Was/is it bad enough?

Request: Emotional Support

This is my first time using this so I hope I'm following the rules.

I remember hearing a lot of arguments. They would throw things. I was only ever hit as discipline. But I was often forced into the role of mediator. This continued with my siblings as I got older.

My dad was strict and I loved but feared him. He died when I was 12. After that I was responsible for the majority of house chores and care for my younger siblings. I was shown that my needs came last. Despite this, I was able to remain a high achiever and thought I was relatively well adjusted. All of my physical needs were met.

My mom is manipulative and controlling. She continues to be so and none of my siblings want to spend time with her. But she has latched onto me.

Until I went to medical school. Something about the strict environment where mistakes weren't acceptable really triggered me. I'm constantly afraid of making mistakes or upsetting anyone. Even my therapist.

I'm struggling with depression, panic attacks and poor focus. I'm afraid I won't be able to do my job and I've been in therapy for years. I've been diagnosed with cptsd and done EMDR a few times without improvement.

So I guess I want to know, is it bad enough? Or am I just spoiled and sensitive and that's why I can't get better? Because that's how it feels.

in CPTSDby ankhchik

100%

2.0y

Existing_Ad3672

2.0y

EMDR isn't a perfect fit for everyone ♥️ any form of cptsd is bad enough if a trauma turned into it. Healing from the triggers and stressors is what's the hardest part. I've heard ptsd can take tests to heal from let alone complex, there's so many triggers and events to heal from. You were really tested from a young age and doing what you did is hard to do. You're not spoiled and yes you may be sensitive but that's absolutely normal from cptsd ♥️

ankhchik

2.0y

I think one of the things she really did to mess me up was comparing my achievements to my siblings. They resented me for doing well. So I get nervous when I do well. And when I might fail 😬

Is there anything other than EMDR that might help?

Existing_Ad3672

2.0y

That sounds so hard to deal with. I understand though. I have high expectations for myself as well.

There's talk therapy as well, shadow work and I'm not quite sure of others yet :( I haven't done emdr but I've done talk therapy and shadow work.

sharingmyimages

2.0y

The next time that you have a panic attack, knowing Pete Walker's suggestions might make it easier for you, just as they have for me. The first one is:

Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

That's from an article on his website, "13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks", where you can find 12 more:

http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

The last one:

Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

ankhchik

1.9y

So I've started fellowship and it's precipitating some particularly terrible panic attacks and depressive episodes. People on the outside say I'm here to learn but I'm already being put into situations where I'm expected to perform, not learn.

I know I've made a huge mistake going into medicine with cptsd. Confidence never comes, just more anxiety. Does anyone else feel like this?

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2.0y

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