.
I have a persecutor alter, and I've been making great progress with him. I would encourage your friend to try and have a conversation with that alter. Get to the route of the behavior and try to work something out