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I want to be a parent someday, how do I stop the cycle of abuse beforehand?
QuestionI’m a new mom of a toddler. Parenthood is absolutely exhausting and draining and it will test you. Especially if you’re the mom; the hormones are a train wreck.
Reading “The body keeps the score” has helped me tremendously. Also having a very patient, supportive, understanding partner who’s always around and can take over when I’m too overwhelmed. I like to think about myself in the way I want to be (kindly singing to my kid, helping him breathe to calm down when he’s upset, nurturing, gentle, stable, present, open and listening), rather than just focusing on what I don’t want to do. Remembering that I’m human, I’m just a mom, I can ask for help.
Having kids pushed me to do a lot of healing work I’d put off for a LONG time, but overall it has been an immensely rewarding experience. I get to love these children unconditionally and I get to repair things with them when I mess up. They’re 4 and 7 now and I mess up a lot less but it’s taken a lot of work. I have had so many moments with them that are like lightbulb, life changing moments when I’ve talked to them and felt for a moment like I’m talking to the kid version of me, saying the things I needed to hear like “this isn’t your fault…you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that…I’m not mad at you…I’m here for you…it’s ok to be sad/angry/hurt etc…” Having kids is definitely not for everyone but if you’re already thinking about how to break cycles you’re already one step ahead of a lot of parents out there.
I also don’t want to make it sounds like I’ve figured it all out. I 100% have not. As my kids grow and change they’re going to challenge/trigger me in different ways. I still have times I struggle a lot and I am lucky to have an amazing partner who I can lean on in those times. The newborn/toddler years with my first were really hard because I didn’t realize what was being triggered in me and I hadn’t really accepted that I had CPTSD and that it was causing a lot of my mental health issues. I see my kids now as such a gift in so many ways - they have revealed to me so much about myself and led me to really make changes in my life solely because my guiding life principle is never hurting them the way I was hurt. Check out Stephanie Foo - she wrote the book “what my bones know” and just had her first baby and has spoken a lot about her experience on Instagram and I believe is currently writing a book about parenting with CPTSD.
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Working a formal recovery program like Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families or Adult Survivors of Child Abuse can be extremely helpful. While it is true that CPTSD may never be 100% gone, the degree to which my symptoms have abated is insane. I don't get depressive spirals anymore. I don't get shame spirals anymore. I have connected with a feeling of unconditional love with a higher power (though there are also totally secular materials and meetings too). I have learned how to build my own life, make my own friends, and to not judge others. I've one from being someone who was kinda famously angry/intense to being regarded as one of the most laid back people in the office at my new job. I still have some days that hard memories come up or that I just feel down about things, but those moments become more and more infrequent, and they become less and less disruptive.
Recovery involves a lot of steps. I made this site to try to promogulate low/no cost things that helped me on my journey from broken workaholic to fun carefree guy, and maybe they will help you as well.
https://healyourfeels.org/self-care/
https://healyourfeels.org/books/
Don't forget that even the best parents in the world are human - you don't need to be perfect.
I don’t have kids or ever plan on having any, I don’t think there is a “cure” for cptsd it’s something you are stuck with, maybe a relative, partner, friend or authoritative figure were the reason(s) for your trauma, but they made that decision to hurt you. And the effects tend to be permanent. Before you have kids it’s best to reevaluate your situation, financially and emotionally. When you have a kid it’s not just starting a family, you are raising a human being with opinions and emotions, which hopefully you are aware of. Are you capable of giving your best to the child and is your best enough? Don’t think of having a child as something you should do JUST because, it’s a responsibility and a role that you inhabit for the rest of your life. Don’t have a kid just because you want an adorable little mini you, have a kid with actual purpose behind it. You cannot love someone else before you love yourself. And I don’t know you personally so that is up to you to figure out on your own. Plus a kid is not required to complete your life and make you happy, but again that’s up to you, tread carefully