Does anyone else find themselves aching with the feeling of needing, "mom", except not your mother? A well-adjusted, loving mother. The concept of a mother, perhaps.
Ouff, yes. I am constantly looking for a viable big brother.
Little brother but yeah :(
I have a hole in my heart that my older brother has never truly cared about me and has rejected me my entire life. And now his wife and kids are learning that behavior from him— that I should just be ignored. It’s truly heartbreaking.
My older brother has always made me feel unwanted. He usually comes around when he needs something, whether it's empathy or money. Because of the abuse my mom brought, my younger brother doesn't talk to the family... no one's dealt with their issues. I miss having a sense of family
Me too. My sister was my main abuser.
I understand how you feel about sisters. My sister was my best friend and helped to take care of me, and when I was 14, she turned on me. It was very traumatic.
My sister was the best sister in the world and then she turned on me. She's a constant antagonist, liar, and hateful presence.
I am very sorry to hear this. My sister is a narcissist. She is 9 years older than me. No one believed me about her behavior due to the age difference. She has extreme jealousy and sibling rivalry. What happened when she turned on me was my aunt who is also a narcissist was doing Munchausens by Proxy during the summer of 2015. My sister complied with my aunt and put iron pills in my drinks. I found out that it was iron pills 4 years later after I needed to take iron pills for my periods and I looked up the symptoms of overdose and saw that these were the exact same symptoms that I was experiencing. First my aunt and my sister were having me thinking I was going to die and then 2 months My sister was gaslighting me and telling me "No, this is just anxiety. You're not going to die."
It really was a betrayal and I feel like an older sister is supposed to protect their younger siblings and not put them in danger.
Just awful. I'm so sorry.
Nobody in my family believes me. They think that I am a paranoid schizophrenic. I had to realize that it was my sister who is crazy because she is a narcissist. My mom believes me, but she has no idea how to cope with this and accept that this is her child. She is in denial sometimes.
I still have to see her and my aunt sometimes and pretend like they never did this. What is even more sad is that they did it around my birthday.
I felt like I needed to get this out. I haven't been able to afford therapy. What I went through doesn't deflect whatever your sister did.
💜💜💜
Same
Same. I want to adopt a big sister
Someone called me pumpkin in a comment on here and it just felt like this person gave me a big warm mum hug 🥹🥹 so to answer your question.. yes lol
And you are pumpkin 🧡
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1mo
Me too, it’s like a void that has to be filled. I’ll take any kindness from almost any ”mum” because I need it so much.
I look for mums everywhere, constantly
I know what you mean. I recently read something about attachment theory, where children who have I believe a disorganized attachment react the same way to their mother re-entering a room as they do to a stranger, which I interpreted to mean the child needs to quickly form a bond with *someone because she recognizes the dire nature of her situation.
devastating.
Me too. Its like that meme with the butterfly perching on his hand but my brain is like, 'is this a mother?' Every time I have a nurturing female friend in my life, even ones that are a decade younger than me bc I'm an older milennial, part of my brain will always be looking for that. Does not happen with men even though I arguably had less of a father.
Same here
Yeah same, and I see people acting like moms to other people, but they do not extend the same grace, or nurturing to me. Makes me feel like…what is it about me that makes people think I don’t want, need, or maybe even deserve that too?
And! What is it in others that makes people connect to them and nurture them? What is that part that I don’t have and how can I get it? Can I get it even?
Like is there a big flashing sign hanging over me saying ‘don’t bother with this one, all set doesn’t have needs, and doesn’t deserve it anyway, spend your love and care on someone who really needs it and actually be meaner to this one’ lol I’m joking kind of but dang it really feels this way sometimes
Geez I relate to having that sign
Befriend someone older who is willing to sort of adopt you and act like a parent figure to you. It really helps. I have an adoptive father Literally speaks to me like he's my dad all the time, complains that I need to finish school, etc. the other day we were out and someone asked is that your daughter and he said yes she's my daughter 🥲🥲🥲
how does one do this😭
I got a dog. It turns out that a lot of senior women have small dogs and walk them regularly. It’s been really fun getting to know women in their 70s+. They can be a little motherly but are also worldly enough to not want to be your caretaker. I’m a big fan now!
i did this in high school and she ended up having an affair with my father 💔
Yikes that's terrible sorry to hear. Yeah there's a lot of creepy people that take advantage of people like us who are looking for parental figures/never had parental figures in our lives, one has to be very discerning about this unfortunately...not that u can always predict what someone's motives are:/
There's a good book on this called "Mother Hunger."
Dang. Gonna go buy this today. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you
Yes, I do.
Whole family Real friends Authentic community Non toxic country
The works.
Yes please, I want all of that too
My life would have been SO much easier and painless if I'd had someone genuinely looking out and caring for me
My mom died last year, and I find my primary mourning is about the lifelong lack of a caring, loving, healthy, kind, nurturing mother. I do miss her but my memories are always overwhelmed by her cruelty and coldness. I get so jealous when people in griefsupport post pictures of their dead moms and they say things like how wonderful she was, "she was my best friend," and "how am I supposed to live without her?" I wish I could write a post like that and feel like a terrible person being jealous of others' mourning.
My mother has dementia and this is how I feel. People are sympathetic because they assume I feel they way they would if they were losing their mother. I wish I did. I've come think that grieving a loved one is a sort of privilege- you got to have that loving relationship. It's worth it even when you lose them. I am jealous of people that had that.
You’re not a terrible person. Complicated grief is hard, I have the same thing with my dad. I’ll forever miss him and then immediately remember it wasn’t even safe to be in contact with him. And no child should have to deal with that.
It’s not a terrible thing to be jealous like that
Yes, in every older woman I meet. I end up thinking about interactions with receptionists, psychiatrists, shopkeepers, bus drivers for a few hours if they happen to be a woman and nice to me, and I still feel this childlike excitement by being “accepted” by them.
Every time I cry I yearn for a mother to hug me or hold me. Not my mum, just any.
I will always think “I truly deserved loving, caring, smart parents” because that’s the person I have turned into despite my disgusting 🤢 upbringing
Life family but not like family.
That’s how I feel about my dad. I want so badly for him to be the dad I needed. But I CRAVE that father-daughter relationship with someone who can actually provide it. I definitely understand how women end up with “daddy issues,” because when older men treat you with basic respect and kindness after years of abuse it’s like a cold drink of water after 18 years in the desert. I have to be really careful not to immediately attach myself to every older man who treats me with basic human decency lol.
But yeah, I understand feeling that way about a parent. I’m trying to “be my own parent” but it’s not the same and sometimes thinking of it that way just hurts even more. Like yes, I can parent myself, but I shouldn’t have to. That was never supposed to be my job. I’m not even having kids because I so badly do NOT want to be a parent! I was parentified for my whole childhood, and now you’re telling me I have to do it AGAIN??? It sucks.
We need more community/“third places” where old and young adults can interact. Especially with religion falling out of fashion, I think in many ways that is a good thing, but also, until very recently the church was the center of the community and brought people together, and on a standing schedule (every Sunday). I don’t think I could ever go back to Christianity (or really any organized religion) but god I miss church, just for getting me out of the house and talking to people once a week. It’s hard because spiritualism is so important for many people’s mental well-being, but organized religion really ostracizes a lot of people. Even with “progressive” churches I don’t really trust it as a gay person because I know historically how Christians have treated gay people and talked about them. It’s the main reason I left church in the first place and a big part of my trauma (my dad was homophobic and forced us to go to a strict evangelical church every week when I was young, waaaay before I knew anything about my sexuality).
"I’m trying to “be my own parent” but it’s not the same and sometimes thinking of it that way just hurts even more. Like yes, I can parent myself, but I shouldn’t have to. That was never supposed to be my job. I’m not even having kids because I so badly do NOT want to be a parent! I was parentified for my whole childhood, and now you’re telling me I have to do it AGAIN??? It sucks."
Reading this was really crazy, I said this almost word for word to my therapist before. It was like reading my own words, I knew exactly what I was coming next
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1mo
I totally agree, I'm in the same position. I think, in fact, that many of the "mental health tools" that are commonly recommended work for people with minor traumas only and don't apply to those with CPTSD.
Yeah I want a church but without the abuse
exactly! i wish i felt safe going to church but too many ignorant clout chasers only there for appearances and they ruin the experience for everyone else.
Definitely.
I’m 52 and I do every day. What would it be like to have a mom that’s fun and your friend instead of a mass of criticism and politics.
I'm 59 but feel exactly the same.
Oof yes. If there’s an older lady anywhere I’ve worked, or an older medical person, even just someone my age who’s kind of mothering I want to latch on to them. They should do a rent-a-mother service.
Apparently in Japan you can rent a grandma. I wish that was a thing in the west
I pay my therapist to act like my mom and we both know it. We talk about it frequently. It’s sad but she has given me more in the last 5-6 years than my mother gave me for my entire life.
Sounds like a great therapist! Good for you.
A few days back my therapist told me that I am like her baby, but I know it's a void that is never going to be filled. It's just the fact that I need to accept and live with it.
Oh yes. The mother wound. It hurts so much and it colors your experience of the world so much.
I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't have, never had and will never get a "mom" the way most others do. She was full of her own trauma and then too busy mothering my other high needs siblings, and that choice made me shut down to her decades ago. I had to to survive. There was no loving, consistent showing up from her, and I can never trust her when she tries (which these days is extremely rare). So I get silence, disinterest, inconsistent texts, lack of connection and care, playing favorites and family narratives of "closeness" that directly contradict her behavior instead of a mom that shows up and that cares. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be special and important to her.
Having come through the ambiguous grief of that realization, I now meet that human desire to just be loved by the person that birthed them with compassion and kindness. To long for a mom is to be human. It is literally how we survive as babies. It shouldn't go away and the wound will always be there.
But now I get to be that mom to myself. I get to tell myself the things I never heard. Just today, I've been telling myself how proud of myself I am - I've recently quit a big leadership job because it's toxic and I simply need a break, and I'm so damn proud of myself for that. It's taken bravery, self belief, self conviction, things my own mother never had, and never could respect in me. In a few weeks I'll marry the best man i've ever met who has truly taught me what love looks like, in its quiet consistency and acceptance of me, and my mom never managed to find the same loving partner for herself, so can't celebrate how huge that is for me. But I can. I can be proud of surviving her, of raising myself, of having all of these bold, brave, open qualities that she scapegoated me for, but that have enriched my life so much.
🏆. You have the best attitude! I am also reparenting, but I don’t find any joy in it. Congratulations on your wedding!
This is why I can't find (or at least feel I can't find) a romantic relationship. Because I think I'm ultimately just looking for someone to care about me and tend to my emotional needs and never leave me. But in a parental sort of way... I dont know.
I can't help but feel that it's pretty common for people to be approaching relationships in this same way... but without realizing it. Trying to fulfill the human needs that were lacking in childhood and/or are currently lacking.
Is it wrong to use relationships in this way? Is it possible to be honest about needing these things in a relationship, and find someone who that works for, who can and will provide these things? For whom your own traits can provide what they're lacking?
Is this what relationships really are, and you're just not supposed to talk about it in this way?
I really don't understand the whole thing anymore.
absolutely. my husband literally said to me "i will be your mother and father". ❤
If you're okay with talking about it, what does that entail/what does it look like? What sort of unmet needs of yours are addressed, how are they addressed, and does it feel like a healthy thing?
when we started dating, i noticed that he would always pick me up, drive me everywhere i had to go, different to other relationships before. i felt sooo protected. coming from relationships with more avoidant and self centered people this felt like coming home to a warm protected world.
he told me, he had relationship problems before with being too "confiscating". for me, this was never a problem! i loved how he made me feel taken care of and considered.
we have an "old fashioned relationship" where he works full time and makes most of the money, i work part time. he pays almost everything, i do almost all the housekeeping and cooking. we are both ok with this.
he feels responsible for all money related stuff and technical things, and i love to "make the house a home". we have a dog, and we like to travel, were i do most of the planning and packing.
i trust him and he trusts me. i think, our relationship makes both of us feel save and needed.
we love each other very much, and we both cry when we imagine that one of us dies.
maybe i should mention we are both in our 50, we were in our early 40 when we met.
Awww that's beautiful ❤️. I'm so glad that you've found something that works so well for the both of you 🫂
I didn't realise I was longing for a family until I started connecting with my partners family. The other day they said, "you're family." So I took my silly ass to the bedroom and cried because my own family sided with the man who abused me.
Constantly. They don't have to ahve the answers, but just be willing to hear me ask the question. I have nobody really to just listen and I'm tired and exhausted being an orphan doing it all while having trauma and neurodivergence
I’m also stuck in hell and not healing 😞
There is actually a sub where folks post their things for “mom” and random moms reply sweetly. I can’t recall the name - but it had mom in it - anyone know?
Absolutely cannot recommend the momforaminute sub - they don't offer support for people like us. I've tried numerous times and have had most of my posts removed when asking for any kind of emotional support.
They can help you if you need advice on what wedding dress to wear, or basics like that, but nothing beyond that.
Edit: the dad version was even worse.
I'm really sorry that's been your experience. i have gotten support there
I forgot about that subreddit, thank you! There's also one for dads!
I want a mom so freaking bad. The one I have was never there for me, ever. I daydream about having a good mother, or even just a mother that's actually present. I don't need her to be perfect, just available. I want that so so so bad. I want to be comforted. I want to be hugged. I want to be loved. All I have is myself and I'm just not good enough. I've never been good enough or maybe the mother I have would have loved me
It's terribly sad that we blame ourselves for the neglect and abuse we suffered from our Mother's. I always think - would I neglect and abuse a child because "they weren't good enough". Never. And that's how I know that it was never our fault. It may not have been entirely their fault either (they may have had trauma that affected their ability to connect), but it certainly was not our fault.
Absolutely. I actually wish for someone to literally roleplay a healthy and/or truly loving mother child relationship with me while also providing what a good mother to a grown man should be like. In fact, I literally want someone with whom I can engage in mommy kink play, because even though my mom didn’t turn on me until I was in 2nd grade and didn’t truly turn on me until teen years (with her biggest offenses behind right at the dawn of adult life), I actually want someone whom I can even have some breast play with even though my age play desire only go down to a middle to high school range. I just want a mother who can sit with me and help me experience something resembling a secure and happy childhood without being treated as the identified patient of a sick family system anchored by a severely depressed woman who scapegoats me for her professional and health problems while berating me for not upholding a culture that only made me a target.
Yes for sure. but ironically I see my mother doing the same thing, and over the span of my lifetime she has had many "mother" figures that she has relied on, only to end up falling out and with them. She forms flimsy alliances with people, I think searching for that replacement mother, but she is narcissistic and thus ends up hating everyone.
So I make a point to not do that. I'll just be psychologically orphaned. My hope is that one day someone will someone will come along that I can really trust to be that sort of mother figure, to offer me sound advice and empathy.
Psychologically orphaned is basically how I always think of myself
Yes this so much of this. I desperately wish I could have a family without all the pain. It hurts so much to be crying for mom with one you cant rely on right there. Wanting to be held by a mom or comforted by a father is such a primal desire it's almost impossible to dismiss. I've heard of some people finding found families and being adopted into an older person's life to form that which sounds nice. It sucks that it's necessary at all though.
Mothering and fathering myself as an adult have been the most powerful things I’ve ever done. I imagine the kind of mother and father that I wanted to have and I behave in those ways toward myself as much as possible. I also offer help to younger people in my life in a way that I find to be attentive and present. This has helped me a lot. I haven’t been in contact with my parents for over six months and it was really hard. At first I really missed talking to my mom but then I remembered that when we talk there are all of these little ignoring‘s of me and all of these little jabs and dismissals and denial and I am invisible. I really wish that she could have the attentiveness and self honesty and honesty that I have cultivated. Being an adult and learning the traits of motherhood and fatherhood that I wished I had has made me a better person. Are used to seek parental guidance from external sources and mentors but over the past six months I realize that I don’t need them as much anymore. I’ve had mother figures and father figures who also really disappoint me as well because they aren’t actually the mother and father that were assigned to me at birth. I will always want my mother and father to Be different people and I will always wish that they could have embodied the things I’m learning to embody. But by stopping looking for mothers and fathers externally I’ve given myself a great gift.
Mother, father, and sibling. A whole new family.
All the time
i declared Dr. Lindsay Gibson as my online surrogate mom to myself :)) i learned so much from reading her stuff, listening to her on yt, can only recommend.
Yes, so sorry. There’s a book called — Mother Hunger. It might be helpful
Yeah, I've seen a lot of "Screen Surrogates" in my time, from Xena: Warrior Princess to Anne Reardon on YouTube. Sometimes it feels comforting to watch media that depicts "loving mothers", but inevitably results in a breakdown when I remember why I was watching, why it made me feel better, and why I'll never actually have a REAL loving mother in my lifetime.
Yeah, this post was actually triggered by a scene from Mamma Mia :')
Yeah. I watch parenting skits of loving parents on TT and yt. The foster parent is good, bcuz she’s all about respecting children, anticipating their needs, advocating for them, gentle parenting. Just watching makes you feel warm.
I get my platonic snuggles from friends and pets. Yes, it took me a long time (more than a decade) to be comfortable with platonic physical affection. It can be done and is worth it.
I do. And I don’t grieve my father who died, I grieve the father I never had and did deserve
yes all the time baby
Yes, for any family
On multiple occasions, i unironically thought of a random person i barely interacted with "please adopt me". It could be a random mom in the supermarket calmly calming their child down or a teacher or whatever. I'm 22 anf apparently normal people don't do that at all (like not even as children).
Yes im sorry OP. That ache is a terrible pain.
Yes, I've learned that Mother Earth is my mom. When I'm hiking or backpacking or gardening, especially when I'm alone, I feel loved and at home. It's not quite the human connection I was looking for but it honestly helps a lot.
I was just feeling this recently. I really want to get somebody supportive to actively listen, give me a hug, send me a warm smile. Unfortunately, that is not my mum nor my wife, is painfully sad to see I will not get that in my own home.
I am healing my relationship with my mother, and I was there. I was yearning for a loving, warm and engaged mother, someone who would call me every day just to chat about buying new shoes or ask me what I'm having for dinner. You have to kind of 'digest' that it'll never happen. And that you are stuck with what you have. 🌙
so much
my actual mother has gone completely batty (dementia) and she's even meaner and more manipulative now than she was when she was all there.
i listen to people who talk about missing their mothers and i wonder... hmmm what would that be like.
It’s kinda why I hate Mother’s Day. All these ads about getting a gift, social media posts appreciating how great their mom is (I know a lot of the time these posts are just for show). It’s just a reminder that I’ve never had that and never will.
Every. Fucking. Day.
Yes. I have a lotta I-need-my-mom moments but then I remember the reality
I got really scared about something medical several weeks ago and texted my mom outta that instinct for a mom, and of course was met with the typical disinterest, downplaying, and complete lack of comfort. I mentioned it in passing to a friend who knows my situation and her immediate response was, "you went to YOUR mom? That's how you know it's bad."
I’m sorry. I hope everything is okay medically and emotionally. It sucks you can’t go to your mom for stuff like that.
Yes. I had a couple women my mom's age I liked but they took advantage of me ( one was my boss), so I stopped searching and get wary anytime anyone tells me they think of me like a daughter lol.
yes. anytime i’m watching a show and there’s a kind woman character i’m like ‘damn, i wish she was my mom’. currently watching greys anatomy for the first time and i can’t even express how much i wish bailey was my mom. 😭 i think one hug from her would solve all my problems lmao
Growing up as the youngest and only girl with two older brothers, people were constantly telling me how lucky I was to have them looking out for me. One of them was sexually abusing me for most of my childhood, and when my mom found out she blamed me. I'd like a whole new family, one who actually cares and looks out for me - even when it's inconvenient or painful.
Yes. Not the one I had (who is still alive out there but chose her pedo hubby over me, who abused me at every turn most of my life before letting him in to do damage in new and even more damaging ways).
I miss the mom who should have fed me healthy food. Who should have told me I was enough. Who should have had menstrual products on hand when my first period came. Who should have cared and worried when I was sick, not just cared when she could get attention for it. Who should have protected me from a predator instead of handing me off to one. Who should have taken me bra shopping instead of me always hiding my breasts and my dad, late one night at age 12 vaguely pointing at my chest and saying I needed "to do something about those". Who would have loved my children, been proud of me, been there for us. I miss the TV mom, the Hallmark card mom (you know the one that every mother's day card is meant for because the sentiment is perfect... Not mine where I had to read dozens of cards before I could find one without a sentiment or that was humourous to gloss over that she wasn't a good mother?).
I feel this every single day. I fear my window has closed for having some sort of parental figure, someone who will love me unconditionally and will always welcome me with open arms. I’ve never experienced that in my life.
This is exactly how I feel. I desperately want a family but not my family and all of the trauma (plus other things) are why I'm childfree.
YES I've had this exact discussion with a friend recently and it hurts so much to know she's there but she'll never be the mom I need, ever. That and my sisters. I want older sisters but not my older sisters.
Hahahaha this is too relatable 😔😔🥹.
Yeah. I’ll never see my bio mother again and it’s for the Betsy she’s not a good person at all and I get sad around this time seeing everyone and everything preparing for Mother’s Day. I see people with normal, healthy living relationships and just think’ I wish I’d had that..’.
Absolutely! I call my mom mom. My idealized version of a nurturing female parent is mommy. It helps my brain separate out what I have from what I need/want.
Yes. Now my mother has died a few months ago. It feels easier. I’m not grieving the death of someone still living who isn’t “mom”. Now that she’s gone I’m not also constantly living with anxiety/shame of setting boundaries from fFFaaAAAaMMily, but finding I can move on better.
ETA- especially since my mom was on hospice, I’ve found my MIL intolerable. She’s not as bad as my mom, but has some oddities. But I just have zero patience for it now.
Yes:) If I were to guess, that ache will always be there. I think that need is almost innate to being a human from like an evolutionary perspective, and remains a “hole” in us that we learn to relate to and do our best to support ourselves with the pain of over time. Day by day, year by year, I have hope it will dissipate, in general.
With that said, I also have a theory: if some special magic made our own mothers immediately become “perfect” (ie, supportive, unconditionally loving, validating, etc) when we woke up tomorrow, I honestly don’t know if that could fix the ache. As in, as brutal and unfair as it is, I think that the damage done to abused kids while they grew up becomes a massive aspect of who they are forever. It doesn’t mean we are broken, we just bare more pain and trauma than others, and we have to do so much more work to feel anywhere near the same amount of peace that everyone else just has. But, this theory also means we don’t actually need another person/mother figure to “fix” us. It is a heartbreaking but - imo - true reality that we are the only ones who can help to reduce the pain we are in, day by day.
Oh yeah, I say to myself often "I wish I had a mom " and I felt guilty because my mom is alive but I can never trust or have her close after the things she's done. There's so many difficult moments where I wish I could have a healthy mother's support. The difference it would make would be major
I remember feeling this way as a child. And a teenager. And an adult.
Yes
I know this is still controversial but I have used psychedelic mushrooms in a very safe, careful, therapeutic way. And it was the first time in my life that I felt like I started to heal the mother wound. I felt like I actually tapped into the Mother as universe. I know it sounds very kooky but the feeling was like being hugged by a mother that loved you. It's really hard to explain but it was deeply transformative. For like the first time in my whole life my body felt relaxed. I realized that I was in chronic fight or flight because of my childhood abuse. And it was the most beautiful feeling ever. It made me realize that I could feel that way. And so I began to practice finding whatever made me feel safe in this world., Cultivating friendships and my home environment to elicit that kind of safe and content feeling.
I absolutely feel you. ❤️🩹 I’m not sure if I can link other groups here but I highly recommend checking out MomForAMinute. My first time visiting it I cried. The people there are so loving and caring.
Yep, I need one badly
I want a mom (not the one I have) and a big brother
Literally same.
Yes. I turn 40 next month, and I genuinely wish I could get life advice and celebrate with a woman who's already been through it, sees how hard I've worked, and can help me navigate through life. I've done well for myself, but I've clawed through my trauma to get here. Mom will have passed away 3 years ago May 30th. With her passing, I lose all hope for the mother I desperately needed as a kid and wished her to be as an adult. I got a really good job a couple months ago, and today I thought how I wish I had a mom here who could tell me she was proud. Idk why, I think I'll always long to have a mom.
This is so real.
You just literally described my feelings
Fuck this is so depressing how much I relate to y'all's comments
My friends mom tucked me into her guest room bed while I was staying over her parents house in SF ring shopping for her wedding. I legit teared up and grieved. Took everything in me not to break down right then and there from that small act of mothering which I never got. My mom didn't even want me to breathe on her when I was younger and slept in the same bed as her.
Yes. It’s all I need rn.
There’s a sub called Mom for a Minute which helps to scratch this itch!
I really don't recommend that sub, it failed me numerous times. Same with the dad version.
Yep. 54 and still wish I had parents.
OP, check out IPF, which is supposed to help fill this need. See r/idealparentfigures (IPF).
IFS is supposed to help reparent one’s self. See r/internalfamilysystems (IFS).
I know these things don’t replace the real thing. It’s a crime that not everyone is born to loving good parents.
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My mom is alright, I mean, she definitely didn't do everything a mother is supposed to, and I was left to fend for myself most of the time, but compared to my father, she's great. I get that with my father though, like I used to wish I'd discover that he wasn't actually my father and I would find out it was some great guy who would actually be a good, not abusive person. Now I still wish for a father, but basically have accepted that it's not gonna happen for me and I just have to find other people that will support and uplift me.
yes my ideal fiction mother is Cassie in The Good Witch. she's so comforting
I feel this way about my mum, dad and sister. They all passed away when I was 9 so I was pretty much a love deprived kid.
Yes, father, too.
Yeah, man. I love my mom but with everything I went through with her, I can’t really forgive her. I still talk to her and don’t plan on stopping, but it’s hard for me to really make the connection that she’s my mom, if that makes any sense at all. She wasn’t really a mom, more of an aunt or something.
I feel the same. I decided it was best to rarely have contact with my chosen mom to protect both of us from my narcissistic mom's shenanigans. My mom was going to harm her by any means necessary.
Yes! ALL THE TIME - when I'm triggered
Yes, I feel this so much. My mom was a monster and never did any of the caring things a maternal figure is supposed to
I seem to fall into idolizing the Molly Weasley type women; those are definitely my mama figure of choice. 😂🤷🏻♀️
When I got covid I wanted a mom so bad. I wished I could hire someone to take care of my house and pets and say nice maternal things through my door. I would have paid a pretty penny for it.
yes. i’d love for someone to mother me in the loving, nurturing ideal way that my mother could never achieve since i ruined her life by existing.
Yeah, I do.
yes..
Yeah :( I realised that a bit ago, and had a couple of breakdowns about it. It hurts, because I do love my mother, but I don't really see her as my mum, if that makes sense.
Oh yeah, of course!! Such a lonely, desperate feeling. I suck at friendships, too. So it's a double whammy for me.
Man I had to make a call yesterday for work and I was talking to an older woman and she said “I know you are a good girl” and I almost started crying. Like,,,, ouch. It was bittersweet bc I have never heard that from my own mom, but it was nice to hear at all
Yeah me too
yeah. i’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that i will never ever have a father figure in my life. it was just never in the cards for me. never gonna have a dad that is willing to protect me from the abuse. he chose his wife over me.
yeah. i’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that i will never ever have a father figure in my life. it was just never in the cards for me. never gonna have a dad that is willing to protect me from the abuse. he chose his wife over me.
Have you heard of self parenting? It's a way to meet your own emotional needs as a parent wasn't able to give you that. It's very powerful stuff.
Yea someone who would guide me and not be a rude , nasty , and snappy bitch would be lovely. I just never had that and so when I see loving mothers I am both happy and jealous.
My mom said something kind to me yesterday and I honestly don’t know how to process it. I made a joke about it but I still had questions. They went unanswered and honestly that made me feel better. I tried going no contact and I didn’t last very long. I’m so used to chasing and craving her love and acceptance that when I wasn’t I couldn’t cope with the way I felt. It was like I failed. I felt like I just needed to try harder. If I’m honest every time I speak to her I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. I hate myself. But I don’t know how to exist without her. I spent years as a child praying she would come back for me. But when she came back it was like she hated me and I ruined everything good in her life. I’ve spent so long trying to prove that I’m worth her love that I don’t know how to let go.
I am the mother I never had. That's the best I can do. There have been times I really wished I had a mom or a sister, but I got through. It just is what it is. I created community for my children, they've had it far better than I did, that's the best I can do.
I’ve tried to find a replacement but no takers. I guess that makes sense. Who wants that responsibility?
I so get this, I'm always looking for moms in my life lol. especially my older coworkers omg I never wanna disappoint an older lady I work w bc im like "that's mom ):"
Yup, feel it all the time and actually said it out loud to myself today. There’s a lot of having to be your own parent, being strong. I find that I’m able to sometimes, and it can be very healing. Other times, like today, I’m just… done, exhausted, unable to give myself anything.
But it helps me to just ‘give up’, I kind of feel like a teenager in those moments. Don’t want the responsibility & burden right now, leave me alone.
My god navigating this is so exhausting.
Honestly I don't think about it much. I guess the whole "be are on loving parent" has been so drilled into me
I actually think it would be good if I let myself experience that longing sometimes! Instead of so instantaneously going to "well I need to be my own loving parent"
I remember having this feeling really strongly maybe five or six years ago. All I wanted was for someone, basically a safe loving mom, to make me lunch and show some compassion. I was depressed and worn out from trying to do stuff about my depression. Starving but too tired to do anything about it.
A fellow survivor I felt safe with I shared the feeling vulnerably and they said they totally understood and got it... Which helped lol and maybe helped me let go of that urgent need and accept that doesn't exist for me like it doesn't exist for so many people.
I think the acceptance was good ultimately but yeah reitering my point above... I think it would be good to feel that longing and pain sometimes and remind myself that it hurts to be all alone and it hurts to be trying to do life alone.
Yes. I do this regularly. I’ll say I want my mommy. And I obviously don’t want my actual mom. But I want what a mom is supposed to be.
Can we all just be each other’s moms? Like a rotating mom group? Who is mom today? It’s a mystery.
There's a book about this, Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance https://a.co/d/bMZDpOE
Wishing everyone the chosen family they deserve 💜
yes, almost constantly. there’s this book called “mother hunger” about this.
This book has been mentioned a few times, but the description says, "an insatiable need for sex and love. Periods of overeating or starving. A pattern of unstable and painful relationships" which I don't relate to, so I'm not sure if the book will be very helpful, for me. I find I tend to lean more avoidant, and shame keeps me from pursuing most relationships...
If you've read it and think it might still be helpful, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
i’ve read a little less than half and i think it’d help anyone who shares the sentiment of wanting a mother they never had. i’m really avoidant too, and she talks a lot about what happens when you’re a baby to cause you to bond or not bond with your mother. she talks about having a mother in terms of three main things you get from her — nurturance, protection, and guidance — and many people will have some and not others from their mother. i do think it addresses shame bc it’s made so clear how much of my problems were not my fault to start with.
Yes. And a father. Especially throughout my 20s (subconsciously before I knew anything about trauma).
Have you looked at r/MomforaMinute
When I'm hurting or feeling really depressed, I've started crying out "mommy! I need you. " but that never means the woman who terrorized me. It's just my way of allowing myself to be a hurting child asking for help.
Maybe having gone NC about 6 months ago helps me separate the two moms. My ideal mom and the horrible one.
There used to be a reddit group called something like momforaday or for a minute. Maybe someone else can help find this?
Look up Ideal Parent Figure.
Yeah and the same for my sisters, I want sisters again, it hurts but I don't want mine