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I don’t think there are meds for codependency. Are you going to therapy or group meetings? You’re still talking to him? Gotta be ready to eat alone and close it off. Even though the pain seems to great.
Feeling this way tonight as well. I was doing pretty good, then out of nowhere seemingly, I crashed. I was lied to constantly, about stupid shit that I wouldn’t have even cared about. Betrayed physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I’m doing CBT and ART therapy. I’m journaling. I’m exercising. It’s really starting to piss me off. I don’t want to backslide. I don’t want to miss them or feel like this. I don’t know what the answer is, but I know I have been through so much in life already that I will survive this. I just have to fucking push through I suppose.
Maybe someone here will have a better answer. I know healing is not linear, but goddamn. A person can only take so much.
Every single day that you don't put up with that sh*t anymore is something to be very proud of.
Life often is not a upwards slope,
You can keep going up without noticing the distance. But if you stop improving, then it will throw you back down. I get it, i have been in the same place as you, but not acknowledging your improvement is the same as not growing at all. You may make so much progress, but mentally you will still be that same person stuck in that same box unaware of how far you have moved. I truly hope you get better, and I hope you keep improving.
I understand you perfectly, recently I saw a post on Instagram of my ex now in a new relationship, I felt ugly in my chest, but I remembered that I deserve better, I allowed many things towards myself in the relationship, as a result of that I discovered my codependency . .......
I send you a lot of light, a lot of encouragement, if we can, a new person will arrive at the right time, in the meantime there is work to do individually 😊😊
I relate to this, sounds harsh but he's dead to me. I will never make those jokes again, we will never be friends.
I'm going through the same thing, so I really appreciate your post. This past week I was reeling hard and ruminating over things he said. In my better moments I remember that I put too much weight on the things he said and did, that I know I am correct and that's all that matters. I have a problem with being overly self critical, I don't allow myself to feel what I feel because of how it might affect others. It's why I stayed so long, I didn't think I deserved better, the uncomfortable feeling I had about him was more than tolerable, it felt familiar and therefore comfortable. It's been so hard to unravel all that. I find it helpful to think of it like hooks.... And to be patient with myself. A quote/mantra from Melanie Tonia Evans that you might find helpful:
“I am sending love and forgiveness to myself for not being able to let go of who and what is not serving me yet. It’s not because I am defective, incapable or unable to do so. It is because I haven’t as yet gone within to unhook the parts of myself that I can’t let go of. When I do this, I will go free.”
There's so much going on here but let me just say, what happened to you is not your fault. When we grow up in dysfunctional homes we learn what we need to do to survive. I don't need to know the details to know you've done such a great job getting through all that. You're here and you're examining yourself for ways to find healthier connections and behaviors. This is hard, so hard. There are so many people out there who don't know how fortunate they are to not have to suffer through this. They will not understand, they will label us, and reinforce the negative thinking we learned growing up in an unacceptable environment. We started at a deficit, and we may be looking towards others to make up that deficit. That's so hard to accept because it means we have to accept responsibility for our behavior now when we were the ones wronged as children. It might feel like that betrayal from childhood acts out again in our adult relationships. We might choose unhealthy people because we are conditioned to tolerate unhealthy conditions.
If this person hurt and betrayed you, please know this is not a reflection of you. He was not your person, period. It doesn't matter one iota what he thinks or tells his parents, he's trying to protect his image and deflect from his shitty behavior. If he refuses to accept responsibility and take accountability for his part, you have no control over that - but you DO have the power to reject that toxicity. Find ways to distract yourself from him at all costs and focus squarely on YOU. You're worth it!!!!
I feel so connected to what you're sharing you don't even know. I feel sick to my stomach to think of how he portrays me to others. Primarily because the straw that broke the camel's back is a big secret and makes him look like a pig. When we were "working on it" he said so many awful things I was horrified. I pretty much feel like our whole relationship was a big lie because of how he revealed that he actually sees me - which is through an extremely judgemental lens. But now it makes sense, so much sense, and I recognize that I knew something was really off and blamed myself but it was really me avoiding looking too close at him because deep down I knew that once I was faced with it I would not be able to stay.
He tore me down and discarded me but the whole time played like I neglected him. I felt invisible, and crazy. I have been spending so much time trying to get external validation for my experience but I'm starting to realize the only validation I need is from myself (as I wrote this long reply lol still working on it). I realized that there's no magic phrase or anecdote or share that's ever going to make him see. THAT is what I am mourning the most. That no matter what, he is simply incapable. And not only that, he's still on this earth living in the belief that he was justified. And that he has no idea just how toxic and in denial he is, and that I spent so much time gently trying to help him (because I know that these behaviors come from a very fragile sense of self), but now he pities me. He was a coward and an emotionally unavailable person, and my patience and compassion was brave. I'm not saying I am perfect (something he exploited btw), but I'm not who he says I am. I think he projected the things he hates about himself onto me as a way to protect his fragile ego.
When I hurt him it became my everything to try and make it up to him but I was stonewalled, and yelled at when I tried to discuss it. He even yelled at me for asking clarifying questions. Yelling makes me shut down and I asked over and over again for him to stop and it never stopped. The amplitude of the reaction from him was the same intensity whether it was a big or small transgression. I felt condemned before he even addressed things with me, IF he ever addressed them with me (most often coming out in a fight and yelling). If I tried to stand up for myself because I felt I was being pummeled, I was slammed for being defensive and dismissive. because he shut me out so much I never got a good understanding of what he was asking for, so I did my best guess, which was ultimately wrong, and that's what he points to as the justification for his behavior and why he couldn't work on the relationship.
When he hurt me, if I let him know I would do a million contortions in my delivery to try to avoid making him feel bad or attacked. He would not respond well. He was not concerned that he hurt me. He would bring up something I didn't do as a reason why he was that way to me. I would always be coming out if that conversation apologizing. Then he'd love bomb me, tell me I was right and shower me with affirmations and general statements of validation, but nothing specifically addressing the issue. I now know that he was placating me to get me to comply, and had zero intentions of entertaining my complaints. He played the part of remorseful partner but secretly resented me. If I was too afraid to tell him I was hurt, I simply withdrew, I would never hold him responsible for a feeling I'm not addressing myself. I absorbed a lot, let a lot of things go, like really go, because I knew deep down where he came from and I gave him a lot of lattitude for that. I got zero of that back. If he was kind to me I believe it was genuine, but the Lizzo says it best: "why men great til they gotta be great". Then we feel selfish or too much when we're just asking for THE BASICS.
Ultimately he discarded me and I finally stood up for myself and his reaction was to deny he discarded me but that I was an obstacle to everything he wanted in his life. How could I want to be with someone who sees me this way? How could I miss them at all? Why does ANYTHING he says or does have any impact on me whatsoever?
I try to remember that my super power is love and compassion, it's not a weakness. I just need to learn how to direct that power inward, because I'm worthy of at least the same love and compassion and understanding and forgiveness that I offered people who did not earn it.
Progress isn’t linear or always upwards. I struggle daily. It’s been 2 years since my last relationship and I let that person take advantage of me recently after a long period of doing well with everything. It did feel like starting back at square one, but I rebounded so much faster this time. Onward and upward. You got this!