The biggest theme of my trauma is severe physical and social neglect,, being the scapegoat, and extreme severe social isolation and I mean very severe, not talking to parents for months despite living in the same house and not even people, and whenever I did it was negative. Since childhood and my entire teen years. It turned me into an NPC. I don't know how speaking works, but I feel trapped in this hyperobservant mindspace. Stuck in hypervigilance.
It has severely shaped my personality, I am severely socially stunted, my last trauma changed me cognitively now I have less self awareness and barely any social tact. I did go mute for a long time. I started speaking again lthis year after years and years of not doing so not being near people.. and I just feel so barren and so embarrassed of myself. I can't believe I'm allowed to be in public... I started questioning if I'm cut out for the human world.
My personality has undergone severe changes, and fundamentally I've always been the same person but my thoughts, intentions, desires, and how I interpret the world, feel my emotions, think about myself and others and my views and opinions all come from the most depraved conditions that anyone could ever imagine. As a teenager coming out of it, comprehending it all... no one ever really listened to me then either. I was blamed for everything.
My CPTSD manifests more like a personality disorder for me due to my childhood trauma being the only thing I was really experiencing as a kid. Ive gotten over it and all the stages of grief someone with trauma goes through but I'll never not feel betrayed at the fact my chance of being seen, respected, and listened to like a normal functioning human for the rest of my life has been robbed from me.
Everyday I see the scapegoat and middle child dynamic play out in my real world. I wish people would stop telling me to just move on from my trauma. It shaped me, it changed me, I developed with it, nobody ever listened to me, I was blamed for it all even for what happened when I was a kid. And still, I am not listened to and I am ignored. I am constantly replaying the dynamic out even as an adult, I speak like im trying to pretend to be human. I shutdown and my personality is unstable, I'm talking too much or I shutdown and stutters only come out. I fawn like a stupid child, I can't believe im In the workforce.
Somedays I feel like I was shunned away from society in the first place for a reason, as a child I was impoverished, disgusting and severely physically disgusted and that's why adults and kids hated me so much and never told anyone or cps that I needed help. They were all so venomous to me as a child because they knew there was something wrong with my heart, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Somedays at work, I feel like I shouldn't be here.. like I should be handcuffed, tied up, and thrown into a padded cell forever to rot.
I was not invited and welcomed into society and sometimes I feel like everyone was right to not welcome me. I'm physically a human but my soul is empty of a person.