There are people who have said to us that depression doesn't exist or anxiety isn't real. One time my teacher said this in front of people indirectly to me and I foolishly trusted her with the information. She said something along the lines of how we need to vent and depression or anxiety is nothing. My hands were trembling due to medications and she said that it's because that I have not practiced enough. It feels like a jab at the heart and I never know what to say to these people. I am just full of resentment
What do I say to someone who says depression or anxiety isn't real.
QuestionNo, we should not create a culture of leaving people to their ignorance. She is a teacher occupying a public position and screwing hundreds. She should be reported, named and shamed.
Yeah that's a good point, her conduct is damaging and she should be corrected. Let's be careful not to blame OP for wanting to avoid conflict while also saying it would be best if someone reported her.
Solid advice
Makes me wonder why some become teachers if they don't even believe in science.
I just want to tell you that they're real. And your feeling of being invalidated and pain are very real.
I'm sorry she told you that.
Maybe there's an inner critic telling you they're not real too? Sometimes we learn to gaslight ourselves as well, because other people, and our family, wouldn't understand.
I am learning to accept and speak up for myself and recently I tried to validate my mental condition for the first time in years and it felt good. But I have a long way to go to not be swayed by other people's opinions. It's a long road.
It sounds like you're doing a great job already, I'm impressed. I know it's incredibly hard because I'm still not capable of validate mine.
At the same time I think it's only human to be swayed, sometimes we are even taught to blindly trust the opinions of adults/authority (teachers, doctors, etc).
True it's like I become a scaredy cat in front of others It's a difficult journey to even think about recovery in the near future
True it's like I become a scaredy cat in front of others It's a difficult journey to even think about recovery in the near future
“Go back to school”
"ignorance is bliss"
But other people’s ignorance is not a bliss for you lol more like a curse
Yesss true Can't exactly say that I can ignore them and not be affected by their words. Rather it's more like we start blaming ourselves and doubting our narratives.
Ask them if they"ve ever been in love. Then tell them if depression isn't real then their love also wasn't real
damn , that's so true
That goes hard damn
Well yeah, depending on context it may be too direct but just to give a perspective
'Go fuck yourself' would be my go-to for anyone whose not my employer or teacher. For them, I'd be writing their comments down and making a formal complaint.
Tell them “your face isn’t real!”
Yes, it’s stupid, but so is the thing they said.
Damn.
“Huh”
“That’s interesting”
“Okay”
Just understand that they aren’t someone to share that part of yourself with.
These are the kind of responses that have taken years to get to after a lifetime of justifying explaining and defending myself to the abusers in my life (I didn’t know better). I’m still guilty at times but man, how freeing it is to know these kind of people are not worth your time and energy.
Nothing, ignorance is not going to change with your experiences and words. I feel the time and effort put into trying to educate and change the opinions of others is never justified. Putting that energy into you and things that make living with your mental health is always going to triumph. Trust they will one day experience it or someone close to them for it to hit home, but at that point they won’t be a thought in your mind.
That's good advice right there.
my ex said this to me & i never forgot or forgave it . he came round bout 1.5 years after saying he was wrong because he had suffered both by that point . people tend to say this (wildly offensive) thing because it's not real to them . i can't say i would have done anything different in your shoes , since i often freeze nowadays , but a good response would be "that's not appropriate . you cannot speak for what i experience and i would appreciate you keeping comments like these to yourself ."
That's a harsh thing for people to say, I get that they are ignorant or never experienced it but you can at least be a decent human. That's a solid statement to help me cope as I cannot say anything to her since she is in a higher position than me. And we tend to avoid confrontations and freeze as you said.
i absolutely agree - it's just basic human decency ! i was devastated by that comment the first time i heard it , especially since that was someone i respected at the time . it greatly diminished my respect for him , to be honest . i'm sure if i were in your shoes i would've frozen & then had a thousand retorts come to mind way later .
To listen to such words from our so-called loved ones when we ourselves are in crisis is just devastating. My mother used to say devastating things the first few years which made the condition even worse. When COVID hit and she experienced those things, she demanded emotional support from us and I am not ashamed to admit that even though I helped her, I did resent her and had thoughts that why did you treat me in such a way and expect goodness from me. Even now I am full of resentment for the people who experience anything sad and see them get support. It feels so bitter and sad. I don't know if I am right to feel that way.
At this stage in my life, people like this are like children to me. They don’t know. They haven’t had to learn what life is really like. I don’t get mad at children so maybe that’s why it’s easier for me—now—to just disregard their opinion. That’s my way of coping, I try not to justify or defend myself to anyone unless I feel it’s my responsibility to do so in some way.
I wouldn’t bother to try to explain. Clearly this person you’re trying to explain this to is a nutball.
Yes, OP should not bother
Nothing. You validate yourself and move on.
Totally agree. Exactly what I said.
Some people just won't ever get it. They won't ever get it because they're fortunate enough to have been taught how to regulate their emotions effectively. They won't ever get it because they have people in their lives who have shown them unconditional love and support. They don't understand that the emotions they feel and then successfully regulate are not the same in intensity. They don't understand that struggling to emotionally regulate a difficult emotion exacerbates the way you feel, or that this heightened feeling exacerbates difficult circumstances in your life and, therefore, exacerbates the difficulty of successful regulation. They haven't experienced this cycle in the same way. They therefore think the anxiety or depression you feel equates to the stress or sadness that everyone sometimes feels. But they are not the same.
Other people won't get it because they've convinced themselves that they're okay. They repress their emotions in such a way that allows him to effectively function. They think that this is what healthy emotional regulation looks like. They're unaware that the things that aren't so great in their life, such as their interpersonal relationships, perhaps, will never bring them fulfilment because of this latent emotional dysfunction. Naming an emotion isn't helpful to these people. If they accept it can exist in others, they might have to accept it exists in themselves.
Both of these types of people are best avoided for your own sanity imo.
You spoke to my soul
Unfortunately victim blaming is the norm, not the exception. I have encountered this more time than I can count. My response has become to detach emotionally from these people, stop sharing any struggles or personal information. If they are in a position of power and influence lile the person you describe here, repoting them anonymously may help prevent them behaving this way in the future. I don't believe it is your responsibility to educate them, even if you tried they wouldn't change. Take care of yourself and know that their ignorance is about them, not about you. Trust your gut, lean into your self respect and self worth. Don't let other people sway your perception of your own truth. ♥️
That's really good advice. Thank you
As a teacher, she occupies a public position, responsible for education of an important public asset (children). Depression/Anxiety is fully acknowledged in pretty much every government worldwide, and is given weight often in a school setting. The fact that she is dying such things exist, is likely to be completely against policy. You do not have to say anything to her, she will not admit it. Report it to the administration, dean, and superintendant altogether, in an email or whatever reporting system is appropriate. Leave no one out of it. The more people who are witness, the less people who can reject responsibility. If the entire school system is not on your side, consider contacting the media, including the trauma incurred by her statements by you and other people.
Say nothing at all~ their opinion only carries power if you allow it to
Nothing. Don't give small minded idiots any attention yet if it was me ''go fuck yourself ' would be the first thing out my mouth - but just say nothing it's not worth the stress and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
Stare blankly at them for an uncomfortably long moment, then move on with a, "So anyway..." in the most dismissive tone possible.
Sometimes under-reacting stays with them longer.
Tell them they're not real.
Not only are depression and anxiety very real, but for me they turned out to be reasonable reactions to my lack of agency in my own life. Once I started looking at anxiety and depression as symptoms (not the cause) of my suffering, I was able to make some big changes that helped me on my path to healing.
As for practical advice: there are lots of good responses here. My only addition is that it’s okay to let people be wrong about you. You know your own truth of your life better than anyone. Your teacher can be wrong about you, because YOU know your truth. Of course it’s trickier if you’re convincing someone you depend on (like doctors who are not trauma-informed), and in those cases you must seek a professional who takes you seriously.
This will help me a lot. Thank you
say fuck off
Cast not pearls before swine. If you want to maintain a relationship with this person, go ahead and ask them what they mean, and see if you disagree. If the interaction feels uncompassionate, this may be a dealbreaker for that level of closeness, and you may need to reframe how you view the relationship.
By the way, people usually can't accept in others what they won't accept in themselves. This could be at play.
Let it be. There is a constant supply of awful and ignorant people in the world, but trying to argue with them is like playing never ending whack-a-mole.
Ask them when they acquired their medical degree.
“Well, that’s unfortunate.” ::walks away::
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Go learn to read MRI studies
I am a firm believer that people who have the biggest denial are in the biggest problem / trauma. Show some compassion, laugh and hug yourself for listening to sh** things that devalue your experience. Trust me, devaluing is also what they do to themselves.
In my field as an academia, people would usually get "straighten up" if you give them enough research.
Sadly, such is not the case in all walks of life.
If someone told me that my depression and anxiety, two things I actually got officially diagnosed on, aren't real - and of course if I feel like it - I'll sit them through tons of research and works people have done on this.
If they still chose ignorance, then that's on them.
But at least I can know with conviction that these people are actually unhealthy.
Because what healthy people go telling others "Your struggle/feelings aren't real" instead of being compassionate and productive about it?
Sometimes you just have to leave someone to exist in their ignorance. Depression and Anxiety are real. We have mountains of evidence to back that. Case studies, population studies, clinical trials of many different therapies, specific and limited symptoms directly linked to neural architecture that we have imaged in real time. We have conceptualizations and observations from cognitive, behavioral, social, and psychoanalytic disciplines. Thousands of people have dedicated their lives to understanding and treating them and they have done so with admirable success.