Yesterday a man joked about raping me and instead of immediately feeling upset/disgust i had to logicize how fucked up that was before telling him off. Even when I was telling him off I wasn’t angry …. I didn’t feel anything. I was telling him off because it was the logical thing to do.
No matter how violent or abusive my parents/brother were I wasn’t allowed to be angry growing up. From a lifetime of anger suppression it’s so hard to evoke it on an intuitive basis.
And then when I do feel anger…. It’s usually because it’s from pent up resentment and repeated offenses. It feels HOT in my body. Its so foreign to me that it’s hard for me to feel it and use it effectively
I understand that repeated offenses are not okay and that’s why I’m doing the co dependency work to set boundaries and not allow that. My concern is for one time offenses.
How can I better understand anger? How can I reconnect with my anger? How can I feel anger when a boundary is pushed? How can I tolerate anger and use it safely?
I grew up unable to express anger and learned to suppress it as well. Over many years, I’ve gotten better at it but it is still is an ongoing process for me. A few things have helped me: - Finding role models that do express and use anger in a healthy way (could be a friend, partner, or therapist) - Listening to angry music because in general I connect with emotions well through music - Learning about the purpose and function of anger - Understanding how anger is unfairly viewed differently based on factors you can’t control (gender, sex, race, age, etc.) - Increasing my tolerance for anger gradually over time - Distancing myself from people who don’t allow me to express/ use anger in healthy ways (for example people who don’t respect my boundaries)
Honestly, I still struggle with anger. It’s the hardest emotion for me to sit with, but I’m getting better.