I always put a mask. Nobody knows the real me, when what I wish the most is being understood and cherished. But society does not like people with trauma. Feeling particularly lonely today. I wish I could have a family but I don't trust anybody enough to marry them and I am afraid to be hurt. I also don't like people enough to actively pursue them. The bad outweighs the good. It is debilitating, It is isolating.
let's talk about how complex trauma makes you feel lonely and misunderstood
I can second this. My bf at first told me I was distant and now that I have opened up like he asked me too I’m “unstable” and “come with A LOT”.
So I’m simultaneously too much and not enough.
Well obviously you were only supposed to open up about the sunshine and rainbows of your past! Not the dark stuff!
/s
My ex was the first one to say I was 'too much', that sentiment has been echoed by many others too. It's really sad to just not be right for anyone you know?
Why is he still your BF then? Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel like this. A healthy relationship doesn't tell you 'you're too much'.
Schrodinger’s girlfriend
Ugh I wrote a whole poem about just this very predicament, too much and not enough
Would you be willing to share this poem?
Thank you. It's beautiful
Kind of you to say, friend 💛 thank you!
thank you
Thank you. It's heartbreaking and beautiful, because it is true. Thank you for sharing
This is a sexist thing, also. Men are constantly telling women they are “too much” next minute “not enough”. I would get “too independent”, a lot. Then, “too needy” I am very independent, and men act like they want this, but all too often, they don’t know wtf they want. I think secretly many just want another man to fuck, and play VG with and not talk to each other about what is happening between them, but are scared to be humiliated by their peers and labeled gay.
My husband is among the men I have been with who didn’t go back and forth with this bs. It is really sad how common this bullshit is. I think it is in part because he is a POC. I don’t duck with white boys, anymore. They are probably the worst offenders of this bullshit.
How many other people are you consistently opening up to?
I thought I was the only one who pretended I had a friend or partner in my head! And pretend interactions and pretending I was holding them and being held. I daydream SO MUCH, its pitiful. I even make out with my comforter every once in a while. Sorry that was TMI
it's called limerance, this state of fantasy and potentially obsessive daydreaming. it became extremly debilitating for me. it's a common coping mechanism in people with attachment trauma.
it became so bad for me that i sought out help cause dating got really messed up for me since my limerance would get me to prematurly attach to people i barely knew. SLAA and CODA 12 step meetings are offering strategies to recover from that.
I also had a couple decades of limerance attachments. One of my limerance objects is now my boss and I no longer feel the same way after working with him for a year. That’s gotta be progress, right-?
nice
Ha I remember when someone told me "your trauma is too much for me and it stresses me out cause I don't know how to help" and "I want a girlfriend who's mentally stable".
That person was a good one. - They were just honest.
Yeah I was glad about her honesty other teens usually aren't that honest and just block me with no warning or reasons.Others just ghost me.But I still hate how I could always be the unpaid therapist, motivational speaker,and uplifter for others but once I started admitting I was being abused to myself and others in 2020 then I get abandoned,called selfish,called a Debby downer,called depressing and all types of other things just for wanting help.Of course I know now and been knew no one is gonna save me or help me.If authorities don't help or care about abuse victims no one else will help or advocate for me I have to be the one to save myself.Which I know now.Infact the same girl who told me those 2 things also told me "you're mad cause I won't be your friend yet you have bigger things to worry about". It's true i already know because of my situation I have never actually been able to have friends even when someone did actually like me.So why worry about friends when my life and health is constantly on the line.I usually only have long lasting friendships with someone who's as abusive as my parents anyway.
Yes. 100 %. It's crazy how alone, separate from society and misunderstood I feel- until reading stuff like this. I'm sorry for what you went through. This shit really changes us. I will never be like other people and don't know how to be in fact - I'm tired of being expected to be like others. I will never be like others. I totally agree that petty shit just doesn't matter - like a significant other would be nice but I'll never trust anyone enough so no thanks. I'm lucky to have my brain ffs.
Same I am under age so I am still in my situation though.So I don't know if I really will never find/be loved but I think maybe once i figure out how to get out I can maybe possibly find love.I really rather heal first so i won't attract Abusive people.
Everything will be ok. ♥️
I got lucky somehow that my partner never made me feel too much, with every layer I pulled down and showed him, he just matched it with more support. I think I’ve found a unicorn 😂
😂 oh god are you me??
I somehow knew that this comment would get plenty of votes.
🙏🏽💪🏽🙏🏽
This four months old, but damn this hits so close to home. Describing exactly how I feel
Feeling this a lot lately. Your are screwed if you do show yourself because nobody wants to genuinely see you and you are also screwed if you keep hiding.
People like to say that it’s ok to show yourself and that this is ideal but it really does feel like gaslighting. Those instincts we have that tell us to hide are there for a reason and they often have a better grasp on reality than those people who keep perpetuating the notion that showing yourself does not have serious consequences.
The society we live can’t handle the things that lurk beneath the surface of trauma survivors so showing any of it is extremely risky.
imo you cant show your hurt self to most people because thats not what they signed up for. they just want to have a good time, go home and get on with it.
and most likely the people that are willing to see and accept the hurt self are prob hurt themselves lol
Yup. If you get the chance to feel comfortable opening up to someone it’s because you both are!
I think it's a balance, some people treat you really shitty just for being yourself, and some will mildly reject you.
The environment plays a big role, and the Internet is, eventhough many people are online, not a good representation of the mindsets out there.
Finding a place where you can show yourself, eventhough people will still not like some parts (that's inevitable) but you still feel safe (for good reason), eventhough they may object, is the goal.
Being yourself, even when that self is not fully accepted in every nuance, is possible with healthy people around you.
A safe and comfortable level of disagreement is probably the better way to look at it. When traumatized and scared, disagreement is really scary, but that doesn't mean people need to fully like you or accept you.
So it's rather that you should be yourself, even when people reject you, so you know where to go or what to change so you can be this honest and good version of yourself.
Again, healthy people will understand they wont like all of you (this is the nature of differences and completely normal), and with the right mix of personal space and social interaction and mature people this is possible.
Very true. Over the past few years, I cut off alot of friends because I never had the opportunity to speak to them about the real me. Trauma and all. Imagine having a group of friends for a decade who barely know anything about you because they don't ask, and when you try and share deeper personal things with them, they talk amongst themselves about how you bring up the wrong topics at the wrong times.🙄 I'm apparently only suppose to speak about frivolous vapid topics to make them feel...comfortable.
Yet, when they have a problem and they want to vent about it, they are calling you and speaking for a half hour of more. I can barely get a word in. To be honest, having friends like this was directly caused by my childhood trauma. I'm trying to course correct. I wiped out all of my "friends" and I am starting FRESH.
I stay to myself. For the past six months, I haven't been not one bit social. On one hand, there is a peace to that, however, I am ever so lonely that I can barely stand it. It's painful honestly. But I refuse to go out looking for anymore friends who are selfish, emotionally unavailable, dismissive, judgmental and I could go on. If you can not be vulnerable with your friend, then don't bother putting yourself around them. It will only damage your self esteem and self worth. I wish I would have learned this earlier.
Cutting those people out is a painful step but it is gonna enable you to move forward. Stay strong. I am experiencing the same thing right now and some days are better than others. Something that has helped me ease the loneliness a bit is seeking out small conversations on the internet and sharing my experiences here on Reddit. It is not the same thing as a friendship but it does help.
Thanks for your comment and empathising with me. You understand exactly what I mean. I cut everyone off because they all were like my narcissist mother. I don't think I know anything different. I don't think I ever understood what respect, care and mutual relationships are suppose to feel like. I finally got a psychiatrist and therapist. I finally started medication to help me cope with my major depression,anxiety and cptsd. I feel so alone in this whole process of attempting to heal from years upon years of abuse. The journey seems long and arduous. Finding proper healthy friendships/relationships seem so far away.
I've been home struggling as I am currently in a rather severe episode. Might have to add other meds. It's just lonely. I have only one friend in another country who asks about me. But I feel as if...if I speak to her, she is going to vent about her issues and I will have to emotionally support her. That's kind of been our friendship. I give others way too much and when I ask to talk to them, they are always busy. She doesn't really hold space sometimes for other people. She isn't a bad person though. She needs professional help as well but doesn't have access to it. So I haven't spoken in depth to her in six months. I'm just so sick of people and the disappointment as well as feeling like I am always over giving of my time, energy and resources.
I know I shouldn't isolate myself but, I'm not sure how to do anything else at the moment. I should start engaging in some online conversations. I agree with you. It would help. Sorry for venting. I'm just trying to figure out moving forward in life because so far, it has been terrible.
Amen and so very very true
After having so many intense relationships die and fade and fizzle, I find myself at 43, alone. But honestly, I finally feel peaceful. I am working and taking care of myself, and I don't feel like I need to take care of anyone else.
You are totally right that people don't like people with trauma though, or understand how to help them at all.
I’m 41 and identify with this: so many intense relationships that died and faded and fizzled. I’m also alone now and feeling peaceful. I have stepped out of the drama others wanted to entangle me in. I stopped pulling on that rope, dropped it altogether, and walked away.
Me three. 42, celibate, in solitude. Copious amounts of kratom help with the high libido
I know exactly where you’re coming from. I either play a 3/4 mute or I get really “over-sharey.”
The worst part of having a mental illness (that’s completely misunderstood in and of itself) is everyone expects you to behave as if you don’t.
Yeah, we kind of went as a society from "ugh I don't want to date/befriend crazies" to "mental health and erasing stigma is super important, but also your mental health is 100% your responsibility so I won't date/befriend anyone with mental health issues unless they're so medicated/therapized that they're indistinguishable from a happy normal person".
I lived in near isolation for the past decade, there are two people that know and accept me intimately, but it was a knock-down, drag out fight to make that happen. And they both have plenty of trauma—they just didn’t have a clue they did before they met me.
Aside from that it’s essentially that no one knows me. But I will tell you, that lately—I’m gradually getting to a place mentally where I can feel like me and be socially acceptable. There are small glimpses.
It's as if you wrote my story too.
Society really does hate traumatized people and it makes me even more resentful that I have to keep existing on this stupid planet that doesn't want me here anyway.
But why,why does it hate us?
I'm a walking contradiction and I care but then I dont care. I want to be normal, accepted, have friends, family, connection, and community but I'm totally unwilling to put in the work for most of those things because of trauma. I also don't like people, and feel the safest in isolation with Netflix, PS4, a joint, and a great YouTube therapist when I'm on a break from therapy. I constantly contradict myself and I'm reminded how alone I feel when life gets hard. Honestly, a good life is really about having phenomenal, supportive relationships including the ones we have with ourselves. It's arguably psychotic, but my adult self has to work really hard to understand the little traumatized girl who lives inside of this body of mine. When she is triggered, boy do I feel it.
The world doesn't like people with trauma because the world created it, and has denied responsibility in making essential repairs.
I don't want to make some of my behaviors seem more of a choice than a natural response to the things I've gone through. I've felt misunderstood all my life but I think it's because the pain I've experienced in my journey has been unfathomable to people who haven't had similar experiences. I no longer share my experiences with anyone who I know won't get it. Unless I'm speaking on a board, or someone is super curious about my upbringing then I don't fight to make anyone understand me because it's useless. There are still good people in the world but I only open the door to my arguably cold heart for those who deserve access.
I used to want to be around people who had healthier childhoods until I realized they don't understand the blessing; nor do they understand my response to not having that blessing. Maybe not everyone, but folks that I know personally. I find myself more upset in those relationships because I'm biased. Since I ran from my relatives as fast as I could, there are just a ton of things that I've had to figure out on my own with or without much support. To see a person with a lot of support become crippled at the slightest ounce of pressure absolutely baffles me because I've had to be a one-woman army for a long time. Again, I'm biased and I know it.
Now that I'm older, I care more about being around people with lived experience who understand why I think, act, and behave the way that I do. Well, maybe I'm lying because there's only two people in my life who understand what it means to have this fucking junk heap of a disorder and they never question me.
I don't wear a mask anymore because I feel like I'm at home with my mother all over again walking on eggshells and pretending to be something I'm not. I've quit. I admit when I'm unwell and seek space or professional help if necessary.
If I don't feel like smiling then I'm not smiling. If I don't feel like laughing then I'm not laughing. If I don't want to do something then I make it known if it's necessary. It's a very tiresome act for me to pretend even if its with myself. There are obviously reasons not to act like a complete asshole in public especially because I'm a parent, but I practice calling a thing a thing with respect and boundaries of course. If there's anyone who doesn't understand me or at least tries to under normal, reasonable conditions then oh well. Unless it's a court judge making a decision that will impact my life, or a cop -- I don't really care who I convince.
I struggle a lot. I feel incompetent and unworthy a lot. And I say 'fuck it' a lot. But then something happens and that something inspires me to keep going. That something for me are my kids and partner. Having children and a partner are out of the question for most folks, but I honestly would not be alive without them. My children mean everything to me and I enjoy seeing them enjoy their lives and they somehow manage to challenge the idea that I'm unlovable. My partner does that for me too and I question how the hell he puts up with me.
I hope you will find your source of power and a reason to keep going. It may be something simple, but I hope the support from this thread will give you inspiration.
Virtual hug.
Forgive me if I spelled some things wrong -- typing fast and (I don't feel like editing.)
Being normal is a trap. Don't fall for it!
You're right -- being normal is a trap because no one really is.
I hope this doesn't come out wrong but enjoy every moment with your partner, kids, when you've gone years without anyone living on numbness, apathy, while feeling incomplete, incompetent, unloved, brain fog, a freak, and accepting that being a monster with hyperviligance, distrust, and failed suicide attempts and the one person army ring become normal.
everyday just getting closer and closer to turning off from humanity and humanity crap and just embracing full inhumanity.
No worries -- it didn't come out wrong and I get it. You are in a lot of pain right now and understandably. It is really difficult to embrace the suck when that's what you've been forced to do all your life. The world is becoming more and more inhumane as time passes and what's both a blessing and a curse is being hyper-aware of how toxic humanity can be. Unhealthy narcissism has injected itself into just about everything. It's really hard to face the difficulties in the world while feeling so broken and incapable. I hope that you can find ways to challenge some of the ideas you have about yourself even if you have to compartmentalize. You've made it this far and have survived a lot even if your experience calls into question your existence. Life can make you question why the hell you're still here or were ever here if the first place if you were only going to be put through the ringer.
Life is up and down and full of disappointments and challenges and you have to keep fighting to be resilient when you don't have any fight left. I wish I could provide you with rest because it sounds like you could really use a break.
I feel like I'm very surface level to most people, one dimensional. I say and do and act how I feel I should in any given setting. A social chameleon if you will, only realised this was an issue recently. I hope you find someone that makes you feel understood, friend or partner and you can maybe feel your true self shine through. You're not alone and I hope all the comments prove it. Find your happy.
im finally at that place where i am not putting on a mask. but the thing is, i am usually not feeling like being social or go out and try to have friends because it doesnt bring any 'joy'/'enjoyment'.. it brings anxiety, awkwardness, sadness, etc .. so why would my brain want that? but the thing is, that if i dont actually go out and get it (i am a guy) then nothing will happen. but something happening and something not happening is practically the same to my brain. i will still feel like crap.
right now, i cant tell if me isolating is a positive step in the right direction or a negative step in a life of loneliness and being alone. on the one hand i am glad that i am not living 'for other people' but now i am not living for anyone.. so whats the result?
but maybe this is a phase.. maybe i have to get through living for noone to get to the part where i am living for myself? i dont really know..
I get it. It is so incredibly isolating.
I do have a few people in my life that know maybe 20% of what goes on with me. I just don’t think they could handle anymore and telling them more wouldn’t help me either… so I just keep it all in.
I’ve found that people can “accept” it, as in listen and go “okay”, but it seems like no one really… cares? Like all I want is for the people close to me to learn what it’s like and treat me like I have it, and care for me based on that. Like notice when I’ve been triggered and have empathy, and try not to do extremely triggering things.
Some people have been like that and I will love and care for them forever because it’s so rare. But the moment when you have the first attack and the new person you’re close to freaks out and ignores it, doesn’t care, or gets mad at you is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. And it seems like that’s most peoples’ reaction.
i think there is also a element of:
me>i show you my pain
them>i show you my pain
me>here is my pain
them>here is my pain
me>ok here is your pain
i feel like there is an epidemic of unseen pain for ALOT of people. so they are not even at that point of holding the pain.. they just have this 'competition' is a sense.. or it seems like a competition. that in response to your pain, they tell you something else that is painful... in a way to dismiss it.. but imo i think its because their own pain is not seen and prob has never been seen in their own lives. so, then you end up becoming the person who holds their pain but no one does it for you funnily enough.
That's what hurts me the most. If I tell you in great detail how and why I will react a certain way, then why do you then use my reaction against me ? I dont expect people to not have issues with me, but I cant grasp why no one can just put a little effort and empathy into how they react to me as well? It sucks feeling like you're not anyone's priority.
It's because it's uncomfortably close to their own reality and they can't cope with that. But we as trauma survivors should not expect others to hold our pain, unless they are trained to. It's a sensation of, I can't fix it, so I must avoid it.
I let that mask fall once to be completely vulnerable with someone, not realizing they had malignant NPD. He messed me up worse than the pedophile did. If you can go so long pretending to understand and care while simultaneously demeaning me and then eventually weaponizing what I went through when it becomes convenient, how am I supposed to trust anyone? It took three years for his mask to drop. I'm supposed to wait three years to be myself with someone? That's just not possible.
Narcissists are the worst. One of the absolute worst disorders to have.
I’ve often pondered why society doesn’t like people with trauma. I think it’s because everybody is so filled with trauma.
Maybe not the exact same type that we have, but enough so that when people hear something traumatic, it upsets them.
It’s exhausting, having to train myself to avoid trauma dumping, just in order to fit in with regular people. But it’s something that I’ve had to do. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and I will continue making them
And when you do show some cracks of the real you, you can just feel how uncomfortable and disgusted people are. It happened yesterday to me at the physical therapy session for my fucked up hand. She has nothing to do with any psychological stuff for me yet keeps pushing those buttons again and again until I snapped. We kinda „resolved“ the situation but I don’t want to go back. I just know she will gossip about me come Monday with her colleagues. They either ignore us or keep pushing for us to „be real“ and then we are the freaks again. I’d rather never speak to people irl again. I hate them
Even family will cause pain.
especially family
I'm feeling this heavily today. I wish I could give y'all a hug and speak to y'all in person.
Yup, I go isolated but want contact but once I get close I want isolated again
I don't trust people AND can't believe I am lovable.
I don’t trust anybody enough to marry them.
Damn. Why can’t we trust? I’m in a new relationship after ages of not having anyone. He regulates me and I’m afraid of that. I’m afraid that when we are apart I start to get insecure and thinking about all the reasons why he might not love me the next time we see each other; even tho he has not shown any signs of that. And then I see him and he’s his lovable self. Making me feel loved and the anxiousness goes away. I get calm because of how he behaves and I don’t like that. I don’t want to have these thoughts when we’re not together and I don’t want my peace to depend on how he chooses to behave.
I totally feel your comment of not trusting enough to get to marriage. I so want a long-term loving relationship that gets to the marriage part but my trust issues could ruin it before then. I worked on myself enough to feel good enough to start dating and getting into a relationship with someone is pressure testing all that work.
Of course there’s a mask! I’ve shown more than ever before but I still try to pretend I’m “normal”. I think I do it because I want a normal life.
A lot of your post is what I've internalized... and I believe that thinking has always attracted me to cluster B relationships. I sensed they were traumatized and lonely too... thought they were harmless like me. Turns out they were much milder forms of abusers I had grown up with.
I've made a point to reconnect with all my love ones. It helps to slowly heal that feeling people don't know and understand me.
Isolation is a form of self-harm after a certain point....we need to be connected to other humans to survive and for a quality life. I am also convinced that is how we heal CPTSD
Feels like I wrote this, I go through periods of wanting to be social to change it and then periods where I isolate myself off because I burnt out my social battery. I have a few people that know 'me' but I'd be lying if I still didn't mask a little despite knowing them for years. I just feel like I need very little from people because I grew up being my own parent basically so reaching out for emotional support is just more difficult than helpful, I never get what I need and I end up disappointed, self soothing just makes more sense. Working hospo and indulging in my own hobbies helped a lot, I don't really care what people think anymore. I know it's over mentioned but the gym really is a life changer in perspective and self love, if you aren't going already I really vouch for it.
it is so extremly isolating. i try forming relationships and building friendships. but either the people i resonate with are equally traumatized and act out in some problematic way (e.g. substance addictions) or it doesn't work out cause i get triggered or peope just abandon me, which is not even only their fault, since i get really triggered by people, are hypercritical and frequently very depressed, so s/ very much fun to be around. i can't work cause of myTrauma symptoms, i have ended all but one friemdship, since i got sober and am in recovery which leaves me extremly isolated and lonely since 2years before the pandemic. i've tried building relationships on a plantonic level since then, but they all screwed me over in one way or another. 3times i had Friends becoming ambivalent and flirty and then when i gave in they changed their mind, cause apparently i only attract avoident asses. if it wasn't for my ACA meetings i'd go completly nuts.
I feel misunderstood all the time, and I actually just joined this sub to try and find resources for it, so I'm happy to see this post. No matter how hard I try to communicate clearly and politely online (sadly, where most of my social interactions take place these days) someone I really respect misunderstood me yesterday and now I can't stop ruminating on how dumb I feel about the whole thing ~ even though the rational part of my brain knows it's seriously not that serious, but the CPSTD doesn't wanna give it up.
People see what they get with me from the start,I try to be as open as possible about who I am,it's taken me years,but I figure better to get it out in the beginning, I am diagnosed with cptsd and did ,I have been in therapy since I was 6 I am now 58 ,been married 3 times and have 3 children!
God i'm right there with you. I literally had to walk away from a discord support group because i can't stop making people uncomfortable. i really wish i hadn't hoped for anything more than a passing acquaintanceship, but like always i went and let myself think i'd found a home.
I think the world just needs wanderers.
You said this better than I have ever been able to and I am so sorry that you know it so intimately to capture the mechanism and feeling perfectly
I could have written this word for word. You are so not alone on this.
I have been hurt in this way in the past and i never want to be again.
Well...the last guy I tried to date, after opening up to him about a few of my traumatic events in life, said "wow.....it's going to be weird being the sane one in a relationship ". He didn't last long after that.
Worse than this, people assume I'm a shithead because I'm not sociable enough. All because I anticipate the shitstorm and I don't want to fake convos or be judge as "the dude with neverending problems" I'm now "the dude I avoid because he's distant".
You overcome grief and psychiatric illness on your own and you end up even more alone than people who still have everything they need in life.
Stacking penalties.
I’ve ended up a rather empathetic person, people tend to gravitate towards me because of that. I can listen and help, but on those tough days where my mind is stuck repeating unspeakable horrors, I can’t talk to anyone because, well the shit I’ve been through is unspeakable and folks can’t handle being around someone that has been through the shit I have. It’s to much for most people to even comprehend. If I had to guess, they probably feel a mix of guilt/shame as they try to compare their hurt to the trauma I’ve known.
I will tell my entire story to anybody that needs to hear it,so they know they are not alone and that you can make it through this
Can relate, I have Autism and also Complex PTSD so I tend to mask a lot. This is where I believe that Autism and C-PTSD blend together because I was bullied and abused for being me and now I hold back who I am with everyone including those who are close to me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only really me when I'm triggered or in extreme distress. I feel like I can't stop masking or holding myself back under other circumstances even when I desperately want to
Totally how I feel also. Thanks for your post.
Agreed
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I have found a lot of social connection in online recovery groups. I hope for more in the future, but for now it's a hell of a lot better than nothing. And the people are just as weird and awkward as me.
Which groups do you suggest?
I constantly feel alone. And am convinced I am truly alone.
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I felt like this until I met my bf during a very traumatic time in my life. He would call me up and take me out to distract me from all the bad thoughts in my head. I had huge walls up but he was very patient. I've had so many injuries and health issues and he has been very supportive and took care of me. I feel lucky to have found him after all the abusive men I've been with in the past. I worry every day he is going to die in some accident and I will be alone again.
100%
It’s hard to talk about or to try and relate to people because they just think you’re weird or crazy.
And it’s hard to trust people PERIOD. So you just don’t develop close relationships.
Why do you think it is that society doesn't like people with trauma?
And trying to engage new relationships is hard as hell. Either you don't want to show your true self yet because you're afraid to be hurt, and then you're seen as distant. Or you tell them about what's going on and they think of you as weird and unstable.
Oh well, back to my lonely but trusty maladaptive daydreaming relationships