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Does it take you a long time to react when people are being disrespectful towards you in real life?
CPTSD Vent / RantThanks for taking the time to respond and for your kind words.
That does help and you are right: it’s about me expecting others would behave as I would.
Which is very strange given my family members have proven me constantly that is not the case, yet I still haven’t learnt the lesson that people are generally.. people.
I think I have some autistic traits which can help explain why I’m completely oblivious to ingenuine behaviour.. I am trying to switch to expect the worse from strangers, but that’s a very sad way of living.
Good luck to us learning how to speak up and confront others. I suppose it’s key to practice in a safe space first and then practice some more.
You're right. Expecting the worst is a sad way of living. And your experience was exceptional, not common. I hope. Mostly the people you meet while you're out are nice. Maybe a bit harried
I make a concious choice to expect the best of people. Makes life more pleasant to not have to constantly be wary. But of course it leads to disappointment when folks don't, or can't. Sometimes others are just having a bad day but I've rarely found giving people a second chance worthwhile.
In this instance I'd do some research to figure out what to expect the cost to be. I've learned the hard way to ask first. If he's way overcharging you can object. I sometimes go to the trouble to leave a bad review and have felt like maybe the shop would adjust their behavior in future.
I once had a Forensic Psychologist (fancy!) steal $3k from me. I took him to small claims court. That was interesting. He lied under oath and got away with it. So I mentioned that in my review. I doubt he was affected at all. But I felt I'd stood up for myself.
Keep up the good work. Be proud of how far you've come.
I agree with this: "I've rarely found giving people a second chance worthwhile." I got myself into trouble whenever I didn't listen to my initial instinct and I tried to convince myself otherwise.
Sorry to hear about your experiences, it must have been very stressful and disappointing. I am trying to look at the bright side of things and I suppose these harsh lessons are there to teach us something..
And well done for standing up for yourself! And thank you for your advice, I will make a list of things I could do better next time (asking proactively about the price) and what I can do now in case things go south.
Yeah, I have a delayed reaction, and with it a delayed understanding of what happened. So I can either pick up vague emotions, like that I get uncomfortable but not know why, and later the full reaction and understanding rushes in. Or vice versa, I can understand a little bit and have no emotions about it, and later the full emotional wave hits me.
As I work on being present and allowing my feelings to be a part of me, the delay time has gotten shorter and shorter. Last time was 15 minutes (when I was really triggered). It's because of dissociation, I think. I dissociate less, or less fully, as I heal.
I feel this. I had quite some boundaries be crossed because i didn't realize why i felt uncomfortable when it happened. That was a rather bad situationship and only afterwards (after the whole thing) did i realize that i had boundaries that i communicated but that they weren't respected and i got rather angry about it. I still quite often feel not present and idk how i feel most of the time, which is something that scares me regarding future interactions. Is there something that has really helped you achieve this?
Its hard to say what has helped the most, but I've been doing a lot of things. The start was starting my self compassion, and really work on liking myself. Challenging negative views, and finding support in others. I generally avoid people so opening up to people has been hard and transformational. Other than that it has helped a lot to really dig into validating my trauma until I felt less doubt about it. I kept gaslighting myself about it. I needed both of those things to be brave enough to start working on being present and allowing my feelings to come up, and allowing myself to have them.
When you said “dig into validating my trauma” you mean telling to yourself that your past experiences have indeed happened and they did have a significant impact on you?
Sort of. It was allowing that information in and treating it not as a selfish, indulgent, intriguing possibility or idea, but as a fact. And building some resistance to how others (read: family) would likely disagree to it. I felt like the most selfish, egotistical and deluded person when I tried to even just see it that way myself, let alone tell anyone about it. I didn't give myself the right to have suffered.
So it was allowing myself to say that it was that bad, it was trauma, it made me sad and lost - and that's natural, understandable and okay. Basically humanizing myself at the same time. It would have broken anyone, so I am not more broken than someone else. I am not trash - I was born fine, and can be fine again (sort of). I deserve help, and I can allow myself to claim my right to define my own experience. Allowing myself to be, in so many ways, is the biggest thing I'm working on now.
I have gaslit myself for years because of all the invalidation around my experience from my family. They often told me that my experience was invalid, or flat out told me what I thought and felt (and I believed them), so building that foundation was super important and started an avalanche for me.
Also, reading Pete Walker's CPTSD book helped me really see that I'm not making this up. Because otherwise, why would someone be able to describe me perfectly like he does in that book? Also loved "Adult children of immature parents" for this. I listened to them on Audible and it felt like I finally had a human talk to me about ME. Like I existed, and was a real person. I listen to certain chapters when I feel that self-doubt creeping back in.
That makes sense, also very reassuring to know that it can be done. It sounds like you did a lot of progress in terms of giving yourself the reassurance that you needed and didn't receive.
I also listened Pete Walker's book, it's excellent to make me feel seen and I am yet to read "Adult children of immature parents" (audiobook). As you said, it's a grea idea to prepare some resources to help out in times of need. I've been using Pete's affirmations when the inner critic appears: https://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
Thank you! I agree, and Pete Walker's affirmations and 13 steps for flashbacks are both so good to have in times of need ❤️
As someone who struggles to put experiences into words, you’ve explained quite well what happens to me.
Also, there’s this half a second where I know something is off and if I could block the entire world at that point I would be able to at least leave the situation or maybe even say something about it. But because there is another stimulus (someone talks, something moves) I get distracted so I have to pay attention to the next thing.
Well done for the only 15min delay! I don’t think I ever understood what dissociation is for me, I might research it again and hope I can do something about it
I'm glad it resonated! Dissociation has been a hard concept for me to figure out, because I also have adhd and get distracted a lot. I've also been dissociating most of my life, so for a long time in the beginning I had no idea of what -not- being at least a little bit dissociated meant. With nothing to compare it to, it was hard to know if I was getting any better, so to speak.
For me it's zoning out or going into auto pilot with mirroring the other person that is usually the mildest form/start of it. Then when I realize later that it was actually a bad interaction, I know I dissociated partly or fully - otherwise I would have caught it right away. I often have a fuzzy recall of the event too, if I dissociated.
Best of luck in shortening your delay!
Oh, the fuzzy memory!! I know exactly what you mean, I couldn’t figure out why it happens so I just told myself my memory is just bad (as it has always been)
And yes, looking back mirroring (fawning) takes a lot of energy and attention. It seems to happen with particular people (men, position of power, distant personalities)
Unfortunately it takes me a long time to recover after interactions where I felt I betrayed myself and ignored my voice again.. such as yesterday’s event. When that happens, I isolate myself (even more) and I think I can’t keep myself safe out there so I have to hide. So thank you for your words, it helps a lot to have my experience validated and seems the “recovery” period will be shorter this time
Absolutely! I use the fuzzy memory as a tip off to myself to figure out if I dissociated or not. I also hide like you do when things don't go well, I have to lick my wounds until I can try again.
Hope you continue to experience progress. It takes time but it does work ❤️
Very useful tip! Your encouraging words really make a difference, thank you 🥹
You or others might have seen this already, but I came across a very helpful thread about dissociation so thought I’d leave it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDNextSteps/s/rrnXJKkP0Q
I either avoid or over react.
Still trying to figure this part out lol
Look into emotional regulation, I'm learning about it and it did help with intense feelings of rage
Great thing is you can do both!
I would call “overreacting” simply “reacting” in my case, I have gone through a lot and even though I had some reactions that seemed a bit much to others, for me they were actually the right amount given the amount emotions, pressure and tensions I was experiencing.
Probably the challenge is to get to that point where one is able to choose when to react.
Sometimes years
Thank you for posting this. I've run into this in my life too, realizing hours (or days and sometimes even decades!) that someone was rude to me.
At least now, if nothing else, if that happens I quit associating with that person/business, whatever. As I've done with a rude eye doctor and some 12 step groups.
I know what you mean, I also have memories from years ago that come back to me and I realise now that a boundary was crossed. Makes me laugh that the delay is really on point sometimes.
Great to have a plan in place, I also tend to part ways with people that I do not align with. And disappointing to hear about the 12 step groups, you'd think you'd find supportive people there.
The vast majority of the time, I do. And 12 step groups have helped me greatly in my recovery. But once in a while, I have run into one that isn't healthy.
I see I tend to generalise, probably because of the many negative experiences lately. It would help to remind myself not all people are bad.
I understand. It's great you found them helpful. I wish I could try one but there aren't any around my area.
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It depends for me, sometimes im delayed or have to ask someone like hey were they being mean etc
Other times i can immediately react explosively, depending on what was done it can cause a meltdown in me. I don’t even mean to, when the meltdown happens it’ll feel like im not in control or out of my body.
I never actually thought of asking people about their intention, what responses do you normally get to that question?
I am familiar with that feeling, I find that when I react aggressively someone touched very sensible ground for me, usually it's about feeling rejected one way or another.
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i’m afraid i don’t have much helpful advice, but i can at least tell you you are not alone and i experience this as well! i am autistic and most of the time i expect others to act and do things as i would act and do things, so it can come as a surprise to me later when i’m looking back on an interaction and i’m like “wow that person was making fun of me the whole time…”
i have been trying to work on recognizing this in the moment and being more aware of what’s actually happening, but i still struggle. bc my instinct is not to immediately think someone is being ingenuine. i also haven’t yet figured out how to respond/confront/speak up for myself when i notice i’m being mistreated…