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I have found that being able to bond over shared cultural experiences - both traumatic and non-traumatic - can be important to feel close in a relationship, be that friendship or otherwise.
I was out with friends last night, to celebrate one friend returning from a long trip, and we got into talking about our CPTSD. (In this close knit circle of friends, every single one of us has a diagnosis of PTSD and all of our traumas are complex and we all have institutional childhood trauma.) We were not trauma bonding, but talking about how we experience PTSD, what it’s like to have completely different responses to stimuli than the people around us.
All of my successful romantic relationships have been with people who also have toxic families and have experienced religious trauma and childhood neglect. When I am trying to date someone without those experiences, it’s like I am speaking Greek. It turns into “Everyone had some bad experiences in their childhood,” “I am sure your parents truly love you,” “It couldn’t have been that bad,” “I don’t understand why you’re angry about that,” etc.
Ironically, even when I don’t know the other person has some trauma, those tend to be the people I am drawn to. I currently have an undefined long distance relationship - it started out as sexting during the lockdown and we have been slowly moving toward a FWB relationship by building friendships. Becoming Facebook friends was a Big Step and we were shocked to realize we have overlapping social circles despite living almost 4,000 miles apart. And that’s when he opened about his religious trauma and some childhood stuff because it was pretty obvious we have been using the same resources and institutions to try to heal.
where did you meet these friends? i constantly feel like i’ve been in sea holding onto debris from a shipwreck just trying to keep my head above water my whole adult life, i couldn’t imagine have a close knit group who can understand
Honestly? By putting myself out there.
There are a lot of people I thought would be friends and weren’t. I had to learn to let them go.
At this point in time, no. I’m being very selfish and taking time alone to heal. I find being around *unhealthy people upsetting and it reverses my progress.
People who have addictions, are emotionally immature or very negative. No judgment meant here - could or could not include someone with CPTSD.
Definitely. To be honest I can't imagine dating a normal person, because trauma is all I know. There's an immediate disconnect between me and anyone who hasn't been traumatised daily for most of their life.
Like what would you even talk about?
As long as they are actively addressing their illness and not in denial and participating in the relationship then absolutely
I did but it didn't work out. Personally I need a calm, not anxious partner. We both had some anger issues.
I'm someone that hasn't been able to, in the past. I experienced family mobbing and it's too triggering for me to try to get close to someone with a similar background.
Yet I tend to only be attracted to people with a similar background, especially when they are abusive/narcissistic/etc. This is another reason why it's hard to give another survivor a chance. They surround themselves with the most awful people, or there's always something about the situation that's a huge trigger. I just can't.
Not saying it can't be done and work or that you shouldn't. But I know that I lean towards not wanting to. Your question is really interesting because if I've ever experienced angst in my life it has to do with that exact issue. I'm attracted to the familiar but I'm way too traumatized to go forth.
I'm married to someone who has CPTSD from some similar traumas. It's working for us, but we use a lot of tools from therapy.
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Oh yes, I would. Totally.
I'd be careful not to overextend myself, though. I know that I'm very, very prone to overdoing it when it's about helping, because I just... I just wish I could fix people's issues and all, you know. But that's not healthy, and I cannot and shouldn't fix someone else.
Yes. My partner has trauma and CPTSD too. I think it makes us better for each other, since we’ve both done a ton of healing work, together and apart. We understand each other and our experiences have brought us closer together.
Has anyone had experiences of being in a close relationship with a "normal" person and it working out?
My wife and I both experienced abuse and neglect as children. We’ve both needed to go no-contact with our mothers as adults. We celebrate our 12 wedding anniversary this year!
Communication is vital every relationship, but when cPTSD is present for everyone in the relationship then everyone needs to do more to find the ways that trauma affects how you connect.
Yes, I would, and am. We both have similar trauma which include narcissistic abuse and neglect. I have been doing my work and so has she. She is a therapist to boot. It is so nice having someone who understands you. We have agreements on when and how to talk when we trigger each other (it’s going to happen) and can move past problems which has made out relationship stronger. It can work, with the right kind of support, and you can help each other, which can strengthen your bond. She is PACT trained, which I’m sure does help… best of luck. Here is a link to PACT… https://www.thepactinstitute.com/what-is-pact