Fight mode maladaptive day dreams anyone?

Advice requested

Hi, I don't even know if this is a thing.... but no one has been able to answer what it is I experience.

Closest thing to an answer I've received from a psychiatrist is; 'oh that sounds similar to PTSD'

I have violent day dreams - when stressed. I get so Angry when stressed that there is no way I can process it... it overcomes me and I burn out fast. It seems to me as a protective measure my brain goes into day-dream mode. But they are realistic scenarios... and they are videos played out to their logical conclusion - in my head.

Just today, as an example. I am livid at everything, in particular how I am being treated so badly by literally everyone. Family, strangers... mental health professionals., the government. Furious at the climate catastrophe... and the world still wages war (Russia currently) throwing all that money into explosives instead of green energy. Just so much.... but it's usually my parents and toxic people that send me into these rages. Any Behaviour that I've been subjected to; manipulative cluster B type bullshit - in my past. If anyone does anything along those lines it's either I rage at them... or withdraw into these awful day-dreams.

The day dream triggered today....:

I was thinking about what would happen if I was honest with the mental health 'professionals' about my rage and anger. Well - like last time I was honest, they would put me in a ward and on an anti-psychotic. I am never taking those poisons again. They nearly ruined my life even further (permanent side effects)

Then I slide into the day dream: 'I'm in a ward, and a nurse and two security personnel corner me wanting to force inject me with a depot(anti-psychotic) or some form of injectable anti-psychotic.

I tell them 'no... it's not going to happen'... 'one of two things is going to happen - you all leave me alone, or you two are going to get hurt, and you (nurse) are the one who will be injected with that poison. See how you like permanent side effects'

They continue to try and wrestle me down and inject me; but I physically assault all three as promised, and inject the nurse as I said I would.'

Being locked in a ward I can't escape... so then police arrive.. I fight them too. Hurting one of them badly. Things get worse and worse... I escape the ward.. not sure whether to kill myself or keep running'.... End up getting tasered... still fight them off - won't stop. Steal their car drive somewhere, go on the run... they keep catching up with me. (we have the most surveillance in the world where I live) I keep hurting them.... everytime telling them I don't want to hurt them but I will if they don't leave me alone.... the violence escalates with them getting more violent as now i'm classified as a 'dangerous individual'.

The dream winds up with me either killing myself by jumping off a tall building or getting shot by armed police. There are multiple endings, multiple middles. Beginning is usually pretty consistent.

This dream took about 30minutes. I couldn't snap out of it. Just lying in bed with this movie playing in my head. It feels real.... very real. Though I know it isn't - I have no psychosis.

I have only found a couple people on the internet who have related to experiencing the same violent day dreams. These were people on r/MaladaptiveDreaming. However it seems everyone in that subreddit has fantasies that they deliberately take part in.. and they are idealised enjoyable escapes from reality. That's totally not what I experience.

These violent distressing day dreams are autonomous. I don't start them, can't stop them. They torment me.

When they are finished my rage has faded to a manageable level.

What is this? I know it's trauma related. Is this repressed fight mode? what is happening to me.

I don't have schizophrenia or psychosis.... I have autism and cptsd and other stuff. (no cluster B personality disorders)

I'm not a violent person... but I know I am very capable of it should I wish. But I don't, I go out of my way to not cause harm. I've been in totally self-imposed isolation for about 4 years as I'm scared of upsetting others with my very obvious rage issues.. and deeply seated fury at the world and the evil people in it. I don't want this to spill onto others who don't deserve it.

These dreams feel like the only way I can seek absolution from the injustice I experience daily. Without destroying something or someone. I'm trapped in a toxic household with one of my cluster B parents. My entire life there has been a cluster B fucker less than 10metres away from me in my or their home.

I just don't know what the hell to do. Therapy hasn't made a dent in that anger/rage. I have DTD, (CPTSD from <2years of age)

It's been there my whole life. I hate these day dreams. They distress me even though they appear to serve a purpose of negating my experience of the rage.... a dissociation I guess.

They also waste so much of my time.

And also as a result of this rage - everyone is very wary around me. I scare the crap out of people with zero intention of doing so. I've been told by a therapist to find a use or outlet for that anger..... had zero success there. Nothing quels it.... nothing expels or diminishes it.... apart from these day-dreams.. oh and drugs. drugs shut them down.... as does video gaming.

Anyone else go through something similar? what is this phenomena?

Thanks. Y

in CPTSDFightModeby yadayada2231

92%

1.9y

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BunnyKusanin

1.9y

That happened to me too. Mine were/are usually about verbal conflict but pretty horrible too.

I'll tell you how I got that under control, but I get that it might sound like r/therestoftheowl and r/wowthanksimcured. If it does sound like some stupid popular psychology advice, feel free to ignore it.

I've learnt about hypervigilence, a coping strategy that makes one constantly look for and prepare for potential threats (think constantly monitor your surroundings in case someone dodgy appears). And it clicked in my head, that my long daydreaming about arguments with my mother was a very similar thing: my brain trying to prepare me for the worst thing it can imagine happening. Understanding this helped me to sort of distance myself from those imaginary situation that before this revelation felt very authentic.

Growing up, I was very much discouraged from expressing anger and had no idea it can be done in a healthy way. So until a certain point in my life I was just mostly avoiding my anger because I had no idea one could express it non-aggressively. Then, I discovered it was actually possible and pretty normal to be angry and not go berserk about it. This made me adopt a stance that if I feel anger that means there's a reason for it, and that it's a productive feeling.

Now going back to hypervigilence and my daydreaming, I started to see those imaginary arguments as something my brain is (ineffectively) doing to protect me, rather than just my legit emotions that are supposed to help me deal with things. I knew my mother just invents excuses and insults randomly as she goes and that there's no way to prepare for an argument with someone like this.

So I started reminding myself that even though this daydream is very engaging, it's unfortunately pointless. The argument was never going to happen the way I imagined it or at all. It didn't stop the thing immediately, but helped to stop myself for a second and try to distract myself with something else.

Later, I've learnt that there's a form of OCD when people worry that something bad might happen and then have a compilation of thinking of how to solve/prevent it. And that also seemed like what's happening to me. It turned out the best thing to stop a compulsion is not to give in to the said compulsion. (That's legit the advice for OCD). I know, that's the bit that just makes everyone go "Wow, thanks I'm cured!" sarcastically. However, seeing this thought process as something pathological again helped me to try disengaging with it (because if it wasn't pathological, it would mean that were my very important thoughts that I need to pay attention to).

I noticed that these kind of thoughts come to me when I'm doing something on my own, particularly something I dislike, or when I'm tired. So I started preparing for those situations in advance, making a mental list of things I would like to think about. Or I would just try to come up with them on the spot. But every time I start a boring monotonous activity I say to myself something like "Well, what pleasant stuff would I like to think about? Is it my dinner? Is it my craft project? Should I daydream about going back to teaching?" and so on. Those thoughts don't always work out, but I try my best.

Apart from trying to keep my mind occupied, I've noticed that it helps to stimulate my fingertips (e.g. massage or play with a fidge toy). A therapist once suggested I put my hands in icy cold water but I knew that would never work for me, so I haven't even tried. You can look into physical things that help you to calm down and be present in the moment.

Sometimes, situations that bother me aren't as unrealistic as an argument with my estranged mother who lives in another country. It's harder to apply my mind trickery to them.

In some cases, it helps to write down what bothers me with the intention to get to it later. I found it particularly useful when someone pisses me off at work and I'm unsure if I should just be petty or report them. Writing it down lets me relax a bit, because I can return to this info later with a cooler head and if I decide to report, it's not just "boss, the chef is mean to me", but a detailed account. So for the meantime, it feels ok to let the situation out of my head.

In other cases, I run the situation by my wife and tell her that I really need a plan of action. We try to make a quick one and then I try my best to stop preparing. I do allow myself to still be upset, or worried or whatnot.

Also, I've just remembered a thing that helped me to finish angry daydreaming quicker. I would imagine punching, or slapping the person in the face, or stabbing them in their foot, or something else of that sort. Like, it's my daydream, I can imagine myself doing anything, why not imagine something satisfying for once. So I'd try to focus on physically hurting them, and triumphantly finishing the argument the way I need it to finish.

Again, I'm sorry if any of this sounds like "just don't do it, mmmkay". Feel free to ignore this comment if my method of dealing with it doesn't seem right to you.

Anonuno999

1.9y

I second all of this except imagining yourself physically hurting people. You don't want those violent thoughts in your head. At one point it got with me to the point where I was imagining physically hurting people for even small things and then when I remembered that would be bad, feeling an intense urge to physically hurt myself instead.