Shame is one of CPTSD’s signature features, and it belongs to the cluster of emotional dis-regulation symptoms. The feeling of shame is rooted in the false belief that you are inherently bad and in a negative sense of self as something unworthy, disgusting, or damaged.
Some typical examples of shame-related beliefs:
- I don’t matter.
- I don’t deserve anything nice
- I am a fraud
- I am a failure
- I shouldn’t have been born
- I am defective / There’s something wrong with me
- I am bad
- I am stupid
- I am an emotional wreck / I am damaged goods / I am broken.
If you find yourself struggling with these thoughts, please know that you are not alone. These thoughts are neither original nor exclusive to you: many other survivors have struggled with them. Keep in mind that these false beliefs are are not a reflection of who you are, but a long-lasting consequence of the abuse you have endured.
Shame is a direct consequence of childhood abuse. As Arielle Schwartz explains, it is a mechanism is rooted in basic child psychology:
Young children are completely dependent upon caregivers for a sense of safety and connection in the world. [...] If you had an abusive caregiver, you faced a critical conflict: your biological drive to seek closeness from the very source of the terror you were trying to escape. Adults who were abused or neglected as children will often blame themselves. Self-blame is a direct link to childhood logic—children will develop a fantasy that they are bad kids relying upon good parents to avoid confronting the terrifying reality that they are good kids relying upon bad parents. (The Complex PTSD workbook, Kindle Loc. 1995-97)
To protect their bond with the parent, the abused child goes on to develop a stigmatized and contaminated sense of self. They begins to see him/herself as something evil, and takes the role abusers have pinned on them. Because it is rooted in the primary attachment to a parent or caregiver, this distorted and negative sense of self is not easily challenged: in fact, it often becomes a stable feature of the victim’s identity throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
Please note that while shame is often established in early childhood, it can also develop as a consequence of complex trauma experienced during adulthood, such as internment, enslavement, domestic violence or intimate partner violence. As Judith Hermans notices, shame is a response to the experiences of helplessness and humiliation experienced by the victim in front of someone else’s eyes, and this is not just specific to childhood but to all situations in which abuse is accompanied by dependency on the abuser (Hermans, Trauma and Recovery, p. 53).
Shame can take different forms. Here are some of the most common shame-informed thinking distortions:
The Inner Critic Do you know that nasty little voice which keeps telling you that you are flawed and defective? That little voice which sometimes (but not always) may sound like your own hypercritical parents; and which nitpicks everything you do, torturing you with the “should’”s, and “Shouldn’t have”’s and the “why didn’t you do that”? Well, that’s another manifestation of your shame. Please note that not all criticism harmful, per se: When it’s on point and constructive, it can lead you to take active steps to improve a behavior, or repair a past mistake. However, the inner critic is not that kind of constructive, effective criticism: its role is to tear you down, and no effort will be ever enough to placate your inner shame. This can lead, in turn, to a paralysis of action and avoidance.
The Perfectionist Perfectionism is another typical way to deal with a feeling of chronic shame and with a distorted perception of your own inner badness, when the victimized child has internalized the message that they have to “act perfect” at all time. In an attempt to placate the abusers, the abused child becomes a compliant performer, an academic overachiever, and can become the family fixer and a caregiver for their own parents (a phenomenon that can lead to Parentification. Perfectionism is also linked to other coping mechanisms such as workaholism, but can also lead to the opposite outcomes, paralysis and self-sabotage. An example of this thinking is: “If nothing is ever good enough, what’s the point of trying?”
Learned Helplessness and the Negative Triad Shame is also associated to feelings of emotional despair, and to the so-called negative “triad” -- negative beliefs about self, about the future and about the world. Shame also confirms your feelings of powerlessness and inadequacy, inhibiting your ability to act. Shame keeps you stuck and frozen in place, unable to break a toxic cycle of abuse: it reinforces the learned helplessness that you were so efficiently trained to maintain.
Finally, shame can lead to a self-perpetuating cycle of chronic isolation: set in a toxic and false belief they are “unworthy” and “disgusting”, sufferers further detach themselves from others or self-sabotage their relationships, which in turn reinforces their own shame and their negative beliefs.
Healing from shame is possible. Here are some cognitive changes that can help you heal from shame:
1) Develop awareness of your own beliefs, feelings and thoughts, and become proficient at separating thoughts, feelings, facts, and beliefs:
• Learn how to spot shame in your body and its discomfort: typical somatic expressions of shame are a pressure in your chest or stomach, and an impulse to lower your eyes and/or cover your face.
• Become trained to recognize your emotions, and tend to them.
• Become aware of thinking processes and beliefs that might subconsciously inform your behaviors, and learn how to recognize toxic beliefs about yourself that are rooted in shame. Spotting these mental and emotional processes might be uncomfortable at first, but it is the first step to correct and replace them with more accurate positive beliefs.
2) Extend compassion to yourself. Compassion will allow you to re-parent yourself and get rid of the false negative identity that allowed you to maintain a bond with your abusive caregiver. There is also an established link between emotions of guilt and shame and certain neural pathways; replacing shame with compassion is a way to reprogram that circuitry and can help heal your brain.
Here are some useful thinking exercises that can help you re-frame negative, toxic beliefs, adapted or directly cited from Arielle Schwartz’s The CPTSD Toolbox:
• Mind your language! Dr. Dan Siegel compares statements such as “I am sad” and “I feel sad”: ““I am sad is a kind of self-definition and a very limited one. I feel sad suggests the ability to recognize and acknowledge a feeling without being consumed by it.” You can use this insight to separate your feelings (which are valid and need tending to) from your own sense of self.
• Avoid “should-statements” in your thinking process: Should-statements are a product of perfectionism, and set unrealistic, absolute standards for yourself and your behavior. Try instead to practice self-acceptance, and invite vulnerability in your life.
• Rewrite toxic beliefs Identify inaccurate beliefs that are rooted in shame and replace them with positive statements. A few examples:
“I am unlovable → I am lovable”
“I am broken” → “I survived a lot”
“I can’t trust anyone” → It is safe to trust and love now.”
By: Beverly Engel
Healing yourself from the past:
Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience. What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at that time? Write this statement down on a piece of paper.
Imagine that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears. Take those words into your heart. Notice how those words make you feel.
Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words. How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel? Giving your shame back to your abuser
Here is a link to a collection of exercises on self-compassion By: Dr. Kristin Neff
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/
Become compassionate toward yourself By: Beverly Engel
http://healmyshame.com/exercises-and-questionnaires/becoming-compassionate-toward-yourself/
On the neural pathways of shame: https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/9/2/150/1618662
On compassion and shame healing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201307/how-compassion-can-heal-shame-childhood
A good university presentation about Dr. Siegel’s Mindsight: https://studenthealth.rpi.edu/sites/default/files/in_a_nutshell_-_mindsight.pdf
In-depth reading and additional resources on trauma can be found & reviewed in the Library:
Listed Specifically for the Study and Healing of Shame:
• Arielle Schwartz, The CPTSD toolbox. Althea Editions, 2010.
• Beverly Engel, It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion. New Harbinger 2015.
• Beverly Engel, Healing your emotional self. John Wiley & Sons, 2006.
• Bradshaw, J.: Healing the Shame that Binds You, Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1988.
• Fossum, M.; Mason, M.: Facing Shame: Families in Recovery, New York: W. W. Norton, 1989.
• Kaufman, G.: Shame: The Power of Caring, 3rd. Ed., New York: Schenkmann, 1993.
• Tangney, J. P.; Dearing, R.: Shame and Guilt, New York: Guilford Press, 2002.
• Kaufman, G.: The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes, 2nd. Ed., New York: Springer, 1996. May require at least a Junior College Reading Level for comprehension
Research and Draft work compiled by u/scientificdreamer To make additional resource contributions to this article, or to make editing suggestions please post to r/TheCPTSDtoolbox with the "Shame wiki article" in the title